Feb 06
No Minute Warning
Apparently, If we were to force the American government to disclose what they know about the torture of inmates at Guantanamo Bay, there would be: Serious and lasting damage to the US-UK intelligence sharing relationship and thus the national security of the UK. Translation: If you make us own up to a crime we actually committed, we're not going to inform you of any impending terrorist attacks in your country. Of course, somebody hasn't told them that by doing that, they'd actually be committing an infinitely more serious crime than they're trying to cover up.
Arch-Muppet, David Miliband, says that it isn't the case, but two High Court judges and... well, just about everybody else in the whole bloody world seems to disagree. The words aren't ambiguous, there is no misunderstanding them, it was a clear and unashamed threat. Obama has been in power for all of five minutes, and he's already allowing his intelligence agencies to threaten the only actual allies that his country has. Congratulations, Obama, you've already pissed me off. Although, to be fair, I still like your suit (it's blue).
Nov 19
Clear and President Danger
So, the voting is over and you lot now have Obama. Obama, is of course, the first black President in American history, which in itself is a victory for equality, but totally irrelevant to whether he can actually do the job or not. Anybody who either voted for or against Obama because of his skin colour (either because they're racist -- not voting for him because he's black, or simply doing so because he is black -- or because they wanted to help make history by voting in a black President), don't deserve their vote. Skin colour is not a valid enough reason to vote for or against someone, but I supspect that a lot of people never actually got beyond that.
I'd honestly like to think that Obama got in because 1) his policies are actually good, and 2) McCain was an abominably bad choice for a Presidential candidate in the first place (they were going to go for the better option of Dr. Crippen, but then they found out that he'd been dead for 99 years - McCain has only been dead for 3 years, but retains the ability to shout and construct basic sentences, a bit like Ernest Valdemar). Bush couldn't run for a third term, so they got the next best thing, Bush Lite (slightly more intelligent, but still leaves the same bitter taste in your mouth).
George Bush Snr. ----> George Bush Jnr. (or Bush Snr. Lite) ----> John McCain (or Bush Snr. Lite Lite, or just Bush Jnr. Lite). If you can't get what you want, you go for the next best thing. Kind of like how we had Tony Blair (Smug Bastard), and now we have Gordon Brown (Smug Bastard Lite). Hell, at least you voted for Bush... well, the second time at least. And along with John McCain ("who knows how to win a war," despite totaling several of his own jets with absolutely no help from the enemy, and never actually winning the war in question) , we have his running mate, Sarah Palin - the self-confessed pitbull with lipstick. Her hobbies include doing what God tells her to, and helicopter hunting (when you can't chase and kill innocent animals normally, you get yourself a helicopter. That way, not only can you kill something, you can also piss on the environment and waste a lot of money doing it).
Now, on the subject of Sarah Palin - believe it or not (I didn't), you can actually get Presidential Porn. Yeah, doesn't that sound bloody weird? That's right, you too can be "Nailin' Paylin" (note how they've cunningly altered the spelling of her name). I haven't actually seen it (and I have no bloody intention of doing so). Somebody sent me a promo shot (the kind where they actually have their clothes on), and the woman who 'portrays' Palin actually looks quite like her (frighteningly so, some would say). They then have another woman who looks nothing like Hillary Clinton, and some bloke who looks nothing like Obama. I'm guessing the basic plot-line is that they all roll around naked on a badly constructed set that's supposed to pass for the Whitehouse, while saying corny rubbish such as: "You have clothes on... here, let me amend that..." (and before you say anything, that's just a total guess). You wouldn't find the British porn industry doing anything like that - for a start, the most notable female politicians of our time have been Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie (and that thought is far, far too painful to even contemplate).
Media circus, parody, and fun aside, Obama is going to have to deliver his inauguration speech from behind three-inches of bulletproof glass, as there is a very real possibility of him being assassinated if he doesn't. If that were to happen, he'd be the fifth President to be assassinated while in office (along with Lincoln, Garfield, McInely, and Kennedy). And if he were to survive such an attempt, he'd be the seventh President to do so (along with Jackson, T. Roosevelt, F. Rossevelt, Truman, Ford, and Reagan). Even before Obama was elected President, there were already plans in place to assassinate him, and now that he is President, there will no doubt be even more plans in the works. Obama is the only real chance for change that America has had for years, let's hope some mindless fool doesn't throw that chance away.
Sep 10
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (NES)
In 1886, little did Robert Louis Stevenson realise that it'd be 103 years before mankind had the technology to piss all over one of his finest works. Then, one day in 1989, it had, and it did.
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For a start, this game has virtually nothing to do with the book (other than the namesake characters). The game starts with Dr. Jekyll leaving his lab and wandering out into what is supposed to be a Victorian London. Okay, so the Advance Communication Company didn't actually have a clue of what Victorian London looked like... but c'mon, they've read the book, right? Actually, no. This game has more in common with the Incredible Hulk than the actual book it's based on.
All bombers dress in purple, fact.
As Dr. Jekyll, you will, for no reason whatsoever, be accosted by... well, bloody everything. Men, women, children, spiders, various animals (all to stop him from reaching a wedding). Most of which don't actually do any damage to your life (with the major exception of bombs), they just decrease your transformation bar and bring you closer to Hyde mode. But worry not, Dr. Jekyll has his trusty walking cane, with which he can poke and prod at his attackers with. Actually, scratch that, his cane doesn't actually do a single thing to anything, all he can hope to do, is jump over the endless supply of enemies (or hide inside of the occasional building).
The transformation bar is located below the life bar. When the bar completely depletes, you'll enter Hyde mode (read: when Bruce Banner gets angry, he'll turn into the Hulk). In Hyde mode, the game switches to auto-scroll, where wave after wave of goblins are thrown at him (which are nearly impossible to hit). Yes, I said goblins. If you go too far as Hyde, you'll get struck down by lightning (because you didn't fill the transformation bar fast enough to revert back to Jekyll) - this adds another element of total bollocks to the game (just to keep you guessing). So, long story short get as far as possible as Jekyll, and stay as Hyde for as little as possible. All the while, avoiding pulling your hair out.
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Hyde fights goblins in an alternate dimension... that must explain the hideous palette.
Sound-wise, the music is a lot better than you'd think, it just doesn't actually fit-in with what's happening on screen (not in the slightest). Actually, the music is probably the best part of the game, and that's quite sad.
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I recommend this game to nobody. Honestly one of the worst pieces of vomit that I've ever played.
Sep 09
Shadowgate (NES)
Turn left, die. Turn right, die. Whoops, wrong door, you die. The only game with a higher death-count than Robocop, and they're all yours.
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Shadowgate was probably the first point-and-click game to grace the Nintendo Entertainment System, and proudly boasted the first battery-backed save feature (which actually made the cartridge much heavier than you'd expect for shoving a battery inside). Shadowgate is here for two things and two things only, it's unabashed hatred of the player, and it's willingness to kill you off at a whim (there are 28 ways to die, 4 of which involve suicide). I would use this time to go into the story, but other than, 'you're the chosen one, fight this sodding wizard or else,' there really isn't one.
Two kinds of holes, a regular hole, and a black hole.
You navigate using the left of the screen, and select your items/actions on the right (the usual, open, close, use commands). Along with the usual point-and-click fair, there is also a hit command, that can be used to punch yourself in the face (I've never actually found another use for it quite good fun, all things considered). On top of that, you can also, 'use' yourself, which will result in the narrator commenting on your odd behaviour, and how it isn't befitting of a warrior (dirty boy).
Once you make it past the entrance hall, the deaths come thick and fast (and nearly always unexpected). The first occurring in the first room past the entrance hall if you should be foolish enough to pick-up the book on the altar, the floor will collapse and you'll fall to your death. A couple of rooms down from that, using the floor hatch will see the ladder crumble, and you'll once again fall to your death (actually, you just shatter both of your legs on that one).
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You'll die so many times, you'll be on first name terms with Death. His name is Bob.
The deaths range from the logical (being eaten by a shark while swimming in a shark-infested pool) to the downright ridiculous (such as breaking an ordinary mirror to find a quasi-black hole rather carelessly left behind it) and while the deaths can be rather amusing, the lack of logic behind them renders the game purely trial and error (as you'll never know when opening a door, picking-up an item, or walking past a certain area will spell death) meaning that you'll see the same few corridors again and again until you manage to perform the right action (that is, until you run out of torches to light your way, fall over the nearest pebble, and die). All while this trial by point-and-click is going on, you're being droned at by background music so truly monotonous that it makes elevator music seem like a welcome release. An innovative, yet truly god-awful affair where Death himself is truly the star.
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I recommend this game to people who like to do jigsaw puzzles (of fields of corn), and are downright sadists. Also, if you know somebody with a love of old games, and you hate them, buy them this for their birthday. Actually, just punch them in the face, shove a gift voucher in their pocket, and save them the torment of this repetitive bore of a game.
Sep 08
Little Nemo - Dream Master (NES)
Sometimes, you just have to ask what the hell the programmers were smoking when they programmed a game. This would be one of those times.
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Little Nemo Dream Master is a chirpy little game that was programmed by brain-dead monkeys who were feeling slightly under-the-weather after binging themselves on Windex. The story starts in 1905, with a clown appearing at Nemo's window and offering him candy to, 'come see the Princess who wants to play with him' - I suppose that may have been the 1905 equivalent of, 'would you like to see some puppies, little boy?' I mean, I don't know, but it could be. Nemo declares that anybody bearing the gift of candy must be an alright sort of person (and certainly not a paedophile), and thus begins his adventure.
He wants you to ride in his blimp to see the Princess... yeah, right.
Like I said, the game is really quite chirpy - pleasant music, pleasant graphics, but it plays how a tramp smells. Nemo can't jump to save his little life, and his only form of offence is to throw candy. He'll throw candy at killer snails, at bees in hard hats, hell, you name it and he'll throw candy at it. Each piece of confectionery that hits an enemy, will stun them for several seconds (in theory, allowing you to jump over them, but that rarely ever works out). If Nemo came from where I come from, he'd be throwing half-bricks at the little buggers, and happy-slapping them.
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As the freaky little man informs you when you enter the first world, some enemies will allow you to ride them around if you give them candy. Actually, that's a lie. You give them candy, they fall asleep, and then you rip their guts out and climb inside of their lifeless body. Actually, that's probably a lie, too but last time I checked, you ride around on top of animals, not inside of them, your beady little eyes peering out from inside of their mouths (with the exception of a lizard). Each creature you coerce/murder, grants you a special ability (such as jumping and swimming, digging, etc.) that you can use to progress further into a level. Of course, that seldom works, as each creature has a horrible handicap that usually gets you killed (such as Mr. Mole not being able to do anything other than dig, lack a colour palette, and get hit in the face).
It doesn't get any more exciting than this... no, really.
Enemies re-spawn continuously, generally landing on your skull from some unseen platform, and if you don't have the right power at the right time, you get stuck forever (again, because Nemo can't jump for peanuts). My favourite part of the game, is when you die, and then it restarts you right next to one of said areas, with one of the many enemies that you can't jump over in close proximity. You either get stuck, or you have some serious back-tracking to do.
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Flaws aside, I'd recommend this game to anybody who enjoys drinking floor polish, self-harming, or are on a copious amount of pills for a mental imbalance.
1:52 PM Nov 23
