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| Annabella the pround, the young & the immature; Heh, heh, heh........ | |
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| Topic Started: Friday, 10. July 2009, 03:42 (80 Views) | |
| Annabella Tempest | Friday, 10. July 2009, 03:42 Post #1 |
Childe
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Hey, I found some VTM jokes online ... laughed my ass off and then I thought why not share ... Enjoy! You might be Sabbat if . . . You wake up in the evening not saying "Oh my god, what have I done and whose eyeballs are these on my fingertips," but "Damn. I wanted green ones this time." Whenever you enter a small, darkened room, you have the strangest urge to claw through the ceiling. You think that "Pin the tail on the Donkey" is much more fun with a _real_ donkey. You find yourself cheering for the zombies in "Evil Dead 2." Destroy all humans is your all time favorite video game, but wish you could do it for real.... Campfires give you the strangest urge to start leaping. You get excited when, while viewing your own aura, you actually see a spot of color. You _know_ what the road to Hell is paved with. Shovels give you the chills. The phrase "collateral damage" shows up in your speech more than once an hour. You begin to refer to people by the number of generations they are above you, and the amount of time before you're there. You would start to like mimes. If only they would carry sharp objects. You are no longer surprised when your colleagues say things like "and then I sucked out his soul, ripped off his arm, and played a game of croquet." You were the other player in the croquet game. The phrase "Bishop takes Pawn" brings a stab of fear into your heart. You spend balmy summer evenings engaged in acid-gun fights You own a Caine is #1 foam finger You own more then one piece of furniture that is made of human bones and flesh Your walls literally have ears You see it as your unlife's work to teach people that "Stop, Drop, and Roll" is for wimps Jigsaw inspired you You wish your childe was more like Chucky You can easily picture those PETA freaks as fur coats... and just as easily bring that picture to life Hannibal Lecter is your hero You find yourself taking notes while watching Silence of the Lambs The title of your favourite relaxation tapes are: "Crowded Tenement House Burning to the Ground in New York City" and "Midnight Buffet in Times Square, With Added Shrieking" You think true works of art must include a good amount of blood and severed limbs, preferably fresh You have seen and own every Saw movie ever made and know all of Jigsaw's lines by heart and so does your Sire Your favourite breakfast is a whole mess of Justicar Crispies You see Charles Manson as the father of Dinner Theatre ****************************************************** Bumper stickers: Ravnos This car isn't here Welcome to my reality. Is it real or is it Ravnos. Assamite Don't like someone else's driving, hire me. NO MORE TYREs Tremere Don't like my driving, learn movement of the mind. Honk and your Engulfed. If you can read this, think firestorm. Anarchs We don't need no stinking bumper stickers. Express yourself. um... Yeah I'm a loyal member of the Camarilla, .... sure. Black furies I have PMS and a Klaive, any questions. Silent Strider Free Egypt. This bumper sticker brought to you by SAND, its everywhere. Neither Set nor Nexus crawler nor Darkest Malfaes ......... Shadowlords Power corrupts, absolute power is kinda nifty. Metis Honk if your horny..... or scaley, or bald, or .... ************************************************ Kindred conspiracy - Who did it? Brujah : The Ventrue did it Gangrel : Looked like the Ravnos did it Malkavian : We did it! heh heh heh Nosferatu : We KNOW who did it Toreador : I have composed an epic revealing the ones who hath done it. Tremere : We didn't do it. Honest! Ventrue : Wasn't me, I would have ordered someone else to do it. Assamite : Pay me - I'll do it. Giovanni : The Capadocians won't do it again. Ravnos : Are you sure it was REALLY done. Salubri : Look into your own humanity and you will know the truth. Samedi : I'd give my left arm to do it. Setite : I got every one elssse to do it. Daughters of Cacaphony : Do it in Harmonics. Garou : It doesn't matter who did it, its a KINDRED matter. Tzimisce: *made the person asking in to a living coffee table for trespassing* ******************************************************************* Antidiluvian school reports Assamite - does not play well with others. Baali - rarely seen, but has a bad attitude towards teachers and students alike. Brujah - plays very well with others... others' toys, others' money, others' friends, others'..... still have to figure out how he got that gun. Caitiff - sadly lacking self-esteem and easily bullied by the others. Daughter of cacophany - song time a+ exemplary student. prone to wild screaming tantrums. Gangrel - always playing outdoors. in fact, it's darn hard to get her back inside after playtime. Giovanni - keeps asking "when do we get to dissect frogs?". i've tried to explain that she has to finish 8 more years before that and she just sulked. Lasombra - strangest kid i've ever seen.... he's already got a five o'clock shadow.....was not here on school photo day despite protestations otherwise. Malkav - nice quiet child and yet all the other children don't seem to like him. they think he's plotting against them all. i'd be prone not to believe it but i've seen some of the notes he's been passing... in sumerian. Nosferatu - strange child that has unfortunate disability, yet always ready to help the teacher with information on who's been doing what. Ravnos - i'm not sure of this one..... keeps being in two places at once and never seems to run out of lunch money, especially when the others have had theirs go missing. Toreador - top of the class in finger painting.(best you can say about her really) Tzimisce - has since developed an attitude problem and started picking on the others and hanging out with young lasombra. Tremere - caring thoughtful child... always the first one there to help when one of the others is injured in any way. Salubri - one of the first children tremere helped.... has been absent from class ever since. Setite - the lisp is a bit disconcerting, as well as the eyes, and seems more interested in distracting the others with his "goodiesssssss" then doing any actual work. Samedi - truly revolting child. if he doesn't stop blowing milk bubbles out of his nose..... Ventrue - model student. always a pleasure to have in the class room and well-spoken. however...(teacher suddenly forgets what it was she was about to write) **************************************************************** UNIVERSAL ELDER AVOIDANCE FORM (Not going Anarch, but it's the next best thing!) Dear: [] Prince [] Elder []Ancillae [] Keeper of Elysium [] Justicar [] Knight Templar [] Harpy [] Whip [] Sire I am avoiding you because you are: []Brujah and very angry []Gangrel and very barbaric []Nosferatu and very ugly []Malkavian and very crazy []Toreador and very spacey []Tremere and very creepy []Ventrue and very picky []Caitiff and a BASTARD! []A Sabbat spy []A 00 series spy []Creepy []Scary []Dressed in a Barney suit []A Mime []Overbearing []Overarmed []Nosy []Looking under my Aura []500 years smarter []500 years dumber []500 years of Halitosis []Ugly []Hideous []Monstrous []Tammy Faye Baker []Little, yellow, different []Ignoring the Traditions []Ignoring the (Prince's) Traditions []Ignoring your Traditions [] an ass []Using Conditioning []Using Majesty []Hitting me []Trying to Blood Bond me []Trying to Dilaberize me []Trying to Cross-Dress me []Evil []Very Evil []Nothing BUT Evil! []Stupid []Full of Shit []FUCKING NUTS!!! Thus, I would appreciate it if you would: []Let me be []Leave me alone []Mind your own business []Drink a cup of sulfuric acid []Treat me with respect []Not kill me []Kill yourself []Stop inviting me for a drink []Demanding "Prestation or your life" []Let me lick your boots []Let me slurp your vitae []Sic your Clan on someone else []Lay off the Disciplines []Get off my Ghoul []Go after the Anarchs []Leave your Ego at home []Lego my Ego []Bite me []Love me []Love your brother []Love your sister []Tolerate your lesser []Stop telling me about the "good old days" []Stop Dominating me []Stop proving how superior you are []"Eating my leftovers" []Stand still while I hit you []Stop dogging me []Stop watching me []Stop telling me "How peckish" you are []Ignore the Traditions []Ignore the Prince []Ignore this form YOU MAY NOW EAT THIS FORM. *********************************************************** The inkblot test: A guide to the clans. And what do _you_ see in this picture? Ventrue: It's just an inkblot. I'm paying you 12 bucks an hour for THIS? Toreador:................................................................. uh, Toreador?......................... (very quietly) It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen Tremere: My god....it's the lost sigil of Bazophemet! How did you....GIVE ME THE PAPER.... (sounds of burning) Nosferatu: What, you forgot to flush? Gangrel: Grrrrrrrr...(sniff sniff) ...grrrrrrr Brujah: It's just some fucking ink, O.K? What? WHAT? Hey, fuck you too!! (sounds of breaking bones) Salubri: I see a diorama of the children of Caine living in peace and harmony...but with my other two eyes, it just looks like...a butterfly? Setite: I ssssee the eventual conquesssst of our massster Ssset, and hiss lordssship and dominion over all...and tell me doctor...have you ever taken any of the drugsss you pressscribe.... Tzimese: Hmmmm.... That looks like who I was working on last night.... Lasombra:................................... Lasombra, _please_ turn the lights on. Lasombra: ................................... Lasombra, for the last time, would you pleaseAAAAARRRRRRGGGG!!!!!!! Assamite: Looks like blood.....mmmm....blood....... Baali: By Baal....it's the lost sigil of Bazophemet! How did you....GIVE ME THE PAPER.... Malkvians: I see... I see...(giggles) That's disgusting!! (giggles again) With a vacume cleaner and...(suddenly serious) Oh no....OH MY GOD!!!! (runs out of the room screaming) THE WHIPPETS ARE COMMING!!! THE WHIPPETS ARE COMMING!!!!!! *********************************************************** You know there has to be at least one dirty joke. I love this one! The Antidiluvians talk about Sex (Muffled talking and harsh whispers.) VENTRUE Thank you all for coming. As usual, we have a situation on hand that we need to talk about. TOREADOR The defacing of the Art Institute by anonymous Rabble? (Dirty look to BRUJAH.) TZIMISCE Caitiff running wild? (Dirty look to BRUJAH.) TREMERE The defacing of the Public Libraries? (Dirty look to BRUJAH.) (BRUJAH flashes a charming grin to all of them and puts his feet on the table.) VENTRUE No. Tonight we are here to discuss... and I do this with heavy reluctance... sex. (Stunned silence.) MALKAV (Stands starting the "Tush Push" and winks at GANGREL.) Let's talk about SEX bay-bee, let's talk about YOU an' ME... GANGREL (Growls.) Let's not. RAVNOS I swear on the blood of my familia, she told me she was 18. VENTRUE Malkav. Please be seated. I... (Blinks and looks at RAVNOS.) Um... well... (Shakes his head.) This is a SERIOUS discussion. LASOMBRA So what ABOUT sex? VENTRUE The problem is too many of you take your unlife as permission for a post-mortem orgy. We have rules. Politics. Standards to follow. We are the next level of evolution people. SEX is no longer PLEASURABLE to us... Therefore... TOREADOR (Looks to GIOVANNI. Very quietly.) You can say THAT again... GIOVANNI Well if some people didn't just LAY there like the corpse they are... BRUJAH No longer PLEASURABLE? (Shakes his head.) Trust me...Yer doing it wrong dude... MALKAV Well... I guess I can eat all my edible undies. I like the cotton flavored ones the best. VENTRUE Look. Our lust is for the BLOOD. Not physical pleasures and desires. BRUJAH COME ON... I mean the blood is good... but when is the last time a set of double "D" medical packs turned your head? MALKAV Bobbit it. Cut if off. Recycle it. Make cocktail wieners. RAVNOS Speak for yourself gajo some of us fall into larger groupings. MALKAV Ohh Hung like a HORSE-- (RAVNOS smiles.) MALKAV -- Fly. VENTRUE It's not just the male persuasion of our little group Brujah. Many of the FEMALES engage in sexual activities at constant rates. MALKAV (Suddenly serious.) THAT is disgusting! That is... vile. WRONG. I demand justice. Kindly give me the names and current addresses of these women and I will see that they get what I... what THEY deserve... GANGREL (Thumps MALKAV.) Siddown nutjob. You've got as much chance of getting laid as pickle puss over there. (Jerks her thumb to NOSFERATU.) NOSFERATU (Indignant.) This coming from the bearded lady. GANGREL (Growls.) Watch it scabbie. NOSFERATU I am no stranger to sex my dear wood dweller. TZIMISCE (Wrinkles her nose.) Sex... no. Soap. Now that is a different story all together. ASSAMITE Not that I particularly care, seeing I have BETTER things to do with my time than engage in pointless activities... but does this mean that we shall no longer be capable of having sex? MALKAV It's fallen. And I can't get it UP! TOREADOR (Looks at GIOVANNI.) Been there. Done that. GIOVANNI IT WAS COLD AND I WAS TIRED!! (Room looks to GIOVANNI, who shrinks into his seat. Quietly.) Sorry. VENTRUE (Sighs ignoring the outbursts.) No, Assamite. It simply means that you derive no pleasure from it. You can will the blood... if you MUST... to keep up appearances and what not... But you have no DESIRE for sex. BRUJAH Yeah... especially after finding out that Nosferatu has it.... (Makes a face.) There's a mental image I didn't want. MALKAV Bumping UGLY... Monkey sex. The Leprous Lombada of Love. A Spew Screw. Oral-- GANGREL (Smacks him.) Shut up! You are making us all sick you weird little freak. TREMERE So what is the point of seduction...if you are not going to have sex? VENTRUE The seduction is so you may obtain their blood, without them drawing suspicious. THAT is why our bite is so pleasurable to them. It surpasses sex. (Muffled grumbling.) VENTRUE Well? Final thoughts? Comments? BRUJAH You sure you are not doing this because you can't get laid and are pissed at those of us who can? GANGREL Well I can throw out my date book. NOSFERATU Please do, I'm sure Wild Kingdom would love to find it. TOREADOR (Smirks.) There are exceptions to every rule. TZIMISCE (Shares the smile.) Exactly. MALKAV What about the ol' yank and spank? Is that out? Ya know... the ol' bap and slap? I mean I was REALLY good at that. RAVNOS Rules were meant to be broken. VENTRUE Meeting Adjourned. And remember. We are not interested in sex. The blood is our sex. MALKAV (Very quietly.) Believe that and you are crazier than I am. VENTRUE What did you say? MALKAV Nothing. Just commenting on the weather. (Smiles bright.) ************************************************************************** Clan Politics <Ventrue> Thank you all for attending, and I apologize for not calling a meeting sooner, as it has been awhile since last we spoke. <Brujah> Yeah, notice how we're all misty eyed over that? Tears falling like rain. Why'd ya call us? <Malk> RED RAIN....RED RAIN...RED RAIN... <Brujah> It's red RUM you kook. Now shut up so we can get this over with, I got things to do, people to see... <Tremere> Books not to read.... <Ventrue> ::clears throat:: Ahem. As I was saying. Thank you for coming. I have gathered you today to discuss clan politics, and how we are all aligned. <Toreador> ::looks at Malkav:: <whispers> Or Misaligned. <Ventrue> Um..yes. There is that. At any rate, I have, for simplicity, broken down our clans into 3 political sects, each acting as like minded nesting ground for individual clan interactions. <Gangrel> ::growls and stands:: What did you just call me? <Nos> ::pats her hand:: Sit dear, he didn't call you anything. He's putting us on "teams". Like in football. <Malk> Football?? OHH!! I wanna be on the Yankees! Do I get a hockey stick? <Brujah> Yeah. Lets give spazoid here a big stick. There's a good idea. Why not just give him a chainsaw and some grenades? <Malk> ::incredulous:: I get GRENADES? ::eyes fill with crimson:: You guys love me. You really...love me. <Brujah> Just shut up, before I explode. ::mumbles:: Weird little.... <Ventrue> ::clears throat:: IF I may continue. <Silence> <Ventrue> Thank you. As I was saying. The sects shall be named in the following; Camarilla. Those foll- <Ravnos> Caramello? Isn't that a candy bar? <Giovanni> No, It's that book of sexual positions. <Toreador> That's the Kama Sutra. And maybe you should READ it sometime. <Giovanni> ::sighs deeply:: THIS again? I told you, I threw out my back! <Nos> ::quietly:: Digging into those graves is tasking labor.. <Giovanni> WHAT Did you say? <Nos> Shh. Nothing. Our secret. <Ventrue> ::Sighs:: NOT Caramello. NOT Kama Sutra. ::looks at Malkav:: And before you say it, NOT Karma Karma Karma Chameleon. <Malk> ::stops in mid dance, his mouth drops open. Slowly he just sits:: <Ventrue> ::smiles at Malk knowingly:: As I was saying. The Camarilla. This will be a group of clans that follow our masquerade to the letter, obey the prince, and try to stay unnoticed by mortal society. <Brujah> A buncha kiss asses. <Ventrue> Sorry you feel that way Brujah, as being you are part of that group. <Brujah> WHAT?? Oh COME ON. You honestly expect US to dancey-prancey around. The mortals? You can't be serious. <Ventrue> Dead serious. The Camarilla shall be composed corely of myself, Toreador, Malkav, Nosferatu, you Brujah, Tremere, and Gangrel. <Gangrel> And NOT Gangrel. I'm not following YOU anywhere suitboy. <Malk> ::whispers to Ventrue:: She's still upset about the baboon butt she got the last time she got mad. I've seen it. Red, blue, little white stripes. It looks like she pooped out the American Fl--URNK!.. <Gangrel> ::rubs her fist after knocking out Malkav:: Ow. Baboon butt that you little freak. <Brujah> Go for the face next time. His head is too hard, you'll end up breaking a knuckle. Trust me, I'm an expert on this one. <Ventrue> ::sighs and shuffles the paperwork:: Very well Gangrel. You shall be the first name in the next series of clans. The Independents. <Gangrel> ::growls:: I'm listening. <Ventrue> The Independent clans shall call no alliances. They are kindred who have decided to, for whatever the reason, blaze their own trail. When in Camarilla controlled cities however, they will obey set laws and rules, or else be dealt with accordingly. <Brujah> See? That's perfect for me. Anarchy all the way....hey. Anarchs. Anarchy. Oh..I like that idea. I could go out west and I .... <Ventrue> What idea? <Brujah> Ahhh nothing. Continue. <Ventrue> ::suspicious glance at Brujah:: The Independent clans shall be as follows. Gangrel, Ravnos, Assamite, The Followers of Set and Giovanni. <Set> I would rattthhher be on your ssside, ssseeing asss we only work for tthhe good of all kindred. <Malk> Sthufferin Sthuckatash Slyessther! <Ventrue> Your actions dictate the need for expressed freedoms, Set. I'm sorry. <Giovanni> I don't see why you must be so rigid with this. We should be allowed to choose our alliance. <Toreador> ::scoffs:: What would YOU know about rigid? <Silence> <Ventrue> Um. Yes. And lastly. We have the Sabbat. <Malk> HEYYYYYYY ABBBBBBOOOTTTTTTT! urnk. <Gangrel> ::rubbing her fist:: The face. Thanks for the tip Bruj. <Brujah> ::grins:: Anytime. ::winks::Personally I like a chick with horns. <Ventrue> The Sabbat will be the scourge of kindred communities. They will care nothing of the laws or traditions, doing as they wish when they wish. They shall travel in closely knit packs like wolves, preying wherever they care. <Tremere> Who is left to head such a heinous sect? Only two clans remain, and they are.. <Ventrue> Lasombra and Tzimice. Both clans chosen for their...affinity with darkness if you will. Literally and not. <Lasombra> I get to be the bad guy? Hmmm. I may grow to like this. <Tzim> Grow? I could assist with that. A stretch here..a nip there ..a tuck there. Look what I did for Toreador. <Giovanni> ::Stands:: AHA!!! ::pointing at Toreador:: I KNEW there was NO way those were REAL!! <Toreador> ::sobs and goes running from the room, hands covering her face:: <Gangrel> TWO Clans against the your five? Yeah that's really fair jackass. <Malk> Jack Ass? Talk about liking it kinky! When she's an animal in bed she's REALLY a ::cowers:: Noo!! Don't hit me! Don't hit me! <Ventrue> The Sabbat shall have the ability..to corrupt from all clans. And every clan shall have it's anti-tribe. <Malk> Anti-tribe? A bacterial soap? <Ventrue> A mirror image of it's set sect, allowing it the freedom to become either Sabbat OR Camarilla. <Malk> Ahh. I see. A free spirit among the clans may choose to divert from the set course, and delve into either the darkness or light if you will, thus choosing his own alignment, and not the social stereotypes set upon him by clan title. <Crickets> <Ventrue> Why..yes. Th-that..is exactly right. ::shakes his head:: Any further questions? Yes, Malkav? and may I add, I could come to enjoy your new lucidity. <Malk> Do you have any duct tape? See you have to wrap the gerbil in duct tape so it doesn't explode when you f-- ::Is silenced by Ventrue's hand covering his mouth:: <Tzimisce> The other shoe ALWAYS drops. <Ventrue> ::sighs:: Children. I'm surrounded by children. Meeting adjourned. **********************************************************************************  heh heh heh. These jokes were brought to you by Annabella, the young, the proud, and the immuture. |
| "Will you walk into my parlor?" said the spider to the fly; "'Tis the prettiest little parlor that ever you may spy. The way into my parlor is up a winding stair,And I have many curious things to show when you are there." "Oh no, no," said the little fly; "to ask me is in vain, For who goes up your winding stair can ne'er come down again." | |
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| Annabella Tempest | Saturday, 18. July 2009, 06:18 Post #2 |
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Childe
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BTW: The blank spots on poll are for in between opinions.  |
| "Will you walk into my parlor?" said the spider to the fly; "'Tis the prettiest little parlor that ever you may spy. The way into my parlor is up a winding stair,And I have many curious things to show when you are there." "Oh no, no," said the little fly; "to ask me is in vain, For who goes up your winding stair can ne'er come down again." | |
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3:14 PM Nov 28
