Desiree DeLite

Aug 18 2008, 02:43 PM

Excellent. I knew something was wrong from the moment you said protagonists.

There was only one problem.

Quote:

 

I had really hoped he would’ve noticed. All these cliché moments should have had at least a somewhat intelligent being second guessing him or herself. It makes the whole thing less fun.

I mean, there's nothing wrong with that. But it made me assume everything was being described by someone else in first person and I think it was Origin. Then you refer to Origin in 3rd person. It's kinda confusing. Maybe you should just go through entirely in 3rd person?

Still, this was really good. The cliche theme was used well. I think it could be especially good if you expanded on this to fill several chapters, but it works as it is anyway.