Viewing Single Post From: Ryzing Down

Viewing Single Post From: Ryzing Down
+Hollie	Oct 10 2008, 08:57 PM
Resident Brit Posts: 6,832 Group: Advisor Member #801 Joined: May 19, 2006	Part 1 Quote: Naturally they gave disturbed and sometimes concerned looks towards them in their sorry state. After several not-quite run on sentences, this seems a bit much. "Naturally, they . . ." Quote: After that first night free from chains, hiding, stealing, avoiding, all those actions he had to employ to simply keep his self freedom was an exciting task. The latter part of this is confusing, because it sounds like you're talking about the here-and-now. I suggest replacing 'was' with 'had been'. Quote: Nathan's thoughts drifted to a most dramatic moment when he had to climb up to the roof supports of a half destroyed building with Natalie in tow as members of the search party walked in and barely missed finding them. In the first part, I would suggest 'had had' just to make the past a bit more obvious. Also, it seems a little long. Perhaps something like: "supports of a half destroyed building - Natalie in tow - as members of the search party walked in, barely missing finding them." Quote: With the slightest start he scolded himself for such a base mistake. Basic? Quote: Sooner than he expected they had arrived to wooded area that was his goal. You want 'at', not 'to'. Quote: It was then, while he thoughts were inward and he stopped paying attention to things around him that he heard a sharp gasp. Firstly, typo: his, not he. Secondly "his thoughts were inward"? That does not make sense. "Whilst he was lost in his thoughts," or something. If you go with that, you wouldn't need to have the "and stopped paying attention . . ." bit either. Quote: "Oh dear, you children need help, please, come with me." An older looking woman who's seen fitter days walked hurriedly their way. You're using present tense again. It should be past: "An older looking woman who had seen . . ." Also . . . that seems a really bad point to end on. Like, really, really bad. I thought you'd missed the last part of the chapter out accidentally at first. Part 2 Quote: Natalie hopped out of her chair and had to catch herself from stop herself. Quote: carefully walked to the near by room walking Quote: who was showing her some of the ideas behind pottery and preparing them for a kiln's immense heat. Don't don't need to bake pottery theory, you know. XP Do you mean pieces? Or are you trying to say he's telling her about pottery ideas and how to prepare stuff for the kiln? If so, it could do with a little re-wording to make the meaning clear. Quote: The girl took an interest in his words, she barely knew anything about the world she and Nathan were in, and was fascinated by it. Runs on a tad. "took an interest in his words; she barely . . ." Quote: Despite this he would take occasionally glances out the window in front of him that provided a view of the garden, where Nathan had taken to tending. Oh, ouch ouch ouch. Your words are all over the place. "Despite this, he would occasionally glance out of the window that provided a view of the garden in front of him, where Nathan had taken to . . . tending?" Tending what? The plants? Or do you just mean hanging about? Quote: The boy worried him, he was so different from Natalie, practically a complete opposite. Runs on. Suggestion: "The boy worried him - he was so different from Natalie; practically a complete opposite." Quote: Not long after Laurence had finished with this discussion with Natalie for the day. This sounds like the precursor for another sentence, not one in it's own right. I understand what you're trying to say, but you need to rephrase it. "A few minutes later, Laurence had finished with his discussion with Natalie." Quote: He and his wife Richelle never did have children of their own, they had tried but without success. This sounds like something you'd tack onto the end of a story about Laurence and Richelle. "had never had" Quote: Ultimately he shrugged it off as a minor observance, not willing to embrace the fact that anything would be wrong with what were practically his adopted children Observance? Hmm. It seems more like a minor fault, the way you describe it, or a minor oddity. Also, 'could be' not 'would be'. Quote: "Natalie, could you watch the food for me for a while? I have something to take care of." Richelle requested kindly, hiding what she had seen and her concerns, those were reserved for Laurence. Speech grammar. You know what I'm going to tell you at this point. Also, I'd recommend "concerns - those were reserved for Laurence." Just an aside, but I've noticed that you tend to use a lot of commas. Add some more punctuation in there - hyphens, colons, semi-colons, ellipses - it gives your writing more variety. Quote: "Okay." He nice twin replied with some curiosity as to the request. Speech grammar again. I think you mean "The nice twin". Quote: "Nathan's pulling the vegetables ruining them again." She said solemnly, he had been doing that every few days since they picked him up, and no matter what they told him about it, there was no change. Speech grammar. Also, "solemly - he had been doing that". Quote: and go up to scold the boy once Typo: got. Quote: "I'm back sooner than expected," she greeted the cooperative Natalia, Who is this strange Natalia person? Quote: They had bought some simply Typo: simple. Quote: worry and misunderstanding. Is 'misunderstanding' some sort of foreshadowing for the reader's benefit? Because it just doesn't seem like something this little old lady would think to herself. Quote: "Okay." Natalie said, once again a little curious about the request, by compliant anyway. Speech grammar. Typo: but. Quote: Laurence asked loudly to Nathan, he tried to be understanding and calm about it, he really did, but he just couldn't any longer, the problem persisted without improvement of any kind. "asked Nathan loudly; he tried to be understanding and calm [...] but he just couldn't any longer - the problem . . ." Quote: He simply could not understand why Nathan would do this, which made him anger. Typo: angry. Quote: "No good comes from avoiding answers." He said to himself as he followed at a distance to where the food would be. Speech grammar. Quote: Richelle announced with spunk X__X Please don't use that word in serious writing. For my sanity's sake. Quote: jovial nature here, she seemed to enjoy it just fine while he wanted to break away at the soonest opportunity. "nature here; she seemed". Quote: "It tastes wonderful as always." Natalie commented between bites, Speech grammar. Quote: Having heard enough, Nathan got on his feet without a word and rushed out the door leading to where the beast was, gone before the two "parents" could do anything to stop him. It should really be "got to" his feet, and the sentences runs on a bit. "the beast was - gone before . . . " Quote: "He'll be fine." She said, surprising I dare you to take a guess. [size=1]Speechgrammar . . .[/size] Quote: They were perplexed, and Laurence was certain now that they weren't what he so wanted, they weren't normal children at all. "so wanted: they weren't . . ." That is a much better note to end on, though. I think it unlikely that Nathan would randomly decide to go with this old lady, but whatever. How long have they been with these people? A month? A few months? There's no indication of the time that has passed. Laurence and Richelle are believable enough characters, though; especially Laurence with that final piece. A nice little human twist (well, I say nice . . .) I liked this chapter very much. The next one seems like it's going to be fun. Fight fight fight.
	MSN Wirtjr, Speaker for the Dead says: "Be good, because if you're not, Arick will come down that chimney instead of Santa, and instead of toys he has choloroform, a hacksaw, and a burlap sack." MSN... again Wirtjr, Speaker for the Dead says: I'm a horrible rolemodel. Hؿ�� says: I'll take extra care not to blow my neighbourhood up, I promise Wirtjr, Speaker for the Dead says: Also don't jam forks in strange orifices. Wirtjr, Speaker for the Dead says: ...Wait, that didn't come out right Known as Haar on Brand of Flame. Bitch. Formerly Margaret Thatcher, Aleksandr

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