Viewing Single Post From: Ryzing Down

Viewing Single Post From: Ryzing Down
Rin	Dec 23 2008, 02:07 AM
TOTALLY A MAN Posts: 2,148 Group: Veteran Member #111 Joined: June 10, 2005	You've gotten most of my punctuation/grammar edits on msn, but there're more in there, particularly around dialogue. Watch out for those. Biggest problem this time, as you briefly mentioned during our convo, is the style of writing. Frankly, in some places it just plain sucks. Sorry. It's not up to the standard of previous chapters. Some examples: Quote: With that the Commander wheeled about on his horse and sped back to the front, he has his own preparations to take of. Booooooring. Just as you said, it's just like...I dunno...a transcript. You can do better, Pie. Also, you have a change of tense there. Watch out for those as well. Quote: Instantly the entire line of soldiers changed form as the bodies flowed to different places until, just a few minutes later, it had an entirely new shape. In front were the most heavily armed of the unit, not three rows behind them were lighter fitted barrier mages. Behind them were two lines of crossbowmen, and finally the light infantry with vicious looking spears made up the back rows. At the same time, on a small mound in front of the formation, a platform had been swiftly constructed, with Zared himself standing on top, his personal guard barrier mages to either side, each wore the robes denoting a highly skilled BEM user, one a man with light, short hair, the other a woman with long brown hair. Each stood still and quiet, but were notably looking around at all times, ever vigilant of their surroundings. This paragraph is trickier. It's hard to sound creative when you're laying down battle scenarios for wars such as these, so this is not as sharp a stab as the previous. There're some issues with sentence structure, but I'm sure you're sick of me talking about that with you all the time so, lesse... This might have been more interesting if you had taken the description of the movement from the eyes of Commander Zared. Give his thoughts on the formation, etc. I'm not sure if you think this'll clash with the style of narration you've set up, but just reeling off the description like so is not very engaging at all. This is war. It needs to grip people from the get-go. It's up to you how you do this. That last section with Amalia was decent, I guess, but something about it irks me. Can't quite put my finger on it...I'm tempted to say it was another case of boring narration, but I'm not sure. Maybe someone else will pick it up. Edited by Rin, Dec 23 2008, 02:07 AM.
	Av and Sig were definitely not made by Pendant or fez.

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