This is a little late, I admit.
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Either way was perfectly acceptable to him, he just wanted to make sure the only person to face the danger, the only person to live the moment, was him.
Runs on slightly. A few hyphens or semi-colons might do the trick.
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The two mammals took a stare at each other, the beast's simple mind confused by that creature carrying the sent of its food, Nathan quickly assessing what he should expect.
You can't take a stare at somebody. Just staring. Also, I think you want a colon after "other".
Also, typo: scent.
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Their battlefield was the garden surrounded by sparse trees, and a wide, voluminous river flowing to his far right.
Whose right? I'm assuming you mean Nathan, but you could mean the Jappie.
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It had the semblance of predator cat, but with some spidery traits.
What did, the river? Also, what spidery traits does it share? Does it have six eyes, spin webs, etc . . .
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It's relatively small main body was supported on wiry legs and it sported a strong jaw of carnivorous teeth designed to make certain whatever it chose to eat would be effectively smashed to digestible pieces. Agility and whip like movements, Nathan concluded, were how this beast operated. He'd have to out last it before he could do any real damage.
You might mean small torso. Because 'main body' implies that it has several bodies, which I doubt. Also, you don't need to go into nearly so much detail on the teeth. I think we all know what it uses teeth for.
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He did not feel any such actions by the Jappie leading him to believe it did not actually use Ether, leaving it all to his own use.
comma after "Jappie". Also, the last part of the sentence might be better as a different one: "did not actually use Ether. Good. That meant there was no competition for the supply."
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His body felt better than it had in a long time since finally having proper rest and food for the few weeks had been living where he was, there was no way some non-ether using mangy beast could best him.
Run-on sentence.
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It did bite at the back of his mind, however, why would a hunter of ether using animals have no counter means to its use?
I think you could probably take this out, and adapt the beginning of the next paragraph. It'd make it more shocking when we find out the creature DOES have a counter.
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Letting out a screech of it's name sake, "Jap, jap!", it sprinted in for a decisive blow, a fore leg raised and poison to whack Nathan with sudden blunt force.
The part about it's screech doesn't seem very relevant, and a little intrusive. If you want it in there, add it earlier. Foreleg is one word, I think. Also, do you mean 'poised'? I think you could also say 'whack Nathan' or 'strike Nathan' and not bother with describing the force.
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Concentrating his mental shell on his right fore-arm, Nathan used that as a shield to take the force of the blow, and while it reduced the strike to nothing more than a tomorrow bruise, he was still knocked sideways off his feet and landed on his side.
Runs on a tad. Might be better to split it into a couple of sentences.
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On his back and far from safe, Nathan threw both reinforced arms up to protect his more damageable face.
vulnerable might fit better.
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The Jappie was on him in an instance, it's jaw clenching down on the right arm once again.
Typo: instant
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The beast tore Nathan from the ground with the move it's strong neck and shook him back and forth a few times before the Etherlite finally managed to get his other hand on the Jappie's face.
I think you mean 'with a move of it's strong neck'. Also, this sentence runs on a bit.
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Digging his fingers around one of the beast's eyes he forcibly removed it from it's rightful spot and threw it to the ground.
This should get an 'ewww' reaction, but it doesn't. Add some description in here: what does the eye feel like, does the beast scream, etc. If you do that, you can pretty much get away with saying he removes the eye. We don't need the added fluff.
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Nathan looked at his bitten arm with surprise, it was bleeding pretty badly as clear punctures from the teeth were in his skin.
Runs on a bit.
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Using the bought time with the removed visionary organ, he tried to think of what went wrong.
Too pretentious. Just say eye.
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The answer came to him, he felt it. The creature's saliva, which was still dripping down his arm, was neutralizing his control on any Ether it came into contact with, forcing it off his skin and back into the air.
What exactly is the point of the first sentence? What does it mean? I think this whole part could do with a bit of revision. It just doesn't read very well.
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He wiped the bloody, slimy arm on his shirt to remove all the saliva he could. Then he covered the arm once more in his much needed protective shelling.
I don't think this needs to be two sentences. You could probably re-write it into one.
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Attention returned to the recovering Jappie,
Typo: returning
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The beast has recovered from its pain and showed no signs of backing off despite the injury it incurred.
Typo: had. Also, you might want a comma after "off".
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It swung as Nathan rigidly pulled his body to the ground, using the Ether more than his own muscles to do it in an abnormally swift speed.
How do you pull your own body to the ground? Maybe you mean flung.
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This wasn't getting anywhere fast, with the added danger provided by the animal's spit Nathan's options were severely limited, he needed some way to get an advantage, or remove one of its.
Run-on sentence. Also, that last 'its' does not make sense. Would be better to day 'the creature's.'
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Still flat on the ground, he noted straight ahead of him the large river not more than perhaps twenty yards away from him.
You don't need to note the river's position twice in the same sentence.
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Water, the saliva wouldn't work too well if it was deluded in there would it?
Deluded means misguided. You want diluted.
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Then again, neither would his own ability to use either be very good.
Firstly, I think you mean 'Ether', not either. Also, I think this sentence on it's own is a bit crap. It could be incorporated into the one after or before.
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The answer to that was simple, have one party in while the other party was not.
Feels a little weird as a sentence. Could probably use a little revision.
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he dodged a snap by the creature's jaws
of, not by
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The Etherlite rolled from being on his stomach to on his back as the patterned jaw strike came. Rolling on his side as it fell he narrowly evaded the attack and wrapped both of his arms around its head, locking away the jaw from being any more of a problem. Not to mention making it really hard to see what it was doing.
This paragraph doesn't make much sense in general. The second sentence runs on and the last one shouldn't be it's own sentence. Otherwise, it just generally doesn't work very well.
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With another burst of Reinforcement concentration he planted his heels into the soft ground and began pulling himself and the Jappie towards the rivers.
Naturally the beast resisted as best it could but it wasn't quite enough to stop Nathan's slow and determined progress.
There's only one river. These don't need to be seperate paragraphs. Both sentences run on a little too.
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The two monsters struggled all the way to the bank, Nathan's death grip not letting up at all.
I don't like the word monster to describe Nathan. He's the protagonist (or one of them). Also, in this position, it makes more sense for him to just break it's neck, and not go through all the unneccesary bother of dragging it to the river.
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Nathan's back to the bank there was only one thing he needed to do.
Needs rethinking, because this sentence seems disjointed and doesn't make much sense.
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The Etherlite gathered all his power and lifted the Jappie's body as he stood straight just long enough to then pull back and bring the two crashing, Nathan fell back as his arms and the Jappie's head splashed into the river.
. . . What?
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Nathan coughed for air from the impact forcing air from his lungs, as the Jappie's legs frantically scrambled to get free of the water that was drowning it.
I have no idea what's going on here, except the Jappie seems to be drowning from standing in water?
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Now it was a struggle of endurance. Would the REM outlast breath, would Nathan's strength outlast the Jappie's legs?
Doesn't really need to be two sentences.
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The beast's legs occasionally landed on Nathan's body, causing for a beating as all of his concentration now was on the arms holding the head in place, leaving the rest of him vulnerable to damage.
Again, wtf does this mean. I get that he's vulnerable to damage, but how, why, and what the hell does the first part of the sentence mean?
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Tens of seconds later the Jappie's body slowed and relaxed, no longer struggling and showing signs of getting weaker and weaker until nothing. The body just flopped limply to the ground as Nathan found himself stuck under a heavy weight.
This seems a very anti-climatic way to end the fight.
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He was so exhausted he felt like joining in on the relaxation.
Um, except the Jappie isn't relaxing, it's dead?  What the point of this sentence is I have no idea.
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With a calming breath of fresh air the Etherlite worked his way out from under the body and proceeded to shove it all the way into the river, letting the current rid the area of the carcass.
Runs on.
I'll get to the others later. >_>; Sorry that this is a kinda lame review but I don't really feel like going into detail.
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1:25 AM Nov 27
