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| This is a story that i'm writing | |
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| Topic Started: Jun 9 2005, 03:50 PM (209 Views) | |
| Mage Guy | Jun 9 2005, 03:50 PM Post #1 |
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Well this is a story that i'm writting. So if it doesn't go here just move it for me thank you. And it is copywrited so don't even think about it. And mind you that it is the end of the story so just keep that in mind. Conspiracies vol. 3 It had been a long time in the musty and dank dungeon like place that we know as a hospital. The CRAZY BLOODY KNIFE GUY hadn’t been brought to justice but he had been bashed in the head with a bed pan and that had to be the most degrading thing ever to be upheld. For crying out loud you don’t know where that thing has been. But it was all over and all of us had gotten out ok. And we got a new member in the mix. Well it was time to get some more dirt on the council. It seemed that our contact with Mr. Redwood had become slim. Well it was a week after all the mess in the hospital that a new family moved into the little town of whatever because it didn’t have a name. The husband was a strong looking man. He was an FBI agent. Well en ex FBI agent and that was good enough for us. We pleaded for him to go to the council building and look at all the stuff that had been going on. Well he did and what he saw was enough to go and have a talk with the council himself or what was left of the council. Well things started to turn sour after the man hadn’t come out of the building for 3 days. We went to talk to the man. Grace was the first to notice something weird about him. A strange cut on his forehead. “What is that strange cut on his forehead?” Grace asked as he started to come closer to us “Don’t worry what did they do give him a Lobotomy.” Alice started to joke. “So um what happened at the council building. Did you give them a stern talking to and then kick their evil buts.” I asked “How dare you talk to a council member like that.” “WHAT DID YOU SAY!!!!!!!!” Chris replied to his comment “I am the new council member. So you are not allowed to talk to me like that. If you children want to address me it will have to be in a comment card or at the next town meeting.” Was all he said and he walked away to his house. We stood there in awe. How could this have happened? What could they have done to him? Wait how did Alice know the word Lobotomy? Wait how was Alice right? To many questions that have no answers or at least the last two. “What just happened?” Taylor said.[who was with the group this time.] “I have no idea.” Was all I had to say. We had lost a powerful ally. I still can’t figure out how Alice knew that word. It amazes me I just… well anyway back to the story. We decided that it was time to start spying on the newest council member in the neighborhood that was really the whole town because it was so small but that is irrelevant. So we were heading over to the new members house [we didn’t even know his name yet] and we saw him painting his window black. “Well their goes our little plan.” Grace claimed. She rolled her eyes. “Are we really going to let some paint stop our plan. He is only on the first window. Is no one going to do anything? Fine I will.” So she started to walk closer to the house. The house was right behind the lake [just to let you know]. She walked closer and closer then she said loudly. “You look like you could use a little swim.” She smiled and simply pushed the latter that he was standing on. It instantly tilted and rocked back and forth until. Well let’s just say three cups of blood a towel and a neck brace later we were having a tough time with our new neighbor. It was getting closer to the time that we were going to leave. We had to find a place to get out and a travel plan. We had figured out how we were going to get out through the sewers. It was time for us to scope it out. “Chris I hate to say it but you’re going to have to go into the sewers. It’s going to be hard but Kati will be with you.” “But I don’t want to. Are you crazy there are alligators down there?” SPLASH. “Okay, I guess that I’ll check it out but you better give me something good when I get out.” “Alright Kati, it’s your turn to go down there.” “Um, I don’t think I can do it. I’m sorry but I have extreme claustrophobia and that sewer is going to get pretty tight. Sorry Chris but it looks like your going to have to go by yourself.” “Fine, breath, cough, choke, wheeze, oh, it smells terrible down here.” With that Chris began his journey underneath the town to find his way to a good safe way out of the town. ~Chris, Sewers~ It was absolutely rank down there. I walked down the labyrinth of tunnels. I used a small maker to draw a circle in hallways that I had been in before. If I passed by a wall that had a circle on it I would start over. Tai had told me that I had about two hours down there before I needed to either come back or find another manhole for fresh air. If I didn’t I might pass out from fumes or what not. I wasn’t paying much attention to it just knew that it wasn’t something that I wanted to happen to me. I had been walking down in the tunnels for about 1and30min and it wasn’t looking good. I couldn’t find an exit and I couldn’t find my starting place. It wasn’t that there were that many tunnels just the fact that everything looked the same. It seemed that in a few places I would find a button off my jacket. I had lost a few buttons and found them near a wall. That’s when I realized either someone was wiping away the non-permanent maker or it was smearing off. Drip, Drip, Drip. SPLASH. Stomp she, Stomp she, I turned around. I think that I was starting to get paranoid. I kept going I had to find an opening somewhere soon or I would most likely pass out or whatnot. That is when I saw it. It was an opening. There was a small grate over it and it didn’t seem that sturdy so I walked over and I rushed it and it fell over. I took a deep breath. It was the forest that surrounded the entire town. I had finally found a way out. But the bad thing was I didn’t know how to get back I was out should I run? Should I just stay here for a moment? Thoughts like these began to go through my brain. Could I betray my friends and try to escape? Drip, Drip, Drip. Stop she, Stomp she, Ripples through the nasty water collected around my feet. I looked back and there was something coming towards me. But it wasn’t a man. If it was than it was a very tall man and he looked a little deformed. Right now I didn’t care about my friends because I needed to get out of this sewer alive if I ever even wanted to see them again. SNAP, shink, slice, Ugh, Plop, splash. More ripples appear. I wasn’t really sure what had happened but a long blade was swinging back and forth and half of the body of the thing was still standing while the other half lay face down in bloody water. That’s when I noticed that that there was many heads and bodies floating in the water. I thought that I had felt something hit my leg but paid no attention to it. But that means that someone would have to come and reset the trap which meant that I would have to leave the sewers but where. That person would probably know where the trap was supposed to be so there was no trying to hide in the sewers. I would have to go into the forest and hope for the best. I walked through the brush looking at all of the vegetation it was nice and I don’t even really like nature. The cool air was refreshing from the dankness of the sewers. The crunch of the leaves under my feet was a nice reminder of the life outside of the town. I looked up at the cloudy looking sky it wasn’t even depressing it was great. I stopped to take it in for a moment; the only problem was that the crunching of the leaves didn’t stop when I did. The sounds got closer and closer. When I turned around I loo…BANG. Crunch. ~Grace, Cemetery~ I decided not to go with the group to the sewers I figured that it was going to be boring so instead I went to the cemetery. It was the only place that I could practice my dancing since it was forbidden and the cemetery was pretty empty. It was a dark afternoon since it was very cloudy but then again it was most of the time in the mountain town. The temperature was dropping fast and I hoped that Chris was going to be fine in the water in the sewers. I might not have been there but I didn’t know who they were sending down there. It had defiantly dropped down past the freezing mark. In fact my little fleece was becoming a little obsolete but the weird thing was that it was still only the middle of September and it doesn’t really snow that much up here at that time. But that didn’t stop Mother Nature from making it snow. It began to belt down snow. I looked up and the snow began to cover my face. “You know you shouldn’t be out here.” A boy with red hair said to me. He began to bend over a grave with the name Pamela Runey on it. He placed a bouquet of dandelions on it. Flowers were scares up here so it was nice that he could find those. “Really, but you should be…” “Preston, Preston Runey.” “Preston Runey huh, well it would seem that if I shouldn’t be here than you shouldn’t be here either. I may not be placing flowers but I am showing respect by dancing in front of the dead. Isn’t that good enough?” The boy didn’t raise his head or move. “I think that one of your friends is in trouble.” He finally said. I looked up and saw one of the henchmen of the council carrying Chris away. I ran out of the cemetery and went to where the group was still anxiously waiting for Chris. “Guys, I just saw Chris being carried up the hill to some strange shed like place I think he was being carried by our teacher.” We all hurried to the spot that we saw our teacher Mr. Johnsen carrying Chris. This was really bad Chris had been knocked out but had he found a way out of the town. But there was something that stuck out in my mind but I couldn’t really remember what it was. I think that it was something that Preston had said but I couldn’t remember. It was in there somewhere but I couldn’t figure it out. ~Taylor, Worker’s Shed~ We entered the shed but it was empty but for a few pots and some power tools. We were baffled. How could they get out of the shed without us knowing? They had to have gone down a passage. And trust me it wasn’t that hard to find. The knob of the door was sticking up and everything. “Only one person needs to go down there.” I of course (since it is my chapter and all) I climbed down a one mans latter. It was a tight fit but I was able to fit through. When I got to the bottom there was a small tunnel probably about a few yards long and a few inches wide but I managed. There was another one mans latter at the other end of the hall that I climbed up. When I reached the top it was almost parallel to the other room. I was definitely in the council building. It was a different room that we haven’t been in yet. Chris was on a wall and still unconscious. He was just tied to it so I could easily untie him. But that is when the teacher Mr. Johnsen walked in. “Why hello, what are you doing here?” He asked as I was untying the knot surrounding Chris’ ankle. “Me? Oh nothing just trying to get my friend back.” I snapped back at him. “Well, you’re doing it all wrong.” Mr. Johnsen pulled a small saw from his back belt and began sawing the rope from around Chris’ other ankle. “Well, keep untying.” He started to cut the rope from around his waist as I undid the one around is wrist. In no time we were done. But there was a creak out side the door. It opened slowly with a creak and Crando stepped into the room. He pulled a small silver revolver from his coat loaded three shots into it and held it up ready to fire. “Why Bret you disappoint me.” He fired a shot and it when through Mr. Johnsen’s left shoulder. “And you boy, I just don’t like you.” He fired another shot and it grazed my right leg and I fell to the floor. “And, sleeper I am just appalled that you would waste people’s lives like this.” BAM. Crando fell to the floor and Alice and the gang stood behind him. Of course Alice with her Gibson SG 1970 in her hands. “He talks to much.” She smiled and lowered the guitar. “Now, it’s your turn.” She turned to Mr. Johnsen and began to run at him. I quickly jumped in the way. “Stop, he was helping me.” Alice looked down at the man. He shook his head in a yes course of action. Chris started to come to and Kati and Grace went to help him up. Tai was walking over to help Mr. J up. When they turned around Crando was gone. “Just great we turn around for one minute and he is gone.” Tai exclaimed. They all talked for a moment and after they had heard both sides of the story they left the building. The snow was still coming down pretty hard. At that point we all went our separate ways. “I got it, I got it.” Mr. J had struggled free from Tai’s grasp. “As of right now I’m your friend. But don’t get comfy I’m still trying to get out of this stupid town so if you slow me down I will leave you. But as for now you have my help and my trust.” He walked through the ankle deep snow off down the street to his home. It would seem that the more and more we were all in this town the more paranoia and hostility began to take it’s affect on us all. Tai was much more violent in his actions and his motives were no longer to try to let the people live. He had a new motive if anyone got in his way they were going to die. Things were getting worse and the worse part was that the group’s spirits were starting to get down. ~Alice, Town~ Now a days we were starting to resort to stealing anything that we needed. I was the one in charge of that. I had to break into sheds and houses looking for anything that could be used later on. But the thing was that more and more people began to get “brain washed” as things went on making a lot harder on us. The people that we thought were on our side are starting to be the first to go. But the strangest thing is this boy he keeps following me around and most of the other group. He has asked Tai plenty of times if he can help us but none of us trust him. Time is of the essence is something that Tai continued to say but it was starting to wear. He is starting to get tired heck we all are. I don’t know how many more times we can keep this all up. Click, Snap, pop. The lock of the house that I was at opened; there was no one there so that was good. I walked into the front room. I was supposed to find plastic bottles and some rope. I found both of them here in this house. Creak…there was a strange sound that appeared from behind me. This strange looking man slowly inched towards me. He wasn’t a zombie or anything like that but he certainly wasn’t human either. He had a metal plate in his head and one of his eyes was covered with a patch. He reached one hand out towards me. The only thing at my resource at the moment was 12 plastic bottles in a bag and a 24 foot rope…hello…add a vase to my arsenal. I picked up the vase off of a small table and pushed the bloody hand that was actually missing 2 fingers and slammed it right on his cranium. But it didn’t do any damage to the guy he just kept on walking towards me. In the other room there had been a clothes line out side the window of the room behind me. It was my only hope but before I could even run the bloody hand grabbed my neck then the other. The only thing that I was touching was now nothing I was completely off the ground. The small table would be the only thing to keep me from suffocating at that exact moment. I placed my foot on it and gained a little leverage and shoved my other foot as hard as I could into the armpit of the blood splattered man. CRACK. The arm went limp and he dropped me. I had obviously dislocated the arm. But I was far from over. He just kept coming there was no stopping him. I ran to the room that I spoke of earlier and slammed the door. The room was a yellow color. I remember because it is my most hated color. The bed spread was bloody and a hand laying on its sheets a woman was on the other side of it. I unlatched the window and opened it up. That is when the closet door opened up. A gore looking man came out and collapsed on me. He was obviously dead. A chill ran down my spine and I pushed him off. BANG. A small hole came through the door and a small laugh was heard. I hoped to God that the clothes line would hold my weight. I put my trust in God and I grabbed on to the small wire and lifted my feet out the window. I slowly shimmied my way across the clothes line and into the next house. A man was taking a nap but the window was opened so I was okay. My hands were frozen because it had been snowing for the past few days and the wire was freezing. The door in the other house fell over and the bloody soaked man looked at me through the window. A twisted smiled spread across his face. He just stood there and looked at me as I crawled through the other window. I walked out the front door of the other house with my bottles and rope still in my hands. I had gotten what I had come for and left with a moment of true terror. “Yes that is wonderful but what about the end what happened at the end.” “As I told you before sir I will have to just tell you that when I get there my session is over don’t you have to see one of the others already?” “Fine you can go but I will get that.” “In good time sir but first, you must listen to all of the story. Someone will tell you the end, now good day.” ~Tai, Park~ Paranoia has set into me. I’m not sure how much longer I can lead. I decided to try to spy on the council building from the park. But my mind kept telling me to look back. I’m not sure why but I have had some strange feelings. I have wanted to just leave my friends and escape but I can’t do that to them. We have strived to hard for me to just give up now. But all of this stuff with the boy Preston and Mr. Johnsen and all of this are making it even more difficult to get through all of this. We have been through so much, since the time I dug up that man in the cemetery and seeing Alice’s mom in the lake. It was just too much for me. “Death isn’t always absolute. Sometimes the dead can one day roam again.” Coo Flap, Flap, Flap, Flap, CAW. I spun around in fright. Preston was standing there. “You are supposed to be the leader but yet you jump so easily. I thought that leaders were supposed to be fearless. I am fearless maybe you and your paranoid self should just go and let me lead your “friends” out.” “How do you know that I’m paranoid? I haven’t told anyone and why do you think that you are some much better than everyone else. You know you really remind me that there is more to being a child than innocence. All you seem to radiate in spirit is evil. I don’t know why but if you must join us than fine. Since you haven’t done anything truly evil I suppose that it would be nice to have someone else around. But just for now please leave me alone.” He walked away. The only reason I said that is because I noticed that Joseph was hiding in the bushes. When it looked like Preston was gone he came out and he handed me another little manila folder and simply walked off. “YOU CAN’T HIDE EVERYTHING.” Preston yelled from a distance. I began to shake. It was another one of my little fits that I had been starting to get. I really was starting to get anxious. I walked home and found out that there was a special visitor coming to the town for a few days on his way up to Virginia. “You mean that dad is coming up? Really? Yes, now I’m sure that he will listen to me.” But before the plans were really set they ended. Apparently the council didn’t approve of it. Now that there were only three members of the council left it was really a race to take down the ex-FBI agent. He tended to keep to himself. So that would just have to be our prime target for a change. Crando was too quick and Joseph was on our side. But even before we could concoct a plan to get rid of him he was dead. He had a heart attack after eating a hamburger at the small little deli. It seemed that things were beginning to get tricky. There was no way to tell what was going to happen next. “Is that it? That is the next part of your story, things seem to be starting much more quickly now. Did you have any idea what was going to happen next?” “No sir we didn’t I am just telling like it is. And don’t ask me what happened next because I have to leave right now. I will see you again tomorrow at the same time.” “Fine, I need to lock up anyway. But you’re sure he is dead?” “Yeah, I guess. I couldn’t see how you could live when you get stuck like that. We were all quite sad. We trusted him. I couldn’t see why he would…I’ve said too much you will find out soon enough so don’t worry. Good night.” ~Kati, Cliff~ My job at the moment was quite simple all I had to do was to see how far it was from the town to the next house that looked to have a car. Easy huh, well it wasn’t I had to go up on the highest cliff of the mountain to look for them then I had to determine how far it was. Well the cliff was quite familiar to me because we used to go up there and talk all the time. But the unfamiliar thing was that that Preston kid came with me. He said that he had already finished the job that he was assigned. “So, why do you want to get out? It seems to be kind a nice here don’t you think?” He asked me. “Well because with most of the stuff that I’ve seen with my friends I really just want to leave that’s all. Why do you ask you join this group so that you could leave? Are you having second thoughts or what? If you are than leave now before you get too involved.” He was really starting to scare me with all of his talk. I wasn’t sure what I should do. So I just try to ignore most of his comments. But he just kept on asking things. All about my family and how I was pretty and how he wanted to well be my boyfriend. It was scaring me, a lot. But finally I found the closest house. It appeared to be about 3 and one-half miles down the mountain and as well as I could see it had a car next to it. Well before I could really start writing things down there was a sound. Tumble, Tumble, he, He, He. The sound of rocks falling like someone was coming up and then the sound of laughing. It was starting to get a little nerve racking because that sound had been following us all the way up the mountain. When whatever it was finally reach us it was a bald looking man. He had claw tipped fingers and his teeth were filed down to points. He had some dried blood around his mouth and on his hands where the claws were. Other than that he looked like a normal person. He began to laugh and walk closer. Preston didn’t look nervous at all but I was petrified. I hadn’t seen anything like this before in my life. He was definitely a Frankenstein looking creature to me. Preston stood there steadfastly and started doing weird things with his hands. The creature instantly directed it’s attention to me and began to charge forwards. Well me being on the cliff made this a bit difficult for me to go anywhere if you catch my drift. He outreached its hand and held me over the cliff. Then with the clawed hand it stabbed its claws right into my abdomen. I screamed in pain but it looked like Preston had already run away. I hoped that he was going to warn the others of how I was being killed and hopefully they could save me before I was completely mutilated. It twisted its hand around a little and that is when I felt myself becoming unconscious. But I wasn’t going to die I kept telling myself. I kicked the thing right where it hurt. It obviously was once a normal man because it instantly dropped me. The only problem was it was off the cliff. As he just released me I looked down at a small shrub on the side of the cliff and grabbed onto it. There was a cave big enough for me that I could reach from the shrub and the position that I was in. So I took the chance and swung over and got into the little alcove and balled up. The creature looked over the side and thought that I had fallen off so I looked up in time to see it walking away. I looked around and noticed that there was a little tunnel through the wall of the alcove and I could just fit. The little tunnel ended up to go straight under the big fountain in the park. When I opened up the small trap door the tunnel became flooded with water. But I was able to get out of the tunnel safely. “Well I’m glad to hear it. But still did you know what the thing was did you think that you were going to die?” “Well I didn’t know what the thing was. But I did think that I was going to die there for a minute. You know I really think that that event was what triggered what happened the next day. But your not going to hear it from me. Until tomorrow my good sir.” “Good night young lady.” ~Grace, Church~ It was a weird day today. The small church that was in the town was closed down today. They said it was because of how it was still snowing and they didn’t want to get any of it in the church but I could tell that wasn’t the reason. Besides the hospital the that was the largest building. Then there was the council building but that was a difference. But my first thought was what they would be doing in a church. I decided to check it out since I had finished my assignment. I broke the lock on the door and walked into the open dark and creepy building that was my church. At first it seemed that there were no lights in the entire place but then I noticed that there was a light on behind the stage. The podium stood like a dark man watching me. When I climbed up the steps to the stage area I went where I had seen the light. I saw another set of steps from where the light was. It was going down to a basement area that I didn’t even know that they had. I walked down the solemn steps and there was another door. I opened it up. Inside was a dim light. There was a blood covered gurney and some chemicals and metals on a tables. But then there were many instruments. Like the ones that doctors used. Like scalpels, clamps, and other instruments. But lets not get into that. But what really frightened me was that there was a blood splattered man on the gurney. He wasn’t nasty blood splattered but he was blood splattered. It looked like most of his head was missing. And half of his brain to! Drip, Drip, Drip. Blood began to drip from the side of the gurney that the man was spread out on. There was a small little blinking machine on the table next to him. It looked like there was an antenna coming out of it. I wasn’t sure but it looked as though it was almost remote controlled. Alice had said something about being attacked by one of these things. Also we hadn’t seen Kati in a while I hope one of these things hasn’t gotten her was well. I looked at some of the chemicals. I wanted to be a bio chemist so this was going to be some good practice. Acids, bases, and other things littered the small shelves of the basement. There was no other place to go but up. It looks like I made a pretty big discovery. I went to talk to my friends about it. We all went back to check it out again. But the only problem was that the man that I had seen on the table was gone. The snow continued. A feeling of Claustrophobia set in. We were all alone. Snowed in to this small town. An exurb from the Diary ~Chris, Library~ I was sent to the library which was not that normal to me. I was sent to see if I could find any thing like maps or atlases or anything like that. If not well then just come one back. But there was no one in the library that day. Usually there were lots of people in there but not this time. The librarian gave me a dirty look when I entered. I began to look around in the non-fiction area but to no avail. I continued on in my desperate search of a map or anything. But I still couldn’t find anything. The bell on the front door rang. Ring, ring, ring. Then the door closed and a strange man began walking around. I think that he was after me. I wasn’t sure but with claws and a head like that I wasn’t going to wait and find out. I began to hide up and down the isle of the library. There was only one way out and the crazy looking cat seemed to be blocking it. I had to find away out even if it meant. A quick action by me. Push, knock, rock, rock, rock, tip, crash, bam, smash. Oops, there went my book case. “Sorry about that, hopefully you won’t have that much of a headache when you get up.” I smiled at him. But he got up faster than I hoped. He slid out from under where the book case was and began to chase after me. And he was fast to. I mean I can’t run all that fast but he was gaining on me quick. As I ran down the snow covered path to the closest land mark in the town from the library; which was the park by the way. I saw Kati. “Oh, thank god, I need help this crazy guy is after me and.” Before I could finish my sentence I was knocked aside by the thing. It had its eyes set on Kati. She tipped her head to one side kind of like she was anticipating this. But the bad thing was that another one of these freaks appeared! We had thought that there was one but there was actually tw…oh to late no there are actually three! THREE! This was beginning to look a little messy. We didn’t know how to kill them or if they could even die. But the scary thing was I noticed one of the creatures. It was the ex-FBI agent or ex-council member well you know it really didn’t matter because he was dead. The closed in around Kati and she looked a tad frightened. I grabbed her stiff arm and I dragged her away. But the people fallowed. I wasn’t sure how this was going to work but I was going to take at lease one of them out if it was the last thing that I’ll ever do. Well probably not but hey it sounded heroic didn’t it. We headed to the lake. It was the only thing left in the general vicinity of the park. As we ran towards the lake I could hear them right behind us. BAM, BAM, BAM. There loud bangs came from behind us and one of the things fell to the ground. It turned over and it was obviously dead. Kati and I huffed and puffed and we didn’t blow no house down. Mr. J cam out from behind one of the trees near the exit of the park. His jacket white from the snow still falling to the ground. A warm sensation fell over me. It was glad to know that we had someone like that as a friend. The other two creatures ran off after their compatriot died. He walked over to both of us and handed us a flask. He told us to take a sip. It was brandy but it did warm the soul a little. “I have to go now but I’m glad to know that your alright he said.” That was the last thing that he said to us for a while. “What do you mean?” “What I mean is that you’re going to have to find out later. I have to leave.” “Wait just a few more questions. I just want to know what were you feeling at that moment that all that snow was making it even more difficult for you in that little town.” “To tell you the truth. Absolute misery. We were getting closer to salvation then it was like a blanket was making it even harder for us. I was terrified. Kati was seriously hurt and we weren’t sure but she could get tetanus it was looking grim. We were really in a bind. And like what it said in that journal that Grace had written. Claustrophobia and paranoia was really setting in. Especially in Tai. It was getting scary there for a moment with all of his episodes. We were thankful to have him but he was really starting to say that he couldn’t lead anymore but he kept on keeping on just for us and he kept the spirits of us all up. We were lucky to have him. I’m glad that he and most of us got out safely. I’ve said too much. Good night officer.” ~Tai, Final Council Building Showdown~ Now i would like it if you were brutally honest and please do write a reply if you read it. I like the critism. So have at you, and enjoy. :lol: |
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Jun 9 2005, 04:17 PM Post #2 |
goku ownz vejeta!!!!
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Eh, I believe this would go in the fan fic section... nice job so far though. |
  [size=19]SENTENAL 4 ROOT[/size] | |
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| FireEmblemgirl | Jun 10 2005, 07:54 PM Post #3 |
I never took the time to take the arrows out of my back
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Hm... Before I say my piece I want to remind you that you asked me to read your story and in doing so you must have none that I will not sugar coat anything, I will not lie to you, and I will not restrain from my opinions. Please do not back sass me on anything I say. People tend to get touchy about their work and I hope you are above that. I trust you to be above that. I will conduct my feedback on the creative writing standards: What I liked followed by what needs improvement. What I liked: I enjoyed how the characters seemed almost clueless to things. It made them seem more like children and got the message across that these are not adults dealing with this situation. It also added to the voice (Though I have a following comment on that subject later). I also thought it was cute how the town has no name and the people are cruely governed. It gave a good feel to the setting. What needs improvement: Description- I could not see these characters. They were faded out characters. I assumed that the character Grace looked like Grace from our school and some of the other characters whose names I am familiar with but how could anyone else know what these characters look like? Act like? What are their morals and beliefs? How will they most likely react to a given situation? You left the reader blind and dumb when it came to visualizing these characters. Vaugeness- The story was far too vague. As I said before I have already heard some of this story from you so I knew somewhat the basic plot, and yet I was still confused. How is anyone else suppose to know what's going on? Who are these council members? Who are our heroes? What are they trying to do? What does everyone want? What is going on? Dialouge- The dialouge I found to be unbelievable at times. It seemed like they had no emotion in what they said and it wasn't very varied from character to character. They didn't sound totally like teenagers (which I assumed they are). I will however tell you that I am very proud of you for not doing the "he said, she said" bit that makes stories monotonous. No action- There was really no exciting action. And the little action there was, was too far away that it wouldn't keep your readers attention. Confusing- Not only was the plot confusing but some of your sentences were worded funny and it took longer than it should to figure out what you were trying to say. Avoid things like this. Distinguishing characters- When you switched between characters I noticed no voice change. All the characters were the same character just different names basically. They all had the same voice. Your voice. As a writer you need to understand that the art of writing and the art of the theater walk so closely hand-in-hand that it is impossible to have one sucessfully without the other. You must enter the minds of your characters and give them a personality then potray that in the way they tell the story. I know you and I know you could be in drama if you so disired so I challenge you to try and improve on this. You have the potential. Answering the questions- You constantly tell the reader what you're doing and what to expect. This takes all the fun out of what is suppose to be a horror/ mystery story. Your reader, no matter what you think, is not retarded and can put two and two together. Besides a good writer can keep their readers guessing and that's what makes reading fun. However there is another matter that goes with this one. Sometimes you keep vital information away from the reader and that is never good. If the reader needs to know something, let them. Don't play keep away with stuff that needs to be known. That is all. I would like to remind you though that my expectations are... rather high. I judge anyone who asks me to read their work on the same level as I would my creative writing peers. Please also try to understand that my comments are only to help you and I give my advice in hopes that you can use it and make your story better. Also I said not to back sass me, if you remember from above, and that is quite true, but if there is anything that I commented on that you are confused about do not hesitate to ask. I would hate to think that you do not understand the points I am trying to get across. I have some advice for you and any other struggling writers that should happen to read this: 1) Read. Dip into the writing styles of good authors and learn from them. You can only improve if you read. 2) Keep trying. Writing is not an easy game to play. People have the raw talent and others have to work at it. Find your strengths and weaknesses and then work on improving your weaknesses. Keep your chin up! 3) Revise. The best thing you can do is revise. Someone once said that there is no such thing as a finished draft and that is so very true. A story is finished when your publishers give you a due date. Fortunatly you don't have to worry about that, so constantly revise. 4) Choose your readers. Have people you trust to be honest with you read your story. I mean no ill will when I say this, but some people on this forum may read your story and just say, "Oh that's good." This helps you in no way and does nothing but set you up badly for critizism later. You need dedicated people who can be those tough editors if you ever wish to really excel. Again, nothing is on a personal note. And I apologize for the longness, but then again you asked for it. :lol: |
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Not Waving but Drowning Nobody heard him, the dead man, But still he lay moaning: I was much further out than you thought And not waving but drowning. Poor chap, he always loved larking And now he's dead It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way, They said. Oh, no no no, it was too cold always (Still the dead one lay moaning) I was much too far out all my life And not waving but drowning. -Stevie Smith | |
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Jun 10 2005, 08:43 PM Post #4 |
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goku ownz vejeta!!!!
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Lmao, your reply was almost as long as his story. Yea, I agree with FEgirl that there could be a bit more description and such. |
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[size=19]SENTENAL 4 ROOT[/size] | |
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| Mage Guy | Jun 11 2005, 12:22 PM Post #5 |
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Yes I know. Like I said before in the top if you look again it says that these are the later pages of the story, all of my other work has been erased. (frick a fracka) But I want to thank you both. That really does help me to know what I need to add and what I need to change. So Thank you both again. :lol: |
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11:28 AM Nov 25
