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| Ryzing Down; Original Fiction | |
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| Topic Started: Mar 2 2008, 04:10 AM (1,161 Views) | |
| Psiwri | Mar 2 2008, 04:10 AM Post #1 |
Too Many Words
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Yup, originally started for my weak attempt at NaNoWriMo, I finally feel like going somewhere with it again. ---------------- Arc 1: Scatter Chapter 1: Exposure Part 1: To the Light Tralstine, Seral. 7:23 PM August 17th, 848 The Dungeon Today was a little different, so much that Nathan's mind felt like it had turned on for the first time in... however long it had been. More precisely, there was noise outside. Loud, violent noise. A noise full of yelling, screaming, and the sounds of debris crumbling upon itself. If he had remembered the word for it he would have called this the sound of battle. Aside from sound, however, all the other senses felt nothing reportable. The ground was still solid, cold, and damp. The scent was long forgotten and he never smelled anything, though he could only assume it was bad. His eyes were still dilated in the absence of light save the same single torch at the end of a hall he couldn't see down that was always there. Dust covered every surface imaginable. His eyes saw the same sullen, silent faces of those across the hall in the cell, just staying still, saving energy for nothing but fruitless continuation of life. Sometimes one would die only to be replaced by another who would moan and make a fuss for the first few weeks before becoming like the rest. He saw them age, from young ruffians to sad, thin, hairy old men. They were just as himself, but.. But, he did not age, and he did not know what the cause for this difference was. He had been in here for so long that if he had known before he did no longer, was this just a natural difference between him and those others? After all--he looked to the girl asleep on the stone floor beside him, his sister. At least that's what he felt she was, as she did about him, though neither knew for sure. She too, hadn't shown any signs of growing older. That is what made him feel as though he was not alone, that he was not some anomaly of existence. It truly made him wonder, just how long had he been down here? How long, had the world moved on without him and the others stuck in this, as he at least hoped, bottom of the social chain existence. A louder than before sound reverberated through his thoughts, interrupting what was perhaps his first real train of thought in a few years, assuming he could still gauge what a year was. Whatever was out there was closer than before. It made him want to stand up, and go out to see, nothing triggered his curiosity like this since he could remember. He wanted out there... he wanted to be part of the noise. Sounds of metal hitting metal were heard, so close, so clear, he could only imagine they existed just beyond the doorway to the world above him. He lightly shoved Natalie, to wake her up. Something was going to happen, and he genuinely felt a very odd sensation, foreign to him. His heart, he could feel it beating throughout his body, he felt awake, alive. he felt like he could do something. Such a feeling just had to be shared with his only source of companionship. "Mmh, is it meal time?" A weak feminine voice asked as the girl slowly sat upright at the prodding. Her eyes were still half closed from drowsiness, or perhaps general weakness. "No, something a lot more exciting than that." Nathan chimed with unreasonable energy. As if on cue, the sound of something slamming against The Door was heard. The Door was the only place that ever gave the captives of this place an idea of what was outside, usually just light and the sounds of annoyed guards, but it was incredible to those held within. "I guess." She said back, failing to share the same new excitement Nathan had. He looked at her again with disbelief. "You do know what this means don't you?" He paused, she just looked at him with an ever so slightly arched eyebrow. "We might be getting out of here." He finished, a smile, mixed with hope, joy, and cunning cracked over his lips. "Why would anyone let us out of here? You're just imagining things." She appreciated his hope, but honestly. Nathan took the comment with a flash of annoyance as he retorted with a "We'll see." -------- "Damn Seralians, getting in the way even after they're dead." A gruff womanly voice shoved the body from leaning against the door to the dungeon. "You guys stay here and keep open a path, I'm going in alone." Taking out a key that was... acquired previously she fiddled with the lock and started to push it open. --------- Clank, clank, rattle, snap. Creeeeeeak. Bright light siphoned from a vertical slit into the dungeon, not into Nathan nor Natalie's own cell, but the immense level of dust in the air made the beam quite well announced. The slit widened into a rectangle as a sillhouette of armor was enamored in the very light penetrating the room. It was an orange light, one of the sunset to those who know of such things. Many of the prisoners sullenly gazed in the direction of The Door, all curious. The Door was opened all the time, of course, but never with the sounds of conflict on the other side. Natalie woke up completely and most of her skepticism was erased. Nathan squinted his eyes as he had a smile, an oddly feral one. There was this urge within to bolt out that door and greet the world with... with violence. Action, movement, competition, all these things flooded into his mind in a torrent almost overwhelming. He welcomed it, he feared it, he wondered where the hell it came from. The dungeon was silent as the now louder, clearer conflict outside could be heard. This wasn't just a battle, it was an invasion if their ears were to be believed. All eyes that could see were sending their bewildered gazes to the light, to the enigma of a person who opened the door at a time that just didn't seem right. "By the heavens it smells rank in here! Must dungeons really be so unlivable?" A disgruntled sight left an unseen mouth from behind a helmet which completely hid a face. She paused, seeing all the eyes on her, it was more than a bit creepy even if she expected it. "What're you all looking at?" She said with a snap as she began down the hall, looking in cells on either side. Whenever she faced one the poor fellows inside had a look of such hope, such endearment at the thought of having a chance at life again. It sickened her to see these faces, the fact that they were so pathetic, so... necessary. Alas, her query was not with them, not in any of the cells until she took a gaze into Nathan's. "Hmmm." She pondered to herself aloud. "Black hair, red eyes, looks to be a young man and woman despite being here for fifty years. Guess these are the ones boss wants." What was so special about their hair and eyes? Nathan didn't get it as he glanced at Natalie to looked right back at him, both clueless. "Alright, stop looking dumbfounded and just follow me out of here." Another key fiddled with the lock which bound the bars together. Nathan's mind raced laps through his brain as this assumed savior was working on the lock. He was in here fifty years? Who's this boss? Who's this person right in front of me? His hair and eyes were something to take note of? Ahh screw it, if he had time to ask later he would, this was a one time opportunity right here. The lock was solved, the metal ribbed door frame opened loudly. Nathan was still, his previous confidence falling into doubt, as if this might be a dream of some sort. He looked back at his 'sister', at the hidden face of the armored woman, and across the cell at the prisoners who'd not found such a glorious moment in their lives. He stood up, stood up to test the waters, there was no reason to hold back even if it was all a figment of the mind. He stumbled a bit as he approached the open hallway. Step, step, step, and there he was. A spot he could see whenever he wanted to, a space mere feet from where he had 'lived' for half a century, a location that meant so many things to him right then that he couldn't sort them out. He looked back at Natalie. "I can't.. get up, I'm too weak." She said in her quiet voice. After having been silent through all of that Nathan wasn't sure what might be going on in her mind, but he caught the sight of tears from her eyes, tears of frustration that she couldn't even stand on her own two feet. "I understand, take my hand." The savior went inside and lent her hand, Natalie taking the gauntleted appendage with sincerity, sincerity until she found herself hoisted over the knight's shoulder like a stack of wheat, that was. "Hey, treat her carefully!" Nathan interjected. She meant a lot to him, he knew that well, and wanted to make sure she could make it out. Wait a second, why could he stand and walk just fine after being in the same condition she was? He thought, and began to slowly remember, remember something which he had been sure he was using even just today in that cell. If he willed it he could make his body stronger, harder, and more rigid than it would be otherwise. Wasn't that normal? Why was Natalie having such a problem? Maybe it wasn't the normal ability he thought it was, maybe it's part of the reason he's felt like the target he is. His slowly awakening brain after years of rest then came to the conclusion that they were being freed for a reason beyond just their own sakes. Or, or was he over thinking this? He didn't want to think it was for such a reason, this was his freedom at stake was it not? The knight made a motion to move and the three began to leave the dungeon on four feet. Not five feet through and Natalie's voice projected from it's place at the savior's back. "The others," the quiet interjection was a cause for pause, but all present. "Please let them all out as well." A request, a request to let the others so bereft of hope at the moment into the same unimaginable freedom. The knight sighed, "Can do, but not until after the battle outside is finished." Inwardly she was happy that at least one of the two people she was assigned to fetch had a sense of humanity. "For now just listen to me and do as I say, for everyone's safety." The march of slowed time went by as the reality of the situation crept into the mines of both the freed individuals. Silence, even Nathan knew now was a time to soak things in, not defy them, though inside he wanted to, to a degree. Stairs, it took him a few seconds to remember they were meant to be climbed one step at a time as he follow the two in front of him. Up up and up, the eternity that was twelve stairs ended in time, as The Door opened in front of his presence for the last time. It opened into a sight of destruction, blood, bodies, and mayhem. The knight and Nathan looked out at the sight, one so used to it it felt almost at home, the other so affected that he felt a twinge of his life before the imprisonment flood his mind as it was flooded so many times before in the last three minutes. Natalie was stuck seeing not much of anything. "What's going on? I wish to see!" The knight took the girl off her shoulder and slowly sat her down on the ground next to her. "Nathan Ryza, Natalie Ryza, welcome to your 'freedom'." |
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| +Hollie | Mar 2 2008, 08:32 AM Post #2 |
Resident Brit
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Wow, that's pretty good. A few minor stuffs that bothered me, but nothing that I can be bothered to point out right now. |
Known as Haar on Brand of Flame. Bitch.  Formerly Margaret Thatcher, Aleksandr | |
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| Psiwri | Mar 2 2008, 10:51 AM Post #3 |
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Too Many Words
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Well I already know some of my word choices and sentence structures are a bit odd.
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Please support my efforts in creating writing~ | |
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| Feez | Mar 2 2008, 04:24 PM Post #4 |
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Ebullient Future
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Pretty interesting.  Though I have the say the first block was my favorite. I was beginning to hope it would be a completely dialog-free fic.  Oh well, still worthy of reading. |
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| Ryotaro Dojima | Mar 2 2008, 05:23 PM Post #5 |
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I like it, a nice little hook there to get people to keep reading. good luck on the update. |
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| Tiaro | Mar 2 2008, 05:44 PM Post #6 |
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Suits you quite nicely, though. ;o |
Brawl code: 1118-0273-4847
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| Psiwri | Mar 2 2008, 05:50 PM Post #7 |
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Too Many Words
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Indeed. |
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Please support my efforts in creating writing~ | |
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| Dragon_Sniper | Mar 2 2008, 06:38 PM Post #8 |
mmmmmmmatt cassel
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I like it so far. Keep it up, Pie~ |
 They like me! They really like me! (And Hakado! :D) | |
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| Rin | Mar 3 2008, 01:05 AM Post #9 |
TOTALLY A MAN
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If this was originally what I think it is, then I can definitely see a major improvement in writing. You've got a more elegant style in this though it can be a bit chunky. Watch your dialog. You tend to end it then begin a new sentence to describe the action. Should be: "Rin is amazing," he said. not: "Pie is writing a fic like this." She described. Otherwise, awesome! Now I'm gonna write a new chapter to force you to write again, lawl. |
 Av and Sig were definitely not made by Pendant or fez. | |
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| Soja | Mar 3 2008, 03:20 AM Post #10 |
Gentle Water, Crashing Waves
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Besides substituting words with those that sounded right but had the wrong meaning, and a few juxtapositions with words that sounded similar, it's pretty good. Nice pacing. Interesting characters, even for this little bit. Also, see Rin's advice above this post. Otherwise, I approve. |
Fusion Universe - FEF Fanfic Slayers Forth - Slayers Fanfic Smartest Member '06 & '07 & '08 & 'o9, Favored Debater '07 & '08 & '09, Most Popular '08, Manliest '08 & '09, Author of Nightmares, Scourge of the Luxon, Rules Lawyer, Nick's Former Hero, Crysta's Lover | |
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| Psiwri | Mar 3 2008, 06:27 AM Post #11 |
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Too Many Words
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<< >> That's what editors are for. <3 @ Rin: Of course it's an improvement, as I stressed to you multiple times, that first one was all written during writingraces, where you just type as much as you can in 10 minutes. 
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Please support my efforts in creating writing~ | |
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| Psiwri | Mar 6 2008, 04:19 AM Post #12 |
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Too Many Words
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Arc 1: Scatter Chapter 1: Exposure Part 2: Information Abounds Tralstine, Seral. 7:28 PM August 17th, 848 The Battlefield "Such pain." Natalie said quietly, a sunken look on her face, seeing out into the scape before them. There was a lot to be seen. Buildings alight on fire, buildings half gone, debris scattered around their foundations. People destroying each other's lives as they gasp for breath and scream in agony in reaction to what they do each other. Though Natalie and Nathan were not aware of it, the battle was waning, leaving those still fighting few in number, making each fight, each kill, all the more personal. This didn't seem right, Nathan knew that long ago freedom was something he coveted, longed for, something good, something to strive for, this scene was not freedom, yet it was. He could move on his own accord, he could go where he wanted. He could, but he could tell he was on the strings of some unknown puppet master. He, and his sister (which he was now fully sure of after having heard their last name, what was it, Ryza?, from the armored woman) were free, but without direction, without knowledge, without any resources at all. In reality the only option they had was to follow this woman that allowed them to escape. Her word of freedom was a lie, he was sure of it. The scene before him was destruction, and in his mind he tried to reconstruct what this town might have looked like. He too in the sights, letting his mind fill in the blanks as he scanned. From what remains were intact it was apparent that the buildings of this place were white in color, with clay roofs red in color like the rust of an old weapon. The streets were narrow, paved with stones of gray. A single canal trickled bloodied water towards a river in the far distance. The place felt weakly familiar to him as he took it in. He was beset with curiosity now, and though he felt it was an odd question to ask first of all the ones flowing through his mind... "Where are we?" He inquired to the only source of information he had. No more than a moment later he added, "and who are you?" Amidst the sounds of violence still echoing in the ruined streets, the woman removed her helmet as a sign of sincerity, a sign of trust. Beneath was the face of a woman not young, but not old. Short auburn hair barely moved at all from the movement, clearly intended for fighting like her equipment portrayed well enough. "To answer your questions backwards, I am Amalia Bellum, a general of Ekenmire's army. As for our location, we are in Tralstine, of the country Seral, currently at war with my Ekenmire." Her answer was short and precise, not offering additional information beyond the direct, full answers asked of her. It was part of her professionalism and tact. Those two still needed to be brought to her Commander on their own free will. They themselves might not know it yet, but she would not be able to take them over by force, he had been sure to let her know of this. She stood there, looking down at Nathan in the eye, knowing that two questions could not possibly be all someone of his situation wanted to ask. During that short moment of wait, she reveled again at how incredibly young these two looked for their age. What had the Commander said, eighty six? They looked but sixteen at the most, fourteen to be more precise. She was told why this was too, but it was still hard to believe with the evidence right before her. Nathan spent a moment to process the information, Tralstine, Seral, Ekenmire... once again things that felt familiar, but he could not come up with specifics. Amalia said they were in that dungeon for fifty years? It must be an incredibly amount of time to affect his memory so. Oh yes, yes. He thought to himself, shaking his head back and forth quickly trying to bring back his easily lost concentration. What else did he want to know? There was the matter of why they were freed, who wanted them freed, why there was a war going on... and a more minor curiosity as to why he seemed to be able to stand just fine while Natalie couldn't even get on her own two feet. They had suffered the same conditions, what could be the source of this difference? In the end his least imperative question came out of his mouth first. "Do you know the reason why I can stand and move while Natalie is bound to the ground she sits on?" Hearing her name, Natalie tilted her head upwards at Amalia, intent on seeing her answer rather than just hear it like the previous questions. Amalia didn't answer right away, she looked around at the surroundings, seeing how the waning battle continued to progress, and what their current situation would be if they lingered around much longer. "We can't afford to sit here much longer but I will try and answer your question before we move on." The general dropped her thick war axe to the ground along with the equally thick shield of her other arm, taking up a more relaxed stance, though she still refrained from sitting. "In short, it is because while you have a strong grasp of the Reinforcement Ether Manipulation school, Natalie has none." Alright, that was just gibberish to him. Nathan could see why she made herself more comfortable. "Excuse me?" "Reinforcement Ether Manipulation, or REM. It is the only Ether Manipulation that works internally with the user, by strengthening the muscles and hardening the skin in most applications. I'm sure you've felt this yourself if you can move around in what is clearly a weak body." The comment was pointed to the fact that both of them were unhealthily skinny, bones being visible where they shouldn't be, ribs so obvious they could jump out and nip you in the face. Their less than modest rags for clothes didn't do much to hide this. She listened for any interjections, none came, which was nice. "I too have a fair amount of skill in REM, though as I am informed, far less than you do. Your use of Ether in your weak muscles is why you can perform as though you were in good health. Likewise, it is why I can move as I do despite the heavy equipment." She motioned at the axe, the shield, and the far from light looking full suit of grey-blue armor all over her body. There was a particularly thick sheet of metal on the right forearm that held the axe, which as Nathan looked at it, had a long handle and a two sided head, something that seemed worthy of both arms to be used well. "Consider yourself gifted, Nathan, I know you're using REM but I can not sense it, proving it's power is beyond mine." Again, she knew more than she was saying, but it was all a precaution. Avoiding to mention Natalie's equally strong but different Ether Manipulation, among other things. Nathan took it in, feeling a bit awed, but knowing it to be true. His earlier thoughts were only partly correct. Not everyone could do what he could, but he was not alone in it, either. His blanked mind lead him to gaze at his sister, who matched the gaze with a faint smile. She seemed to be taking all of this in rather amiably compared to himself, maybe she was took weak to react more strongly, it was something that bothered him. A man in armor not much less in volume than Alacia's approached the aforementioned with a look of intent. "General Bellum, a clean up squad from Seral is moving into the area, we need to move back to base." She nodded, acknowledging the information as she placed the helmet back on, took up the shield and the axe once more. "I'd love to chat some more but as you heard we can't stay here any longer, please take care of your sister this time, I can't have myself limited should a fight come up." The familiar metallic voice rang from the helmet that was still such a powerful sound to Nathan's ears. They began to walk briskly in the direction right of the orange sun sinking into the horizon. If Nathan remembered correctly, that meant they were walking northwards. Natalie riding on his back, his arms providing a spot for her legs to support on, her arms crossed in front over his chest, weakly holding on. This feeling was so warm to him, so familiar yet distant. Whatever it was, he knew that he wanted to protect her. The crew moved on, weaving around piles of debris, through streets or over leveled homes. In total they were eight, Amalia, Nathan, Natalie, and five other soldiers presumably under Amalia's direct command. They would come across stray near-corpses of those mortally wounded but not yet dead. The five soldiers with them went a a little out of they way of their path to deliver mercy killings as they passed. Eventually the group took to traveling through a thin alleyway between two taller, intact buildings. None of them managed to notice the long shadows projecting off the roof of both. |
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| +Hollie | Mar 6 2008, 05:33 PM Post #13 |
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Resident Brit
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DUN DUN DUN. Pretty good, but at some points I wanted to say 'MOVE ON ALREADY'. That's just me though. I tend to get impatient when I read a lot of description. Also, my first thoughts after reading the second paragraph were: "THE CAKE IS A LIE!" |
Known as Haar on Brand of Flame. Bitch. Formerly Margaret Thatcher, Aleksandr | |
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| Psiwri | Mar 6 2008, 09:16 PM Post #14 |
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Too Many Words
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wtf Hollie, dislike of description? GTFO
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| Ryotaro Dojima | Mar 6 2008, 09:55 PM Post #15 |
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Pretty good. I like the descriptions. |
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