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| Ryzing Down; Original Fiction | |
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| Topic Started: Mar 2 2008, 04:10 AM (1,154 Views) | |
| Rin | Mar 7 2008, 12:41 AM Post #16 |
TOTALLY A MAN
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Uh alright. I agree with Rock in that your descriptive style is getting better. Problem is, possibly too good. As Hollie said it took up a lot of time. I understand the need to portray as much detail as one can into a story because we really want the readers to know exactly how vibrant and awesome our visions are, but you have to mindful of their attention span too. Good writers find an equilibrium and make awesome stories that make description move fast enough that it seems as though it's not there at all. Don't know if you'll take that into account considering my latest work is really informal comparatively XD Otherwise, this is really unfolding. Also the first thing I thought at the end was that Nathan was incestuous =[ |
 Av and Sig were definitely not made by Pendant or fez. | |
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| Soja | Mar 7 2008, 08:46 AM Post #17 |
Gentle Water, Crashing Waves
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I've seen Natalie's inspiration. I said, "I'd tap that." Also, since Pie was writing this at the same time as we were conversing, I may have influenced that. *Bowser laugh* Psio, you have good work here. As far as description, I say keep it up. Unlike SOME people here, I like to know if the grass is green and fresh, brown and dead, or stained red as the bloody earth. (No offense at all, Rin, I was just being a prick.) But Rin does have a point. Normally, authors write however they feel and the audience that likes it will become a fanbase. On the other hand, when you write for an audience and you know their tastes, you should probably be conservative in description. I already told you all this in IM, so eh. Good chapter. Write moar plx. |
Fusion Universe - FEF Fanfic Slayers Forth - Slayers Fanfic Smartest Member '06 & '07 & '08 & 'o9, Favored Debater '07 & '08 & '09, Most Popular '08, Manliest '08 & '09, Author of Nightmares, Scourge of the Luxon, Rules Lawyer, Nick's Former Hero, Crysta's Lover | |
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| Psiwri | Mar 7 2008, 04:53 PM Post #18 |
Too Many Words
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Arc 1: Scatter Chapter 1: Exposure Part 3: Separated! Tralstine, Seral. 7:35 PM August 17th, 848 The Battlefield "Target is in position, commencing the plan." A calm collected voice reported to his superior next to him, a lanky older man with a very skull-shaped face and balding hair. His mouth was in a permanent frown of distaste as he responded with a simple "Good." Those two interesting objects would be his to capture, and to come to understand. Those Ekenmiran dogs didn't know it but he saw the little jail break, and the fact that one of their top generals was personally there meant without a doubt that the two they freed were hot items. He didn't care why they were, though he assumed power was the issue at hand, possibly information, but from what he observed the ones being informed were the prisoners themselves. No, no, definitely for power, and he wanted to test just what that power was. What he couldn't understand was the girl, who was being toted around like a bag of luggage on the boy's back, hardly an indication of power. Then again, the two seemed to share similar physical traits, perhaps an emotional attachment? It was a very interesting situation indeed. The man pondered it with an audible 'hmmmm'. "Uh, Captain Kuddly? Can you hear me?" A meek question from the same soldier that had reported that they were commencing the plan. "Hmm, what? Oh yes of course I am here you imbecile, what is it?" "I asked if you could hear..." The disgusted private mumbled inaudibly. "The ambush has started, you wanted to watch it yourself didn't you?" "Ah yes, of course." ---------------- "Halt." Alacia said suddenly as sounds seeped from around a corner. Footsteps could be heard much like the ones they were making themselves. "Weapons out, prepare to engage." She ordered again professionally, following her own order. Soon after a group of enemy soldiers appeared around the corner of the building ahead, filling in the far end of the alleyway. Turning her head around behind her, the general spoke to her cargo of sorts. "You two stay back, it will do us no good if you get injured here." The Ekenmire general and the small escort of men proceeded ahead to fight off, or better put, kill, the obstacle. Bellum had a nagging thought that it seemed a foolish move on their part. The two groups stood, facing each other, each a wall of flesh and metal. Looking back once more to make sure Nathan and Natalie were sticking back, Alacia then made the first move, lumbering forward to smash her weapon into one of the enemy soldiers, of which there seemed to be eight. Her target backed off as the two next to him made flanking attacks, forcing her to back off as well. After that the two walls slid into each other with a maelstrom of sounds as the Ekenmirans attempted to cut down the Seralians, who seemed to be concentrating on keeping themselves alive. Seeing the fighting, the violence, the struggle to kill made Nathan feel energized, he wanted in there, he wanted to feel his body connect with others with the intent to hurt. Much longer and he wondered if he could continue to follow his order to stay put. --------------- "That's the signal." A soldier on the roof of one of the buildings saw an orange flag being waved to the south. "Push the debris over." The order was relayed, as another five men struggled to lift and lob scraps of buildings from the earlier fighting into the alleyway below. --------------- The loud sounds of cracking, clanging, and crumbling rang in Nathan's ears as, only a couple yards before him, the roof of the world seemed as though it was crashing down, Bellum and her group on the other side of it. "Are you well?" He heard her voice yell from the other side. "We are, what the hell happened?" He asked back, looking above him where the material fell from, seeing figures on each roof. "It's a trap, find a way to meet back up with us ahead, stay out of sight!" At those words Nathan followed her orders, as well as made a decision of his own. He wasn't going to meet up with them again. His feeling that they had intention to use him and his sister, for whatever reason it might be, was too strong to trust them with such an opportunity of escape. His sister firmly held, he turned around and practically ran the other direction. Through the alleyway, a few more steps out, and- "Stay where you are!" Another order from another source was directed at Nathan. They were tiring, at what point would he actually be able to just do as he pleased, and leave with Natalie so they could try and live life again? The runaway's eyes searched for the voice, as a balding man in dusty green and brown robes descended over a small hill before him. This man had a face that instilled attention with it's deep frown and angular features. "I do not know who, or perhaps what, you are, but I am Captain Kuddly of the Seralian special forces division. Welcome to my arena, would you have the pleasure of facing me?" A test by force, if his red eyed youth the Ekenmirans were after was for power, this was the best way to find out. "By the way, no isn't an option." He added with the smallest of smiles as seven armed men surrounded the two, forming a circular open space where he, Kuddly, and Natalie were. "Fine." Nathan said with anger, everything was getting in his way. "But," he added, "Leave Natalie out of it." "The one you carry? By all means, she can rot somewhere for all I care." He provoked Nathan on purpose, hoping to ensure a good test. Few people had been able to stand up against his rare Dissolve style of Ether Manipulation, he doubted even this special case would be much different. |
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| Rin | Mar 7 2008, 06:45 PM Post #19 |
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TOTALLY A MAN
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Wow, ok, that chapter was a little more dialog intensive  Captain Kuddly's cool XD Soja, I didn't mean to say I don't like knowing those details. I love knowing what the author wants to see, but I still think it's important for a reader to put their own twist to a story so they can connect with it more at least. Also if such details were put into a single block of text, then it's tough to read. Rather than giving a full description in one paragraph, gradually paint a picture as the story unfolds. If...that made any sense. |
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Av and Sig were definitely not made by Pendant or fez. | |
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| +Hollie | Mar 7 2008, 06:51 PM Post #20 |
Resident Brit
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. . . Does Nathan even have a weapon?  Just wondering.Yeah, this chapter seemed better. I was skipping sentences of description to get to the good bits. Although I quite liked Alacia. I hope she comes back in again sometime. D; |
Known as Haar on Brand of Flame. Bitch.  Formerly Margaret Thatcher, Aleksandr | |
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| Psiwri | Mar 7 2008, 07:05 PM Post #21 |
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Too Many Words
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Nathan is unarmed, yes. So is Kuddly though, he's just got some robes.  (oh shi- mage battle!)Also yes, Alacia's not out for the count. |
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| Psiwri | Mar 8 2008, 02:21 AM Post #22 |
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Too Many Words
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Arc 1: Scatter Chapter 1: Exposure Part 4: Reversion Tralstine, Seral. 7:48 PM August 17th, 848 The Battlefield Sharpened metal tore through the thick armor and cut into the flesh of a now dying man as the heavy axe was violently removed from it's new socket. Amalia's breath was labored as she was tiring, these Seralians just would not die. They were using all sorts of defensive tricks to keep her and her squad trapped in the alleyway. Only two were down so far, and both sides were starting to tire. ------------ The comment did indeed aggravate Nathan, but he gritted his teeth and accepted it for the time being. He walked to an area between the soldiers surrounding them and was blocked by a heavy lance. "I need a safe place for my sister." His voice eerily calm. "Let him through," Kuddly commanded. The soldier let off as Nathan silently moved through and found an open patch of grass. He knelt down to ease his sister onto the ground. He was really going to do it, he was going to accept a challenge by someone he knew nearly nothing about it, while not knowing much more about himself. Then again, was there any other real option? It was either fight and win, fight and lose, get captured, or try and struggle against all eight of them. The real reason he accepted was that he felt the need to, which perplexed him to no small degree. Natalie comfortably sat, Nathan stood up again, looking into her eyes, sad eyes with worry. "Don't do it, don't fight Nathan." She said, tears starting to well, why did he put himself in that kind of danger? For Nathan, time slowed, then her words slowly dripped into his mind. 'Don't do it,' 'don't do it.' He heard this short, simple phrase echo as the mist of the past rolled through his mind's eye. In the open world, he stood there, stiff, rigid with tension, eyes open but looking at nothing. This blank stare was due to his mind visiting his past, the past he just now recalled. -------------- "Don't do it! Stop! Stop!" A healthy looking Natalie cried to her brother. Nathan heard the words, but they held no meaning to him. He could not comprehend them. All he saw was the blood on the ground, the bodies near him, the red liquid dripping off his hands. His pulse was filling up his ears, hearing his excited heart surge blood through is body as his adrenaline was at an all time high. He killed them all this time, not just the threat, they were all dead, they were all weak. The two were threatened to leave, attacked by aggressive people who had wanted to claim a reward or some such. He wouldn't allow it, him and Natalie, they were to be free to do as they wished! So naturally, he killed them, he grabbed them with his hands and squeezed the life out of their necks, if that wasn't an option he pummeled them until they no longer moved. He was strong, they were not, his victory. Oh they screamed, they cried for help, but such annoyances were cut off at the source in seconds. He had never done this before, why, what caused this rage to consume him? What's more, he welcomed it, it felt so good to unleash himself from constraint. The freedom to kill was invigorating, he felt this now, knew it to be true. All this glory and yet the entire time, "Stop, stop it!" the voice of his dear sister rang through his throbbing ears. He turned around to find the source, to see Natalie, but his sight was a blurry haze of red. Blood that wasn't his flowing over his pupils. He lurched forward, towards the sound of sorrow and sadness, towards his crying sister. The throbbing lessened, the minor pain in his hands from multiple attempts to claw at them, to stab them, returned to his senses. He tried to clean out his eyes and saw a figure looming over her, a sword against her exhausted throat, ready to kill. How had someone gotten to her? She could take care of herself. Oh, no, was she crying so much she forgot her surroundings? "You better back off!" He raged at the quivering but steadfast man with the sword. "N-no, you should back off, monster! Or I'll kill her, you heard me? KILL HER!" "I.." He looked again at Natalie. What the hell was he doing? He wasn't helping anything, he was just ruining things! The berserker closed his eyes hard as he collapsed to the ground, sobbing himself, defeated in so many ways. --------------- It was after that he found himself in that cell in Tralstine, the nearest city to where his breakout occurred. Why couldn't they just be left alone?! His mind suddenly returned to reality as a new, harder, more confident face looked as his sister. "I have to, don't you see? We can't get out of this any other way. I'm strong, I can take them, you'll see it! We'll escape still!" Nathan was a changed man, or was he a reverted man? Honestly, it mattered not. All that did for now was that he kill these trouts and be on with things. He approached one of the soldiers, walked right up him with full confidence. The man looked back with stoic surprise as the movement. "What are yo-guh!" A lightning fast movement by Nathan's right arm and his hand was around the neck of the soldier. "What are you doing? Let's go of my soldier, this was a fight between the two of us!" Kuddly yelled at him, most displeased at the sudden turn of events. The words were to no avail as Nathan's grip tightened. First the windpipe collapsed, then the thumb dug into the skin and pierced the skin, finally the major blood vessels within were broken through and blood flowed freely down the torso of the dead man. "I will... teach all of you... not to get in our way!" The Nathan of the past was in full bloom as he ran at the next closest soldier. "Aarrrgh!" A frustrated Kuddly rubbed his head violently with his right hand. He saw the brute's strength and all of a sudden wasn't so keen on his plan. "Go for the girl, use her as a bargaining chip!" In response the soldiers still able did as they were told, fear for their lives creeping into their minds. |
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| Soja | Mar 8 2008, 03:26 AM Post #23 |
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Gentle Water, Crashing Waves
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I find it quite brutal in its irony how Kuddly's men (lol Kuddly) are being commanded to use Natalie in the same way that the man in the flashback used her to defeat Nathan. Asides from the minor grammatical problems I relayed to you on AIM, you managed to instill this chapter with a sense of palpitating desperation. I liked it, for its dramatic value certainly, and I do enjoy seeing characters develop. Pity I have to wait until work tomorrow or Sunday to read the next update. |
Fusion Universe - FEF Fanfic Slayers Forth - Slayers Fanfic Smartest Member '06 & '07 & '08 & 'o9, Favored Debater '07 & '08 & '09, Most Popular '08, Manliest '08 & '09, Author of Nightmares, Scourge of the Luxon, Rules Lawyer, Nick's Former Hero, Crysta's Lover | |
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| Rin | Mar 8 2008, 05:47 AM Post #24 |
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TOTALLY A MAN
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I agree with the grammatical error issue. But yeah, I'll always wonder how you manage to make urgency so...simple. Takes me hours to write something I think is decent, and even then I'm like x_x Goin' good. You'd better not give up for too long after you finish this chapter. |
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Av and Sig were definitely not made by Pendant or fez. | |
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| +Hollie | Mar 8 2008, 09:44 AM Post #25 |
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Resident Brit
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I liked this chapter, too, although the flashback felt a little rushed. Meh. I'm being really picky. >.< |
Known as Haar on Brand of Flame. Bitch. Formerly Margaret Thatcher, Aleksandr | |
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| Psiwri | Mar 8 2008, 10:24 AM Post #26 |
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Too Many Words
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Well the flashback thing was supposed to be sudden and quick, but that could still be rushed I supposed
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| Psiwri | Mar 10 2008, 04:37 AM Post #27 |
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Too Many Words
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Arc 1: Scatter Chapter 1: Exposure Part 5: Barriers and Barriers Tralstine, Seral. 7:50 PM August 17th, 848 The Battlefield Bodies were shuffling everywhere as the unexpected change in Nathan's behavior stirred things up. As per their ruthless captain's orders, the six soldiers still alive made a move for the yet sobbing Natalie, who was slowly experiencing a memory relapse of her own after seeing Nathan's change. The less than pleasant male Ryza ran at a surprising speed to intercept one of them as he threw a punch into the man's side, knocking him over in the process as the victim began to cough violently. The five others, however, had swiftly closed in on the girl, the first one there walked forward slowly to apprehend her and put her into a compromising position. Step by step he got closer as a distant Nathan just stood and watched at that point. He knew they wouldn't get anywhere. ------------ "Augh." The last Seralian distraction fell to the ground, groaning in pain as his innards failed to stay inside what with the large gash that opened up his lower torso. Labored breathing exited Amalia's respiratory system as she leaned against her axe for a rest. Those bastards were tenacious and held on far too long for her needs. In the end only her and one of her men was still alive, those were no regular grunts they had been against. The distraction was gone, the Ekenmiran General called out over the rubble that had walled them off earlier, "Nathan, Natalie, you two okay?" The wrods hung in the air without a reply. "Hey! Answer!" Another, angriest request of response met the same fate. Audible sounds of frustration could be heard inside her helmet. "The sun's almost down, it'll be getting too dark. Tomorrow, provided we can fully capture this city, we will search for them, but until then we're going back to the main camp. I have a botched mission to report." She solemnly placed the weapon in the harness on her back as the two still alive headed back. ------------- Nathan stole a glance as Kuddly as the event before them both was about to unfold, one the unwitting schemer, the other knowing the outcome before it even happened. The first soldier to the scene walked towards Natalie, his no doubt imposing appearance as it came to loom over the small, weak human posing a huge threat to her mentally. "No! Stop!" she wailed. At the same time he who approached approached no more as he almost comically reeled back as if he had walked into a wall. "What the..." He mused, "It felt like I just walked into a wall." He stated in confusion to his team mates. "Stop fooling around, this is a serious matter, here let me get her if you're too scared." The assertive responder went towards her from a different side and he too suddenly stopped as his head bounced back. Kuddly could barely sense what it was, enough to know what the situation was. "Damn." He said quietly to himself, this was certainly not accounted for in his plans. Well, yeah, neither was this Nathan fellow suddenly killing one and injuring another of his soldiers like that, but regardless. "She's a BEM!" He spoke loudly at them. "A strong one too, I can barely sense the walls she's put up around herself. You have new orders, neutralize the REM." Just perfect, so they were both part of the power bid, not just one. Kuddly found it odd, though, that one seemed quite capable of using high level REM, a very standard type of EM, while the girl seemed to have... he appraised what he could of her to try and feel any REM in her at all, nothing. Indeed, the girl seemed incapable of REM, or was not using any, which was senseless. No point in making yourself immobile by not utilizing REM to make up for lost muscle mass. Truly an odd situation he put himself in, and grim at that. His normal frown got a little deeper than usual. Maybe, just maybe, he had finally made a fatal flaw in one of his field tests. ---- Confidence was the feeling that Nathan's face expressed as the impudent soldiers walked themselves into the invisible walls they couldn't even sense. In all of his newfound memories he could not recall anyone to have ever managed to get past one of Natalie's barriers unless she had a lapse in attention or they nearly killed themselves in the effort. Of course, now they had their sights set back on him thankfully. After fifty years of being in that filthy cage he needed a good way to get a feel for his own abilities again. "You idiots have problems with a couple perfectly noticeable walls?" He taunted at their inferior Ether control. "Damn kid." The one soldier that had been intercepted finally recovered enough to get back on his feet. "We'll wipe that smirk off your face when you find yourself painting the ground red." He lifted his thick lance as another did the same, while the rest readied various blades for their attack. <--------------------------------------------------------> Well well, once again I made an update that didn't cover as much ground as I originally expected it, but at least I got in an update at this obscenely late time of day. I promise I'll actually get this fight through in the next update, it's about the only thing I have to do next. XD |
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| +Hollie | Mar 10 2008, 11:15 AM Post #28 |
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Resident Brit
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. . . This bit of speech made me go UGH. It just sounds horrible. Otherwise, it was pretty good. I think in some parts you were a little too over-descriptive, but it's not a major deal since it was pretty minor. |
Known as Haar on Brand of Flame. Bitch. Formerly Margaret Thatcher, Aleksandr | |
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| Psiwri | Mar 10 2008, 11:17 AM Post #29 |
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Too Many Words
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I swear this is LIGHT WEIGHT description, compared to books I read at least, this is nothing. >( Fix that part of speech plz. |
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| +Hollie | Mar 10 2008, 11:24 AM Post #30 |
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Resident Brit
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Um.
T'wasn't so much what the speech contained, more how it was delievered. And by too over-descriptive, I meant stuff like this:
Maybe over-descriptive isn't the right word. Pretentious was what I was looking for. ((Btw, isn't her name Alacia?)) |
Known as Haar on Brand of Flame. Bitch. Formerly Margaret Thatcher, Aleksandr | |
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1:56 PM Nov 8
