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| Ryzing Down; Original Fiction | |
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| Topic Started: Mar 2 2008, 04:10 AM (1,169 Views) | |
| Psiwri | Mar 10 2008, 11:28 AM Post #31 |
Too Many Words
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Oh snap name mix up arghzes. What I get for writing that when I was lacking sleep. yes yes I know what you mean now my word choice is a bit odd, i can attest to that I just have like, this habit of trying to say things in new ways every time they come up, which can get a little weird like with that one. |
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| Rin | Mar 11 2008, 02:26 AM Post #32 |
TOTALLY A MAN
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As I said on msn, too much fighting. This is still the first chapter, yes? Ugh...I dunno, too much so early on. Yes, yes I know, just....yeah. Y'know what, just disregard that. Otherwise, not too bad. |
 Av and Sig were definitely not made by Pendant or fez. | |
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| Psiwri | Apr 17 2008, 01:04 AM Post #33 |
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Too Many Words
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Arc 1: Scatter Chapter 1: Exposure Part 6: The End of a Day Tralstine, Seral. 7:53 PM August 17th, 848 The Battlefield There Nathan stood, surrounded by armed men that were annoyed at him as much as he was annoyed at them. Looking around, he wanted to handle them as quickly as possible, and to do that he needed to keep them from teaming up on him. Easy enough. He turned his head back to look at the BEM user. "Natalie, you will help." His words were a command, not a request. She recalled their past as well as he did considering he saw her turn into a crybaby again. His sister was his solution to his problem. Eyes fixated back on the men before him, Nathan Ryza ran at the one right in front of him. The man backed away, expecting his allies to come in at the sides to make the attack instead. Oh, they made the move for it, but instead merely ran into unseen walls as Nathan's dash landed him a solid punch at the guard that had backed away, breaking his nose and possibly killing him out right from brain damage. "Good." He uttered satisfactorily. The remaining guards hesitated at that point. It was becoming clear that they were up against something they couldn't handle. They started taking small steps back from the two monsters. Kuddly, of course, saw this and would have nothing of it. "If you back away here you will die for sure, if you keep them occupied you might stand a chance!" His commanding words rang over the area. "Just keep him busy long enough for me to dissolve his flesh and we'll be fine." Honestly, he needed their bought time to keep his own hide alive. This boy's REM was almost too strong for him to break away at all. He could feel it, piece by little piece, peeling away at Nathan's nearly metallic skin in it's hardness. It took the senior mage's concentration to make any notable progress at all. Of course, the men themselves didn't like the command at all. "Damnit!" One screamed in frustration at his situation. He had joined to help his country out, not to satisfy some half sane maniac with his own little projects. "Calm down." Another said back, "Keep him busy and we'll be fine." It was a false truth, or at least his opinion didn't reflect his words, but in their stark situation is was the best they could do. Nathan was well aware that the captain of this paltry sum of military men was whittling away at his body with that cowardly dissolve EM. "Hah! Think you can just waltz around that long?" He waves a hand back at Natalie who was watching from her static location. She knew what he meant, and reluctantly planned to comply. Don't kill them. She wished in her mind, or was it her heart? The aggressive Ryza picked out his next target by advancing on him suddenly. The man tried to get out of the way, step, step, stop. "No!" A wall he could not see or sense got in his way, he changed direction, again! Backed from there, a third wall. He was trapped, the only way out was towards Nathan himself. Mentally preparing himself, the corner man took his only option and was ready to charge at death. He tensed up as they got closer, ready, ready, strike! The desperate man's strike his a fourth wall. He was now completely encased in barriers made by the girl. "I-impossible..." Nathan strode the remaining gap over to face the man. "This isn't even a fight, you know." He pulled back a fist, the wall supporting the now tearing grown man disappeared as he fell into the fatal blow, dropping to the ground in a heap of flesh. Nathan let out a sigh of satisfaction as their fate was likely well known to them by now. "Who's next?" "Well, this sucks." A guard who had been watching said. "I should have taken that job as a sludge shoveler." He sounded oddly calm and accepting of the situation. "Shut up Justin." --------- The rest of the guards suffered a similar fate, unable to get around the walls they could only feel too late. Some were dead, someone were close enough to it that Nathan left them alone. There it was, Kuddly, Nathan, and Natalie were the only ones still capable of coherent speech. "I don't suppose you want to run away?" Nathan asked the captain of none. Kuddly chuckled darkly. "No, no I take responsibility for my field tests, though you prove a most hardy subject." In his mind he was racing for strings to grab at to save himself from death. Nathan's reinforce was starting to really give way to the dissolving effects but he needed minutes until things would get safe. "Heh..." Nathan trailed off, his aggression seemed to wear off around this man, perhaps because they shared a few similarities. "Natalie!" He suddenly blurted. "Take a break, I want this to be a one on one." As he looked at her for confirmation, she nodded quietly, and laid down. She was exhausted, this was a mentally and physically tiring day by far compared to blankly existing in the prison cell. Well, that's one piece of luck so far. Kuddly had already repositioned himself for certain purposes and now without the walls to worry about had a chance to do what he was good at, staying out of the way and letting others fight for him. "Well then, have at it REM boy. Just know that the Ekenmire General wants you and won't let you go easily." He personally knew just how useful these two siblings could be and such a fact was obscenely obvious to the old officer. With his signature frown equipped, Kuddly enunciated clearly the signal for his last string. "Bring it." Kuddly had no fighting skills, all he could do was delay and delay and delay waiting for his dissolving ability to wear him down to size. "Oh?" Nathan definitely had some liking for this guy, such an air about him definitely gave him character. No doubt. Their words ceased as Nathan ran at the stationary captain. Nathan didn't care if it ended up being as easy as a single blow or otherwise, using speed and aggression, however predictable, was how he was going to go about this. winding up for a blow, Nathan's attack missed as Kuddly stepped almost casually out of the way, revealing a large, sharp piece of metallic debris just behind him. Nathan's eyes widening as he reacted swiftly, concentrating his reinforcement to his stomach that had just impacted with all his momentum on the point of the metal. The result was him sort of bouncing off to the side of the point after an impact that didn't sound much different from a broom handle hitting an anvil. Still, the impact managed to break his skin and he began to bleed slightly from the shallow wound. This was the very result Kuddly had hope for, that open wound provided a sweet spot for his dissolving EM to get past Nathan's reinforced epidermis. The older man's inner face smiled with success. "So that was it." Nathan declared as he got up off the ground he had fallen onto. He could feel the action already, his innards were starting to get torn apart at the place of the wound. He had no time to waste at all now. He reached down and picked up a large piece of a broken beam of wood and chucked it at Kuddly with his enhanced strength. Now, this particular move was not anticipated by the Captain who just couldn't quite get out of the way as one of the ends of the airborne construct caught him in the shoulder knocking him over and to the ground. By the time he got his head up off the ground Nathan had closed in and grabbed him by the front of his shirt. Their eyes stared at each other, not with hatred, but with a very strange kind of angry respect. "No, not you." Nathan pondered after a few seconds. From there he proceeded to slam Kuddly's head against the ground again, knocking the man quite unconscious for the time being. Nathan got up, feeling the effects of the DEM weakening him down quite a bit even during that short time of the exposed cut. Much longer and he might have actually been in trouble against a mere human, he was most assuredly out of practice. Past corpses, past lives straining to continue, he walked back to Natalie, extending his hand to her as she accepted and he picked her up and placed her on his back like before the business with Kuddly and crew. He walked for a while, reflecting over the day. "Let's find a shelter for the night and I'll find us some food and water in one of the abandoned houses still around." He offered his sister as he searched out a suitable place to hide for the night. Amalia would probably create a search party for the two before the night was done. --------- A large, decorated tent in the middle of a large camp had it's outer flap fall back into place as a figure went inside. Within there were maps strew on a table as well as measuring instruments, pieces like one would find on a chess board placed on one of the maps. A chair and desk in the center back housed a man who looked in the early thirties. His brown hair slicked back on his head giving it a wind swept feel. Fancily designed, but highly effective looking armor clanked as he stood up to salute the almost equally armored arrival. "Reporting the failure to capture the twins. A search party will be sent out as soon as possible, we will use the night between our battles as an opportunity to get them yet." The man, though disappointed, could easily understand such a thing happening given the task he had assigned. That was why he had given it to Amalia after all, she was his best officer. "Understood, I expect results come sunrise." A second salute was offered to the man as the woman made her last response before turning and exiting the tent. "As you wish, Commander Ryza." End Chapter 1 -------------------------------------------------------------- I finally got back to finishing this fucking thing. What I want to do next is go back over what's here and make some editing/fixing/rewording to make it flow better. What I don't want to do is alter the content itself. Anyone willing to do this with me would be greatly appreciated. |
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| Psiwri | Apr 18 2008, 12:32 AM Post #34 |
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Too Many Words
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I DEMAND FEEDBACK 
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| Tiaro | Apr 18 2008, 02:15 AM Post #35 |
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It's not an FEF fic so no one reads it. 
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| Psiwri | Apr 18 2008, 02:16 AM Post #36 |
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Too Many Words
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stfu woman feedback or gtfo |
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| Tiaro | Apr 18 2008, 02:20 AM Post #37 |
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I'll read it all tomorrow and see what I can do for you, sir.
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| +Hollie | Apr 18 2008, 05:45 PM Post #38 |
Resident Brit
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School sucks. This update made my day. Okay, first off, I thought a lot of your wording was pretty modern day. And that just doesn't fit with a fantasy world at a (I presume) medieval/renaissance level of technology, even with magic.
. . . Annoyed? If I thought I was going to die, I wouldn't be annoyed. I'd be terrified. I can see Nathan being annoyed, but not the soldiers.
The beginning of that is really awkward . . . maybe something like: To handle the soldiers as quickly as possible, he knew he would have to stop them from teaming up against him. Easy enough.
At the beginning, I would use "his sister" rather than "BEM user". Natalie seems to be something Nathan actually cares about and referring to her so . . . I can't think of the word. Well, it doesn't seem to fit anyway. "She recalled their past as well as he did considering he saw her turn into a crybaby again." I don't know what you're trying to do with this sentence. It might be better turning it into two or cutting part of it altogether. Either that, or make it a little clearer. It doesn't really make sense to me. Also, "crybaby" seems too modern. Maybe "emotional wreck"? Oh yeah, and I'd say "the solution" rather than "his".
Okay, now that beginning just seems weird. Drop the "oh" altogether. The part after that is also a little . . . I dunno, badly worded: "but instead merely ran into unseen walls" should be something more like "but instead they crashed into unseen walls". That or "they merely". Whatever you prefer. Satisfactorily is a very strange word. I'd be more tempted to go with 'in satisfaction'.
"Monsters"? I don't know, it just seems a weird word to use.
Beginning seems a little awkward again. "The truth was, Kuddly needed the time brought by the soldiers to save his own hide." "Nathan's nearly metallic skin in it's hardness" also sounds weird. Better wording would be "Nathan's skin, which seemed to be nearly metallic in it's hardness."
"Help his country out" sounds a *little* too modern. Maybe 'to defend'? Also, minor grammatical error: there should be a comma following 'calm down'. Or at least I think so.
Oh nononono. Can't have present tense in here.
I think this would flow better if you used a comma after "them" rather than a full stop.
I would suggest a colon or semi-colon to follow 'way'.
It might just be me, but I don't really like random speech thrown into a paragraph. I'd say something more like "The soldier let out a cry of dismay as a wall he could not see or sense got in his way. Changing direction, he encountered a second wall." Also, "He was trapped - the only way out was towards Nathan himself"? A comma just doesn't seem a big enough of a pause there.
Typo: cornered
"They?" I think you mean him. Also, "ready, ready, strike!" tacked onto the sentence like that doesn't really . . . read well. Maybe more like: "Ready . . . strike!"
Typo: hit.
God. Now that's way too modern. I'd go with "This is hopeless." Also, I'm pretty sure you should follow that one with a comma.
JUSTIN? 
I would say "they could only feel when it was too late" sounds better.
"There it was:"
"Beneath the calm exterior, his thoughts were racing as he struggled to grab ideas to save himself from death." "but he needed minutes before he could consider himself safe." (I got bored of explaining. Bite me.)
Two sentences ("Nathan trailed off. His aggression . . .") or use a semi-colon or something. Again, a comma is too short a pause.
"She was exhausted - this was . . ."
Isn't that saying the same thing twice?
"Kuddly had no fighting skills: all he could do was delay and hope his dissolving ability would bring his opponent down to size."
Definitely twice and then 'no doubt' is most certainly too much absoluteness.
Capital w.
Widened. "to his stomach, as he impacted . . ."
Hoped.
I would drop the "now" and "particular". Also, this is a pretty long sentence to not have a pause in. "This move was not anticipated by the Captain, who couldn't get quite get out of the way as one of the ends of the airborne construct caught him in the shoulder, knocking him over and to the ground."
What else would they stare at each other with? Their ears? (Redundancy).
Comma after you~ Also, pondered doesn't seem the right word as that sounds more like a decsion. "Decided"?
Could be better worded. "knocking the man unconscious for several hours"?
Now, after rereading this, I assume the DEM has weakened him some? If so, you might want to reword it into something like "Nathan got up, feeling the effect of the DEM. It had weakened him significantly even in such a short amount of time."
"Much longer, and he might have actually been in trouble against a mere human - he was most assuredly out of practise."
Again, comma after speech. Also, I would say something like 'suggested' rather than 'offered'. It just seems to fit better.
Large is used twice (the horror). "The outer flap of a large, grandly decorated tent in the middle of a huge camp fell back into place as a figure stepped inside"?
Center back? Also, I assume you mean to say "a man who looked to be in his early thirties" or "the early thirties of his life". Or something.
"His brown hair was slicked back on his head, giving it a wind-swept appearence"?
"Yet" doesn't sound right, really . . . "back" would be more appriopriate. Maybe you meant to say something like "We will succeed yet"?
"to Alacia after all; she was . . ." In some cases there wasn't really anything wrong, per se, with what you wrote, I just suggested something that sounded better (imo). Overall, I liked this chapter a lot (that's chapter not installment). YAY PLOT TWIST AT THE END . . . SORTA. |
Known as Haar on Brand of Flame. Bitch.  Formerly Margaret Thatcher, Aleksandr | |
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| Psiwri | Apr 18 2008, 09:01 PM Post #39 |
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Too Many Words
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Holy grammacy, batman! Now of this could be done for all six sections that would be sexy. Yeah it's not so much of a plot twist as something to get the reader wondering.  Thx4detailedresponseineedthoserightnow. |
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| Psiwri | Jun 23 2008, 05:11 AM Post #40 |
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Too Many Words
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Slow is slow is (yes, slow). Still needing to revise parts 2-6, though doing so alone doesn't really do much for me, need others to go through with. If anyone (slim chance as any) would be willing to do so with me, send a PM over or something. |
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| Psiwri | Sep 5 2008, 05:45 PM Post #41 |
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Too Many Words
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I still plan to work on this, proof of the opposed be damned! Just finished the physical map for the story setting, yaay \o/ |
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| +Hollie | Sep 5 2008, 11:54 PM Post #42 |
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Resident Brit
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Pretty map.  Now get on with the story, damn you. |
Known as Haar on Brand of Flame. Bitch. Formerly Margaret Thatcher, Aleksandr | |
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| Tiaro | Sep 6 2008, 11:04 AM Post #43 |
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And here I was thinking you had updated. ....The map looks like a clusterfuck of the Earth. XD |
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| Psiwri | Sep 6 2008, 01:43 PM Post #44 |
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Too Many Words
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what the hell is that supposed to mean? |
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| Tiaro | Sep 6 2008, 01:51 PM Post #45 |
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I mean it looks like the continents of Earth are all squished together randomly. XP |
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