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| Ryzing Down; Original Fiction | |
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| Topic Started: Mar 2 2008, 04:10 AM (1,163 Views) | |
| Psiwri | Sep 6 2008, 01:59 PM Post #46 |
Too Many Words
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except like, not, at all, without any similar shapes bearing upon the map |
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| Psiwri | Sep 24 2008, 11:26 AM Post #47 |
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Too Many Words
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For those who care at all with such things, the labeled political map is done now. Arc 1: Scatter Chapter 2: Vasif's Intent Part 1: Change of Direction Selsin, Ekenmire. Early Morning of September 4th, 848 Ekenmire Army Base Camp (First Division) A thickly bound book crashed onto the surface of a makeshift table as a small ring of dust was sent airborne. The book had a golden label on the front cover: General's Log. Amalia yawned from having recently awoken, "Blasted military regulations." She muttered, more than willing to go back to sleep if she could. She hastily snatched an ink bottle from atop a locked chest in a corner of the tent and dipped a quill pen in it and began to write on the first blank page of the book. 4th Day - 9th Month - 848th Year - 3rd Era Operation Seral was successful with the victory at Tralstine, the ceasefire was accepted. As soon as the occupation forces arrived, we, the first division, moved to Selsin as originally planned and have set up camp to prepare for the next move against Fissa in one week from today. The losses we incurred were close to the expected amount for the operation, our unit is two thirds it's original size, we expect to be reinforced by the second division after the first strike against Alridge in anticipation of Seral's counter attack. After which time we will be marching on their capital city of Sarha for a swift strike at the heart. With success they should accept similar terms that Seral was subject to. Few prisoners were taken, the Seralians had praiseworthy bravery as few ran and fewer surrendered. However, one prisoner of note was picked up, a high ranking officer named Kristoph Kuddly who was found during a morning search the day after the fighting ended. He, along with two soldiers, were found severely beaten but alive. They are now being held in the dungeon here in Selsin and are being held until Seral pays compensation for them back. No plans have changed since the campaign began, and we hope for more swift successes in the campaign. With that the book was shut and placed back inside the locked chest, secure from any possible tampering. Now if I recall a representative from the capital will be arriving later today; best make some preparations. A chance to rest my ass. Still suffering from morning doldrums, General Bellum left her tent to begin organizing a welcome for the envoy to come. |
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| +Hollie | Sep 24 2008, 04:33 PM Post #48 |
Resident Brit
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Just a suggestion, but as doesn't sound right to me there. To me, that implies that the dust when up at a different time than the book was on the table . . . doesn't really matter, though.
front cover: General's Log. I think.
I think if this is a formal General's log, you would say 'First Divison'. Either way, I think one or the other would do, not both.
I believe the term is 'ransom', and if you include that I don't think 'for them back' is neccesary.
I believe the 'has' is unneccesary, and warring in that situation seems a little odd: war, conflict or some other similar term would sound better.
will be arriving or will arrive
This sentence just seems a little long. Perhaps 'today; best make . . .'?
Nothing really wrong with this, but I think 'expected envoy' sounds better. Yay, you got a new part up!  I've been waiting on this for AGES. It's good, although a little shorter than what you usually post.
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Known as Haar on Brand of Flame. Bitch.  Formerly Margaret Thatcher, Aleksandr | |
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| Psiwri | Sep 24 2008, 05:42 PM Post #49 |
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Too Many Words
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Yay for ye bolde replies. EDIT: Changes put in, changed "warring" to "campaign" |
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| +Hollie | Sep 25 2008, 12:10 PM Post #50 |
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Resident Brit
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The reason I found 'would be arriving' odd is because it's something that'll happen in the future. Would is conditional . . . I think it's conditional, anyway, I could be getting my names mixed up. Anyroad, it doesn't really make sense. Oh, and something else caught my eye:
Missing an 'a' in there somewhere, I think. 
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Known as Haar on Brand of Flame. Bitch. Formerly Margaret Thatcher, Aleksandr | |
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| Psiwri | Sep 27 2008, 01:25 AM Post #51 |
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Too Many Words
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Chapter 2: Vasif's Intent Part 2: Creeping Doubts Selsin, Ekenmire. Early Morning of September 4th, 848 Ekenmire Army Base Camp Sounds of preparation filled the air as soldiers were already working on various tasks in preparation of the next march, reparation of equipment and siege weapons being the loudest on the list. General Bellum strolled through the bustling busy-bodies as she made her way towards the Commander's tent, the armor she wore jostling with noise at every footfall. Whoever decreed that formal attire in regards to military issues involved wearing full armor should be hung. The tent was situated atop a short hill in the middle of the camp. From that vantage point the entire camp could be seen as well as the township of Selsin farther to the east. It would make an excellent spot for barking out the few simple commands she had to make. Borrowing a metal shell of a shield and a long sword that were stored against one side of the large tent, Amalia took up the two objects and bashed them together a few times for attention before nonchalantly tossing them to the ground at her feet. "Listen up, soldiers! Sometime later this morning an envoy from the Vasif himself will be arriving. We'll want to be sure to give off a good impression when it gets here. You all know what do, so just get to it!" the brusque second in command sent them off with dismissing wave before putting the shield and sword back in place. While the sea of bodies below changed current with the new directive, she turned around and headed inside the tent; something only a few specific people could do without having to consult the two guards next to the entrance first. On the far side of the tent and across a crude desk sat, as usual, her commander, superior, and confident, Zared Ryza. His calm, directed gaze fell on her as she began to open her mouth to speak. "If you came to enlighten me on the fact that mornings are terrible you've done so enough in the past," he interrupted, knowing full well what the first thing from her lips would be. A slight smile formed across his face as he continued on, "Sounds like you already gave out the orders to make the preparations." He looked down and wrote a few words on a parchment and then back at her. "So, want to talk to me about something or just avoiding doing any work?" he asked jokingly. Amalia shrugged it off with a defeated smile; was she really getting that predictable? "Well, to be honest I wanted to go over a few things in concern with the Etherlite business." Her tone was slightly hushed, as though she were wary of anyone who might be listening in, despite knowing the two guards outside were also confidents on the matter. "The envoy might give us new orders that screw up our current plan." Zared's face had turned completely to a serious and earnest expression as soon as the topic was brought up, and he listened closely to what Amalia was saying. When she was finished he nodded understandingly, "It's certainly a possibility, but not anything we've not dealt with before. Is there any particular difference this time?" "Not really." She shifted uncomfortably before continuing. "It's just that I can't believe Nathan and Natalie got away from me." "Ah, is that still bothering you?" He asked without expecting a reply. "Nathan is a resourceful man, if not anything else of worth. As for Natalie, she's always followed him around loyally despite disagreeing with most of his actions." He let out a sigh of reminiscence. "Some things about people never change even if their memories do. Really, you should just get over that little inconvenience, I'll find those two again and perhaps speak personally to them." Amalia nodded in reply, but Zared's words did not ease her very much. Remembering those starved, child bodies it was hard to imagine them doing anything on their own short of collapsing to the ground. To think they could go out on their own and survive, from her perspective, was ludicrous. Yet Zared seemed complacent on the matter. Well, she conceded, he did know them far better than she did. "I never brought this up before, but I have this feeling that the situation with Kristoph Kuddly and his mysterious defeat was their doing." If that was true, Amalia reflected, then the Etherlites were more powerful than she had imagined. She shivered a bit at the thought. Zared just chuckled a bit, "It's entirely possible." He offered no further response to her inklings. "I'll say it again - don't let it bother you. Let's just worry about the here and now; I don't look forward to the envoy's arrival any more than you do. It would be such a wonderful world if those politicians would let those who know war, handle war, rather than complicating things." His voice was a little sour when speaking about them. To Amalia, it seemed odd for the leading commander of the nation's forces to speak of his superiors in such a way - but she trusted Zared with her life, so a minor oddity like this could be over-looked. Having grown tired of the less than morale raising discussion, Amalia changed the subject. "Did you see Erston's face when he found out happened to his missing boots?" She said in an excited tone, as the two trailed off into casual discussion. |
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| +Hollie | Sep 27 2008, 03:23 PM Post #52 |
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Resident Brit
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Shouldn't be two sentences. ". . . next march, reparation of . . ."
Probably just nit-picking, but I think it should be busy-bodies or busybodies.
Again, two sentences where there should be one. ". . . Commander's tent, the armor . . ."
This sounds like a thought to me, not something to include in the narration.
'the' rather than 'a' works best in this case, I think.
There's nothin wrong with this. In fact, I quoted it because of the exact opposite. The use of 'sea' then 'current' makes my inner-editor a happy bunny. <3
I'd suggest ; instead of , there. A comma just seems too short of a pause.
Typo. I think you mean 'to' instead of the first 'the'.
Comma, not a full stop.
I don't know, I just think a colon or semi-colon would fit in here better.
Sentence seems to run on a little. I'd put a comma after 'listening in'.
Typo. Completely.
Anything seems like something you'd use when referring to general situations rather than a specific one. Use 'what' or something instead.
Here, I think the speech would work better with a full stop ". . . really." She shifted . . ."
Again, a full stop just seems to work better than a comma.
'to herself' isn't needed.
Two things. Firstly, it's a little confusing coming straight after Ryza's speech with no indication of the character who is thinking it. Secondly, in the latter part of the sentence the comma just feels awkward and wrong. I'd actually recommend something like this: If that was true, Amalia reflected, then the Etherlines were more powerful than she had imagined. She shivered a bit at the thought. or That thought caused her to shiver. Something like that, anyway.
This sentence runs on for a bit. I'll say it again - don't let it bother you. Let's just worry about the here and now; I don't look forward to the envoy's arrival any more than you do.
Again, full stop here.
I really don't like how this sentence is structured. I'd suggest rearranging it entirely to something like: To Amalia, it seemed odd for the leading commander of the nation's forces to speak of his superiors in such a way - but she trusted Zared with her life, so a minor oddity like this one was completely irrelevant. I don't think irrelevant is really the right word there. >>; Oh well, you get the idea.
Sounds awkward. Maybe something simpler, like: Amalia changed the subject. I like how you've started writing again RIGHT on cue for me to start to write more myself too. NaNoWriMo will be starting in just over a month.
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Known as Haar on Brand of Flame. Bitch. Formerly Margaret Thatcher, Aleksandr | |
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| Psiwri | Sep 27 2008, 04:55 PM Post #53 |
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Too Many Words
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Gogogo bolded replies. EDIT: Changes made, thanks for feedback. 
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| Psiwri | Oct 2 2008, 02:20 AM Post #54 |
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Too Many Words
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Chapter 2: Vasif's Intent Part 3: All's Well that Follows Well Selsin, Ekenmire. Late Morning of September 4th, 848 Ekenmire Army Base Camp Brassy horns pleated the air announcing the awaited arrival. For all it's bark, the actual envoy was small and unimpressive in number. Only natural, this isn't a public display so no need to bother. Zared, in his position on the foremost edge of the camp facing where the envoy would arrive, was quite ready to greet the representative. He, along with Amalia and two high ranking lieutenants, lined up at the outer end of a soldier lined pathway to the Commander's Tent. There they stood in frozen salute soon as the envoy came into sight. The envoy consisted of a carriage drawn by a pair of white horses surrounded on all four corners with a well armed guard as well as two horn players just ahead of the ensemble. Every single item and member was draped in white robes or armor with golden lining - the colors of Ekenmire. Of course, this meant they looked almost exactly like everyone else in the assembled army. With the attentive yet unmoving audience, the carriage and crew went about its business, turning as it slowed and eventually stopped, leaving the side door directly in front of the four lined up in wait. The driver hopped down from the front and formally opened the door. Out of it stepped yet another white and gold endowed figure, a middle aged and fit looking fellow whose thick short hair was speckled with gray. He looked straight at Zared with bright eyes behind a straight face. The Commander's face looked quite surprised when he recognized the representative as an old friend of his from the capital in Derisimo. Formalities were dropped like hot coals as the two greeted each other with a vigorous hand shake and a pat on the pack. "Gregor Halbus, certainly not who I was expecting!" Ryza exclaimed. "Today may end up enjoyable after all." Representative Halbus chuckled and regained a straight face, bringing matters to the table. "It's good to see you friend, but the message I bring isn't so cheery. Come, let's have a private talk in your tent." He motioned a hand up the flesh and armor lined pathway. Zared nodded and turned to General Bellum and the lieutenants, all of which had curious expressions with various levels of attempting masking. "As you can see I have some matters to attend to now, you're all dismissed until I am finished." He looked up towards the soldiers assembled and in a more booming voice continued, "That goes for the rest of you as well, take the rest of the day off!" A cheer briefly rang across the camp as the two friends traversed to the Commander's tent. --------------- "Right, well," Gregor sat cross-legged on a stool across from Zared. He placed his goblet of wine on the table and got matters underway, he didn't have the luxury to take his sweet time. "The over all plan in basics hasn't changed, but the manner in which our Lord Vasif wishes to carry out has, and it bothers me some." He picked the goblet back up and took another swallow before placing it back on the table. "How did he put it," the worried friend trailed for a moment, "the Vasif essentially said that you didn't need to bother holding back and preserving the cities, or civilians, in further advancements." He went to take another sip from his goblet and threw his gaze on Zared for a moment while swallowing, trying to gauge his reaction. As expected, he got nothing from the attempt. One thing that impressed Gregor was his friend's ability to hide his mind behind his face. A moment later the reply came, "I never thought the initial instruction to fight with conservation of property and people in mind was his honest intention in the first place. I've been in service to Ekenmire since his father was the Vasif, that farce in Seral was going to end at some point, though this soon seems rather brash on his part." "But why, why bother at all? Resources and gold has been invested in restoring our new additions in Seral, and now that we turn our face to Fissa we could burn the land and murder the innocent for all he cares?" Gregor had to agree that it didn't sound like the Vasif Markay he knew. The question just burned into his thoughts; he couldn't make sense of it. "I can't be for certain either," Zared admitted, "I'd only be half surprised if he was just doing it to amuse himself. To see how we would react to this new 'instruction'. No longer under orders to hold back, would we take that to heart, or go as we have been and try and restrict the damage to the military and military alone? A field test of his pawns to see how they would behave when more pressing times came." When Gregor heard Zared's possible explanation he stole a look behind him at the tent entrance, his brow glistening with new found sweat. "It's true we can't be heard by anyone in here, right?" He asked for reassurance, surprised that the Commander of the entire military would choose his words in that way. Zared smiled bemusedly. "Cool off would you? This isn't the imperial courtroom where people are grasping at any loose strings they can to step on your face as they climb the political ladder. We're fine here, I'm not about to go against what Vasif Markay orders me to do." He was glad Gregor had this opportunity to get some fresh air away from the inner workings of the national court; being there too long affected the mind. "You're right," the Representative responded, becoming more relaxed again. "Man if feels nice to be out of there for even a fortnight." The old friends paused as they both gathered their thoughts. "So you really think this could just be some experimental game? I suppose that's possible." "Rest assured old friend, I plan to proceed with this campaign as we did with Seral, and keep what civilians we can out of the conflict. I don't want to be known for running an army that does otherwise any time soon. If push comes to shove it may well be resorted to, and now it's simply an option that won't be opposed in Derisimo. I'd say this new change only helps us." "That's just like you to twist something like that into a benefit." Gregor snorted, half in disgust and half in relief. "It truly was good to see you again, Zared, but I have to get headed back; schedules to maintain and all that joy." He sat up and clasped hands with the Commander once again. "Never change, friend. Hopefully we'll meet again under more pleasant circumstances." "Same goes to you, Sir Halbus." "Don't call me that, 'tis but the past forgotten." The two broke eye contact as the Representative exited the tent and went his way. Zared now had his back turned to the swaying tent flaps. I can only hope I was right about Brandon's reasoning. |
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| +Hollie | Oct 2 2008, 03:41 PM Post #55 |
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Resident Brit
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outer-end and soldier-lined I have a pet hate for things like this. Reading that can be confusing at first, if you see them as two seperate terms when actually they're linked.
I don't think this needs a seperate paragraph, really. Also, the first sentence is a bit . . . odd. Do you mean to say they held a salute as soon as the envoy came into view? If so, you missed out the first as in "as soon as", and "before them" isn't needed. Where else would they be in direct sight? Behind them? If that wasn't what you were trying to convey then you need to go over that sentence again because I have no idea what else you could be saying. And, again, 'ever-loud'. Lastly: 'the simple, yet ever-loud horn notes, relentless' or else put the comma before 'horn'. The sentence seems a little long otherwise.
Rather than a comma, shouldn't that be 'and'? Also, ensemble to me suggests clothing. Unless that was what you were going for, it has an odd connotation.
'Every single item and member was draped in white robes or armour with golden lining - the colours of Ekenmire - which, of course, meant they looked almost exactly like everyone else in the assembled army.' Or something like it. The final part of that sentence seems unneccesarily long, and as two different sentences they don't really work that well.
With the attentive audience? Doesn't that mean the audience is helping out? You probably mean something like: 'With the attentive yet unmoving audience watching, the carriage . . .'
Argh. Pet hate again. Who's = who is. In this case, you'll be wanting whose.
He put that expression on his face purposefully? Because that's what you certainly seem to be suggesting.
Location isn't needed.
I just don't like the ending of this sentence. It's so . . . ugly. You could say something more like 'and mentally prepared himself for the discussion that was the purpose of his visit'.
Returning it to whom? Where?
'one thing' and onwards should be a seperate sentence or use ; - a comma is too short a pause.
Doesn't brash mean arrogance? In this case, you want rash, which I believe means something more along the lines of "hastily, without thought."
Full stop would fit better.
for all he cares?
Why is regardless there? Because as far as I see it holds no purpose whatsoever, and looks out of place.
Wanting a colon or semi-colon here, I think.
Typo: at.
Courtroom, unless I'm much mistaken, is one word.
Again, you want a colon or semi-colon.
Okay, first off you can't just say "a pause" - that sounds like some sort of stage direction. Secondly, who does one gather thoughts "back up"? Did they spill from your basket? (Get rid of it, it just sounds silly.)
Seems weird. Either 'It's possible' or 'Sounds plausible'.
Missing 'and' after 'sat up'. Can't really say anything i haven't before, except that I liked this chapter and hope we see more of Sir Halbus.
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Known as Haar on Brand of Flame. Bitch. Formerly Margaret Thatcher, Aleksandr | |
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| Psiwri | Oct 2 2008, 07:07 PM Post #56 |
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Too Many Words
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A surprisingly short list of errors to be pointed out considering the length and circumstances of the edit. I've also been kind of curious, do you have any feedback at all other than technical errors in the writing? 
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| +Hollie | Oct 4 2008, 01:37 PM Post #57 |
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Resident Brit
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Ah, yeah, about that shortness . . . I kinda hit the "add reply" button sooner than I meant to and had to edit the last bits into my post. Sorry about that. My C&C on your story is, currently, all technical. Right now I don't think I'm informed enough to make a comment on the overall plot and I have no problems with any of the characters thus far. The only thing I could really say is: bring back Kuddly!
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Known as Haar on Brand of Flame. Bitch. Formerly Margaret Thatcher, Aleksandr | |
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| Psiwri | Oct 4 2008, 06:00 PM Post #58 |
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Too Many Words
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Bide your time, Kuddly is a very major character.
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| Psiwri | Oct 5 2008, 01:42 PM Post #59 |
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Too Many Words
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Chapter 2: Vasif's Intent Part 4: Target Within a Target Selsin, Ekenmire. Evening of September 4th, 848 Ekenmire Army Base Camp "The troops have nearly finished preparing to march." Amalia relayed the report to Zared, who was making a double check over his maps of western Fissa. "Excellent. We'll want to leave early tomorrow and cover as much ground as we can, the sooner we get there the less time they'll have to set up a defense once our heading becomes clear. It's unfortunate that we'll have no way to hide our approach." While the military power of Fissa wasn't impressive, the economical importance it had with other countries made attacking a weary consideration. Amalia's left eye twitched slightly at the news. "I'll make sure the men march fast," she responded, failing to fully hide her annoyance at the time of departure. "Good, good," the Commander replied, paying no heed to the tone. "Now, do you remember what your individual special unit task is for the upcoming battle?" She looked at him, somewhat confused, "There wasn't one, at least, aside from making sure they lose and we don't." "You recall the information on Bennet Ryzi correct? We may have last pegged him in a rural village farther towards Sarha, but I wouldn't be surprised if he would be... coerced into helping with the defense given his abilities." "That's how it is huh?" That's how it was, she supposed, a General of the army and she was not on the main front lines; rather, she was always part of small groups doing behind the scenes work. How'm I supposed to get any honor if no one sees what I'm doing? Someday, she swore to herself, she'd get to do what she enlisted for. Right now though, she had long since agreed to comply with Zared's personal mission. "Who will I be working with?" It was an earnest question, speaking with her 'team mates' ahead of time to plan things out to aassess what they had to work it. "Chetz Polta, Embren Grean, and you can take however many of your vanguard unit you want." "Understood, if you have nothing more I'll be on my way and proceed with preparations." A standard salute was given and held, awaiting permission to actually depart. Chetz and Embren? He must really want to succeed in finding Bennet. Maybe he's more distraught from not getting Nathan and Natalie than I thought. "I've no further instructions, you already know how the operations will go. Dismissed." General Bellum dropped salute and lifted the flap to exit the tent. "I feel uneasy about all of this." Zared spoke quietly so that only Amalia could hear it as she was exiting. She paused for a brief moment and continued on; the only way she could help was to bring him success in her mission. ---------------------------------- The sun's light blanketed the eastern horizon, not even fully risen as all of Ekenmire's First Division was lined up and ready to march; the camp from the previous week now nowhere to be seen as pack animals lined the back of the army of seven thousand men and women. At the very front were the top brass, mounted on the best warhorses available, facing the rest of the army. "Soldiers!" Zared bellowed, "We have a long merciless march ahead of without break, and then we are tasked with facing against one of Fissa's better defended cities. This will not be easy, this will not feel good. However, it isn't anything we can't handle. We break for half an hour at noon, and then set up camp as the sun sets. March!" He wheeled about on his horse and took off at a trot: the next step of Ekenmire's campaign, and of his own personal goals, had begun. End Chapter 2 Please leave comments on the chapter, of what you thought of it or any observations and expectations. :D |
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| +Hollie | Oct 5 2008, 02:02 PM Post #60 |
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Resident Brit
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Runs on ever-so-slightly. "Zared, who . . ."
Why is the rest of this chapter in past tense, and this sentence in present tense? Even if you're describing how Fissa is right now, it should really be the same tense all the way through.
Comma not a full stop at the end of the speech.
A few minor problems. First off, I would suggest another comma after "it was". Also, it should be "she wasn't on the main front line", since the sentence is past-tense. Lastly, the final comma doesn't seem quite a long enough pause: "front lines; rather, she was . . ."
'And all that' just seems too casual in a serious work like this, especially as it's not in speech. Perhaps something like: "to plan things out and ensure a successful conclusion."
Again, the pause is a little short. "continued on; the only . . ."
Shouldn't be two seperate sentences. "ready to march; the camp . . ."
Just a few minor pauses with punctuation. "took off at a trot: the next . . ." and when you go on to say 'of his own personal goals', you should add 'and' before 'of', because it seems like the beginning of a list and then it isn't. Alternatively, you could seperate that clause with hyphens. This chapter overall seemed good, although shorter than the first . . . or maybe it just seemed that way. Regardless, I liked it, and I really don't know what to expect next. This is a good thing, because with most stories I read, I quite often can and that takes half the fun out of reading it. The only major problem I have is thus: what sort of general marches his troops hard, presumably across several days, and then mounts an attack on a well-defended city? If you fight with exhausted troops you're bound to lose. |
Known as Haar on Brand of Flame. Bitch. Formerly Margaret Thatcher, Aleksandr | |
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11:15 AM Nov 23
