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| Ryzing Down; Original Fiction | |
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| Topic Started: Mar 2 2008, 04:10 AM (1,155 Views) | |
| Psiwri | Oct 5 2008, 02:06 PM Post #61 |
Too Many Words
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Maybe he's just saying that to make it sound harder? << >> (Shut up i'm trying to make ekenmire sound uber D:) I'll work it out in chapter 4.  And ya it's like a good 4 pages shorter than chapter 1. Chapter 3 may even be shorter than this one potentially, and chapter 4 looks to be quite long. |
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| Tiaro | Oct 5 2008, 07:46 PM Post #62 |
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Good, but too short Hollie got everything. XP |
Brawl code: 1118-0273-4847 Guess I played it too well? http://heather-kaithan.mybrute.com For the lulz | |
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| Psiwri | Oct 8 2008, 10:12 PM Post #63 |
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Too Many Words
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Arc 1: Scatter Chapter 3: There and Gone Part 1: Taken In Northeastern Seral. Evening of August 27th, 848 Nathan stopped to take a short break, wiping sweat off his brow as the two food laden sacks he was dragging with him were dropped to the ground. Then he slowly set Natalie on the ground to give her a break as well. He'd been at it for days now, dragging along food and carrying his still crippled sister along a lesser used road towards the north east. He didn't know where they were headed but he knew it was away from Amalia and all of that business he'd rather never see again. With any luck they'd run into a settlement or city where they could try and get somewhere with their lives. They needed shelter, food, and rest to get healthy again, he had no clue how long the two could last in the miserable state they were. It was obvious how malnourished and thin the two were just by looking at other people they came across. Naturally they gave disturbed and sometimes concerned looks towards them in their sorry state. A few even offered some petty amount of sustenance as a nice gesture. Nathan accepted them with a sullen stare while Natalie would properly thank them for it. None of them actually took the time or effort to truly help them. After that first night free from chains, hiding, stealing, avoiding, all those actions he had to employ to simply keep his self freedom was an exciting task. Now it was nothingness, nothing with which to challenge his mind or ability. It was just walking, day after day. The drudgery would consume him if it lasted much longer. He would begin killing again. Nathan's thoughts drifted to a most dramatic moment when he had to climb up to the roof supports of a half destroyed building with Natalie in tow as members of the search party walked in and barely missed finding them. That was it, the very tension he craved. He needed more such memories, more close calls, more near death experiences. That was the only way he felt alive. "Something bothering you, brother?" Natalie's idle question brought his senses back to the present, sun glazed world. He looked at her, his only true friend and companion in this lonely world, "No." "We should get moving again then, or the sun's going to spoil our food." With the slightest start he scolded himself for such a base mistake. "You're right, I'll go find us some shade, there's a grove on the horizon we can get to before night falls." Picking up his "belongings" once more, his mind having it's needed rest from manipulating ether particles, he gathering them to his body to reinforce it yet again and went along his way. They could go so much faster, say twice as far as they had, but they weren't in a rush and the gentler his strides the less stress on Natalie, and so his slow pace was chosen. Besides, if he went much faster the fact he was better than those normal humans gawking at them would be too obvious. Through the sun and autumn heat he continued, bored out of his wits. Sooner than he expected they had arrived to wooded area that was his goal. The sun was still skirting the horizon so he decided to keep going until it was nearly gone. Taking in the leafy smells, the sparse bird song, and Natalie's improved mood at the new surroundings, he felt like he could keep things as they were a little longer than he used to. It was then, while he thoughts were inward and he stopped paying attention to things around him that he heard a sharp gasp. "Oh dear, you children need help, please, come with me." An older looking woman who's seen fitter days walked hurriedly their way. |
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| Psiwri | Oct 9 2008, 01:17 AM Post #64 |
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Too Many Words
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Chapter 3: There and Gone Part 2: Of Peace Northeastern Seral. Late of September 14th, 848 "Dear, could you fetch me some potatoes from the pantry?" "Sure!" Natalie hopped out of her chair and had to catch herself from falling over on landing before slowly and carefully walked to the near by room to fetch said potatoes. "Here you go," she said cheerfully upon returning, presenting the prize object. "You're a sweetie." The kindly woman smiled as she took the spud and placed it on a counter to be sliced for the day's lunchtime meal. Natalie smiled shyly and blushed before returning to her seat next to the woman's spouse, Laurence Langford, who was showing her some of the ideas behind pottery and preparing them for a kiln's immense heat. The girl took an interest in his words, she barely knew anything about the world she and Nathan were in, and was fascinated by it. The old man seemed to be equally happy to be able to impart some of his knowledge so such a studious listener, and was quite enjoying himself, speaking with energy and emphasis. Despite this he would take occasionally glances out the window in front of him that provided a view of the garden, where Nathan had taken to tending. The boy worried him, he was so different from Natalie, practically a complete opposite. He never wanted to talk or interact with them at all, and it seemed like the only emotions he had were negative. Still, he always seemed to be putting himself to use without complaint. It was odd. Not long after Laurence had finished with this discussion with Natalie for the day. He sat up and patted her on the head, "Well, time to get to work. Feeding four people takes a lot more effort than two!" He and his wife Richelle never did have children of their own, they had tried but without success. It felt like a miracle that they had run across these two children that needed so much help. The man whistled merrily as he worked the potter's wheel, thinking of how successful he and his beloved had been with getting the kids healthy again. They still had a ways to go but they had something besides bone under their skin and more energy. His life was taking a turn for the better these last few weeks. It didn't matter that he had to work more and spend more money, because it was all put to a worthy cause. Yet one thing still struck him as odd and it worried him some. Why were their eyes the color of rust? No person had eyes like those, that just didn't happen. Ultimately he shrugged it off as a minor observance, not willing to embrace the fact that anything would be wrong with what were practically his adopted children. -------------- "Natalie, could you watch the food for me for a while? I have something to take care of." Richelle requested kindly, hiding what she had seen and her concerns, those were reserved for Laurence. "Okay." He nice twin replied with some curiosity as to the request. "Great, just let me know when the water starts to boil, I'll be in Laurence's workshop." She walked out the back door of the main house to the adjacent pottery building. She opened the door gently and strolled in before closing it once more. "Nathan's pulling the vegetables ruining them again." She said solemnly, he had been doing that every few days since they picked him up, and no matter what they told him about it, there was no change. Frustrated at the news, Laurence stopped what he was doing and go up to scold the boy once again. "What's the boy's problem? It's like he has a penchant for destruction!" He couldn't understand, and that frustrated him more than anything. He rushed out to stop the damage while he could. Richelle watched her husband's back as he left, What could be troubling that boy's soul? Her fleeting thoughts followed her back into her home. "I'm back sooner than expected," she greeted the cooperative Natalia, "Thanks for watching over the food, why don't you go upstairs and find something fun to do?" They had bought some simply toys on a visit to town after they had picked the two up. They worked wonderfully with Natalie, while Nathan would have nothing to do with them and seemed to prefer simply brooding in a corner. He truly was an object of worry and misunderstanding. "Okay." Natalie said, once again a little curious about the request, by compliant anyway. They did that from time to time and she didn't really question it much. -------------- "What brings you to do these things?" Laurence asked loudly to Nathan, he tried to be understanding and calm about it, he really did, but he just couldn't any longer, the problem persisted without improvement of any kind. He simply could not understand why Nathan would do this, which made him anger. "You know full well that we rely on these plants to eat, yet you suddenly take to tearing them out of the ground and tearing them apart! What possible reason do you have?" He watched fervently, the answer was always different, the outcome never different. Nathan did not look at Laurence but he heard him just fine. Rather his gaze was focused at a beet in his raised right hand. He just looked at it bemusedly, "What difference is there between me crushing this plant and us eating it? It dies, we do not. Why do we invest the work and water into growing them just to have them killed?" The questions he asked were not much of his own concern, but he wanted to hear the man's reply anyway. Laurence said nothing at first. This kid's got mental issues, I wish I knew how to help him but I know nothing. In the end he decided to not answer his question at all. "Come inside, you've done enough here for one day. Dinner is nearly ready." He turned and left, returning to his home and leaving Nathan's whimsical questions. Nathan leered at the man's back. "No good comes from avoiding answers." He said to himself as he followed at a distance to where the food would be. -------------- "Here comes dinner!" Richelle announced with spunk as the containers of prepared food were set in the center of the small four person table. Nathan and Natalie sat on opposite sides of each other, as did their temporary parents. They all took their eating instruments and began to dig in. Nathan took the food and ate it slowly in silence, allowing Natalie the opportunity to have a lively chat with the two older people. Nathan couldn't say he wasn't a little, just a little, envious of her jovial nature here, she seemed to enjoy it just fine while he wanted to break away at the soonest opportunity. He knew they would move on from these people, once he and Natalie were healthy again. This was a life he refused to live. Why were they so different? He knew that she too felt they were extremely close, but everything outside that instinct backed it up. In the end he could only surmise that the answers lay elsewhere, possibly even in the hands of the people he so hastily escaped when they were first freed. "It tastes wonderful as always." Natalie commented between bites, wolfing down the food available to her. The two were still recovering from their starved former selves and ate a lot to make up for it. Richelle just smiled pleasantly and continued on. Laurence on the other hand was far from content, no doubt riled from Nathan's odd questions previously. His wife thought that was the case at first, until his face had the look of someone in the midst of awe and fear. "What's the matter, dear?" She asked, turning around to see out the window Laurence always liked to have a view of while in the house. She, too, took on the same expression as she did. "What's going on?" Natalie asked, showing similar signs of being scared, not liking the paling faces of her saviors. "It's a Jappie." Laurence identified the four-legged, lanky beast that was approaching their home. "Normally they do not cause a problem to humans, they eat animals with ether in their bodies, we only use ether outside our bodies. What would have brought one here?" He wondered, then he looked at the two children before him. No no, that can't be it. Having heard enough, Nathan got on his feet without a word and rushed out the door leading to where the beast was, gone before the two "parents" could do anything to stop him. "Nathan get back inside, that thing's really dangerous!" Laurence yelled after him, too aware of his own life to actually chase after him. Natalie knew what Nathan had in mind, and she trusted his judgment. "He'll be fine." She said, surprising the two who turned their attention to her. "Just please stay inside." They were perplexed, and Laurence was certain now that they weren't what he so wanted, they weren't normal children at all. |
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| +Hollie | Oct 10 2008, 08:57 PM Post #65 |
Resident Brit
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Part 1
After several not-quite run on sentences, this seems a bit much. "Naturally, they . . ."
The latter part of this is confusing, because it sounds like you're talking about the here-and-now. I suggest replacing 'was' with 'had been'.
In the first part, I would suggest 'had had' just to make the past a bit more obvious. Also, it seems a little long. Perhaps something like: "supports of a half destroyed building - Natalie in tow - as members of the search party walked in, barely missing finding them."
Basic? 
You want 'at', not 'to'.
Firstly, typo: his, not he. Secondly "his thoughts were inward"? That does not make sense. "Whilst he was lost in his thoughts," or something. If you go with that, you wouldn't need to have the "and stopped paying attention . . ." bit either.
You're using present tense again. It should be past: "An older looking woman who had seen . . ." Also . . . that seems a really bad point to end on. Like, really, really bad. I thought you'd missed the last part of the chapter out accidentally at first.  Part 2
stop herself.
walking
Don't don't need to bake pottery theory, you know. XP Do you mean pieces? Or are you trying to say he's telling her about pottery ideas and how to prepare stuff for the kiln? If so, it could do with a little re-wording to make the meaning clear.
Runs on a tad. "took an interest in his words; she barely . . ."
Oh, ouch ouch ouch. Your words are all over the place. "Despite this, he would occasionally glance out of the window that provided a view of the garden in front of him, where Nathan had taken to . . . tending?" Tending what? The plants? Or do you just mean hanging about?
Runs on. Suggestion: "The boy worried him - he was so different from Natalie; practically a complete opposite."
This sounds like the precursor for another sentence, not one in it's own right. I understand what you're trying to say, but you need to rephrase it. "A few minutes later, Laurence had finished with his discussion with Natalie."
This sounds like something you'd tack onto the end of a story about Laurence and Richelle. "had never had"
Observance? Hmm. It seems more like a minor fault, the way you describe it, or a minor oddity. Also, 'could be' not 'would be'.
Speech grammar. You know what I'm going to tell you at this point. Also, I'd recommend "concerns - those were reserved for Laurence." Just an aside, but I've noticed that you tend to use a lot of commas. Add some more punctuation in there - hyphens, colons, semi-colons, ellipses - it gives your writing more variety.
Speech grammar again. I think you mean "The nice twin".
Speech grammar. Also, "solemly - he had been doing that".
Typo: got.
Who is this strange Natalia person?
Typo: simple.
Is 'misunderstanding' some sort of foreshadowing for the reader's benefit? Because it just doesn't seem like something this little old lady would think to herself.
Speech grammar. Typo: but.
"asked Nathan loudly; he tried to be understanding and calm [...] but he just couldn't any longer - the problem . . ."
Typo: angry.
Speech grammar.
X__X Please don't use that word in serious writing. For my sanity's sake.
"nature here; she seemed".
Speech grammar.
It should really be "got to" his feet, and the sentences runs on a bit. "the beast was - gone before . . . "
I dare you to take a guess. [size=1]Speechgrammar . . .[/size]
"so wanted: they weren't . . ." That is a much better note to end on, though. I think it unlikely that Nathan would randomly decide to go with this old lady, but whatever. How long have they been with these people? A month? A few months? There's no indication of the time that has passed. Laurence and Richelle are believable enough characters, though; especially Laurence with that final piece. A nice little human twist (well, I say nice . . .) I liked this chapter very much. The next one seems like it's going to be fun.  Fight fight fight.
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Known as Haar on Brand of Flame. Bitch.  Formerly Margaret Thatcher, Aleksandr | |
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| Psiwri | Oct 12 2008, 01:41 AM Post #66 |
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Too Many Words
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Chapter 3: There and Gone Part 3: Feral Northeastern Seral. Noon of September 14th, 848 Nathan had heard enough to know what had to be done. That Jappie had to either be shown it's prey was too tough to handle, or be killed. Either way was perfectly acceptable to him, he just wanted to make sure the only person to face the danger, the only person to live the moment, was him. The two mammals took a stare at each other, the beast's simple mind confused by that creature carrying the sent of its food, Nathan quickly assessing what he should expect. Their battlefield was the garden surrounded by sparse trees, and a wide, voluminous river flowing to his far right. It had the semblance of predator cat, but with some spidery traits. It's relatively small main body was supported on wiry legs and it sported a strong jaw of carnivorous teeth designed to make certain whatever it chose to eat would be effectively smashed to digestible pieces. Agility and whip like movements, Nathan concluded, were how this beast operated. He'd have to out last it before he could do any real damage. His mind reached out to the ether in his surroundings, marking them to his memory for use when the time came. He did not feel any such actions by the Jappie leading him to believe it did not actually use Ether, leaving it all to his own use. As the staple of his specialty, Nathan pulled in the Ether to his body, creating a protective and enhancing shell of the material on his skin. His body felt better than it had in a long time since finally having proper rest and food for the few weeks had been living where he was, there was no way some non-ether using mangy beast could best him. It did bite at the back of his mind, however, why would a hunter of ether using animals have no counter means to its use? Nathan lacked the time to think about it further, as the Jappie had made it's move. Letting out a screech of it's name sake, "Jap, jap!", it sprinted in for a decisive blow, a fore leg raised and poison to whack Nathan with sudden blunt force. Concentrating his mental shell on his right fore-arm, Nathan used that as a shield to take the force of the blow, and while it reduced the strike to nothing more than a tomorrow bruise, he was still knocked sideways off his feet and landed on his side. Curse this light weight body, I might be able to handle the direct damage but I get thrown around like a rag doll! On his back and far from safe, Nathan threw both reinforced arms up to protect his more damageable face. The Jappie was on him in an instance, it's jaw clenching down on the right arm once again. The beast tore Nathan from the ground with the move it's strong neck and shook him back and forth a few times before the Etherlite finally managed to get his other hand on the Jappie's face. Digging his fingers around one of the beast's eyes he forcibly removed it from it's rightful spot and threw it to the ground. Instantaneously the jaw that was so steadfastly clamped upon his arm loosened and let go, dropping Nathan half a foot the ground as it staggered in pain. Nathan looked at his bitten arm with surprise, it was bleeding pretty badly as clear punctures from the teeth were in his skin. That wasn't right, he had protected that part especially well! Using the bought time with the removed visionary organ, he tried to think of what went wrong. The answer came to him, he felt it. The creature's saliva, which was still dripping down his arm, was neutralizing his control on any Ether it came into contact with, forcing it off his skin and back into the air. Figures. He wiped the bloody, slimy arm on his shirt to remove all the saliva he could. Then he covered the arm once more in his much needed protective shelling. Attention returned to the recovering Jappie, he scrambled back to his feet, far more wary of the beast's dangerous maw than before. The beast has recovered from its pain and showed no signs of backing off despite the injury it incurred. Nathan chose to make the first move this time, taking off in a sprint off to one side. Sure enough the Jappie went after him, catching up with superior speed as it readied a strike with a foreleg. It swung as Nathan rigidly pulled his body to the ground, using the Ether more than his own muscles to do it in an abnormally swift speed. His adversary's attack flew over him and the monster tripped over the prone body, stumbling to the ground. This wasn't getting anywhere fast, with the added danger provided by the animal's spit Nathan's options were severely limited, he needed some way to get an advantage, or remove one of its. Still flat on the ground, he noted straight ahead of him the large river not more than perhaps twenty yards away from him. Water, the saliva wouldn't work too well if it was deluded in there would it? Then again, neither would his own ability to use either be very good. The answer to that was simple, have one party in while the other party was not. It was a worthy gamble at least. Nathan sprang up onto his feet again and ran towards the river, the Jappie was hot on his trail in seconds and struck him in the back, knocking him forward and back on the ground yet again. Instinctively rolling to one side, he dodged a snap by the creature's jaws and sprang up to run once again, only to be knocked down once more only a few yards further. Damn beast isn't making this work very well, maybe I'll just have to drag it with me! The Etherlite rolled from being on his stomach to on his back as the patterned jaw strike came. Rolling on his side as it fell he narrowly evaded the attack and wrapped both of his arms around its head, locking away the jaw from being any more of a problem. Not to mention making it really hard to see what it was doing. With another burst of Reinforcement concentration he planted his heels into the soft ground and began pulling himself and the Jappie towards the rivers. Naturally the beast resisted as best it could but it wasn't quite enough to stop Nathan's slow and determined progress. Inch by inch, step by step, he put all he had into dragging the Jappie towards the river bank, readjusting his grip as needed to keep it from freeing its head. The effort was exhausting, and if the ploy didn't work he could well be in a world of trouble. The two monsters struggled all the way to the bank, Nathan's death grip not letting up at all. Nathan's back to the bank there was only one thing he needed to do. The Etherlite gathered all his power and lifted the Jappie's body as he stood straight just long enough to then pull back and bring the two crashing, Nathan fell back as his arms and the Jappie's head splashed into the river. Their bodies slammed into the river bank a moment later. Nathan coughed for air from the impact forcing air from his lungs, as the Jappie's legs frantically scrambled to get free of the water that was drowning it. Now it was a struggle of endurance. Would the REM outlast breath, would Nathan's strength outlast the Jappie's legs? The beast's legs occasionally landed on Nathan's body, causing for a beating as all of his concentration now was on the arms holding the head in place, leaving the rest of him vulnerable to damage. His teeth ground upon each other as he took the pain, knowing that letting go of his death grip would cause far worse things to happen. They were both scrambling around on the bank, one pulling away from the river, one pulling farther into it. Tens of seconds later the Jappie's body slowed and relaxed, no longer struggling and showing signs of getting weaker and weaker until nothing. The body just flopped limply to the ground as Nathan found himself stuck under a heavy weight. He was so exhausted he felt like joining in on the relaxation. With a calming breath of fresh air the Etherlite worked his way out from under the body and proceeded to shove it all the way into the river, letting the current rid the area of the carcass. |
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| Psiwri | Oct 20 2008, 10:23 AM Post #67 |
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Too Many Words
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Chapter 3: There and Gone Part 4: On the Road Again Nathan Ryza dipped his injured right arm into the river and washed off the deep bite wounds he had incurred. He also did it to rinse of the unsettling feeling of the beast's saliva running down his skin. Losing his own control over the Ether felt disturbing, and he was not privy to experiencing it again. When he was finished, the boy stood up and walked back to the house that for a time at least was his, though Nathan was sure that was over after the display he just presented. He opened the door to the house, and took no more than one step inside, looking from one face to the next. First he saw Richelle's, mouth shut tight, eyes and brown a mix of surprise, worry, and fear. Then he looked to Lawrence, stern, angry, and right near ready to speak his mind about it. Before the old man could, Nathan stole a glance at his sister who tried to show him a smile but couldn't quite manage, all the while avoiding his gaze. Clearly something had, and was about to, happen. "Go upstairs, grab what you need, and come back immediately." Laurence outright commanded, holding himself back as best he could, not even sure himself what emotion he was supposed to be feeling in the current situation. "Gotcha." Nathan replied in faux apathy as he began to ascend the stairs. Before he got all the way up he noticed Richelle's eyes following his injured and still bleeding arm. "Hmmph." Wanting two opposed things at the same time won't get them very far. Nathan solemnly gathered what little he had, a single spare set of clothing and a pack for carrying things he only hoped to eventually have. For now that would just be some food. He took the opportunity both to get Natalie's limited and equivalent possessions as well as to buy some time for those below to think things over one more time. It was only a couple minutes before he was finished and headed back down to the battlefield. He was silent, knowing Laurence well enough in his three weeks with them the priority of speakers in the household. Laurence had prepared himself, his stance wide and arms crossed, scowl perfected across his face. "I don't know what you are exactly, but I do know that I do not want you associated with me or under my roof ever again. There is no way I can support some thing that's capable of taking on a Jappie with no protection or armor at all, yet looks like a weak little boy. Take what food you need and rid us of you!" He ended with a frustrated yell, causing the two women in the room to flinch. Nathan had completely expected the reaction, long since convinced he and his wife weren't truly prepared to help people, but simply wanted the satisfaction of the act. Unusual cases like he and his sister were exempt. Nathan looked straight back at Laurence, matching gazes. Nearly grinning back, Nathan replied with a simple "As you command." As wrong as he thought it was, he enjoyed the fact he read them like an open book. That was the case with him most of the time, he'd embrace his own impressions of a person and fully anticipate how they'd react, and he would be right. People were predictable. Though, he did feel a sliver of empathy for Richelle who seemed to be shut out by Laurence's take-charge approach to critical situations. The boy looked at her and said quietly, "Take charge of your life." before turning about and grabbing Natalie by the hand. "We're done here, let's find a new place to get by with." Natalie looked back at the two 'parents' she had the short time of enjoying as she was pulled outside the house for the last time. Silence was king as Nathan picked some fruits and vegetables from the garden outside, filling his pack with as much as he could. When that task was done, the twins resumed their trek along the same road they had been picked up from by Richelle in what seemed like a lifetime in the past. They crossed the river and went another solid mile before Natalie spoke again. "I'm sorry," her tone was apologetic. "That wasn't our fault at all, it was those two who couldn't tolerate the abnormal." Nathan responded, trying to be comforting with his words but they carried his malice in them. "But I told them," she insisted. "Told them what?" Nathan couldn't figure out what she was so worried about. "Told them that were are Etherlites and what I heard about them back when Amalia rescued us from the prison." She sounded almost pathetic. Nathan signed and but a hand on Natalie's head as they walked, "It doesn't change anything now, don't let it bother you, we'll find the next town and get jobs of some sort and we'll be able to support ourselves." She relaxed visibly and just nodded in response as the two quietly moved on. Minutes later she spoke up again, "I want to pay them back for their help some day." Nathan's face remained expressionless, "Once you earn money of your own you can do whatever you want with it." Natalie looked at him, pleased, he smiled back. ------Four Days Later------ "We're looking for a pair of young kids called Etherlites, we've heard they've been along this road headed towards Talsus." Two men, in what would be described by most people as odd uniforms they've never seen before, asked the question they didn't expect to be answered, but they had to ask anyway. "Well, yes, two of them used to stay with us for a while, what have you got to do with them?" Laurence Langford replied cautiously, more strange people invading his life, Nathan and Natalie had been enough for him. The two men's faces reflected their surprise and good fortune. One suddenly changed to a scowl, while the other butted in front of him and responded in a much more professional manner. "Excellent, thank you for cooperating. Have a good day." He spun around and grabbed the other's arm, dragging him away from the door with him. "Keep a good impression for strangers would you?" He requested, his partner couldn't even hold out for a short conversation. "But they would harbor those demons in their own home?" The man responded energetically. "Not everyone sees the truth to them as we do, Horace," the other chided. "Let's get moving while we've still got a lead." Edited by Psiwri, Oct 20 2008, 12:17 PM.
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| Psiwri | Oct 20 2008, 12:16 PM Post #68 |
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Too Many Words
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Chapter 3: There and Gone Part 5: Barring Breaks Selsin, Ekenmire. September 9th, 848 Kuddly sat on the cold metal bench along the back wall of his prison cell. The bars of his cage were the focus of his attention as he simply looked at them with concentration. Had there been any onlookers it would have seemed very odd, but the wily man always made sure there weren't any whenever he did so. The process was slow, very slow, and tiring, but there wasn't anything else to occupy his time with so working on a way to escape was the only worthwhile effort. No one else could have seen it, but tiny, tiny specks of iron dust slowly poured out of a pin tip sized hole on his side of one of the metal bars. The prison policy of regularly extracting the Ether out of the jail area really tops this off as the most excruciating dissolving I've ever done. Over two weeks, and he was only on the second bar of three he would need to weaken to make his escape. He spent every waking moment while he was alone to grind out one piece after another of the iron, grinding it out from the inside to make it hollow enough to be broken with his waning strength. It was progress, he had to admit, and he'd make his way out of there eventually. The sound of a nearby door opening made cause for Kuddly to cease his actions and take a break from it, he was now just a bored prisoner tired of his trite existence. By the looks of it there was a new incoming prisoner to the humble abode, a brute of a prisoner from what Kuddly could see. The man was heavy set and had a solid four guards around him as he grudgingly moved forward with them. That was, until he looked ahead and noticed Kuddly looking back at him. At which point the large man expressed a copious amount of anger. "You!" He exclaimed as he bulled over the two guards in front of him and gripped the bars in front of Kuddly's cell hard enough to turn his knuckles white. "You're that bastard that tortured my brother for some 'private research'!" Kuddly took on a look of surprised amusement, thinking of who he might be talking about. "Oh, that Travis lad? Yeah he wasn't too keen on telling me what I wanted to know so I took the necessary measures." Travis' brother wasn't quite so amused as he leaned into the bars, stressing them further, "I'll make you pay for that, it took him two months to fully recover from what you did!" The surge of rage combined with the man's already strong body put forth enough pressure that they broke prematurely to Kuddly's plans. The big man stumbled forward just as the guards restrained him once again. "Now you've done it," one of the guards said. He looked to one of the other guards, "Frede, tell the warden we need a new set of bars, strong ones. The three of us will keep these two company in the mean time." The first one picked up on of the broken bars and examined it, seeing the weak points as being oddly hollow. Kuddly was nervous, if they knew he was a DEM user he wasn't going to be finding that freedom anytime soon, this new brute made sure of that. Fortunately for the old captain, they did not. "Strange, we'll be sure not to order bars from our previous supplier any more." The apparent head guard amongst the small group returned his attention to the two prisoners, "You two seem to get a long really well, how about we let you share this cell with each other?" he asked with a satisfied smile. A bony old man that got on your nerves and a big, easily angered younger man. Oh would things be more exiting around there for a while. It didn't take long for the warden and a helper to return along with Frede with a spare set of jail bars from their storage. They were almost twice as thick as the last ones, Kuddly decided to give up his pursuit at that moment. Someone would want to get him out for questioning of some sort eventually, his livelihood wasn't in danger. Once the bar sets were finished being swapped, the two were left to themselves in the cell. The brother of Travis having calmed down over time. Not one to let things boggle him down too much, Kuddly decided to go along with things. "So, what brings you here?" "I hate your guts." The other growled back. End Chapter 3 |
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| Psiwri | Dec 23 2008, 01:13 AM Post #69 |
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Too Many Words
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Not only an update (finally) but I've also got an early concept sketch of Kuddly's old wrinkly mug! http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v195/Psio12/Ryzing/Kuddly1.png Arc 1: Scatter Chapter 4: Target: Alridge Part 1: Setup Plains of Western Fissa, September 13th, 848 - 2:48 PM The Ekenmire First Division Army marched across the open Fissan plains, Alridge clearly seen in the distance. The slime trails of the Slans glinted in the mid-day sun behind them, a temporary testament to their travels. It was a short trip from here before the siege would initiate." "You know, this wasn't as hard as the Commander made it out to be." One of the back lines soldiers commented to the man on his right. "Oh, he always does that. I think it's to keep the newbies in good morale by over-exaggerating how hard the pre-battle is." The other replied back. "Is that so? Doesn't work very well when someone goes and tells us otherwise now does it?" He replied back jokingly. "Whatever." The other elbowed the first lightly before his gaze returned to Alridge, which was slowly becoming more clear. "Looks like the Fissans are quite prepared for us, this still won't be easy." The soldier pointed to emphasize, "Catapults, Ballistas, and at least one full reserve unit standing ready for us," the soldier paused, "they at least look to know who they're dealing with." Just then the army came to a full stop as the order was barked from the front to the back of the lines. Riding slowly along the right edge of the line, Commander Zared worked his way down the lines, shouting to his army, "-are concrete in your resolve when we find ourselves under heavy fire and barrage. Move quickly once we begin, the longer they have to pluck away at us from afar the worse it is for us. We will be a standard field formation in this approach. The terrain as you can see is all flat grasslands, the winner of this battle will be the side that can out maneuver and outwit the other, there are no trees to hide behind or bridges to set defenses. This will not be a pretty battle, you all know this. Just be sure that the uglier side isn't ours! Now, get into formation, we begin the assault in ten minutes. Steel yourselves!" With that the Commander wheeled about on his horse and sped back to the front, he has his own preparations to take of. Instantly the entire line of soldiers changed form as the bodies flowed to different places until, just a few minutes later, it had an entirely new shape. In front were the most heavily armed of the unit, not three rows behind them were lighter fitted barrier mages. Behind them were two lines of crossbowmen, and finally the light infantry with vicious looking spears made up the back rows. At the same time, on a small mound in front of the formation, a platform had been swiftly constructed, with Zared himself standing on top, his personal guard barrier mages to either side, each wore the robes denoting a highly skilled BEM user, one a man with light, short hair, the other a woman with long brown hair. Each stood still and quiet, but were notably looking around at all times, ever vigilant of their surroundings. Below and to the left of the platform sat the three large war drums that would be issuing the orders during the battle, their well muscled drummer warming himself up for the work to come. At the moment, the Commander stood atop the platform, viewing the Fissan forces before them. After a few seconds he turned back, facing his silent, ready army in its straight lines and stalwart faces. "You all know how this works, if you didn't you'd be sitting at home as part of the 4th division." He paused, some members of the army laughed at the comment. "Given that, I don't intend to bore you just as we're about to start a party behind me. I only offer a warning, Fissa's famed Solothurn Cavalry are likely on their way as I speak, so be prepared to deal with them when they arrive. I have scouts stationed to the east in anticipation of this. The drum call for their approach will be two low and two high tones alternating." He looked slowly from one side of the line to the other, garnering nods of acknowledgment as he went. "Right, let's claim another for our Vasif, let's show another nation the might of Ekenmire!" He raised his right fist as a roar erupted from the troops. Once more facing the direction of Alridge, right fist still in the air, the Commander's left arm was thrown forward. With another roar and the stampeding rumble of armored feet upon the plains, the battle for Alridge began. -------- "Two rooms and a warm meal if you would." Amalia Bellum placed a fair sum of coin on the counter before an inn keeper in the northern part of Alridge. Behind her stood two of Zared's personal guard members as well as Embren Grean and Chetz Polta, both key members of the First Division's special operations group, Amalia herself being the leader of it. "I take it you plan to use this battle to earn your living for the next month?" The inn keep asked, the studded leather and weapons the group carried clearly showing they were mercenaries. It wasn't the first time he'd seen such activity, though that was years ago. It was nice not having any wars for a while, but that time looked to be over. "Something like that," Amalia replied vaguely. The five took to sitting at a table in one of the corners of the inn, it wasn't particularly busy at the time given most citizens had evacuated to the safe zone north of town. "So, Chetz, what do you know about The Blacksmith that we can work off of?" The General cut to the chase; the plan was to find and "persuade" this Bennet fellow as soon as possible and skip town before the battle got too ugly. Chetz stroked his light fuzz of a beard as he replied softly, "As I expected he's been commissioned by the Alridge Battle Commander to work for them during this battle, making night time repairs between every day of battle. He's probably being housed in or near the barracks in the south of town. We'll need to observe his movements for a day to find out when and where he's on his own." He paused, looking at Embren, who looked back him with a matched gaze, "I'm sure you know what your role in this is." She nodded back, face never changing expression behind her tattooed visage. "Until then we really can't do a whole lot save perhaps some local investigations of our own," the Information Officer finished off. "Sounds like a plan, good work," Amalia replied. It was good they had ridden ahead of the army, so they could spare a day as per Chetz' suggestion. "We might be on a mission right now, but let's enjoy this while we can." She spoke up, "Serve some ale with that meal!" The order was thrown through the room to the barmaid at the front counter. "We'll have plenty of work to worry about soon enough." Edited by Psiwri, Dec 23 2008, 01:54 AM.
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| Rin | Dec 23 2008, 02:07 AM Post #70 |
TOTALLY A MAN
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You've gotten most of my punctuation/grammar edits on msn, but there're more in there, particularly around dialogue. Watch out for those. Biggest problem this time, as you briefly mentioned during our convo, is the style of writing. Frankly, in some places it just plain sucks. Sorry. It's not up to the standard of previous chapters. Some examples:
Booooooring. Just as you said, it's just like...I dunno...a transcript. You can do better, Pie. Also, you have a change of tense there. Watch out for those as well.
This paragraph is trickier. It's hard to sound creative when you're laying down battle scenarios for wars such as these, so this is not as sharp a stab as the previous. There're some issues with sentence structure, but I'm sure you're sick of me talking about that with you all the time so, lesse... This might have been more interesting if you had taken the description of the movement from the eyes of Commander Zared. Give his thoughts on the formation, etc. I'm not sure if you think this'll clash with the style of narration you've set up, but just reeling off the description like so is not very engaging at all. This is war. It needs to grip people from the get-go. It's up to you how you do this. That last section with Amalia was decent, I guess, but something about it irks me. Can't quite put my finger on it...I'm tempted to say it was another case of boring narration, but I'm not sure. Maybe someone else will pick it up. Edited by Rin, Dec 23 2008, 02:07 AM.
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 Av and Sig were definitely not made by Pendant or fez. | |
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| Psiwri | Dec 23 2008, 02:14 AM Post #71 |
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Too Many Words
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Yeah, it got to the point where I only cared about getting something written and out there, which is still far superior to nothing at all. |
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| +Hollie | Dec 23 2008, 12:18 PM Post #72 |
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Resident Brit
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This is a little late, I admit. Ch 3 Prt 3:
Runs on slightly. A few hyphens or semi-colons might do the trick.
You can't take a stare at somebody. Just staring. Also, I think you want a colon after "other". Also, typo: scent.
Whose right? I'm assuming you mean Nathan, but you could mean the Jappie.
What did, the river? Also, what spidery traits does it share? Does it have six eyes, spin webs, etc . . .
You might mean small torso. Because 'main body' implies that it has several bodies, which I doubt. Also, you don't need to go into nearly so much detail on the teeth. I think we all know what it uses teeth for.
comma after "Jappie". Also, the last part of the sentence might be better as a different one: "did not actually use Ether. Good. That meant there was no competition for the supply."
Run-on sentence.
I think you could probably take this out, and adapt the beginning of the next paragraph. It'd make it more shocking when we find out the creature DOES have a counter.
The part about it's screech doesn't seem very relevant, and a little intrusive. If you want it in there, add it earlier. Foreleg is one word, I think. Also, do you mean 'poised'? I think you could also say 'whack Nathan' or 'strike Nathan' and not bother with describing the force.
Runs on a tad. Might be better to split it into a couple of sentences.
vulnerable might fit better.
Typo: instant
I think you mean 'with a move of it's strong neck'. Also, this sentence runs on a bit.
This should get an 'ewww' reaction, but it doesn't. Add some description in here: what does the eye feel like, does the beast scream, etc. If you do that, you can pretty much get away with saying he removes the eye. We don't need the added fluff.
Runs on a bit.
Too pretentious. Just say eye.
What exactly is the point of the first sentence? What does it mean? I think this whole part could do with a bit of revision. It just doesn't read very well.
I don't think this needs to be two sentences. You could probably re-write it into one.
Typo: returning
Typo: had. Also, you might want a comma after "off".
How do you pull your own body to the ground? Maybe you mean flung.
Run-on sentence. Also, that last 'its' does not make sense. Would be better to day 'the creature's.'
You don't need to note the river's position twice in the same sentence.
Deluded means misguided. You want diluted.
Firstly, I think you mean 'Ether', not either. Also, I think this sentence on it's own is a bit crap. It could be incorporated into the one after or before.
Feels a little weird as a sentence. Could probably use a little revision.
of, not by
This paragraph doesn't make much sense in general. The second sentence runs on and the last one shouldn't be it's own sentence. Otherwise, it just generally doesn't work very well.
There's only one river. These don't need to be seperate paragraphs. Both sentences run on a little too.
I don't like the word monster to describe Nathan. He's the protagonist (or one of them). Also, in this position, it makes more sense for him to just break it's neck, and not go through all the unneccesary bother of dragging it to the river.
Needs rethinking, because this sentence seems disjointed and doesn't make much sense.
. . . What?
I have no idea what's going on here, except the Jappie seems to be drowning from standing in water?
Doesn't really need to be two sentences.
Again, wtf does this mean. I get that he's vulnerable to damage, but how, why, and what the hell does the first part of the sentence mean?
This seems a very anti-climatic way to end the fight.
Um, except the Jappie isn't relaxing, it's dead?  What the point of this sentence is I have no idea.
Runs on. I'll get to the others later. >_>; Sorry that this is a kinda lame review but I don't really feel like going into detail. |
Known as Haar on Brand of Flame. Bitch. Formerly Margaret Thatcher, Aleksandr | |
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| Psiwri | Dec 23 2008, 04:10 PM Post #73 |
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Too Many Words
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Wow there's a bit of a blast from the past. I have no idea how you read that, but Nathan basically dunked the Jappie's head into the water of the river, it is basically upside down at that point. As for breaking the neck being simpler, Nathan didnt' think of that at the time and had his mind set on the whole water > saliva thing. As for "relax as well", don't you have any appreciation for my sarcasm?   The rest I really don't have anything to say against. |
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Please support my efforts in creating writing~ | |
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| +Hollie | Dec 23 2008, 05:53 PM Post #74 |
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Resident Brit
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Oh, I see that now. |
Known as Haar on Brand of Flame. Bitch. Formerly Margaret Thatcher, Aleksandr | |
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3:53 PM Nov 8
