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| Topic Started: Aug 17 2008, 07:24 PM (488 Views) | |
| Dragon_Sniper | Aug 19 2008, 03:46 PM Post #16 |
mmmmmmmatt cassel
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This is brilliant. I love it so far. Keep it up, PR. |
 They like me! They really like me! (And Hakado! :D) | |
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| Tennet | Aug 19 2008, 03:47 PM Post #17 |
 
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Best line so far ”He can fucking change his appearance. Oh God, he can fucking change his appearance.” |
EXEW
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| +Hollie | Aug 19 2008, 05:16 PM Post #18 |
Resident Brit
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Holy shit. You might've thought this chapter rushed but that probably suits it better. This was sheer brilliance. Very creepy. I liked Johnston. Just not how you killed him off immediately!  I wonder who else is on the list of 'those to be judged'? I'm looking forward to more. |
Known as Haar on Brand of Flame. Bitch.  Formerly Margaret Thatcher, Aleksandr | |
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| Masaki | Aug 19 2008, 09:25 PM Post #19 |
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I think we may be seeing much more of Johnston and Kim Hollie. It is shorter than your other chapters however the pace of this chapter is very good. The scenes are excecuted swiftly and smoothly however the thriller aspect is still very strong, I reccomend "rushing" more of your chapters. Very, very good and its only getting better. |
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| Rin | Aug 20 2008, 01:59 AM Post #20 |
TOTALLY A MAN
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This is rather fast paced both in the actual story and the updates. Both good traits. Dude, wtf. This is retarded. I love it for being so. It's so twisted and weird. x_x Keep it up. |
 Av and Sig were definitely not made by Pendant or fez. | |
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| K' | Sep 4 2008, 11:29 PM Post #21 |
PR
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FOR IRIS
 Chapter 3: Noises The room was empty. A brilliant bleached white reflected the unhindered fluorescent light that flooded throughout the entire complex, causing the eyes to strain and plead for reprise. A solitary click, followed by two more as a small ‘whoosh’ filled the room, each noise echoing off the wall. Inhale, then exhale. Andrew Johnston took a deep drag from his cigarette, then blew the smoke out slowly, every intake and every expulsion amplified tenfold by the sheer emptiness that surrounded these army men. Johnston was sitting calmly in the nook made by the corner of two walls joining, while Alexander Kim was pacing frantically back and forth, his breathing labored and droplets of sweat falling from his brow with a soft ‘plip.’ As Johnston exhaled once again, Kim suddenly whipped around angrily, his standard issue army boots squeaking against the well polished floor. He marched up to Johnston and grabbed the cigarette from his hands angrily, grinding it between his index finger and his thumb, each action creating an unpleasant crunching noise. Kim proceeded to finish by tossing the cigarette away from Johnston, then braced himself for whatever was coming; a punch, a kick, anything. Yet, nothing came. Andrew Johnston cracked his neck sharply, left to right, sighing pleasantly as he stood up and patted Kim on the shoulder; free hand in his pocket. “There’s no use fussing over spilt milk rookie. We’re either trapped in its little mind game already or we’re safe. Personally, I think it’s the latter. Boss man didn’t touch me even once back at Macarthur, he had his little bitches do all the work for him. That makes me think that maybe, just maybe, that damn monster is letting us live for some reason.” Kim practically sprinted over towards the ladder leading up to the trapdoor, banging against it with his fists as if trying to break through. He grabbed the steel rung and tried furiously to open it, but to no avail. Finally, Kim drew his pistol and fired at the trapdoor, only to have the bullet ricochet around and land at his feet. “You call this safe?! This is safe to you?! All that monster’s doing is just telling us to wait patiently while it comes here and rips our heads off personally.” “And why exactly would he come here to kill us? You said it yourself rookie, Origin only kills criminals. As far as I know, joining the army isn’t a crime.” “Well that’s…” Johnston waved Kim off exasperatedly and stalked off, finding somewhere else to sit where the rookie wouldn’t bother him. He understood the kind of pressure the kid was under though. It was probably his first live field experience, and to be put under these situations… well, Johnston bet to himself that even he would have cracked under this kind of stress way back when, way back when he was rookie. A pale white figure stalked around Fort Macarthur, producing no audible footsteps whilst turning over decapitated bodies. Its fingernails seemed to be as sharp as razors, as it methodically scraped off samples of skin from each and every corpse, 10 at a time; one for each fingernail. It then took those samples and seemed to cross-reference them with something, something on the nearby computer. The logo at the top of the page was clear. Gmail? The monster known as Origin seemed to have its own Gmail account, and was viewing an attached document that it had sent to itself previously. The glow from the computer bathed its face in a flickering light, a small grin curving upwards inch by inch, until it encompassed nearly all of the creature’s face. “Louis Anderson, killed a single innocent bystander in Pakistan by accidental gunfire.” “Johnson Thompson, kicked his doctor in the groin accidentally during a reflex text.” “Brian Romnell, scolded his wife in public causing her a degree of embarrassment.” Origin sat there, listing off these people and their supposed heinous crimes one by one, the grin and glow both amplifying what was a twisted and crazed expression on its face. Kim had been correct. Origin only murdered criminals. But what Kim had failed to see in his short time of browsing Origin’s “Those to be judged” document what it had truly entailed. The 1927 page word document, in size 10 Times New Romans font was a roster of the entire population of the Earth, one being constantly updated as new humans were born. Yes, it was safe to say that Origin only killed criminals. Too bad for humanity; according to Origin, everyone was a criminal. From the smallest indecent act to a cold-blooded murder, an incidental poke to the face to a brutal massacre, each and every one of these acts was considered a crime by this monster, this monster who had taken upon itself to judge the world. Back in Ecuador, Johnston and Kim were still imprisoned at the site of Paul Delgatto’s murder. Kim was still pacing, and Johnston was still sitting serenely; this time his hands clasped in his lap as he thought back on his life. He wasn’t really sad that he was dying. After all, he had enjoyed a nice life. But what he wouldn’t stand for was this young rookie, with so much ahead of him to have his life cut short so soon. Johnston bolted up and walked towards Kim, grabbing him by the scruff of his collar and dragging him into the computer room. Johnston closed the door behind him and shoved Kim down into the chair behind the computer, and pulled up one himself beside him. “Get to work rookie. We’re gonna take back what’s rightfully ours.” Kim looked up at Johnston, puzzled at what he meant. “Our lives, dumbass.” Recognition flitted across Kim’s face as he began to type endlessly, a stream of words, lines, computer commands filling the screen. Row after row of green text upon a black background cast an eerie glow upon the two, while the incessant sound of Kim’s typing echoed around the room. “Done.” A smile grew on Kim’s face, as Johnston offered one himself, patting Kim on the back. The screen displayed a single flashing message, delivered straight into the priority message bank of the Pentagon. “Rebirth Project survivors, require assistance, in secret house in Ecuador…” The message continued to list their exact location, even the precise latitude and longitude of the house. Perhaps having that nerd around wasn’t so bad. After all, if it had been Johnston himself; there was no way he would have been able to hack the Pentagon’s system so easily, nonetheless encode a message like that. Several hours passed, and no rescue squad came for them. Kim grew angrier by the minute, resorting to methodically punching a wall until his knuckles started to bleed. Johnston had to eventually restrain Kim by force, expending energy needlessly wasn’t going to help them. Johnston trudged over to the trapdoor. He might as well try it again, there was nothing else left to do. He pushed tiredly against the door, and his eyes flew wide open. The door moved. Johnston pushed with all his might, each muscle in his body rippling from the exertion. “Rookie get your ass over here and help me!” Eventually, Johnston and Kim broke through the trapdoor and burst out into the house, the frigid night air bringing a welcome breeze and long forgotten breath of fresh air. Johnston and Kim ecstatically celebrated, grasping each other in joy; tears of happiness running down each others faces. When the celebrations finally stopped, Johnston froze. Kim continued to prance around in joy, but Johnston quickly grabbed him and shut him up; every bone in his body being chilled to the raw marrow. Noises. Or perhaps it was more appropriate to say; the lack thereof. Johnston and Kim stood perfectly still as they strained their ears and prayed to God that there please be some sort of noise, any sort of noise. Unfortunately for them, all that was being uttered in that dead town was the soft breathing of a pale white man, gliding towards the house without producing footsteps of any kind. End Chapter |
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| Rin | Sep 4 2008, 11:40 PM Post #22 |
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TOTALLY A MAN
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This is getting all the more chilling as it goes D= Origin is sick. Really. I still like the way this is written. But that ending...Cliffhangers suck =[ Keep writing~ |
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Av and Sig were definitely not made by Pendant or fez. | |
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| Masaki | Sep 4 2008, 11:50 PM Post #23 |
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The story is still interesting. Seems shorter than the last chapter. It didn't grip me as much as the last chapter so I'd be lying if I said it was better but its still very good. The decision to finally paint Origin as the clear cut antagonist will see some mixed opinions probably, me persoanlly, I like it. It gives the 2 heroes space to thrive in their role. Once again, you ended the chapter very well, I'll be looking forward to the next chapter. |
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| +Hollie | Sep 7 2008, 10:52 AM Post #24 |
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Resident Brit
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Must've missed this earlier. I don't like Origin being the clear-cut antagonist. I think it takes away greatly from the atmosphere of the writing; you were never sure which side was in the right. I would recommend keeping it a little more ambiguous. For example, if you changed the crimes of Johnson Thompson and Brian Romnell to more serious crimes (but still something people would go wtf at them being killed for it), it might keep it . . . I dunno. More tense. Yeah, I didn't enjoy this chapter nearly so much. |
Known as Haar on Brand of Flame. Bitch. Formerly Margaret Thatcher, Aleksandr | |
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| K' | Dec 16 2008, 09:25 PM Post #25 |
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PR
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Sorry for the long repose guys but I was really busy with a bunch of crap (school, college apps, etc.) and didn't find much time to write this. But; seeing as how most of that is all done and I'm on break soon, I will be continuing! So, here's the latest chapter! -------------- Chapter 4: Metaphorical Glue His Adam ’s apple bobbed up and down his neck as he forced his own saliva down his tightening throat. Sweat drops, glistening in the pale moonlight slid down his face, before becoming lost in the forest that was his stubble. Andrew Johnston quieted his breath as much as he could, fear pressing against his diaphragm. Fuck, we are so dead, fuck we are so dead. Those were the only thoughts running through Johnston’s head, all he could think of. His experience as a hardened soldier had given him the courage to take a slight peek out of a nearby window, but what awaited him was sheer horror. Everything was gone. This entire village in Ecuador, which although had not been the most well-off in terms of standard of living, nor was it the most bustling, but this entire village in Ecuador with a population of well over 2000 people… no longer existed. The horizon was the only thing that came into Johnston’s vision, and a quick scouring of the scenario proved his deepest fears. Their house was the only one remaining, and everything else in the village had somehow just… vanished. “This is why you don’t fucking mess with people!” Johnston swore under his breath, panicking. “God damn it! There was a reason I always hated science in school. It’s because people get too damn curious for their own sake and make things that can do things like this…” Johnston glanced over towards Kim, to see how the rookie was handling himself. The acrid stench of urine wafted its way over to Johnston as he noticed tears streaming down Kim’s face. He turned away in disgust as Kim to sob silently, his frame shaking as his chest convulsed. “I don’t want to die… I don’t want to die…” Johnston was revolted at how the army could admit such a fragile man, but Johnston understood what Kim was experiencing and empathized with the kid. This was his first field situation and he had been thrown into the bowels of Hell from the start. Johnston fumbled for his pistol, and gripped it tightly as if letting go meant letting go of his own life. He knew a gun would do little to harm Origin, it could change the molecular structure of the carbon within its own body to the plasticity of diamond. A bullet would do little to pierce the hardest substance on Earth. “I don’t want to die… I don’t want to die…” There it was. The house in which those who stood against him were residing. After this, everything would fall into place, and all those who opposed him would vanish. He glided towards the house, on soundless feet and almost no discernable breath. There he was, at the doorway, reaching for the doorknob. He paused for a moment, and then… The door swung open, and Johnston rolled to the side, letting off two shots before hoisting Kim onto his shoulders and making a mad dash for the window. He grit his teeth as Kim’s urine dripped down his arm, and leapt will as his might in an attempt to force his way through the glass pane and into the open. His body was slick with sweat as he seemed to fly towards the window in slow motion. He was afraid to look back, afraid to do anything except try to survive. “Please God, let us live through this!” “You called?” Johnston fell into a pair of smooth and oddly thick and hard arms, and he knew this could only mean one thing. He threw Kim to the ground and yelled at him to run, afraid to look up into the face of the one who had caught him, afraid that when he looked up, the last face he would see on Earth would be that of a monster. Johnston, never a religious man quickly crossed himself and whipped his pistol up towards the direction of the head of Origin and turned his head, his face in a vicious snarl. “Go to Hell you fucking monster!” Smoke. A small light at the end of an object unable to be discerned. It was too dark for that. The sound of an exhale as the light moves and shuffling noises are heard as someone gets up. “You almost gave me a fucking heart attack there Andrew.” There, standing before Andrew Johnston and Alexander Kim was Brian Romnell, battered and bloody, missing an eye and sporting a large gash down his face; but alive. His story of escape had already been explained, nothing too fancy or daring, but a simple fight for his life. Kim was sleeping soundly, propped against a tree, tear marks streaked his face, clearly visible after washing away some of the dust that had accumulated. Johnston was the one smoking the cigarette, his eyes glazed over as if he still couldn’t believe what had happened. “We should get some rest, Andrew.” So Johnston flicked his cigarette after one final drag, and took a spot next to Kim against the tree. Romnell was the first to keep watch and assured Johnston that in three hours, he would be woken up and Romnell would still be there. But of course, Johnston wasn’t that stupid. He knew how to fake sleep. And he would do so, observing Romnell throughout the night. He hadn’t forgotten that Origin had the ability to change appearances. Only a fool would trust Romnell immediately; and a fool Andrew Johnston wasn’t. So he fought off the exhaustion and kept a close eye on Romnell. One hour. Two. Then thirty minutes. Things seemed to be fine, Johnston had perfectly mastered the art of faking sleep, and there wasn’t a chance that if Romnell was really Origin, Johnston would be detected. Everything was looking splendid, and it appeared as if maybe, just maybe, they had a chance. So Johnston closed his eyes for what seemed like half a second, only to receive the rudest awakening of his life. “…Geroff me I haven’t slept at all yet Brian…” Johnston shoved away the body on top of him easily and turned around to get more comfortable… ”Why was that so easy to move?” Johnston bolted up and looked down, only to be met by a lifeless Brian Romnell. A stream of swear words spewed from his mouth as he shoved himself upwards and gathered his breath, only to lose it all in an instant. There he was, the monster Origin, with extended nails, sharpened with the toughness of diamond advancing on a sobbing, snot-faced Alexander Kim up against the tree. Oh the terror! Just to what extend could this monster modify his body’s own molecular substance! “Run you fucking moron, run!” Andrew Johnston shoved Kim out of the way, and hurled a mixture of insults and orders to flee for his life at the downed body. Kim continued to sob as he scrambled to his feet and made a dash for his dear life. Johnston turned to face the creature, fully prepared to die when he noticed the damn thing wasn’t even in front of him anymore. He looked up, behind him, and even under him but there was no sight of Origin. Johnston wildly flung his head from side to side until it finally came into his field of vision. It was after Kim. Johnston’s body was filled with cold fear as his body grew numb and paralyzed. “It’s like I don’t even exist to it…” he whispered under his breath. But why the rookie? Why Alexander Kim, what in the world could have spurred Origin to take pursuit of him? Perhaps it was some animalistic ideal that Origin could not let his current prey go. Johnston backed up against the tree and slid down until he was sitting and buried his face in his hands. He wasn’t crying, nor was his breathing labored. It was as if he had come to accept that there was nothing he could do. A piercing scream split the empty night air that provided the final stimulus to shatter Andrew Johnston’s already weakened mental state. He pounded his fists into the ground and howled into the dirt, the glue which had held his sanity together now gone. As much as he hated being paired with the rookie who couldn’t even fend for himself, the human connection and companionship was all that was keeping Andrew Johnston sane. The guttural animalistic howling continued until he could growl no more, until his throat scratched with pain and he was reduced to coughing. All he could do now was wait. Wait for that… thing to come back for him because now, Andrew Johnston was alone. All alone. End Chapter |
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| Rin | Dec 16 2008, 09:34 PM Post #26 |
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TOTALLY A MAN
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Wtf. Seriously, wtf. A few minor mistakes in grammar, but otherwise fine. Looking good, Mr Kang. Looking good. |
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Av and Sig were definitely not made by Pendant or fez. | |
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| +Hollie | Dec 17 2008, 04:24 PM Post #27 |
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Resident Brit
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This is either taking the piss out of those old narrators from 50's documentaries or just plain bad. You sound really sarcastic here and that completely takes away from the whole atmosphere of the chapter, which I enjoyed. Also, extent not extend. Oh yeah, and in the last part (maybe in other places too) you started four or five paragraphs in a row with "Andrew Johnston" and "Johnston". Switch things around a bit in the opening sentences and it'll look much better. Edited by Hollie, Dec 17 2008, 04:25 PM.
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Known as Haar on Brand of Flame. Bitch. Formerly Margaret Thatcher, Aleksandr | |
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| K' | Dec 18 2008, 12:48 AM Post #28 |
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PR
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Chapter 5: Codename… His hand fumbled within his pockets, searching for a cigarette to calm his nerves. He swore repeatedly as he came up empty each time, it appeared as though he had run out of those ‘cancer-sticks.’ He was standing, not sitting, and he gazed off into the distance where an acquaintance of his had just been killed. Andrew Johnston wasn’t even afraid, but more resigned to the idea of death. Glimmering hope which had been brought in the form of Brian Romnell was gone. Mental stability vanished when Alexander Kim had died. And now, that last shred of life that Andrew Johnston had clung so desperately too was about to flicker and die out as well. He would die, and alongside him would die the hopes of mankind for a chance to stop Origin and its plan of worldwide genocide. A deep breath, then another, he took in as much air as he could until he had to expel it all amidst a coughing riot. If he was going to die, he’d enjoy what tine he had left by partaking in all of the Earth’s wonders he could get his hands on, and in this expansive plateau it appeared all he could get his hands on was… air. Johnston walked over to Romnell’s corpse and closed his eyes in tribute, a liberty he had not taken in the rush of terror that had filled his body while Origin was in his presence. He laid him neatly and covered him with his jacket, offering one final salute to the man who had risked everything to come rescue his subordinates. Without breaking the salute, he turned towards the direction in which Private Alexander Kim had been murdered in the line of duty. He was unsure why he was saluting a hapless rookie so much lower then him, but Johnston felt it was the right thing to do, respecting Kim as a fellow soldier who had been thrown into the war against Origin much too soon. “Poor bastard. You were too young to die.” The bottoms of his feet were stained crimson, from standing in the pool of blood that had seeped from the body of Alexander Kim. His nails were tinted a dull red as well, the weapons of choice in which he had killed the young solider. Pity? No. Perhaps more of a melancholy sorrow. After all, killing the young man had not fallen under his plan. And oh how it saddened him when he didn’t stick to his plan. All it meant was that meaningless death after meaningless death had to be stacked upon each other. He stood tall and turned face, heading back to the spot where he had left the other soldier. He could only imagine what was going through the head of that solider now, but he was certain it wasn’t what awaited the man. That silhouette! He could just make it out, but it was definitely the figure of Origin. His breath caught in his chest as a chill ran down his spine, the fear that had waned now returning in full force. Andrew Johnston was rooted to the spot, almost as if he had given himself up to the execution. “Man, I had so much I still wanted to do,” he said to himself, laughing shakily. His breathing was ragged and irregular, and his voice cracked several times. Ironic, if not in this situation Johnston could’ve been made out to be some adolescent trying to ask out his first girlfriend. Just pathetic, anger filled his body as he shook his head. This was just pathetic, he was a mere shell of the former proud soldier he once was. “Fuck, this sucks.” Johnston smiled wryly as Origin drew closer and closer, every muscle in his body slowly tightening, as if bracing for impact or to mount a possible counter-offense. But Johnston knew both paths were fruitless. No matter what he did, he was a dead man. But then, Origin just passed him. Johnston spun wildly and knitted his brow in frustration, and yelled towards the retreating pale figure, balling his fists in anger. Never before had he been so callously dismissed! He was less than an ant to the damned thing, and his pride wouldn’t let him just stand down and take this humiliation. “Come on, fucking fight me you monster!’ Johnston roared at the top of his lungs, chest heaving from desperation, tension, and terror all balled up into one package of mortal man. “You’ll go after Kim but not me? Come on you bitch fight me!” ”And why exactly should I? Are you so eager to lose your life?” Recoiling in shock, Johnston stumbled backwards. The voice was in his head. It appeared as though the… thing had communicated through telepathy. But shock quickly grew into a greater anger, bordering rage. Johnston realized why Origin had used this method. So he wouldn’t have to turn face, so he could continue walking away and still manage to talk. The damned thing was refusing to acknowledge Andrew, even as it talked to him. ”You’re not part of the plan. There’s no reason for you to die, you’re not one of those that need to be judged.” “And just what the hell are you spouting? I saw what Kim didn’t see, I know your damn list of judgment entails pretty much the whole population of the world you sick piece of shit!” Surprise, almost humor emanated from the pristine voice in Johnston’s head. ”You saw that? Oh, no wonder you’re so angry. I do have a large amount of tools to imply that I am all you accuse me of being. It mainly serves the purpose to bring those that really do need to vanish to me. I’m quite sorry you had to see that list. “What the fuck…” Johnston whispered. It was as if someone had knocked the wind out of him and sucked all life from his body. The thing he had thought of as a monster for so long… was almost human. Maybe more human than anybody he had ever met. How?! He had been there, he had seen the things done to the creature, and how could anybody retain such sanity after that treatment?! ”I only remove those who oppose my ideals alongside those who need to be removed. Those tainted with sins unforgivable, for I am God and as God I will bring the promised land to humanity. Do you still desire my death, Andrew Johnston?” “That’s just as bad as what I thought,” Johnston forced through clenched teeth. “All you’re doing is forcing your own fucking ideals on other people. I hate things like you with a passion. Human? God? No, I was fucking wrong and so are you. All you are is a fucking demon!” Origin halted as dust streaked across Andrew Johnston’s face from a sudden gust of wind, causing him to squint his eyes and shield his face. Slowly, centimeter by centimeter, inch by inch, Origin turned to face Andrew Johnston, his face calm and complacent. It began to stride towards him, and Johnston froze up once again, faced with the creature that had haunted his nightmares for a good while after the Rebirth Project incident. The face belied the true monster. Johnston’s head pounded as limitless anger ripped through his skull. He wanted to cry out in pain, run away, anything; but he was rooted to the spot, unable to move. He was face to face with Origin, who was roaring at Johnston through telepathy. ”A demon?! Me?! You have the nerve to call me that, after seeing what they did to me? I experienced things no individual should ever have to experience in ten lifetimes! Me… individual? No, I do you wrong Mr. Johnston. I am not singular; I am the aggregate of all human suffering and knowledge, I have transcended humanity to be the people’s Savior. You are not worth my time.” Origin turned faced and took one, two, three steps from Andrew Johnston before a horrible creaking noise began to persist. The monster’s head turned, his pale flesh twisting as the head turned an entire 360 degrees, a twisted smile on its face as it spoke in that voice, both personal and omnipotent, serene yet hateful. “But I’m going to enjoy killing you slowly.” Warmth. Warmth from the abdomen down. A solitary drip, followed by numerous others, increasing in tempo. A pool of red, and a face reflected. A shaking hand, a gasp of pain, a cough. Blood spurts from the mouth and the incision, a voice speaks. “Y-you’re!” “Long time no see.” The knife plunges further into the pale flesh. “Looks like you held out pretty well, First Lieutenant.” Blood pours from the wound, and from the orifice of the mouth. “Private Alexander Kim, reporting for duty sir.” The knife is drawn out, a horrendous plunging noise. “Codename, Genesis.” End Chapter |
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| Rin | Dec 18 2008, 12:57 AM Post #29 |
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TOTALLY A MAN
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What. The. DAMN YOU, KIM! DAMN YOU TO HELL! Wtf that was gay. Although I did have a feeling it was him XD A few grammar/punctuation errors, but ok in terms of that anyway. Some things are a little unclear in terms of plot flow and such, but whatever. Good work, Mr Kang. |
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Av and Sig were definitely not made by Pendant or fez. | |
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| +Hollie | Dec 19 2008, 07:15 AM Post #30 |
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Resident Brit
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Woah. This chapter was much better. Awesome. But you killed off my favourite character dammit!
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Known as Haar on Brand of Flame. Bitch. Formerly Margaret Thatcher, Aleksandr | |
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3:08 PM Nov 23
