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| Seasonal War's Saga; My most recent work | |
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| Topic Started: Sep 23 2008, 01:13 PM (128 Views) | |
| Serene | Sep 23 2008, 01:13 PM Post #1 |
 
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This is a series of six stories. About 24 parts in each with 4 chapters. Here's the preivew I did when I began Wind of the End the first Part. I have the First book Wind of the End, and almost all the first chapter of Wind of the Gods up on Serenes Forest, the other site I go to. I'll just post a link in this post to the story so far. And plan to update with actual story here when I can update, usually about every other day, or everyday depending on howmuch free time I have in school to think. Here's the Preivew I have felt the future, the wind it see's tells me my time is here, the meaning is coming, my life will be decided in the snow, the wind, and the fire. Humans will die, lies will be untied from the worlds. And the season's will burn. And I Amanda Wynn Telsa, or Wynn if you chose. Will be the one that will save the entire human race from the newest threat. Though I know the consequence of my actions, and my fate before it begins. Wind of the End I'll get the link in a minute. Seasonal Saga up to Wind of the Gods Chapter 1 Part 6 |
Avitar owned by a Princess Kilvas Brawl ID: Wynn Brawl FC: 3652-2034-7284 | |
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| Nick | Sep 23 2008, 02:53 PM Post #2 |
Brit
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In normal posting, I try not to take exception to this any more, but in prose... you really need to sort your grammar out. I've only looked over your preview, but there are a number of errors which I wouldn't want to have to deal with in a lengthier text. There's an unnecessary apostrophe in "see's"; also in "season's"; it's "choose" not "chose" in "if you choose"; there shouldn't be a period after "choose", use a comma instead; perhaps the same after "threat". |
| jesus somebody get onto msn | |
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| Serene | Sep 23 2008, 02:55 PM Post #3 |
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Thanks but you should know. I post all my story on a Nintendo Wii so I have no spell checker I do write it on a computer before I type it but sometimes I can't notice things. |
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Avitar owned by a Princess Kilvas Brawl ID: Wynn Brawl FC: 3652-2034-7284 | |
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| +Hollie | Sep 23 2008, 03:23 PM Post #4 |
Resident Brit
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What Nick said. I also notice you do is a couple of other times, as well as typoing words such as 'were' (wree, iirc). That' s really just superficial, however. I think a worse problem is with the narration. Bearing in mind I've only read the first part (it's incredibly short, by the way - there are so many things you could have expanded on in that scene), I feel like you're throwing background information at us. For example, Wynn wakes up from a dream . . . and then you give us some details about her planet? Nothing about how the dream made her feel, whether she's had it before, her reacclimatising to her room, etc. If you want to put some information about her planet in, I suggest you do it a bit more . . . subtly. I also noticed you threw in Wynn's description quite randomly. I notice you also switch tenses a little in some sentences. Personally, I find the biggest turn-off to be the lack of description, or any sort of substance, in your chapters/parts. I can understand if you want to get to the action quickly, but you should be taking time to describe Wynn's surroundings, how she's feeling . . . things like that. So yeah, my advice would be to go over what you already written and embellish it. A lot. It would also be a good opportunity to correct any grammar or spelling errors - sometimes they're so subtle you don't notice, but a lot of the time you're able to pick them up in the reading. And, if you're not sure on your grammar on occasions, I'd be happy to give you a few pointers via PM or something. >>; Sorry for the tl;dr . . . |
Known as Haar on Brand of Flame. Bitch.  Formerly Margaret Thatcher, Aleksandr | |
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| Serene | Sep 23 2008, 03:29 PM Post #5 |
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Well thanks everyone, and yeah I'll do your lengthening suggestion. I've actually gotten better at this then I was when I started writing stories a few years ago. Also as for my gramar and spelling problem. See above |
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Avitar owned by a Princess Kilvas Brawl ID: Wynn Brawl FC: 3652-2034-7284 | |
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| +Hollie | Sep 23 2008, 03:35 PM Post #6 |
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Resident Brit
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That's little excuse to lacklustre grammar, IMO. A spellcheck isn't neccesary to change things, although it does make noticing them easier. |
Known as Haar on Brand of Flame. Bitch. Formerly Margaret Thatcher, Aleksandr | |
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| Serene | Sep 23 2008, 03:37 PM Post #7 |
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Yeah your right. I think I know what to do to help in that department. Maybe I should write for a week, checking constantly everyday for as many errors as I can and only post what I have once a week. Sounds to me like the best option. Any other suggestions |
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Avitar owned by a Princess Kilvas Brawl ID: Wynn Brawl FC: 3652-2034-7284 | |
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| Rin | Sep 24 2008, 02:13 AM Post #8 |
TOTALLY A MAN
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I agree with both Nick and Hollie. It's short. It's obviously unedited. Firstly, as the other two have pointed out, your grammar is...well y'know. All I'll say on the matter, as it seems rather self-explanatory, is that I'm nothing short of flabbergasted that you managed to make so many grammatical errors for that much text. I'm not trying to be rude or the like, but did you not edit this before you committed it to a thread for public observation? Suggestion: do what Psio (another member of this forum) does and get someone to read over it with you and pick out any silly mistakes. Everyone makes them, so there's really no harm in it. As previously stated again, your story lacks description. By whatever tone I picked up from reading this, you really want to portray it as a fast-paced piece, right? That's great. Fast-paced stories are more exciting. However, you need to understand that good stories balance pace and description. The action means nothing if there's no background or detail to the scene. It's tricky, of course, but it's definitely the preferred structure. That doesn't go to say you lack detail of any form. You certainly do express some. Unfortunately, sometimes it seems totally random and somehow detached from the actual piece. I mean of course it's nice to know where Wynn lives and learning the history of the place, but there must be a better way to smoothly inject that information so the plot still runs without feeling broken. Alternatively, you can create a different style than most writers and insert that sort of information in fake footnotes, like Jorge Luis Borges. Borges wrote short stories, nothing like your fic, but his use of fake footnotes was clever and unique. I feel like I'm rambling and probably making you feel bad so I'm gonna stop there with the most pressing issues. I'm glad you'll continue to write, actually. I'd like to read the revisited version. |
 Av and Sig were definitely not made by Pendant or fez. | |
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9:56 PM Nov 28
