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Jugdral Monthly News [September]; still not to be taken too seriously
Topic Started: Sep 3 2009, 11:19 AM (110 Views)
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Jugdral Monthly News
September Edition

Brought to you by Noddy the Immortal Bartender
Sponsored by The Tavern Co.





This Month!

• Unit of the Month - exclusive interview with Maxime [page 2]
• News from the Front - what’s changing in politics? [page 3 and 4]
• Controversial Figure: Emperor Brahms - the ruler of Grandbell talks about the war [page 5]
• Questing - the who, what, where and how many [page 6]
• Rumours & Gossip [page 6]
• Weather Report [page 7]




But first... a message from our sponsor!

Hello there!

This is the second issue of Jugdral Monthly News! Sorry for the late publication, but there’s a fight going on right outside my window and it’s somewhat distracting... ah well, I haven’t had to spend my breaks beating up protestors, so it’s worth it.

Enjoy this month’s publication... I’d love to see more member submissions next month. Anyway, Iago is still busy slaughtering undead, so I’m taking over for this month. Quite the workload...

Yours,
Noddy the Immortal Bartender
CEO of The Tavern Co.




Jugdral's Unit of the Month

Maxime, Level 3 Axe Armour of Thracia
“Maxime chomps his dick off”
Manliest unit on the continent
Participated in... er... that fight in the middle of the desert? Where is that...

Feeling apprehensive about interviewing someone nominated “for the lulz” (note to self: work out what the hell ‘lulz’ is), I, Noddy the Immortal Bartender nevertheless ventured into a warzone territory to interview Maxime.

The Interview
 
Noddy: To start off, tell us a bit about yourself.

Maxime: I'M MAXIME. I SMASH THING. ONE TIME, I ATE A BEAVER. IT WAS LIKE, "NO DON'T EAT ME, I HAVEN'T BEEN COOKED!", BUT I WAS LIKE "I believe you would be good eating raw, so I believe I shall devour you." AND I ATE IT. IT GAVE ME GAS. Did you know that "maxime chomps his dick off" is a very versatile phrase?

Noddy: Er... so, is that your catchphrase, then?

Maxime: I DUNNO WHERE IT CAME FROM. I BELIEVE IT WAS SAID BY THE FATHER OF TIME, THE TRUE LORD AND MASTER OF THIS WORLD. OR MAYBE MAXIME THE FIRST, MY ANSESTOR SAID IT RANDOMLY SOMETIME. APPARENTLY I'M ALOT LIKE HIM. (Maxime vomits all over floor) HE HIT THINGS RATHER HARD TOO.

ANYWAY, THAT PHRASE IS HILARIOUS.

Noddy: Yes... anyway, how do you feel about being Unit of the Month?

Maxime: UNIT OF MONTH MEANS THAT I FUCKED THOSE LITTLE BASTARDS UP. YOU KNOW, THOSE GUYS WHO I HIT? I GOT 22 FUCKING ATTACK AT LEVEL 3. OH MY GOD.

Noddy: Can you give us any insight into the Yied-Thracia war?

Maxime: THE PRINCE WAS BORED ONE DAY, AND WANTED TO GO KILL STUFF. SO THEN I VOMITED ALL OVER THE FLOOD, AND IT LOOKED LIKE YIED. SO REACH WAS ALL LIKE "Hmm Yied, eh? Those people don't sit well with me, with those ridiculous tolls they charge. You are surprisingly full of good ideas, Maxime." NOT MY FAULT. BUT THE FUCKING HOT DESERT IS FUN.

WHEN WE GOT OUT THERE, THERE WAS THIS ONE FAT CHICK, WHO WAS TRYING TO AVOID ME, BUT I WENT AND KNOCKED HER OUT. FAT CHICK, I APOLOGIZE FOR LEAVING YOU AS A BLOODY PULP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT. IT ISN'T MY FAULT. I MEAN, IT WAS ME WHO BEAT YOU DOWN, BUT I WOULD HAVE DONE THAT TO PRETTY MUCH ANYONE. ITS WHAT I DO.

Noddy: No would have been a much shorter answer ...Maybe you should write her a letter?

Maxime: DID. I THINK. I PROBABLY DID. SHE RESPONDED SAYING SOMETHING LIKE "I got my ass whooped by you and you are so manly, I wish I could defect to Thracia since you are so manly, and then I'd lose alot of weight for you, since you are so manly." DID YOU KNOW HER SISTER IS AFRAID OF ME?

ONE THING I WANT TO SAY THOUGH. ONE TIME I MET A CHEESE. IT WAS GOOD. I LIKE, ATE IT. IT GAVE ME GAS.

Noddy: ...I think this is a really good time to end this interview. Thanks for your time, Maxime.


...I certainly hope that provided you all with “lulz”, because this reporter didn’t enjoy it too much.

Send your suggestions for October’s “Unit of the Month” in a PM to Judge Hollie, Member #801, The Tavern Journalistic Society, The Tavern. And this time, maybe for some reason other than “the lulz”?

Rules:
#1 - You can’t nominate yourself.
#2 - You can’t nominate someone who won’t show up.
#3 - You can’t nominate someone without giving a reason. Iago really doesn’t like this and he will probably kill you. Assuming he’s back then.

Get nominating! ...Not for the lulz.




News From the Front
Contributed by Judge Sentenal

Welcome to the News From the Front column. Here we discuss and report upon the current major events around Jugdral, such as the wars and alliances formed between nations.

Battle of Barhara

As was reported last month, Miletos assaulted the capitol of Grandbell at Barhara. Fighting was intense between Grandbell and her allies, and Miletos' invading forces. Initially, it seemed as if the Gods were on Grandbell's side, with Grandbell coming out on top during the first battles. Miletos, however, has shown that they are willing to think outside of the box with their tactics.

Miletos went into a tactical retreat after losing in a straight up battle with Grandbell's forces. The Defenders didn't seem to know what to make of their retreat, and simply stayed their ground. They were clearly in a situation where they were at the advantage, and didn't want to jeopardize their position. However, this played into Miletos' hand, as they rounded a ridge to the East of Barhara, and came out behind the Grandbell's army, and took up defensive positions outside of the city itself.

It was here that Grandbell made a key mistake. Experts here at Jugdral Monthly News say most ideal choice would to have been to fight a war of attrition, seeing as how an Invading army would not be able to hold out long without supplies, deep in enemy territory, surrounded by enemies. Grandbell, perhaps out of impatience, or perhaps over-estimating their own fighting power, attacked Miletos' position with their full force. Miletos would reap the most benefit from this, as each side ended up with few fighting units, and their healer. With no end in sight for a battle like this, both sides agreed to settle the battle with a duel. The duel would be between Lord Askio of Miletos, and the sword fighter Raphael. Askio defeated Raphael in single combat, and with that, the rights to the city.

Currently, Emperor Brahms is gathering his forces for a counter attack, to try and retake the city. Miletos' army has been resupplied, and is preparing for combat as well.

Grandbell's defeat on the battlefield is not the only setback they have suffered. Silesia has entered the war on the side of Miletos. They are preparing their forces to attack the city of Freege. This will put Grandbell in a tricky situation. Not only do they will they have to try to drive Miletos out of Barhara, but they will have to defend their lands in Freege as well.

And as if that wasn't enough, Agustria has broken off their alliance with Grandbell. This reporter believes it to be due to the conduct of Brahms, and how he has handled the war and affairs of state. Agustria is now offering their warriors to be hired out as mercenaries, to both sides, similar to Thracia. Verdane, however, still remains at Grandbell's side. This relationship has recently been strained as well, but it seems to have survived for the moment. Brahms has been said to have become "mentally unstable" recently, and is receiving treatment.

The Desert War

Since last month, the war between Thracia and Yied has advanced some, but fighting is till going on around Darna. Prince Reach of Thracia lead his army into Yied, with some Agustrian support, and besieged the city. Initially, there was not much fighting, only each army attempting to out position the other, in hopes of either baiting a strike, or launching a crippling blow. In this time, the Prince Reach lead a raid that burned down and looted the a village on the outskirts of the city. Fighting began soon enough, however.

The attack was spear-headed by Maxime, Terror on Wheels. As his name implies, although the Warrior can cover distances extremely fast, despite his size, much to Yied's dismay. Clotho, Yied's primary Healer, fell to this Blitz. With Yied being left without a healer, the rest of the Thracian Army charged, trying to deal as much damage as possible, with little regard to their own safety, as they still had a healer. While the merits of this plan may be questionable, it left Yied in a bad position in the battle. Reach and Cyrus were defeated in the counter attack, but not before inflicting damage upon Yied's forces. Perhaps the most remarkable thing to have happened in Yied's counter attack, was the survival of Meilana, the support unit of the Thracian Army.

The Thracian Army would smash most of what is left of Yied's defenders. Even King Tyranus was defeated, leaving few warrior's on Yied's side left. Yied is now attempting to regroup, and form final defensive fortifications around the Darna itself. However, currently Thracia greatly outnumbers the defenders, and still has a healer, so the odds are certainly in Thracia's favor. Yied hope's their final stand at the city gates will hold off the invaders, but if they do not, the city will fall to Thracia.

Other News

Few other events have happened in the world since last month. Miletos proposed a Non-Aggression Pact with Agustria, upon hearing of Agustria pulling out of their alliance with Grandbell. However, Agustria declined, and stated their neutrality in the war, and their willingness to hire out mercenaries to both sides.

Agustria and Verdane also entered into a formal alliance.

Current Alliances (this part added by Noddy the Immortal Bartender)

Grandbell-Verdane - though it’s looking rather an unstable one at the moment
Silesia-Miletos - Silesia is apparently preparing to launch an attack on Grandbell, forcing Emperor Brahms into a two-front war
Miletos-Manster - not much to say for this one
Agustria-Manster - or this one
Isaac-Manster - or this one either
Agustria-Verdane - hmm... this could prove interesting in the future. I wonder what these “common goals” are?




Controversial Figure: Emperor Brahms
Contributed by Noddy the Immortal Bartender

...And now, we talk to Emperor Brahms about the war and recent developments in politics.

Interview
 
Noddy: Hello, Emperor. How do you feel the war is proceeding so far?

Brahms: Not in my favor. The victory Miletos gained at Barhara did not sit well with me. And now I've got some annoying bastard named Silesia who is declaring war on me. But they are not the real threat. Miletos is. And once I take my castle back, I will take care of Silesia.

Noddy: Hmm... would you ever be willing to pursue peace?

Brahms: Perhaps. If Miletos ended its false crusade to 'liberate' Grandbell, then maybe I shall show them mercy.

Noddy: (raises eyebrows) So, how do you feel about Agustria's recent ending of your alliance?

Brahms: That was their choice, but I say it was bullshit. Verdane has no problem with being my ally so I see no reason why Agustria would. As was said earlier, they should have known from the start what kind of person I am so why would they be so surprised when I announced that holiday and what it involved?

Noddy: You've recieved much criticism lately for your planned "holiday". What do you have to say to this?

Brahms: It seemed to upset many but that only means they have a weak stomach. Someone even said it was barbaric or sadistic but what one would call barbaric I would call normal. Thats just how I am.

Noddy: Right. Lastly, any comment on the recent "apology" issued to Verdane and Agustria?

Brahms: My diplomat needs to consult me when he does such things. I do regret what I've done only because it resulted in losing Agustria as an ally. I will try to control myself from now on but if anyone is offended with what I do then thats their problem.

Noddy: Thanks for speaking with us, Emperor.


I think that speaks for itself, don’t you? Emperor Brahms isn't helping his popularity any, I think.

What’s YOUR opinion on this war, readers? Write in at our usual address, and we’ll gladly include your comments in next month’s issue of the Jugdral Monthly News!




Questing
Contributed by Judge Hollie

A lot of the focus has been on the wars this month, so the quests have been kept to a minimum. Oh, and two Agustrian units got our first support... although it’s still currently in progress.

The High Captain
Orgahil, Orgahil
Participants: Heather, Rhapsody and Katherine of Agustria, Zoey of Agustria, Celandine of Isaac (on Captain Taeryl’s side), Vallis, Kafka and Dez of Manster, Stayvon, Jackolyn and Shane of Silesia and Reis, Will and Claudia of Yied (on Captain Rethnor’s side).
Concerned for the unstable nature of Orgahil - bad enough at the best of times - it was unanimously decided on the continent that it was time to get involved... only they couldn’t quite reach an agreement on which side to join. This led to an awkward confrontation between the Agustrian and Manster units, although Agustria has made several apologies and it doesn’t seem to have unduly affected country relations. Captain Taeryl now holds sway on Orgahil. In other news, there has been a surprising lack of pirate attacks on Agustria’s coast for the past few weeks...

Trouble in Chalphy
Chalphy, Grandbell
Participants: Lokii and Ambyr of Isaac, Liese and Aurenia of Agustria, Kanae and Britt of Silesia, Simon and Adrienne of Agustria.
With the war between Grandbell and Miletos going on, there were no units to spare to deal with this bunch of bandits. Probably just as well for Grandbell and Miletos, because they had a fucking dragon. It was only a very small dragon, but still. Bandits. With. A dragon. Now will somebody kindly tell me how that happened? ...And why the dragon was called Trogdor?

Lastly, special mention must go to the group fighting outside my offices. They aren’t doing too good a job right now, but at least they’re trying. And I did promise them a special mention. So, a thank you to:

Remus and Amara of Manster
Nailanya of Miletos
Celandine and Gabriel of Isaac
Kettrick and Zoey of Agustria
Katherine of Agustria




Rumours & Gossip
Brought to you by The Tavern Journalistic Society

Who are the Black Talon?
Status: this is a rumour?
Whispers have been heard in some corners of the continent about a mysterious group known as the ‘Black Talon’. Little more than this is known right now, but they seem to be gathering in strength. Their member base is apparently extensive, but nobody is quite sure just how many of these ‘Black Talon’ there are.
The Tavern’s comments: This is troubling, but at the moment barely qualifies as a rumour. Statements about the Black Talon vary wildly - the only thing the stories have in common is the name. We advise our readers to take caution, but this probably shouldn’t be taken too seriously.

Captain Rethnor survived the skirmish in Orgahil.
Status: Unconfirmed.
Exactly what it sounds like. There are some in Silesia who claim to have seen Rethnor passing through, fleeing from Orgahil and Taeryl’s pirates.
The Tavern’s comments: It could be true, but we hear that the body left in Orgahil is really rather convincing. More information is needed before we can make any sort of judgment on this. Right now, we’re of the opinion it’s probably not true.

That’s all we have this month. If you heard any rumours or idle chitchat that sounds interesting, send a PM to Judge Hollie, Member #801, The Tavern Journalistic Society, The Tavern. To confirm or deny, that is our mission!




Weather Report: September
Brought to you by the Seer

Agustria: The weather doesn't get better-- it gets worse. Thunderstorms and severe winds (43 mph) head your way. Temperatures also drop. Expect delays in letter deliveries.
Grandbell: Skies remain clear, but temperatures fall to about 45°F (7°C).
Isaac: The weather clusterfuck that hit Thracia now seems to head your way. Thunderstorms, hail, and a tornado is in your future. Temperatures also drop. Make sure that tea party is held inside!
Manster: You get a hurricane. I hope no one intends to fly in winds reaching 104 mph. Thracia should also steer clear, if they can. Temperatures drop to 38°F (3°C).
Miletos: It gets warmer! Temperatures are around 57°F (13°C). The weather remains fair throughout September.
Orgahil: Winds die down, temperatures rise to 57°F (13°C). Things look nice for the pirate hole.
Silesia: Expect snowstorms, sleet, and severe cold. Temperatures drop to -10°F (-24°C) and winds are expected to be at 32 mph. I hope the warriors in Silesia are bundled up.
Thracia: A thunderstorm greets your lands, but it may be considered a relief compared to the egg mother nature dropped on you last month. Temperatures are normal for this time of year, but winds reach 45 mph.
Verdane: Verdane gets showers, but with fairly little wind. Temperatures at 50°F.
Yied: Yied gets some relief. The weather completely normalizes, and temperatures drop significantly. They won't go higher than 81°F (27°C). Rejoice! For now.

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MSN
 
Wirtjr, Speaker for the Dead says: "Be good, because if you're not, Arick will come down that chimney instead of Santa, and instead of toys he has choloroform, a hacksaw, and a burlap sack."
MSN... again
 
Wirtjr, Speaker for the Dead says: I'm a horrible rolemodel.
HØ¿¿¥ says: I'll take extra care not to blow my neighbourhood up, I promise
Wirtjr, Speaker for the Dead says: Also don't jam forks in strange orifices.
Wirtjr, Speaker for the Dead says: ...Wait, that didn't come out right
Known as Haar on Brand of Flame. Bitch.
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I will probably have an addition comic next month as well. Contact Hollie or myself if you would like to make a comic of the Monthly News.
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