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| Topic Started: Oct 7 2009, 06:07 PM (80 Views) | |
| old dog | Oct 7 2009, 06:07 PM Post #1 |
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Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb. "No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!" One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realized she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled: "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!" |
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| old dog | Nov 3 2009, 07:31 PM Post #2 |
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The perfect man and woman ! CLICK HERE sorry this didnt work Edited by old dog, Nov 3 2009, 07:32 PM.
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| old dog | Nov 7 2009, 06:19 PM Post #3 |
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An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds'. When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs. 'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?. The Irishman nodded... 'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day'. 'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor. 'No, from the f**kin' skippin!' |
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| old dog | Nov 10 2009, 05:46 PM Post #4 |
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The $2 pencil... The value of a Catholic education and a $2 pencil (this is too cute)!....You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one. Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School .. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?' When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, ' Very good ' and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?' But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt with the pencil. Jesus Christ !!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question... What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? ' Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that f***#@^ thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!' The nun fainted. |
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| old dog | Nov 21 2009, 02:57 PM Post #5 |
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All Seniors Aren't Senile!!! An older, white haired man walked into a Jewelry store one Friday evening with a Beautiful young thing at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000' the jeweler said.. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said. Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.. 'There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend...' |
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| old dog | Nov 21 2009, 03:08 PM Post #6 |
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A couple were invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." - "Did you dance much ?" - "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..... |
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| old dog | Nov 22 2009, 02:09 PM Post #7 |
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Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles,Turner Brown." The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around" |
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| old dog | Nov 23 2009, 08:07 PM Post #8 |
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The Vicar's Salary At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular. Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Salford and Oldham, stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Ford every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!' The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, 'If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!' More sighs and loud applause. Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.' There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?' Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F**k him'. |
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| old dog | Nov 23 2009, 08:11 PM Post #9 |
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Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married.... If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humour. The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT! The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh f**k.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted. |
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7:16 PM Nov 28
