- July 26, 2005
- Miss Elise
Enforced Male Chastity: Questions about Orgasm Denial
Q. Elise, It sounds as if you have the ideal FEMDOM sex life. Honestly, I think you should do a book on this, since you are so well versed about expressing yourself in print. Many women live similar lives, but do not write well about their personal feelings. I think you owe it to the next female generation to expound on all of your beliefs and practices. For instance, how would you respond to this question?
What do you get personally from depriving your husband from what many men think of as their inherent right (namely frequent orgasms)? Can you put it into words for other women to understand? Does it make you feel the ultimate in female superiority? Does your husband get a great deal of pleasure out of bringing you pleasure?
A. Thanks for the kind words. I would love to write a book someday about this lifestyle and gear it to young women. That is one of my future goals. If you know of a good publisher, let me know. Now on to your questions.
There is an evolution that takes place within most women as they experiment with this lifestyle. Most women start out timid and unsure about this lifestyle. Then once they begin to overcome their inhibitions and embrace the dominant side of their personality, they begin to love being dominant and controlling. Over time, the Doms appetite grows and she hungers for more control and more power. Denying a man orgasms is a real power rush. Women who practice this lifestyle will eventually learn that a sexually satisfied man is a selfish man but a denied man is an obedient man.
Men are much easier to control and dominate when you deny them orgasms. Plus, it makes the entire FemDom lifestyle more pleasurable for the man if he is denied and sexually frustrated. Once a man climaxes, he experiences a letdown and his enthusiasm to serve the female is greatly diminished. To many submissive men, they love the power exchange of being denied while being forced to pleasure the superior female as often as she demands. As far as I go, I do get excited by the thought of having such total control over my husband that I can eliminate his orgasms. We have a saying around our house, "Sex is for the woman's pleasure." We practice it and the denial process makes this a reality.
Does it make me feel the ultimate in Female superiority? Yes but it only works because the submissive man enjoys the power exchange as well. You could never deny a man that wasn't excited about female supremacy and female domination. I feed off of the submissive male's excitement and submission. My husband desires to surrender to me and I seize upon his desire and thus I begin to desire it more. I just love the thrill of knowing that my husband would rather give me pleasure than receive pleasure. It makes me feel very powerful and sexual. He has been trained so that his fulfillment is in knowing that I am being fulfilled. I can tell that he is troubled if my moans of ecstasy are not what they normally are. He gets much personal satisfaction in pleasing his Queen, which is how it should be.
Q. Dear Ms Sutton, I recently discovered your web site, and I think it is fantastic. I am a married submissive male. My wife is not (yet) using any corporal means of punishing me,(although I want her too)! Our relationship over the past year has, however, been strengthened by two elements: Chastity and cuckolding. Because of my insatiable masturbation habit, she agreed last year(at my request, believe it or not) to lock me into a CB 2000. We played with it on and off, but she now has decided I am to wear it 24\7\365, except when she wants to use my penis, or when she wants to clean my penis, and the chastity device. I am not allowed to touch my penis - even is she removes the device. Ever.
My wife also enjoys having a lover now and then - one in particular has become our friend, and she has seen him (with me present) about a dozen times over the past 8 months or so. While we have never discussed chastity or cuckolding with him, surely he notices that I no longer participate - (this started off as swinging). He is, of course, hung much larger than me- by a very wide margin, and she does LOVE having sex with him. It is humiliating, yet very exciting, and I love seeing my wife SO HAPPY. We are VERY VERYcarelful about this activity, and SELECTIVE. In fact, this combination - cuckolding and chastity -has made her happier than I have ever seen her. She says she loves me more when I am kept chaste, and that I really act different - very unpleasant - after I have been allowed to orgasm. And the more I masturbate, the more she can't stand me. So I agreed to wear the device at all times. I have no idea where the key is hidden, and unlike some men, I really would have a difficult time getting this thing off.
I am always horny, but she is correct - the longer I am chaste, the more submissive I become. So I am happy because she is happy, and I do get to provide her with oral sex - which she says is far better than anything my penis ever accomplished. I also use her collection of dildos to make her happy. Between this, and her occasional trysts with her lover, she honestly doesn't seem to need my penis to satisfy her, and leaves me locked for long periods of time.
My question (finally!) is this: Do you think there are health risks (prostrate?) to long term chastity? Are you aware of any studies suggesting that a male needs to ejaculate regularly to maintain health? It is my only concern regarding my long term chastity. I have gone as long as 60 days, and I have a feeling I'll be denied for even longer this time. Thanks for any help you can give and I appreciate any comments you have on my marriage. Since she took control - and since I gave it up - we love each other more and more - our marriage is better than it ever has been. I hope she will adopt some of the ideas from your web site......Thanks.
A. You are one very fortunate man to have such a dominant and lovely wife. There are lots of men out there who would love to be married to such a woman as your wife, so make sure you never take her for granted. If she was open to the chastity and cuckolding, I am sure she will be open to the idea of disciplining you. Just give her time to grow into it at her own pace. If she is so happy, make sure that you don't do anything that would make her unhappy.
As far as your question goes, it really depends on the male. When you were denied for sixty days, did you experience any major discomfort when you were locked in the CB2000? A lot of men complain about their balls hurting them and some have even said that their balls went numb. I think the key to the CB2000 is how close the man's balls hang down. The closer the balls are to the penis, the more uncomfortable the CB2000 is. It sounds like your balls hang low enough that you can wear the CB2000 for a prolonged period of time without any problems. I know men that wear the CB2000 all of the time with no long term health problems.
Does your wife plan to permanently deny you? Will you ever be allowed to orgasm again? Your question seemed to imply that you are going to be denied for longer than 60 days. I would advise that she allow you a supervised orgasm at least once every two to three months to clean out your plumbing. I am sure that you get aroused often watching her with her lover and providing her with oral servitude. Do you seep semen from your penis when you get aroused? Does it burn when you urinate when you are being denied for long periods of time? If you answer No to these questions, then you sound as if you will be fine as she denies you for long periods of time. You very well may be able to go months at a time with no health problems. However, if you do experience some discomfort like burning sensations in your penis, then I would recommend that she allow you an occasional orgasm to clean out your plumbing. Sometimes the semen gets trapped in the head of your penis and that is why you may experience an occasional burning sensation.
As far as the prostate goes, I would advise that you take a daily dose of Saw Palmetto herb. This herb will keep your prostate from enlarging and will help to promote good prostate health. I know of no studies that have linked prostate disease with orgasm denial. However, there has been very little research on this subject so the jury is still out. The Saw Palmetto should help your prostate as she denies you. Also, make sure you get annual prostate exams, just to be on the safe side.
If your wife is dead set against allowing you a pleasurable orgasm, she may want to do prostate milkings on you on a monthly basis. Many dominant women do this to their husbands so to clean out their plumbing without allowing them the pleasure of an orgasm. The best way to do a prostate orgasm is for her to insert her a latex gloved finger in your anus and to find your prostate gland and to massage it. Done correctly, this will cause you to release built up semen out of your penis. It is like an orgasm, only it is not intense. The semen kind of just flows out in a long stream, instead of shooting out like during an orgasm. If she really wants to deny you pleasure, she can numb your penis and balls with an ice pack before she performs a prostate milking. There are web sites that list how to do a prostate milking if she needs additional information.
I allow my husband occasional orgasms but they are done in humiliating ways and for my entertainment. Perhaps your wife could do that instead of the prostate milkings. Inform her of her options and allow her to decide how she would prefer that you obtain your rare release. I hope this helps you. Your wife is correct in that a denied husband is an obedient husband. A sexually satisfied husband is a lazy husband. Sex is for the woman's pleasure.
Q. I'm a 25 year old C.P.A and my hubby is 33. He's a loving, attentive, totally submissive househusband, and we've been happily married for three years. Although I often let him please me orally, I have never allowed him intercourse or masturbation. He wears a chastity belt, which I remove about once a month to milk his prostate. He cums a lot during these sessions, even though his penis is never touched.
Within the next couple of years I plan to start a family. I want to conceive by artificially inseminating myself with my husband's sperm. My question is, Will I have to let my husband masturbate to get his seed, or will his usual milking provide it?
I also have a less important question on another topic: circumcision. I'm Jewish, and before we were married, my husband agreed to be circumcised. His surgery went well and he healed quickly. I admit I had this done less as a religious custom than as a symbol of my dominance. I love my husband, but I wanted him to have a permanent reminder of my power over him and of his promise to obey me. Elise, I know most men are circumcised already, but do you personally know women who have had it done to their husbands, boyfriends, or slaves? Just wondering.
A. Semen is semen so it should not matter how you collect it. The purpose of the male orgasm from a biological perspective is to provide the force to send the semen into the woman for the purpose of potential reproduction. Since you are going to be artificially inseminated, how you choose to collect your husband's semen should not be an issue. Of course, I am not a medical Doctor so you need to have a discussion with your doctor about artificial insemination.
As far as your circumcision goes, I think your husband's circumcision will be a constant reminder to him about your ownership of him since he was not already circumcised. A lot of dominant wives require some sort of outward symbolism on or around the male's penis to depict her ownership of him. Be it a tattoo or a piercing or even just requiring that the submissive male is clean-shaven around his genitals. All of these represent the female control and ownership of the husband. In your case, the circumcision can represent this. It all boils down to what a certain marking or procedure means to the couple involved. It is a personal matter between you and your husband but as long as he is aware of what the circumcision means as far as your relationship is concerned, then each time he views his penis it will be a reminder to him of your dominance over him and likewise each time you see his circumcised penis it will be a reminder to you of your ownership of him. Thus it will excite the both of you. That is the same purpose of the tattoo, the piercing or the shaving of the pubic hair.
I do not personally know other women who have had their husbands circumcised for FemDom reasons but then again, most American males are already circumcised. The actual act of circumcision has a religious significance and not so much a FemDom meaning. However, the significance that the two of you place on it is what matters the most. D&S is primarily about the domination of the mind and not so much the body. It is your valuation of the circumcision and your husband's acceptance of your valuation that matters. The same goes for a tattoo, a piercing, a branding or even a shaving. If the husband views it as being a mark of his slavery to his wife, then that is exactly what it is.
Q. I am a young and vibrant male. I have introduced my wife to Female Domination and I am happy to say that she loves it. She has incorporated most of your teachings into our marriage. It has done wonders for her self-image and has improved our marriage. I submit to all her demands but there is one area that I do not enjoy, and that is being denied orgasms. I get one about once a week but I would really like more. She is unwilling to compromise in this area. My question is, does orgasm denial have to be incorporated in a FemDom relationship?
A. There are no fast rules of do's and don'ts in a FemDom relationship. Each couple must find what works best for them. However, it is my opinion that if a woman wants to train her man to be more obedient and a more willing servant, than she needs to monitor and limit his orgasms. What that limit consists of will be up to the woman to decide based on the behavioral patterns of her man.
Orgasm denial means different things to different couples. If a man would have his way, he would be allowed sexual release multiple times a day. That is not a good idea if a woman wants him to be attentive to her needs. So if a man wants to have an orgasm every night but his wife denies him what he wants and limits him to one a week, then that is considered orgasm denial. There are women who deny their men longer and limit them to one orgasm every ten days to two weeks. There are women like me who think one or two orgasms a month is sufficient for a man in order to keep his plumbing cleaned and his desire to serve at a maximum level. There are even those couples where the woman demands permanent denial and utilizes occasional prostate milkings instead.
On the other end of the spectrum, some women go in the opposite direction and use depletion as a method to train their man. Depletion is when a woman forces her man to have too many orgasms so that he actually comes to despise them and he finds each orgasm difficult to achieve. This is usually done as a form of humiliation and will only work if the man is more trainable when he is humiliated. The goal of depletion is to make the man weak through too many orgasms and then the woman uses his physical weakness to better control him. Personally, I find that too many orgasms makes for a lazy man and I don't want my servant to be a lazy man. But again, each couple is different as each man is different in what motivates him.
This I do know. The worst thing is a sexually satisfied man who has as many orgasms as he wants. Depletion is better than complacent but in my opinion, a sexually denied and frustrated man is a man who is easily aroused, controlled and trained by a woman. The fastest way to a man's heart may be through his stomach but the fastest way to a man's will is through his penis. A woman needs to control it in some manner if she wants to control him. The dominant female, based on what motivates her man to be attentive to her needs, must establish the best method for that control.
Q. Is the letdown that men experience after an orgasm biological or mental? Why do you think men are less inclined to be obedient after an orgasm?
A. This question ties nicely into the above question. The answer is both. The male orgasm is a biological function that causes a sexual release, which relaxes both the body and the mind. The body wants to relax or even sleep after orgasm and the last thing it wants to do is to be forced to do a physical activity. This is why men lose the desire to pleasure a woman after they have climaxed and that is why so many women are unfulfilled sexually. This is especially true if the male achieves more than one orgasm, so a woman who gives a man a blow-job followed by intercourse should not be surprised by her lack of sexual fulfillment.
If a woman decides that she is indeed going to allow her man sexual release she would be wise to forbid it until after she has been sexually fulfilled. It takes women more time to orgasm but the payoff is well worth the wait. Keeping a man aroused and denied is the greatest thing a woman can do for her own sexual fulfillment. As a man is full of passion, his energy level goes beyond his normal physical endurance. This sexual energy under the control of a woman can be channeled into her being pleasured. Then once she has been satisfied, she may permit her man sexual release or if she were really smart, she will keep him denied and he will be much more attentive to her needs both that night and in the days to come.
Men are less inclined to be obedient after orgasm because physically they are relaxed and they become lazy. They are not as easily aroused and thus their sexual drive is not as high. This is particularly true as men age. The younger man is easier to get excited again after orgasm due to his testosterone level. However, as a man ages, his testosterone level decreases and it will take him longer to become excited again. But the denied man is easily excited and aroused and thus he is easier to control by a female.
As I stated in the question above, the fastest way to a man's will is his penis and it is through the will of a man that a woman will achieve obedience. To be obedient or rebellious requires a decision and that decision is made in the human will. The sexually satisfied man cannot be as easily controlled through his sex drive but the easily aroused man who is denied is eager to obey as his sex drive is at the forefront of his psyche.
Q. Hi Ms. Elise, my wife is using orgasm control as part of my training. She routinely makes me go 1-2 months between releases. During this time we do have intercourse, only I am not permitted to cum. I am able to control myself while she rides me but the longer it has been since my last orgasm, the shorter my duration gets, and I am then forced to advise her that I am going to cum. At which point she stops and let's me recover.
Recently, after 2 months of not cuming, my wife was riding me and had an explosive orgasm, this is always the hardest time for me. After she came she just kept on riding me and was getting close to her 2nd orgasm. At this point I was near the breaking point and told her I was about to cum. She stopped riding me and said "don't you dare". That was all it took. Right as she said that I exploded. She was upset with me that I had disobeyed her order not to cum. She finished riding me to her 2nd orgasm and as punishment she then climbed up my chest and had me orally clean her. She also told me I would be going 3 months before my next orgasm.
My question is, do you know of any techniques I can use to prevent myself from cuming? I genuinely felt bad because I had failed her and put my pleasure before hers. Thanks for your time.
A. At some point, biological forces come into play so if she wants you to go two or three months without an orgasm, I would advise her not to ride you in such a forceful manner after such a long denial period. Perhaps she wants to stretch your limits to see how much self-control you can develop. I think she is doing a wonderful job in training you because you are so upset in disobeying her. She punished you and you deserved to be punished because you did disobey her. Whether it was a difficult task or not, the fact remains you were given an order and you failed. She probably enjoys punishing you every now and again and that may be why she likes to stretch your limits to such a degree.
Regardless, all you can do is give it your all in order to please her. Self-control takes mental discipline so you need to work on controlling your thoughts when she is riding you like that. Dwell on non-sexual things while she is riding you. Don't think about how wonderful it feels or how beautiful she looks or how dominant she is. If you think on these things, you will get excited and that might cause you to have an accident. That is where you failed. When she got dominant and ordered you not to climax, you lost it.
Instead, concentrate on how you want to please her by displaying self-control. It is a battle within your own mind and you need block out the pleasurable thoughts while she is being pleasured in this manner. What she is asking you to do is not easy but I suspect she gains enjoyment in giving you such a hard task to fulfill. That makes her pleasure greater and her orgasms more intense.
She could rub some numbing cream on your penis but that would take away from her mental enjoyment. She wants this task to be difficult because she wants you to develop more self-control. She wants you to prove your submission by denying your self during a pleasurable act. Again, this stimulates her mentally and makes for better orgasms for her. So my advice to you is to try harder the next time and since it is going to be three whole months, you might want to take lots of cold showers or have her invest in a really good chastity belt. Good luck.
Q. Dear Elise, I've been visiting your site quite frequently. I'm not into some of the more intense concepts but do like to practice orgasm denial as a means to get more housework / chores out of my husband. I currently allow him relief once a week and late Sunday afternoon seems to be the ideal time. Most of the work at our house is done on the weekends - we both work. He's much more receptive to doing the work when he's been denied several days usually 5 or 6. He will on occasion plead with me on Saturday or Sunday morning to bring him to completion but I'll stick to my guns and make sure the bathrooms are spotless and the laundry has been done. When Sunday afternoon rolls around I reward him by manually massaging him to completion. I have him stand naked before me and take my place on the corner of the bed. He's a tall man and I usually request he squats slightly so my arms don't get tired. He's very willing to accommodate me on this.
I've run into a problem that seems to be recurring more frequently. On weekday mornings there are occasions, when he returns from his shower, with a full erection. He pleads with me that "he can't go to work like this" and wants me to bring him to completion. I feel compelled to help him because he doesn't need to be going to work in that condition. But when the weekend rolls around he's much less receptive to my housework demands. How would you handle this problem? Is there a way to bring the erection down without allowing the orgasm?
A. Oh the poor baby! He has an erection after getting out of the shower and he needs some relief? What a lame excuse. Sweetheart, his erection will go down on its own once he gets his mind on his job. You should be flattered if he can't keep his mind off of you throughout the day and this causes him to get hard. This shows that the denial process is working beautifully. You are dominating him and his thoughts even when he is away from you.
The next time he comes to you with an erection and whines that he needs relief before he heads out to work, why not help him to "get it down"? Make him march back into the shower and have him stand in there for few minutes in freezing cold water. That will correct the problem.
How about administering to him a very hard spanking with a Strap or a Spencer Paddle? If you make his butt hurt bad enough, he will loose that erection.
If you want to really drive the lesson home, the next time he begs for relief before his pre-determined day, say "Ok sweetie, but you need some lubrication" and take a small dab of Ben-gay and jerk him off with that. He will go limp in no time flat from the heat and the pain and I bet he will never beg for a "hand-job" again.
Here's an idea. If he keeps whining about needing an orgasm, get him a Kali's teeth chastity device or something similar (like the Male Chastity Device developed by ClubFEM). The Kali's teeth device has sharp teeth that will penetrate the skin of the penis if it grows erect. Ouch! Now that will solve his little problem, don't you agree?
You are doing a wonderful job with your husband. Like so many other wives, you have discovered that a denied husband is an obedient and motivated husband but too many orgasms lead to laziness and disobedience. Permitting him an orgasm once a week is plenty. He should count his blessings that he is married to such a kind wife. I know plenty of women who would make him go a month or longer between orgasms. Simply tell him that as long as he demonstrates that he can do a satisfactory job with his chores each week, then he will be allowed his weekly relief on your pre-determined day. But if his servitude ever wanes, then you may have to extend his denial time longer. Keep up the good work.
Q. Dear Elise, ever since I got my girlfriend to agree to start dominating me, she has been giving me orgasms only by jerking me off with her hand. The funny thing is that these are the best orgasms I've ever had! My girlfriend teases me how I haven't felt her pussy in over a month and that I'll never get another blow job from her again. She started giving me only hand jobs because she thinks it is a way of humiliating me and they do. But sometimes they feel so good my feelings of humiliation take a back seat to the pleasure my girlfriend's hand brings me. Is there another, more humiliating way for her to "jerk me off"? And why do women like watching guys jerk themselves off if so many women think its nasty when they catch him doing it in the bathroom?
A. To answer your second question first, when a man masturbates he is exercising a lack of self-control and he is pleasing himself. When your girlfriend allows you the privilege of a supervised orgasm, she is there with you, controlling your thoughts. When you masturbate, you think on whatever and whoever you choose but when she is there, possibly looking you in the eyes, she is placing herself at the forefront of your mind as she trains your body.
Men have a tendency to be habitual masturbaters and this causes them to become lazy and of little use to the female, sexually, domestically and socially. I had a man recently ask me why it was Ok for his wife to masturbate but not him within their FemDom marriage? I pointed out to him that the female orgasm is different and most women do not become hooked on the habit of masturbation. She proved my point by confessing that she masturbates maybe twice a week. When I asked her husband how many times he was prone to masturbate a week before she confined him in a chastity device, he admitted to at least a dozen and possibly more. (By the way, his wife just began to masturbate for the first time in her life because her libido is so high due to how excited she has become from embracing her dominant nature. Her husband orally services her often but even he cannot keep up with her newly discovered sex drive.)
To answer your first question, of course there are many ways a woman can administer a humiliating orgasm to her submissive man. Go to the FemDom activities section of my Q&A Forum archive and you will find a list of some of the methods I have used in the past.
Q. Hi Elise, my husband and I were recently lying in bed talking about how after we have our next child we need to take steps to make sure we don't have anymore children. He stated that he would like me to get my tubes tied, but I told him my preference was for him to get a vasectomy. He literally turned pale when I said this and stated that he did not want to do that because he thought his sexual pleasure would be greatly diminished. I then took his penis gently but firmly in my hand, reminded him that I, not he, owned his penis, and told him that since I wasn't going to get my tubes tied he would be getting "snipped" after the birth of our second child and that he didn't have a choice in the matter. I had been tightening my grip on him this whole time and his immediate response was "Yes Mistress, certainly if you command me to do so I will do it." I then gradually released my hold on him to his relief.
Elise, I loved seeing the tortured look on my hubby's face when he so reluctantly acknowledged my authority to snip him, and found myself getting really turned on at the thought my making my husband forfeit his ability to create sperm upon my order. Have you ever heard of a woman getting turned on by this? Also, will a vasectomy diminish his pleasure (or even his ability to perform) as he fears? The loving Wife in me does not want to see his pleasure permanently reduced, but the dominant Mistress in me gets a thrill at the thought of making him undergo a procedure that may make him feel much more like a eunuch than the Alpha male stud he still tries to act like sometimes. Is it possible that a vasectomy could act like orgasm denial and have the effect of making him much more submissive?
While I have not told him this, it's possible that I may spare him his fate by getting my tubes tied instead, but this is only due to the fact that I'm thinking of experimenting with cuckolding, and feel like I would more greatly enjoy the cuckolding experience if I did not have pregnancy concerns in the back of my mind when I'm being penetrated and in the throws of passion with my partner. As you can tell, I have lots of mixed emotions about this subject and would love to hear your thoughts on the matter.
A. My husband and I were unable to have children so I obviously am not an expert on vasectomies or tube tying. There should be little if any effect on your husband's ability to orgasm or perform sexually. The procedure has no effect on a man's sexual drive, his ability to have an erection, ejaculate or have intercourse as before. The man's body continues to produce sperm but a vasectomy prevents the sperm from leaving his body as part of his semen.
I have not heard of women getting turned on by making their husbands get a vasectomy but I know lots of women who get turned on from dominating their husbands and controlling their orgasms. I would imagine it is the orgasm denial part that excites you and you can pursue orgasm denial whether he gets a vasectomy or not. A chastity device will make your husband better than a eunuch. He will be a sexually aroused but a frustrated man and as such, he will be much easier to control.
The vasectomy could make him more submissive but not due to the physical results of the procedure. It might make him more submissive due to his knowledge that you were able to make him submit to this permanent condition. The mind game of your control over him in this area may give you a trigger to tease and humiliate him and that may touch his submissive nature.
Based on what you have told me, I think the vasectomy fits best within a FemDom marriage. Why should the woman sacrifice? The man is supposed to make the sacrifices for his Queen. A vasectomy would be a way for your husband to serve you.
There are other forms of birth control if you were to pursue cuckolding. Obviously, you need to really be careful here. Cuckolding is no reason to get your tubes tied. That decision should be based on your individual family planning needs. You should decide between the vasectomy and the tying of your tubes based on your current marriage. I hope this helps. Best wishes.
Q. Dear Ms. Sutton, I have only been actively involved in this lifestyle for one year but reading through sites such as yours I don't understand the claims men make to be truly submissive and wonder if I am unique. I have felt submissive since high school and when married offered myself to my wife. I cooked, worked while she stayed home, cleaned, took care of the kids when I was there. For her personally I would bath, massage, dress and orally pleasure her on request. This is just a short list of my duties. She allowed me to do these things for her but did not consider herself a dominant. In return I was allowed to masturbate freely and have penetration sex every few months. Even with all my orgasms the focus of pleasing and pleasuring her was paramount. At no time did I instigate sexual contact of any nature during the marriage.
Now I am under the guidance of my wonderful Mistress. In addition to the things performed in my marriage I am required to give daily morning oral pleasure. She enjoys penetration often but does not allow me an orgasm. She practices orgasm denial in the short term only, for example by keeping me aroused for a few days and then allowing release. She also allows me to perform masturbations to completion for her several times a week.
So I guess my question is if a man is truly submissive no matter how many times he is permitted to orgasm wouldn't he put his Mistress and serving her as the most important thing in his life? I can not fathom of serving my Mistress any more than I already am. If I was holding back just because I was allowed an orgasm I would not be worthy of her. How can men do this to their Mistress and why would a Mistress accept a submissive who only gives his best if he is denied his own orgasm?
A. You are absolutely correct, a man should be dedicated to serving his Mistress no matter what. However, the spirit may be willing but the flesh is weak. Some men such as yourself are driven to serve women and gain their inner worth from serving women. You are to be commended and you set a wonderful example for your gender. Nevertheless, most men are lead by their lower heads and not their upper heads and thus their motivation begins in the sexual and not in the intellectual. That is how men are wired and therefore a woman is wise to utilize her sexual power in order to control her man.
If permitting a man frequent orgasms would motivate him to put his Queen's needs above his own, then women would be wise to do so. However, the biological facts are the opposite. Through trial and error, women have discovered that the denied man is eager to serve but the sexually fulfilled man is often selfish and lazy. Not all men fall into this categorizing and that is why each couple must explore each other's sexuality and natures in order to discover that which works best for them. But overall, a woman will find that she wields more power and control over her submissive by keeping him denied. And when you think about it, that dynamic also provides for great mental stimulation for the woman as her knowledge that she is being pleasured as much as she desires but her man is being denied, will usually cause the female to feel more dominant and more powerful.
The power exchange exists in the realm of the minds so to the submissive male, being denied can provide him with more mental pleasure and more mental fulfillment than a physical orgasm. The aroused and denied male will spend more time in subspace and thus his mind will be on a mental sphere where the female rules supreme in his life and he is much more eager to serve the female. The mental stimulation should touch a man's psychological triggers, which will stimulate him sexually. It is that mental stimulation that causes an intense power exchange and that can make sex more pleasurable for the woman both physically and mentally while at the same time fulfilling the male need to be dominated. Again, not all couples are the same so as long as you and your Mistress have found that which works best for your relationship, than you should by all means continue with your current lifestyle.
Q. Elise, what are your thoughts on chastity devices for the submissive male? My husband wears a CB2000. Do you think you can talk a little about this in one of your Q&A forums? What type of device do you recommend? Thanks for your help in this matter.
A. Appendix B of my book is a Resource List where I list a number of FemDom resources. One area is chastity devices. The CB200 is included as are a number of other quality devices. The makers of the CB2000 also now have The Curve and the CB3000. I own and my husband wears The Access Denied. This is a more expensive device that is tailored for the size of the male that is being kept chaste. Unfortunately, they went out of business. I have heard the Neosteel chastity device is a quality device, similar to the Access Denied. Neosteel has a variety of devices that can be tailored made to fit your husband's exact measurements. You can get a hip belt or a waist belt. You can even get devices with butt plug attachments.
Other devices are the Chastity Tube (the makers were so kind to send me a model and my hubby wore it for awhile), the Tollyboy belt, the Carrara belt and there are even some permanent chastity devices that are worn in conjunction with a prince albert piercing.
When shopping for a chastity device it is important to define your goal for the device before you purchase one. What is his lifestyle and how long are you going to require that he wear it? If he works in a government building or he travels frequently and thus he will be passing through metal detectors, you will need to get a model that is made of plastic, like the CB2000. Will he only wear it occasionally as a form of discipline? Or will he be required to wear it most of the time? For long-term wear, I would recommend that you invest and get a custom made device, one that will fit him comfortably.
If you have been reading my site for any length of time, you know I am a big proponent of limiting a man's orgasms. Some couples work on the honor system as the wife has her man trained to the point that he dare not disobey her by masturbating. Some men cannot be trusted in this area or they are prone to have accidents, thus a chastity device might be an option. Some dominant women like to use a chastity device as a tool of punishment and training. In these cases, the wearing of such a device may only be for a season or only on occasion. Then some women might require long-term and even permanent wear of a chastity device for their husbands. Permanent male chastity exists in some FemDom relationships and the husband is only permitted prostate milkings. In these arrangements, a chastity device is almost a must. Again, it depends on your goal and lifestyle. Decide what you want it for and then select the device that best fits your needs and your budget.
Q. Hi Elise; My husband and I have been experimenting with femdom play, including your procedures for several months. Our marriage has grown stronger, more intimate, and a lot more fun for us both.
We are both interested in long term chastity (for him), but we have not been able to make it work. For the first week all sorts of positive changes happen to my husband. He has more energy, he feels exhilarated, he procrastinates less, and his time with me becomes "magically charged".
After a week he starts getting mood swings with irritability. He also gets trouble concentrating, which has effected his work. Though he begs me to let him "tough it out and get over it" I usually let him out after two weeks because I can't bear to see the negative effects it has on him. He is otherwise very healthy physically and mentally.
We would both like to try longer stretches of chastity, but we can't seem to get past this "plateau". Is there something else we could try or is long term chastity just not suited for everyone?
A. Each man is different so sometimes you must experiment when it comes to male orgasm denial. Usually, a woman can't just slap a chastity device on her husband and deny him for weeks at a time. There are physical and psychological effects with male chastity and orgasm denial. A man must be led to prolonged denial gradually.
Men get cranky if they don't get sexual relief after awhile and there are biological reasons for this. The body produces semen in accordance with the male's age and the frequency of his sexual orgasms. The more often a man orgasms, the more his body will expect orgasms and thus the more semen his body will produce. The less frequent his body has sexual release, the less semen his body will produce over time. So a man needs to be weaned off of frequent orgasms much like a body needs weaned off of caffeine, nicotine, medications, sugar, etc. The good news to the wife that hungers to deny her husband for prolonged period of times is that this process accelerates.
One program that some dominant women have used in the area of male orgasm denial (while not effective on all men) is the weaning process. It works as follows: Let's say that you want to begin the denial process on Feb 1 of this year. For the next year, your husband would only receive 13 days of sexual release. I say days because using this particular technique he should receive multiple orgasms on these days. One orgasm is usually not sufficient. It is best to give him multiple orgasms on his orgasm days in the beginning of this training.
Of these 13 days, most of them are front-loaded and the time in between grows longer. Here would be an example of the schedule using the weaning program for the next year if you started on Feb 1.
Feb 1, Feb 8, Feb 18, March 1, March 18, April 9, May 1, June 1, July 8, August 18, October 1, November 28, January 8 2005 (these are approximate dates and you should be flexible and move these days a few days here and there to fit your schedule).
As you can see, by May 1, you will have him up to once a month. It is about this time that a chastity device needs to be used. When you place him in a chastity device, make sure that it is one that he can wear comfortably.
Ease him into the chastity device by having him wear it initially for 12 hours. Then give him a few days off. Then have him wear it for 24 hours, then give him a few days off. Then have him wear it for a weekend, then give him a few days off. If he can go a weekend without any problems, then have him wear it for an entire week. Once he can go for a week, he pretty much can wear it most of the time from that point. He still will need a day off from wearing it every so often but only on days that you can monitor him.
This program has worked for a number of women but each husband is different so experiment and settle on that which works best for you and your husband. You are correct in that not all males will respond biologically and psychologically the same, so any training program must be flexible and adapted to fit your relationship. You don't want a grumpy and irritable husband but you also need to be careful that he doesn't manipulate you to get an orgasm. Never forget that too many orgasms can make a man lazy and negligent to your needs. So you need to find that balance. Be it once a week, twice a month or once a month, a man does need to have his plumbing cleaned out periodically so whether you incorporate milkings or periodical orgasms, you need to keep his well-being in mind as you train him to accept long-term chastity. I hope this helps.
There you go Girls, your first step in training you man.