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| Only In The Movies | |
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| Topic Started: Oct 1 2007, 01:21 PM (143 Views) | |
| Phoenix | Oct 1 2007, 01:21 PM Post #1 |
Superemely Decadent Outlaw Superhero
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Inspired by comments in the worst Movie thread I thought we could start making some observations taken from Movies Did you ever notice that certain things only happen in the movies, but never happen in real life? For example: It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it’s aired. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it’s the door to a burning building with a child inside. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty). Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene). If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard… All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out). Cars never need fuel (unless they’re involved in a pursuit). If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one. All single women have a cat. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of the year. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don’t mind at all what the girl does for a living. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium. It is not necessary to say “Hello” or “Goodbye” when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying “Hello? Hello?” repeatedly. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (this is known as Stallone’s Law). When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets. ( please refer to the Hanky code to enhance amusement I believe it's listed in Kinkdom) All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren’t liked and would never get invited to parties). Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!). Please add further observations :D |
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| Mrs. Artois | Oct 1 2007, 01:25 PM Post #2 |
Cyril's Femme
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:laughter :laughter |
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| Ninja Boi | Oct 1 2007, 02:09 PM Post #3 |
The Lego Master
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They are all so true :clap :laugh3 |
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| Phoenix | Oct 1 2007, 02:31 PM Post #4 |
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Superemely Decadent Outlaw Superhero
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# ENVIRONMENT - Thunder and lightning always happen at the same time. # EVIDENCE - Incriminating evidence can be found either as photograph number four in a stack, or in the next to bottom drawer. # FIGHTS - If a character uses martial arts rather than a weapon, his opponents will always face him one-to-one. Spare bad guys may dance around the fight taunting our hero, but none will engage until his predecessor has been disposed of. - Two guys or a bunch of guys go at it, repeatedly bashing each other in the face with massive blows, or hitting each other with chairs, sticks, refrigerators, whatever -- and they go one doing this, sometimes for minutes at a time. # HEROES - If the hero has a psychological/physical problem which has prevented him from effectively dealing with problems, you can rest assured that this problem will disappear at an opportune time. - The hero always misses the villan leaving the scene by seconds. - Stripping to the waist makes you invulnerable. - The hero's best friend/partner will usually be killed by the bad guys --MORE--(24%) three days before retirement. - The hero's new wife will be mowed down by 80 machine guns right after the wedding or during the honeymoon. # HOUSES - The hero lives in New York City working at some okay, but not particularly high-paying job, and yet he or she has a roomy apartment filled with nice stuff, generally with a good view, and sometimes a nice, romantic rooftop to go to. - People who hear something weird outside will go OUT to look, even if they know there's a homicidal maniac on the loose. - When an intruder is in the house, the occupant will snuck along a wall with his back pressed to it tightly and his arms out a bit from his body, palms flat agaisnt the wall. - When there's an intruder somewhere in the house, the thing that jumps at the heroine in the dark turns out to be her cat, even if it comes from places cats wouldn't be, like inside a cupboard! As soon as she relaxes, the killer will show up and strangle her. # INJURIES - When the hero is knocked out, he won't get a concussion or brain damage. - People hit on the head will not throw up. - When a hero gets a bloody nose, he'll stop bleeding almost immediately. - When a hero suffers through car chases and crashes, he never has to worry about unfelt spinal injury from impact. - A slight blow to the head is usually enough to cause total amnesia - Characters that get shot will never go into shock. - The hero will always get shot in the shoulder, yet will be able to use his arm. |
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| Phoenix | Oct 1 2007, 02:36 PM Post #5 |
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Superemely Decadent Outlaw Superhero
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SPACE & VACUUM - Spaceships make noise! - Explosions in space make noise - Exposure to vacuum makes you horribly swell up and/or explode within seconds (ex. "Total Recall", "Outland") # TRAVEL - Transportation always arrives and leaves on time. - Characters arrive at the airport and get *right on the plane*. They must have the best timing of any people on Earth - I always have wait around for a hour or so before boarding. Good thing movie airlines never overbook! - Movie characters' suitcases are always weightless when they have to carry them. # VILLAINS - The bad guy is the foreigner. - People can be rendered inoperative by bumping them on the head. Beware, though; after you have left the scene, this person will regain consciousness and be more determinted to attack you. - The bad guy also has a side-kick muscleman, who has some sort of trademark gimmick that he/she uses to eliminate oppponents. You must kill or decomission this muscleman by forcing a backfiring of this trademarked gimmick. If the muscleman dispatched by a different method, he/she is not dead. (For that matter, don't assume that anyone is dead unless their death was spectacular. Beware sequels.) - The bad guy usually kills his henchman for failing, yet don't seem to run out of loyal henchmen. - Bad guys lurk until their presence is revealed by a flash of lightning. - You can kill the bad guy by taking careful note of any object that the camera has lingered on for an unnecessarly length of time; typically this is something like a meathook or a jagged bit of glass. You will be involved in a mighty struggle, and at the appropriate time you can become inspired (usually by either an insult from the bad guy or a look of faith from your love interest) with strength enough to force the bad guy into/onto/under/in front of the aforementioned object. Actor's Equity (Hollywood) requires that within 15 seconds either side of the bad guy's demise, you utter your trademark phrase. - The bad guy, having finally gotten the good guy into his clutches, will usually spend a few meglomaniac minutes gloating over his victory and his opponent's downfall. This increment of time will prove just enough to allow the good guy to figure a way out of his predicament, or just long enough to allow a rescue attempt. - The bad guy, instead of simply offing the captured good guy on the spot, will devise some sort of drawn-out, fiendishly clever method of execution that will take enough time to allow the good guy to figure out his escape. # WEAPONS - Major characters never run out of ammunition, nor do they ever have to reload. (If the movie _does_ make them reload, they never have to actually carry any spare ammo until that scene) - Guns never run out of ammunition unless escape would be otherwise impossible. - The first shot or burst of fire from a bad guy _always_ misses, and is there just to announce that a fight will be taking place. - Bad-guy hand grenades make noise and smoke, but no real damage; good-guy hand grenades are devastating but selective; they will destroy tanks, but won't hurt the thrower, even if he drops one on his toe. Bad-guy grenades used by good guys become good-guy grenades, and _vice versa_. - When the villain runs out of bullets, he'll throw away his gun. When the hero does so, he'll conveniently come across another. - Machine guns submerged underwater for a long time won't jam or misfire when the hero pops up to use them. (see any Rambo movie) - A cigarette case/lighter in the shirt pocket will always block the bullet. - When the hero faces a ridiculously large number of shooters with high powered weapons, they will all miss after several shots. Then, the hero will pulls out this gun that looks like a toy and start picking off the bad guys from half a mile away, usually hitting them in the forehead. |
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| Phoenix | Oct 1 2007, 06:14 PM Post #6 |
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Superemely Decadent Outlaw Superhero
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Every time some guy walks into a bar, usually the hero, he gets into a fight. Usually right under a BUDWEISER sign ( "product placement"). Likelihood of fight increases if country music is playing in the background. Movie heroes in a bar will either order strong alcoholic drinks and swallow them down like iced tea or will ask for milk. The latter will always provoke sarcastic remarks and a fight will ensue. When men drink whiskey, it is always in a shot glass, and they always drink it in one gulp. If they are wimps, they will gasp for air, then have a coughing fit. If they are macho, they will wince briefly, flashing clenched teeth. A cup of black coffee/splash of cold water in face is enough to render the most inebriated person stone cold sober in a split second (see several thousand westerns, and "Peter's Friends.") |
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| Mrs. Artois | Oct 1 2007, 06:17 PM Post #7 |
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Cyril's Femme
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I would like to know how come no one suffers from bed hair?????? |
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| Phoenix | Oct 1 2007, 06:29 PM Post #8 |
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Superemely Decadent Outlaw Superhero
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Some do ,but only in the most glamourous way, constructed by a stylist for four hours before the filming Bardot built a career on that look :laugh3 |
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| Mrs. Artois | Oct 1 2007, 06:32 PM Post #9 |
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Cyril's Femme
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:laugh3 :laugh3 |
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| Wolverine | Oct 1 2007, 09:44 PM Post #10 |
Dangerous when provoked
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Fact - girls always fall over when they are being chased in movies!! |
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| Mrs. Artois | Oct 1 2007, 09:48 PM Post #11 |
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Cyril's Femme
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They always fall over backwards so they can get a good look at the moster :D :D :D :D :D |
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| Wolverine | Oct 1 2007, 09:58 PM Post #12 |
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Dangerous when provoked
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Yes and they always fall over the invisible branch right in front of their feet :whistle |
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| Mrs. Artois | Oct 1 2007, 10:02 PM Post #13 |
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Cyril's Femme
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which they don't see although it's the size of a small Oak tree :blink: |
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| Phoenix | Oct 1 2007, 10:22 PM Post #14 |
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Superemely Decadent Outlaw Superhero
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Or if they fall over in the house, they get up & run upstairs to escape :rolleyes: |
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| Mrs. Artois | Oct 1 2007, 10:24 PM Post #15 |
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Cyril's Femme
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Having bolted all the doors shut first and thrown the key out the window :D |
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1:27 PM Nov 8
