Viewing Single Post From: Lynn's Derek Diatribe

Viewing Single Post From: Lynn's Derek Diatribe
merdermaid	Oct 19 2007, 05:43 PM
Posts: 157 Group: Grey Girls Member #254 Joined: April 24, 2007	The Derek Diatribe Here’s my thinking about Derek – and I believe he loves Meredith and he is very tender toward her – but if I had a friend dating someone like Derek, I’d try to support her in getting out and staying out (until he had a LOT of therapy). Derek escaped to Seattle. I actually get that . . . especially if he was living a life that just kind of happened. I don’t see him innately as the Brownstone on Central Park kind of guy. But he just fell in with Addie and her world view. Then in the cut scenes from the pilot, when Derek is saying he doesn’t think he can do it (work at SGH, with the teaching, etc), Richard tells him this is his chance to wake up and stop being asleep and being a one trick average hack. So it wasn’t like he was living a fulfilled life where he was. He fell in with Addie. He fell in with his practice. And he met Meredith. The chase by Derek was actually out of character for him in that it was decisive. I’ve had to think about this. Why did he chase her? I think it’s like he says in 2.1: She was like a breath of fresh air. He was drowning and she saved him. She gave him a glimpse of being alive. He needed her. BUT – while the chase, actually pursuing what wasn’t coming along easily, was out of character, the focus on what he wanted and needed wasn’t. Why, when Meredith had so much at risk, did Derek pursue until Meredith decided to let him in, KNOWING THAT HE WAS MARRIED AND HADN’T FULLY MADE A DECISION ABOUT ADDIE?? Yes, he thought his marriage was over, but he hadn’t taken action . . . he was floating. And, subconsciously at least – we see by his actions/inactions – he was still ambivalent about the marriage ending. Was he truly interested in Meredith? Absolutely. But did he actually consider her in a mature way? No. If he had, he would have said I can’t get in a relationship now – I have things to sort out – and you need to start your internship, but I’m so attracted to you and I want to spend time with you. Let’s take it as it comes. Even if he wasn’t ready to own up to being married, he should have done that much. But he needed her. OK, so they had a ONS. He didn’t need to say he was separated then. I can even give him asking her out that next day when they meet at the hospital because things were happening so fast. It was completely selfish to continue to pursue her though. And he does it enough until she goes to breakfast with him. There is clearly more than a casual interest there between the two of them . . . he knows it. He knows what that means to her as an intern in her program. So they have at least breakfast (and since we don’t have a good sense of time, probably some other meals). At that point, he should have said at least something like “I’m not completely free at the moment, but I want to spend time with you” but he doesn’t. He’s playing his options – probably not consciously, but that’s part of his problem. Then we have Take Me for a Ride. OK, so they aren’t going to talk at that point (Mer is drunk, ya know, and he’s having hot sex). He is enthralled with her, I’m sure. This guy hasn’t been with anyone but Addie in probably 12 years. And now he’s having hot sex with Meredith. I get that he’s completely infatuated as well as falling in love (so is Meredith). We know that there are at least some days between the party and the meeting at the hospital when they deal with Bailey and have the “if I were a better guy” exchange. AGAIN, Derek knows Meredith is trying to do the right thing for her and her education and career AND he knows he’s not free. If he had made a decision about Addie, he would have told Meredith about the marriage. But he hadn’t decided. We know that’s the episode that Meredith decides to be in the relationship. Then he starts staying over. STILL no hint he isn’t free. If he hadn’t had to pursue Meredith and get her to overcome her appropriate refusal to be in the relationship – if they’d met and just kept going, both willingly, it would have been not nice of him not to tell about Addie. But in this case it’s almost a personality defect. Now, we have a week of staying over and Meredith – the girl who is supposed to not have good relationship skills – rises above the hot sex and infatuation and the being cared about and KNOWS something isn’t right. That Derek gives her the information he did and says, “That’s it. That’s all you’ve earned. The rest you’ll have to take on faith.” WOW. This guy is so not healthy. This is almost to the level of a personality disorder if you met up with it in real life. Meredith has been open. You watch her struggle past her reserve and caution and all. I can’t fault Meredith at this point in her relationship behavior. 1.9 I do think Derek was going to tell Meredith about Addie at dinner that night when they have their “rules” discussion. But honestly, I think waiting that long would have really hurt the relationship even if Addie hadn’t appeared. IF Meredith hadn’t asked him for something about himself and he hadn’t given the answer he did, putting it as “all she earned”, it might be different. They were pretty far down the relationship road at this point (ONS, pursuit, a few meals and car sex, then Meredith still tries to stay away and finally she caves and they get going . . . not exactly casual). Also, Derek had all those calls he didn’t answer and didn’t explain, but he asked Meredith about her calls and she told him what was at that point her biggest secret and burden. He’s so tender with her. But he’s NOT HONEST. Season 2 begins. He really doesn’t get why Meredith doesn’t get how hard this is for him. This is a darn close to a personality disorder! Where is the shame for what he did? Nowhere! He should have been ashamed. Instead he tries to say that he’s over with Addie. . . but he knows he hasn’t really made that decision. Not to belabor this (I can come up with a zillion examples), we see how he turns his emotion into anger, if not hardness, toward Meredith, culminating in “She’s my wife.” It’s a protective behavior on his part for himself. He turns the emotion into it almost being Meredith’s problem. He hasn’t been honest with Addison either. They both lie right out of the chute (I won’t be talking to Meredith. I’m moving to Seattle. But neither for the marriage.) Remember in the Thanksgiving episode, where they are talking about the surgery that Holden has to decide about? Meredith would have the surgery. Derek doesn’t know what he’d do. Meredith says she knows. See, all through this time, she is still being fairly healthy and astute about this guy she loves. I get that she had to do the Pick me, Choose me, Love me thing. I understand why Meredith did that (I know EP says she should have just run the other way. That’s right from the inherent personality issues that Derek is displaying, not necessarily just because he was married). Now, we see that Derek, with the absence of Meredith, figures out what she means to him. He knew he loved her when she said she loved him, but he didn’t say it to her (just indirectly in the “If love were enough” speech). We see him be McDreamy. I so understand Meredith being pulled back to him. He says he’s being nice, but he’s McDreamy to her. And then they try to be friends. I even get that. It’s doomed to fail, but I get it. It’s much more wrong for Derek than for Meredith. Derek is trying to have his cake and eat it too. He really isn’t trying with Addison, but he isn’t ending it either. He’s again being a victim of his life. Then he gets violently jealous of Meredith with anyone else. He turns the anger on her. Guess what? She’s single. She can sleep with anyone she chooses. He has NO place with the anger. It’s hot, truly, and ultimately pushes him to make a decision. But he makes it all about him again. This is about how he feels she’s betrayed him. They sleep together at the prom. He has been subtly pursuing Meredith for months. He stares at her. He essentially silently stalks her. Meredith is, again, trying to move forward, to create a good relationship. I don’t see her as being relationship incapable at all at this point. Derek, on the other hand, needs therapy. Not so thrilled about his “What does this mean?” Remember, Meredith wasn’t the one that chose someone else. Derek needs to ask himself what this means. Now we go to season 3 the next morning. Derek has made a decision. Even the most decision-phobic people ultimately make some. He was going to go and tell Meredith that they need to be together . . . I don’t think he’d planned to say he loved her at all until he had forced thinking time in the locker room. That’s what Meredith would need to hear, needed to hear back at 2.1 when she asked what she was to Derek (and I think Derek knew then that he loved her, but he didn’t say it). That makes what he said about I should have told you sooner make sense . . . no time after he chose Addie would it have made sense for him to say it . . . so he knew it then. But he was indecisive. Here we have Derek say the right thing: Take your time. But again, his world is about himself. The dating is cute. Bugged me when he said, “You want to date?” (or whatever it was he said like that). Meredith deserves to be romanced. That’s been missing. See, Derek was a married guy. He actually related to Meredith a lot as a married guy – very domestically and comfortably. We only get a couple of glimpses of romancing. Mostly it’s the kind of comfortable attentiveness of a settled couple – get her some food, some coffee, etc. It’s GREAT – not knocking it, but Derek needs to be willing to put out some effort. Then, here is Derek in epi 4.4 when Meredith has her appendicitis. (OH, we should think about the synchronicity of Derek asking Cris to take care of Mer when he has to go and Mer is sick compared with the after test thing when Cris says she’s got it. ) It SO bugged me about him walking away. That was selfish. It was self-absorbed. And it was also victim behavior. Derek should have said, if he were healthy, “I will do everything in my power not to hurt her again.” Even if he thought Finn was “better” as in less damaged, it was not an act of love to walk away. It was an act of poor me. The focus wasn’t actually on Meredith, but on Derek. AND he didn’t give her time to make her decision. He took it from her essentially. At this point, their relationship isn’t healthy. Mer was right to not continue with Finn in that she knew she would be settling. That was healthy behavior. Choosing Derek, after Derek again left her? Not so healthy. Really, from 3.4 on, we don’t have a healthy relationship on either person’s part, but worse on Derek’s, I think. I get that Derek hated finding out what he did about Addison and Mark, but all he had to say to Meredith is that he just got some bad news or he’s in a bad place right now and he can’t talk. Instead he is in his own space. Derek doesn’t call. I don’t buy that it was wrong for Meredith not to tell Derek for a week that she broke up with Finn. She wasn’t keeping secrets . . .he had walked away. If she was dating him and didn’t say it, that’s keeping secrets. Meredith is lonely and decides to go and try to see Derek. Nancy is there. Derek should have run out the door yelling “She’s my sister!” Inaction on his part again. Then he needs space. OK. Meredith gave it. It had to be ripping her gut up. Derek is in his own space. And I have told you I hate what Derek says in the bar. It’s all about him. Here’s the line: DEREK: We met at this bar, do you remember? We met and you said "I'm just a girl" and I said "I'm just a guy" and we started this thing. We started this thing. You didn't know anything about me .The good ,the bad, the wife. You didn't even know my name. You didn't know me. I want you to know me. I want to start over, from the beginning. So hi. Derek Shepherd. Him saying this makes sense if she’d dumped him. But he dumped her. So it should have been “I want to know you” or “I want us to know each other.” Do I think he cares about her? Absolutely. But the focus is on what he wants and needs. That’s what the whole episode was, actually, on the Meredith Derek front. Yes, Meredith puts up a bit of protest . . . but she looks at Mark and thinks he’s a big cause of the problems and she thinks she can help Derek heal and overlooks reality. Skipping ahead to Ellis’s lucid day, because this is already ridiculously long, Ellis rattled Derek in her charges to him about his relationship with Meredith. That’s why he yells at Meredith in the hall. So he’s not exactly in a level place when Meredith is falling apart from her interaction with Ellis. He says he just let her drift away. It’s his inaction again. He’s so uncertain and indecisive. Now, like I said, this reunion of the two isn’t healthy on either side. I will say, if I were Meredith and had just gone through that with my mom and then here was Derek (who was always going to show up) letting her drift away – not forcing the issue (like we see the interns do later on in the season), I would be pretty shut down to him too. She can’t put energy into him right then. She doesn’t have it to give . . . that happens in all relationships (friends and lovers . . . sometimes it’s more than you can deal with). Derek realizes how much Meredith means to him. It overwhelms him. I do not believe he conveyed this to her, just like he didn’t say he loved her. The writing is so choppy in here, but I don’t see that it’s just Meredith not communicating. I don’t think either of them talked about the NDE. That was wrong. But generally I see them talking. Then Derek goes into self-protection mode. He truly does not show up. And he doesn’t talk. Meredith responds to what info she has (that she asked him not to hover) and thinks that’s the issue. But it’s not. And Derek is passive and victimized again. Meredith doesn’t reach out to anyone as things around her cave in. It’s not a preference for the interns over Derek. She can’t reach out to anyone. She did to the extent that she asked Derek not to give up on her. That was a lot for her to do: She died. Her mother died. Derek wasn’t showing up. She still asked for him to try and said she wanted to. Then Susan died and Thatcher slapped Meredith. She needs to get out of there. Derek remains the victim. Poor him. Meredith pushed him away after being slapped. I get that – with all the eyes there in the hallway. Would it have been better to run to his arms? Sure. But it’s not unforgiveable that she didn’t. It’s not unforgiveable that she went home and was having a drink with her roommates either. She thought Derek was coming there. No, Meredith wasn’t able to give Derek much at this point in time. The times she was trying, he didn’t accept (talking about the gps – ANNOYING, but she didn’t have all the info. Telling her what he was thinking about the breathing AFTER sex? I can almost get that he thought it might help to have sex and then it didn’t and couldn’t keep quiet anymore. But not a great choice to spill it like that). And then, after Susan’s death, after the slap, after the scene in the lobby and being excluded from the funeral, after the exam stuff, Derek mentions the girl in the bar being the highlight of his week? Meredith could have nothing to give at this point. To say, “You are the love of my life. . . but if you don’t think there’s a future, put me out of my misery” was just asking for disaster. Why hadn’t he been saying that all along? Why didn’t he say it after she said, “Don’t give up on me”? Again, in the midst of everything, it’s all about Derek. Now, I know Meredith screwed up in here too, so I’m not letting her off the hook for her behavior (she should have let him come to the funeral), but we get to this point because of Derek and his indecision – “Put me out of my misery” puts ALL the responsibility on Meredith. Where is that “What can I do to make this work?” or “What can we do so I’m not left out?” or . . . you get the idea. So we have passive, indecisive, victim Derek. He makes it sound like he’s the victim of loving Meredith. That’s what has to be fixed with Derek. We need to see Derek FIGHT for Meredith, regardless of what she can give. He needs to decide for HER, not stumble into her. We need to see Meredith be open to Derek. Probably a few other things we need to see, but I’m a little overdone at the moment and can’t think. I guess Meredith needs to trust Derek, but that should be a long road: He lied by blatant omission about being married. He chose Addison. He came back and said he’d give Meredith time and then he took the choice away. When she let him know that she wasn’t involved with Finn, he didn’t respond (and I guess since he walked away, he didn’t have to, but he had said he wanted her and was only walking away to protect her). Then he comes back, they try, it’s bumpy. He says, “I’ll always show up” although he really didn’t show up after Ellis’s lucid days in some ways (letting her drift away). Then he, understandably after the drowning, freaks. And then at that vulnerable point, he truly doesn’t show up. He doesn’t answer the phone. He goes to the trailer. They were basically living together . . . and now he’s gone for days? He lets the “don’t know if I want to breathe for you” bomb drop. Meredith tries to hang in there. Her world is overwhelming. She says don’t give up on me. Then one of the next meaningful conversations they have, he mentions bargirl. What is she supposed to do? Why would she trust his “love of my life” declaration? Truly, she shouldn’t. They should have talked, instead of the “It’s over “ thing at the wedding – but that’s just sucky writing. So that’s my Derek diatribe. I don’t see Meredith too broken for a relationship. I see Derek too broken for a relationship where he is truly committed – not just committed in actions, but truly committed. This helps me cope with the broken relationship . . . because it’s not so much Meredith being a jerk and Derek being a jerk and I guess I’m protective of Meredith. I hurt for her.


Lynn's Derek Diatribe · General On Topic Chat