Viewing Single Post From: LOVE IS IN EVERYTHING

Viewing Single Post From: LOVE IS IN EVERYTHING - Part 3
oncetherewasaway	Dec 4 2007, 10:43 PM
McEditor Posts: 1,625 Group: .Grey Girls. Member #23 Joined: October 25, 2006	Disclaimer: The hiatus is over! Hiatuses suck and might make you wonder if we own the show as well...the show is about to go into a hiatus. A possibly really long one. That will make this hiatus seem like heaven. We don't own the show....we'd never be that evil. (not that the strike is evil...you all know how we feel about that) Meredith took deep breaths in as she stood over the kitchen counter, her hand grasping at her mug desperately as she tried to calm her rolling stomach. The coffee pot hummed next to her as the smell of coffee permeated the air. Thankfully, the coffee didn't make the nausea worse. Because she needed coffee today. After a weekend of being off and trying to figure everything out, she needed coffee. She and her husband, who usually talked about everything and anything weren't actually talking. Which she should probably be used to by now as they just gone through weeks of not talking to avoid talking. But now it was different. Derek was somewhere completely in his own head. And Meredith knew she could get in if she tried, she just didn't actually want to know what he was thinking at this point. They had somehow found a way to avoid each other but not actually avoid each other. He had spent the entire weekend either in his office or playing with Hannah or taking really long walks with Eskimo. Of course, she had spent the weekend either hanging over the toilet or curled up on the couch, trying to work through everything. They weren't talking. And when they did, they didn't mention the baby. Which was probably good. They needed to take a step back and think. Thinking was good. Because she was pregnant and now the question had changed from whether they wanted a baby or not to what to do about the one that was on the way, regardless of how they felt. Thinking was probably a really good idea. They'd think for a bit and then they'd talk again. And avoiding while thinking made sense. She didn't want to pull him into this. He was always there. When she got up at three in the morning to vomit, he was right there, holding back her hair and whispering to her. He brought her ginger ale and crackers and in the mornings he made her toast. He was there. But he didn't need to be involved in the whole pregnancy thing. Not now. Not when they couldn't figure this out. The fact he was there for any of this was enough. She had no idea how he managed to avoid her and still be this entirely perfect husband but he did. And she needed that. She hated hugging the toilet constantly but Derek's hand on her back and his soft murmurs made it a little more bearable. At least she still had her husband. That was all she needed right now. She smiled slightly as she heard Derek and Hannah coming down the stairs, Hannah talking excitedly about her day. They weren't telling her. They couldn't tell her. They weren't even sure what would happen right now, and they definitely didn't know how to explain that they were thinking about things. So they just weren't telling their ten year old about her potential baby brother or sister. "Morning," Derek murmured to her as they reached the kitchen and he pressed a soft kiss on her cheek as he grabbed the mug from her hands and poured it down the sink. "Derek!" she frowned, watching the dark liquid pool in the sink. "What?" he asked, eyeing her stomach quickly. "You can't drink that." "But..." she frowned, moving her hand over her stomach. "I need coffee. And we don't...I need coffee." "I know you do and I know we don't...but...there's...I mean...you can't because...you just can't, Mer." "I hate you," she groaned. "Not generally just...just right now in this moment." "Figures," he laughed softly, ducking his head down to kiss her quickly. "Sorry." "You better be," she murmured as she leaned into him, taking another deep breath in as vomit rose in her throat. She was not going to throw up again. Definitely not again. Throwing up was the worst and she was tired of it. She was tired of throwing up. And now she couldn't even have coffee. This sucked. This completely sucked. "How are you feeling?" he whispered, a hand going to her back as he carefully avoided her stomach. He hadn't touched her stomach once since she had told him the news. "Like crap. As usual." "Are you okay to work?" "Derek..." "It's just a question. A yes or no question. With me being the protective husband taking care of his wife. I'm allowed to ask." "I'm completely fine to work," she sighed as she pulled away from him, looking back at the coffee pot longingly. "I'd be even better to work if I had coffee since I was up all night throwing up and...but I'm fine to work. I've been working for the past seven weeks. I'm fine." "Okay," he nodded, before frowning. "You've also been living on coffee for the past seven weeks." "Which I'm sure is fine," she shook her head, though she moved her hand quickly over her stomach. She hadn't thought about that. Coffee. She had had a lot of coffee. But they weren't sure if they were even...and there were women who went out and drank all the time during the first few weeks. But it didn't matter since they didn't even know. She rubbed her stomach slightly, turning towards the toaster where her toast had just popped up. "It probably is," he sighed, running his hand over his hair. "Are you still sick, Mom?" Hannah asked as she grabbed a bowl and the Lucky Charms, bringing them to the table as Derek turned to grab the milk for her. "Yeah, Han, just a little," Meredith sighed. "I learned in school that if you get sick a lot, it means you need more vitamin C," Hannah reported proudly. "And orange juice has vitamin C and so does strawberries and oranges. I don't like strawberries though. But maybe you do, Mom." "Strawberries are good," Meredith nodded, ruffling her daughter's curly hair. "But none for me this morning. I'll keep it in mind though." "Maybe orange juice like me," Hannah grinned as she poured herself a glass of orange juice. "Hmm..." Meredith frowned, her hand going to stomach. "Not right now." "Maybe later," Hannah shrugged. "And maybe you should go to Dr. Ross like I do when I'm sick." "Maybe I will," Meredith nodded. "Good," Hannah grinned as Derek sat down next to her, pouring himself a bowel of muesli. "And we'll keep taking good care of her," Derek smiled as he grabbed the orange juice from Hannah. "Yep, because you're a really good doctor and I'm gonna be a really good doctor," Hannah nodded as Meredith sat down at the table and took a bite of toast. She chewed it once, and then twice and then put it back on her plate, her hand moving over her mouth while her other held her stomach. "Mer, are you okay?" Derek asked softly. "I'm fine," she nodded quickly, standing up to throw the toast in the trash. "You should eat. You have a long day." "I should eat," Meredith nodded again. "I should. I want to. But every time I do I just..." She leaned forward and threw up a little bit into the trash can, coughing as Hannah grimaced. "Mer..." Derek sighed, jumping up to go over to her, his hand traveling to her back again. "I'm here." "Mom should definitely go to the doctor," Hannah sighed. "She will, Han," Derek nodded. "I'm okay," Meredith nodded, spitting out the last remnants of vomit. "I'm okay. And I'm running late." "It happens," Derek shrugged, rubbing her back. "Are you taking Han to school?" she murmured as she moved to the sink to wash her mouth out. "Yeah," he nodded. "Are you good to drive yourself to work?" "Derek, I can drive. I'm fine. It's just morning...it's just whatever. I'm fine." 'I know," he sighed. "But I get to worry." "Not all the time. Women do this all the time and...and we don't know yet. So...not all the time. I can drive. I can work. I'm fine." "Okay," he nodded. "Okay," she took a deep breath, moving her hand lazily over her flat abdomen. "You should probably get going," he sighed. "Probably," she nodded, reaching for her bag and her jacket. "I'll see you later, Hannah Banana," she murmured, kissing top of their daughter's curly head. "See you later, Mom," Hannah nodded. "Have a good day," Meredith nodded and then turned to Derek, biting her lip for a second as she quickly took her hand away from her stomach. That just made everything more awkward than it already was. "I um...I'll see you at work." "You will," he nodded. "Love you," she sighed, kissing him quickly on the cheek. "Love you too," he murmured, pressing a light kiss on her cheek. "Bye, guys," she sighed as she walked quickly out of the house, her stomach still rolling. Awkward. They were completely and totally awkward. Which was normal. It had to be normal when he was in his head and Hannah didn't know and she didn't know what was going on. She was pregnant. She had never wanted to be pregnant and now she was. Pregnant. It was big and huge and completely scary. She didn't know what to do. Derek didn't know what to do, which made everything even scarier because Derek always knew what to do. But he didn't. He hadn't wanted a baby. And she hadn't wanted a baby. But now there was one. There was a baby and everything in their usual happy family felt awkward and like some big fat lie. They needed to figure this out. They needed to do something. She just didn't know what. Because they were supposed to be happy. They were supposed to be living in a bubble. The three of them were supposed to be in a happy little bubble. And now they weren't. Now they weren't in a bubble, and they were barely them. He held her. At night, he wrapped his arms around her, but he wouldn't go near her waist or her stomach. And it was weird. He was so careful not to touch her stomach, so careful to not even look at it long. He'd look at her face, and smile. It wasn't his smile that still sent shivers down her spine but at least he'd smile. But he didn't look at the rest of her. He acted like it wasn't there. And if he wasn't talking with Hannah or trying to talk to her he would stare off into space a lot. He'd be there one second and the next he'd be somewhere entirely different, staring off and not really seeing anything around him. He was doing the Derek-y thing. He was doing the Derek-y thing where he went in his own head and didn't let anyone else in. Which was fine. It was probably even good. Because somewhere in his head he had to be able to find an answer to this. He had to know what to do, or what to feel. Because sometimes, just sometimes, she'd feel the tiniest bit of excitement, and she had no idea why. She just doubted that Derek was feeling that tiny bit of excitement. So maybe being in his head would help. And they would talk again soon. They didn't have that much time to make a decision so they'd talk again soon and maybe by then he would have an answer. And maybe she would because right now everything was getting jumbled up in her head. She didn't want a baby. She had no idea what to even do with a baby. But that excitement buzzed inside her, trying to say something about Derek and how amazing this could be. They had a daughter. They had an amazing ten year old daughter who was independent and mostly self-sufficient. Their life with their daughter was perfect. But their life with a baby...it could be perfect too. Or at least, that's what the voice was telling her. She wasn't sure she believed the voice. She was vomity and tired and had to pee all the time and her husband was being Dereky, nothing about that felt perfect or amazing. She just needed more time to think this all through. And he did too. And then they'd get rid of Hannah and do the talking thing again. It had gone well the first time, or at least a lot better than she had expected and it would work again. They were good at the talking thing. They would talk and she would just have to take some time to figure out if that happy voice had any valid points. She just wished her head wasn't all jumbled. And that her stomach would calm down long enough for her to get some sleep. Right now, being pregnant completely sucked and she couldn't help but wonder if any of this would end anytime soon. She hoped it would, she had a feeling it was supposed to, she just wished it was now. Immediately. Working today would be so much easier. At least work was easier than being at home, she thought to herself as she pulled into her parking spot. Which was the most twisted thought she had ever had because she loved her family, she loved being at home with her family. But right now it was awkward. Really completely awkward and she didn't know what to do about it. Work wasn't awkward. It was just work. Long and slightly torturous but not awkward. And avoiding Derek would be easier at work. Which actually probably beat the thought before in twistiness. She never wanted to avoid Derek. Ever. They usually found ways to be around each other at work. But avoiding him now...she needed to. She needed to clear her head and just...think. Think without worrying what was in his Derek-y head, where everything was quiet and sulky. "Meredith! You're here!" Lexie greeted her brightly, the second she entered the building. "Hey, Lex," Meredith sighed, trying to smile at her completely too bouncy sister. "How are you feeling?" Lexie breathed. "You kind of look like crap." "Thanks, Lexie," Meredith rolled her eyes. "I thought people were supposed to say crap like I'm glowing or whatever." "Well...you're not," Lexie sighed. "Where's Derek?" "Taking Han to school." "Oh," Lexie nodded, all of a sudden holding up books. "I was out last night and I found these and I thought you'd like them. Or well need them." "Books?" Meredith frowned. "Lexie...why...what..." "You're pregnant," Lexie whispered. "And you need to know...things." "Things?" Meredith sighed. "What...Lexie, seriously? A baby name book?" "He or she is going to need a name." "He or she..." Meredith shook her head, her hand going over her stomach. "Lexie, Derek and I...what's this one? What to Expect When You're Expecting?" "I figured it would be helpful," Lexie shrugged. "It's your first and it's...you should know those things." "My....my first," Meredith nodded slowly and then sighed, shaking her head. "Lexie, Derek and I...we don't...we might not...we don't know what we're going to do yet." "You...what?" Lexie frowned. "We don't...neither of us want kids and...we don't know what we're going to do." "Neither of you...what? But he's...you guys have Hannah and Derek is like...Derek's an amazing dad. Of course he wants kids. He probably wants a soccer team or something." "No," Meredith sighed, wincing slightly at the thought. "He's happy with Hannah. He said...and he hasn't touched my stomach or...he doesn't want kids. Neither of us want kids." "But...that doesn't make any sense. You're...amazing parents." "I know we are. We just...we're happy with Han and..." Meredith trailed off as she opened one of the books, peeking slightly at the text. Now she knew who the voice in her head sounded like. Lexie. It sounded exactly like Lexie. "And you love each other," Lexie insisted. "I mean...of course you love each other, you're married and everything but you both, you love each other in this strange and amazing way that most people don't. It's...you're like...some kind of fairy tale. Don't you want...I mean, it's your baby, Mer. Yours and Derek's baby." "Fairy tale?" Meredith frowned as she looked up from a paragraph about morning sickness. Which could apparently last until the end of the first trimester or the entire pregnancy. She would kill Derek if it lasted the entire pregnancy. If there was an entire pregnancy. There might not...they were thinking. She was thinking. "Lexie...I just...we're trying to figure this out." "What's there to figure out?" "Stuff. There's stuff to figure out. We don't...neither of us...there's stuff to figure out. We're trying to figure it out. Trying really, really hard to figure it out." "But it's...a baby." "Not helping, Lexie," Meredith murmured as her hand moved back over her stomach. "Sorry," Lexie frowned. "I thought...I thought Derek would be thrilled." "He wasn't." "He doesn't want a baby with you?" "I...he doesn't want a baby," Meredith shrugged. "He doesn't want a baby and...he wasn't thrilled. I wasn't thrilled. We just...we're figuring things out." "You don't have a lot of time." "Five weeks." "That's not a lot." "I know, Lexie." "Just...I thought..." Lexie frowned. "It's a...baby." "Lexie..." Meredith shook her head and then took a deep breath. "I have to get to work. I...thanks. For the books." "You're welcome," Lexie nodded. "If you need to talk...I can listen." "I know," Meredith smiled slightly at her sister. "But I...I'm figuring things out. I am. So...but thanks. I'll see you later." "See you," Lexie nodded. Meredith tucked the books into her bag as she made her way to the locker room, her head spinning. Because now Lexie and the voice had apparently joined forces to make this all even more confusing. Because it was a baby. And because Derek was an amazing dad. And because this could be perfect and amazing. Could be. Maybe. There were no promises that this could be amazing. It could be hell. Babies were babies and they were hard and they made things change. And they were happy. Their tiny little family was so perfectly happy that it still all felt kind of surreal. This wasn't the life she had planned on having and yet she had gotten it. She was happy. She was happy with life going against the plans. And now the voice was saying that this baby wasn't planned and that could be amazing too. Great. She just needed time to think. Which worked as she was apparently stuck catching up on charts all day. She could think while doing charts. She could finish up the charts and sort through everything and try to get to some kind of point where everything wasn't floating around her head like a big jumbled mess. And then maybe the voice that sounded like Lexie wouldn't be so damn loud. And maybe Derek had that voice too. It was possible. He was a great dad, he loved kids, at one point in his life he had wanted them so desperately he had done it alone. He wouldn't even have to be alone this time. Derek might have a voice too. And if he did they should probably talk. Because they needed to. They were in this together or whatever and talking might be good. Scary but good. They couldn't keep avoiding this. Avoiding this was bad. Really, really bad. They had avoided it last time and this was the karma for that. Now they were pregnant and confused and avoiding. They had to talk about the voice. The voice that was currently telling her to look at the books Lexie had given her. The voice that was telling her to look at names and to read about pregnancy. She could flip through the pages quickly at least. She was pregnant for now, regardless of what they decided in the future and it might be good to understand exactly what was going on with her body. And maybe there'd be a page about Derek being an idiot and she could drink coffee. It wouldn't hurt to look through the books or something. And the baby names book was just a list, that could be fun. Not pregnant people looked at baby names books all the time. There were thousands of names. Thousands and thousands of names and that made the baby names book just a little overwhelming. Because the baby could be a boy or a girl. Which then probably made the list grow to millions of names. Looking at a list of millions of names was not quick and she'd have to put it off. But she could flip through the pages about early pregnancy. Really fast. It was definitely a good idea to know a few things. And she should probably make that appointment with Addison. To make sure everything was okay and she was healthy and the baby was healthy. That was stuff they needed to know before making decisions. It was good to know that stuff. And it was okay that she was smiling while looking at the pages. It was only a little smile. It all sounded a little scary...but still...good. Because now she knew how big the baby was...or really how small it was. And it was really, really small. And she knew that its spine was starting to form. She knew things, and knowing things made her smile. It made her smile that her baby was developing a spine. Her hand moved over her stomach as she flipped over to a list of things to avoid during pregnancy. Which made the smile go away. Coffee was definitely on the list. She knew Derek had known what he was talking about. Of course he knew what he was talking about. He might have missed most of Hannah but his sisters had gaggles of kids. Derek had been right and she couldn't drink coffee for another six months. If they actually decided to keep it. They might not. She wasn't sure. She didn't know if she wanted to keep it. Birth control was on the list too, which made sense. And wine. Well, alcohol in general. She knew that. She knew she wasn't supposed to drink during pregnancy, she had done her OB rotation and she knew that. Except she was pretty sure she had had wine before finding out she was pregnant. She had drank coffee and wine and taken birth control and...this wasn't good. This could be really bad. She hadn't thought of avoiding it. People who were trying to get pregnant avoided it and they certainly hadn't been trying. They had been having sex to avoid talking about if they wanted to try or not. And there had been wine and birth control and none of this could be good. She needed to talk to Addison. She needed to make sure this was all okay and there was a decision to still be made. She closed the book quickly, hiding it in her bag and then moved quickly out of the locker room, staring at the surgical board. Addison wasn't in surgery. Which was good. Really good. Because she needed to talk to her. She really needed to talk to Addison and make sure everything could still be okay and that she wasn't growing some mutant baby or something. "Addie!" she called to her friend as the surgeon walked by with Mark. "Addie!" "Meredith," Addison frowned as she slowed to a stop. "I um...coffee," Meredith blurted out, looking over at Mark who was also frowning. "Coffee and probably some wine. Not a lot but...I've had it. And the pill. Coffee and wine and the pill and other stuff. I mean...I just...coffee. Derek said no coffee but then there's the wine. Which is...not a lot. But still...wine. The book said...the book said things." "The book," Addison nodded slowly. "Meredith, you're...it shouldn't be a problem." "But it might be." "There's lots of...it wouldn't be the first time something like this has happened to someone and it should work out fine as long as you start avoiding now. The first weeks won't hurt anything." "The book said a lot of development happens in the first weeks," Meredith sighed and then looked over at Mark, whose eyes were starting to widen. "Can we...I mean...private?" "Of course," Addison nodded. "We can make an appointment and talk about whatever you need to." "An appointment," Meredith nodded slowly. "Um...tomorrow? Are you free tomorrow? Because I can take my lunch and do an appointment and...I mean, I just want to make sure I'm okay. Because we still haven't...but tomorrow?" "Tomorrow sounds good," Addison smiled. "And try to breathe. They never mention it in books but it tends to be important." "I'm breathing," Meredith sighed. "I'm breathing. I just...the book said things and I've done things and we still haven't...but I just want to make sure....breathing. Right. I'm breathing." "There's no need to worry, Mer," Addison sighed. "I'll give you the completely work up tomorrow but everything should be fine." "Okay," Meredith whispered. "Have you...will Derek be coming as well?" "I told him," Meredith nodded carefully. "But um...surgery. He's really busy with surgeries." "Okay," Addison nodded. "So I guess I'll see you tomorrow." "Tomorrow," Meredith agreed and then turned to Mark. "Don't...you don't...whatever you're thinking it's probably wrong so just...don't." "I'm not stupid," Mark frowned. "There's only one way to think. You're...you and Shep..." "Don't," Meredith lowered her voice. "Please just...we haven't and...he'll tell you. He will because you're you and he tells you everything and if neither of you were married people would probably think...but he'll tell you. Just...don't. And don't tell anyone. Please." "Secrets safe with me," Mark nodded. "Thank you," Meredith breathed, her hand moving over her stomach. "And um...tomorrow, Addison." "Tomorrow," Addison nodded. "Good," Meredith nodded as she turned on her heel and walked back towards the nurses' station to grab her charts. Tomorrow. She had a doctor's appointment with Addison and they would make sure everything was okay before they made any decisions. And Derek didn't have to know or be there or...it was just an appointment. It was just a normal doctor's appointment. And she didn't need Derek thinking things. If she dragged him it would be pushing and she wasn't going to push. She was still thinking and he could still think and she didn't need him there for the appointment. She'd be okay without him. Entirely okay and then she would know more about the baby and she could do more thinking. And maybe the voice that seemed happy would be quieter tomorrow. A feeling, a moment A bursting of bubbles A panic to overcome On the verge of, on the verge of something wonderful Disclaimer: If we owned Grey's Anatomy, Katie wouldn't have had to deal with her bitchy mother and evil sister today over seeing Enchanted. Paddy would call us up and tell us to come to premieres and stuff. We really do wish we owned Grey's. He should probably be concentrating. Some strange, Meredith like voice in his head, was telling him that he should be concentrating on the task at hand. He had an important job to do. A job that involved saving lives and doing all that of that stuff. He needed to concentrate on something other than Meredith and the baby she was carrying. Not that he could actually concentrate on anything. He hadn't been able to concentrate all weekend. He had spent most of his time either with Hannah or in his office, but he hadn't actually been able to concentrate on anything but the word baby over and over again in his head. Meredith was pregnant. She was carrying a baby. A baby they hadn't planned, a baby he didn't think he wanted. A baby that could change anything. Concentrating was out of the question at this point. They needed to figure this out. They needed to figure out what the next step was and how to take it, together. Because this whole not talking thing was driving him completely insane. His wife was pregnant. She was pregnant with a baby. He couldn't think of it as his baby, if he did he wasn't sure he could really figure things out. It was just a baby, that his amazing wife was carrying. He needed to think. He just couldn't actually think. He had been trying. All weekend he had been trying. But between a busy ten year old and a wife dealing with morning sickness, he hadn't time to sit and think. He had even tried fishing, but Hannah had come along and had talked the entire time. He had no idea what do. Because there were two very loud voices in his head, and he couldn't concentrate on either one. One voice was screaming things about how amazing this was. Meredith was the love of his life and they were pregnant. She was carrying their child. And it was definitely amazing, everything in him knew that something about that sounded actually perfect. Him and Meredith sharing a child together would be something. And his other voice was screaming about how bad this could all be. They had the perfect life. He finally felt as if everything was going right. Finally felt as if he had something to go on. Hannah was ten. She had a busy social life, and she had ballet and horse back riding and everything else. But she was finally at the age where he could hand her off to his mom for a week while he and Meredith went away for a week. She was finally at the age where he could lay in bed with his wife without her walking in and demanding something. And a baby would change everything. A baby would destroy their perfect existence. A baby would demand attention for years, instead of them being the center of it all the baby would be. So that voice seemed stronger, that voice that told him this was perfect. He had never expected his life to get to this point after he had had Hannah. His life was never supposed to be perfect again and now it was. He had a career. He had a wife. He had a perfectly happy daughter. Everything was right on track. That voice was definitely louder. The voice that reminded him how hard this had been last time. The voice that reminded him of crying in corners while begging a baby to stop crying. Promising trips to Disney World if she would just stop. And then there was the other voice. The voice that kept screaming things about this being Meredith, his Meredith, the love of his life and having a child with her would be all kinds of amazing. He loved Hannah, he loved having Hannah and he loved sharing her with Meredith but actually having a child with her would be entirely different. It would be there. An that voice kept screaming words about perfection and rightness. Sometimes, that voice was louder. But most of the time, it was the other voice. It was the other voice that reminded him he could lose this perfectly happy life if they had a baby. The other voice reminded him that he wouldn't be able to sleep naked with his wife for another eighteen years. The other voice reminded him that he would have to give up his career again. And so would Meredith. He just wasn't sure which voice he was expected to listen to at this point. They both were right, or at least they could both be right. This could be amazing. Sharing a child with Meredith could be the most perfect thing they had ever done. Or it could blow up in their faces and go entirely and completely wrong. He needed to figure out exactly what voice he was supposed to listen to. And in the meantime, he had to take care of his busy ten year old and keep her from asking too many questions. He had to take care of his wife, who had morning sickness at all times of the day. He couldn't remember how long Hannah's mom had had it for, but he didn't remember it being this bad for her. Which of course led to him worrying. Not so much about the baby, but about his wife, which made figuring things out almost impossible. Meredith had to come first. Because right now they were a complete and utter mess but if he knew anything it was that above all he loved his wife. No matter what happened in the next few weeks, whatever they decided he loved his wife and he hated seeing her like that. She seemed to be sick constantly, this pregnancy that he didn't even want was waging war on her body. He hated watching it. He supposed it was one reason why he was hiding from her. Avoiding her. He had never avoided her. He loved her, he wanted to take care of her. But watching what this pregnancy was doing to her made him feel a whole range of emotions he wasn't ready to deal with. And those emotions made the thinking thing harder than it already was. So he avoided her. They avoided each other. And it sucked. He hated avoiding his wife, he hated the need to felt to avoid his wife. Meredith was his world, at least she was supposed to be. He didn't remember a time before where he had completely avoided her. Or kind of avoided her. He was there. He was as there as he could manage to be with still thinking. Because being around her made it impossible to think so he was trying to balance it. The best he could do was crawl in bed with her at the end of the night and pull her close, trying his hardest to avoid her stomach, and tell her he loved her. He wasn't sure why he couldn't touch her stomach, she did it all the time. She slept with one hand on her stomach, she walked around the hospital with her hand firmly in place. He wasn't sure she knew she was doing it. But he couldn't bring himself to do it. He just couldn't. If he did he was worried that the one voice would become stronger and then he wouldn't be sure which voice to listen to. Not that he knew to begin with. He felt like just maybe he was going entirely insane as both voices were making a lot more sense than he cared to consider. Hacng a baby with his Meredith could be the most amazing thing that ever happened to him. Or it could be the worse. He groaned as he threw his pen down. Paperwork would have to wait. Charts would have to wait. He couldn't think right now. He couldn't concentrate when the word baby was on constant repeat in his head. He couldn't dictate what had happened to a patient during surgery when the voices were battling things out. He couldn't figure any of this out when he was terrified his life was falling apart. They had been so damn happy and so damn perfect. A tiny voice in his head had kept reminding him that there was some other shoe to drop, that things couldn't remain in the perpetual state of perfection forever and eventually something like this would happen. And now it had and he had no idea how to deal with it. He wanted to do what was right, he just had no idea what that was. He loved his wife. He wanted their lives to be perfect. Maybe not the honeymoon state they had lived in for almost two years now, but he had wanted their lives to at least be perfect. For whatever reason, kids had never entered into his equation of perfect. They had Hannah. Hannah was more than enough for him. But then there was the other voice reminding him how incredible a baby with Mer could be. He needed to figure this out. He might have to take a weekend away from Meredith and the hand that was resting constantly on her stomach and from Hannah and he had to think. It was the only way he would get an answer. And they needed an answer. He needed o figure out what he wanted to do about this baby so he could help Meredith figure it out. He just needed to think. "You look like shit, man," Mark said from the doorway of his office. "Yeah, well I feel like it," Derek sighed, snapping out of his thoughts as he looked up at his friend. "Seems to be going around the Shepherd household," Mark said sarcastically as he fell onto the couch, running his hands over his face. "What are you talking about?" Derek frowned. "The whole hospital's talking about the She-Shepherd or whatever the hell they call her throwing up all over the place," Mark shrugged. "Not that I have any idea why." "She's...do you know something?" "Do you and Meredith think I'm stupid or something?" Mark growled. "No," Derek frowned. "Then yes I know something." "You do," Derek nodded slowly. "I was going to tell you." "I'm not bitching because you didn't tell me, Derek." "You're not? "No," Mark shrugged. "It's not fucking high school. You didn't tell me. I didn't come in here to whine like some kind of chick who needs to be the first in the gossip line." "Fine," Derek sighed. "Meredith is pregnant." "No shit." "It wasn't planned." "I'm shocked." "What's your problem?" Derek frowned "I don't have a problem," Mark shrugged. "Why the fuck would I have a problem?" "You're obviously pissed. I wasn't trying to keep it from you." "Yeah, I know." "I don't know what I'm supposed to do, Mark." "You mean have the baby?" Mark looked at him. "Doesn't seem that difficult to me." "I wish it was that easy," Derek groaned. "I...how the hell am I supposed to have another baby?" "You're not that old, Derek. You do it the same way you did it last time, only this time the mom sticks around." "You really think it's that easy?" "Yeah I do." "I wish it was." "You're doing the Derek thing. Going to make everything fucking complicated. There's nothing complicated about this, Derek," Mark growled. "Your fucking wife is having a baby." "Yeah, I know she is," Derek groaned. "I just don't know if I want it." "I should get you on your ass for that," Mark mumbled under his breath. "For what?" "Nothing.� "Nothing?" "I'm not seeing why the hell this is so damn complicated," Mark sighed. "She's pregnant. You're married. It happens." "But we didn't want it to happen." "Yeah, but it did,� Mark said after a minute, looking down at his hands, his fingers playing with his wedding ring. "It happened and now you have to deal with it." "Exactly where we run into the problem," Derek nodded. "You deal with it," Mark repeated, his voice stronger. "You deal with it in the best way. And you don't regret shit." "Regret...Mark...what are you talking about?" "What?" Mark sighed, running his hand over his face again before shaking his head. "You, man. You and Meredith and the baby. What the hell else would we be talking about?" "I don't actually know," Derek sighed. "I don't know what to do, Mark." "I'm not seeing the problem," Mark shrugged. "The problem is we didn't want to get pregnant. We didn't want what we're now facing." "So now you're just going to fucking throw it out like trash?" Mark growled. "What? No...I mean...we don't know." "Maybe you should learn to use protection if you don't want something," Mark growled, pacing the room. "Honestly, what the hell is your problem? We use protection...Meredith is like a Pill nazi." "Forget it," Mark shook his head. "Congratulations." "There's nothing to congrayulate me about," Derek sighed. "But honestly...what is going on?" "Nothing is going on, Derek," Mark snapped. "Something is clearly going on." "Just accept my congrats and forget it." "There's nothing to congratulate me for....unless you think a big mess is worth a congrats." "Hannah was a big mess and you bought the cigars before you even knew if she was a she." "That was different." "You got a random resident pregnant after a few dates instead?" "She wasn't random and it was still...different. We weren't...Mer and I are perfect. Our life has been perfect." "So glad yours is." "What the hell is your problem?" "Nothing," Mark groaned. "What the hell is wrong with us?" "What do you mean?" "We're Derek and Mark, we've been best friends for how long? And now we can't even sit and talk about our lives? How the hell did that happen?" "Shit happened." "Shit's not supposed to happen to us. You�re my brother." "Yeah," Mark sighed, turning towards the door. "Do me a favor. Have the kid. Name me godfather again." "If we have the kid you're godfather," Derek frowned. "But that's a big if and how is that doing you a favour?" "It just is," Mark shook his head sadly. "See you, Shep. Get your shit together." "Working on it," Derek nodded slowly. "Not if you're leaning where I think you're leaning," Mark mumbled, shutting the door firmly behind him. And now life had just gotten more complicated. Not that Derek was even sure that was possible at this point. Meredith was pregnant and they had no idea if they wanted to keep it, that should have been complicated enough. And now Mark was in on the act and Derek couldn't shake the feeling that he was leaving alot unsaid during their conversation which just caused another headache. He didn't need more headaches right now. He didn't need something to be wrong with his best friend, his brother, not when his wife was apparently throwing up all over the hospital. Not when the word baby was on repeat in his head. Those things caused enough of a headache. Add in work and now Mark...he needed time. He just needed time to figure this all out. Without headaches. He should probably try fishing, it usually worked best. He'd take a weekend to get out of here, without Hannah and the constant barrage of questions and Meredith and her likehood of getting sick everywhere. They could get away and talk and think and come out on top. It would be fine. it had to be fine. He'd take a little more time and figure out what voice to listen to. As for what to do now, he had no idea. Work. He had to work. He had to get work done and try not to think about the fact that his wife was sick. Try not think that she was sick because there was a baby growing inside her, wreaking havoc on her body. Try not think about any of this. He could work. It seemed like the only safe option until one of the voices finally won out. And eventually one of them had to. He wasn't sure which one he was rooting for. If he knew that all of this would be a hell of a lot easier but he didn't know. He didn't know if he wanted to listen to that calm practical voice that seemed to be making a lot of sense or the insanely excited one that didn't make as much sense but seemed too entirely too happy to stress about. He'd figure this out. They'd figure this out. Together. He had promised her they were in this together, and they were. He just wished he could believe she was as confused as he was. Something told him she wasn't, and something told him the more time that passed, the less confused she would be. Which meant he had to figure this out soon. Or at least after he got some work done. Maybe if he got some work done the figuring it out this would just follow. It was alway that way. Cutting cleared up his brain. He just need to cut and then all of this would make more sense to him. At least he'd hope it would. He wasn't sure how dealing with someone else's brain was going to make him feel better bout any aspect of his life but it was worth a try at this point. Anything was worth a try. Anything that could help him forget this mess for a few hours at least and then make it all clear in the end was worth a try. He knew what to do in the OR. He was in control. He had lost control of all of this seven weeks ago, and he just needed to get it back. Right now, that was all he needed. To get back control and to be with his Meredith again. Without this mess. And you keep it together Those feelings inside There's nowhere to hide Disclaimer: If we owned Grey's Anatomy Derek would totally take on a dragon. Cause that whole "Over my dead body" is entirely hot. Of course there's no such things as dragons. But we think Rose kind of looks like one. It works. Oh...and please not...abortion is slightly mentioned in this update. Very slight but it is there so we thought we'd tell you. And as said before if you don't want to read PM us for a brief over view of what happened. Meredith shifted slightly in her seat, looking up and around the kitchen as she took another bite of toast. Derek wasn't down yet. Neither was Hannah. Which was good. She had to put the book away when Derek came down and she wasn't done yet. She wasn't done taking notes, writing down all the questions she wanted to ask Addison today. So Derek taking his time was definitely good. He couldn't know she was doing this. And she hated that, she hated that she couldn't share this with her husband. She hated lying to her husband even if it was only lying by omission. It felt entirely wrong and dirty. But she couldn't tell him. He didn't know. She still didn't know. If she talked to him about this it would be bad. She needed to do it but he couldn't be part of it, not yet. There were things she wanted to tell him. She wanted to tell him that the baby was starting to get arms and legs. She wanted to tell him that the baby's head was getting bigger. She wanted to tell him the news that made her want to kill him...the morning sickness was only going to get worse before it got better. She wanted to tell him everything. But instead, she was hiding the book behind her neuro text. It wasn't supposed to be like this. She wasn't sure what it was supposed to be at this point but she knew this wasn't it. She hadn't meant to even read the book this much but once she started she couldn't actually stop. She liked reading the book, she liked knowing what was going on. Even if it made that tiny voice get even louder and she had to fight the urge more and more to talk to Derek. They still weren't talking, which bothered her. They talked. Except when they didn't, which was how she ended up pregnant in the first place. But they were supposed to be talking. They were supposed to be making decisions. And she assumed he was supposed to know what was going on. He noticed things. He noticed the morning sickness, he smirked when she couldn't button her button down shirt over her boobs, he noticed things. He just didn't talk. He just looked spacey. If Hannah wasn't distracting him he spent a lot of time looking spacey. He'd hide in his office and when she walked by he would never actually be doing work, just staring at the wall and looking too distracted to do anything. She wondered how he even managed to cut at this point. He was in his own head and for once she didn't think she had the right to push herself in there. They had things to figure out. They hadn't wanted more kids. The plan hadn't involved a baby. And now there was one on the way who was apparently the size of a blueberry and they needed to figure things out. She understood the spaceyness. She understood the avoiding. She wanted to do it sometimes too. So she'd let him be spacey for a while until they wrapped their heads around this. "Morning," he murmured suddenly appearing in the kitchen. "Oh, um...morning," she said quickly, reaching over quickly to close her notebook. She had pages of notes. It was what she did, what she was used to. College and medical school made her take notes and she had notes and questions. Notes and questions she wasn't sure he wanted to be involved in yet. "How are you feeling?" he asked, stifling a yawn as he reached into the fridge for the orange juice. "Better than an hour ago," she sighed, turning the page of the book quickly. She'd finish this paragraph and that would be it. "That's good," he nodded, yawning again. "Tired?" she asked, closing the book and slipping it into her bag as she stood up to wrap her arms around his back, wincing at the tenderness of her boobs. Okay, not only was she wearing his t-shirt instead of hers, but she was in pain. Which was normal, she knew that. She just hated it. "Yeah," he sighed as he leaned back into her, his hand going to tangle over hers. "Didn't get much sleep last night." "I know," Meredith whispered, squeezing his hand tightly. He hadn't even come to bed until almost one and then had spent most of the night moving around. "Sorry if I kept you up." "You didn't," she promised quietly as he turned in her arms and kissed her gently. "Good," he smiled against her lips. "I made Hannah lunch," she pointed out, nodding towards Hannah's lunch box which sat next to her own pile of crackers and cheerios and carrots and celery sticks. She wasn't actually sure she could keep any of it down, but the book said it would help. She really had to thank Lexie if it did. "Thanks," he sighed, looking at the other bags and smiling at her quickly, pressing another soft kiss on her lips. "Morning," Hannah announced sleepily as she came into the kitchen, already dressed for school. "Morning Hannah," Derek smiled, pulling back from Meredith but leaving a hand on her back. "Are you feeling better, Mom?" Hannah asked as she grabbed a bowl from the cupboard. "A little," Meredith nodded. "At least today I am." "Good," Hannah grinned. "Did you go to the doctor and he made you feel better?" "Well no," Meredith sighed. "But I'm feeling a little better anyway. And that's all that matters." "Daddy," Hannah looked up, "Mom's wearing your favorite t-shirt." "She is," Derek smiled. "Why?" "Because she felt like wearing it today," Derek shrugged, kissing Meredith's cheek quickly. "She looks cute in it." "Yeah, right," Meredith rolled her eyes as she leaned into him. He was in a good mood. A really good mood and he was...they weren't awkward. Which was nice. It was nice to be them for once. "You do," he laughed softly. "Very cute. Very mine." "Very yours?" she raised an eyebrow. "Yes," he nodded. "Wearing my clothes, it makes me look at you and think mine." "You're such a caveman," she giggled as her hand moved over her stomach. "I try my best," he sighed, looking at her hand for a second, a tiny smile tugging at his lips before he cleared his throat and looked up. "I um..." she said after a moment, her own smile tugging at the corners of her lips as she fought the very strange urge to take his hand and put it over hers. It was weird. Very, very weird. Maybe the book said something about that urge. She was starting to depend on the book too much. In one day, the book had become her weird everything. "I um...are you taking Han to school or me?" "Up to you," he shrugged, smiling softly at her again before turning to Hannah. "Han, who do you want?" "You," Hannah sighed. "Last time Mom took me she pulled over and got sick on the street." "Sorry about that, Han," Meredith frowned. "It's okay," Hannah shrugged. "You said you feel better now." "I do," Meredith nodded. "Today I do." "Good," Hannah grinned widely as she started slurping at the milk in her bowl. "So it is still me?" Derek asked. "I think it's probably best," Meredith sighed. "I have to get to work early anyway." "Okay, I can take her," Derek nodded. "Good," she smiled, wrapping her arms around his waist. "Hey, Der?" "Yeah?" "Can we have stir fry for dinner tonight?" "Stir fry? The kind full of vegetables and healthy things?" "Yeah," she grinned. "With soy sauce, lots of soy sauce. Like that Chinese place down the street from the hospital." "We can have that," he nodded. "We can have that," he nodded. "Don't forget the soy sauce though." "I won't," he smiled, kissing her gently. "And maybe lo mein or something," she sighed and then frowned. "I hate Chinese food." "That would be...cravings," he murmured. "You're having weird cravings." "Cravings," she whispered. She had read about it in the book. Cravings. She was having weird cravings for things she didn't even like. She had to make sure to ask Addison about that too. "Cravings. Okay." "I'll take care of it," he nodded. "Chinese it is." "Thank you," she murmured, kissing him quickly. "Let me know if you change your mind. Sometimes...they can change." "They change?" "They can. By supper you might want pizza covered in pickles." "Derek," she groaned, one hand moving over her mouth quickly as the nausea rose. "No pizza. Ever." "Okay, I'll keep that in mind," he nodded. "Okay," she sighed, resting her forehead against his chest, willing her stomach to settle. He was doing the protective thing. Or the normal thing. Or...he was taking care of her. He was willing to go out and get Chinese food and...she should tell him. She should tell him about the appointment and that their baby had a heart and kidneys and a spine. "Derek?" "Yeah?" "I um...there's..." she trailed off. "I have...um..." It was simple to say. Simple to tell him she had a doctor's appointment with Addison during lunch. Except she wasn't even sure he wanted to go. And he was spacey. She was supposed to let him be spacey, not make him even more spacey. "Hmm?" he murmured. "I have to go to work," she said lamely. "Oh," he frowned slightly. "I know that." "Yeah. I know. I just...work. And I'm scrubbing in with Dr. Wheeler today which is...I mean, he's a great neurosurgeon but he doesn't...he hates...so yeah, I have to go to work." "He hates me so he hates you by extension and he's not even as good as you," Derek sighed. "You're going to have a long day." "And he hasn't been...I mean, the vomiting and the peeing and the...long day," she groaned. "He hasn't been?" Derek asked. "Patient or...he snaps," Meredith sighed. "It's fine. I can handle it. Just...long day." "Okay," he nodded. "If he gives you any problems let me know." "Derek..." "No," he shook his head. "Not being over protective. I'm the head of neurosurgery. If one of my surgeons is giving another hell I need to know about it." "And it has nothing to do with me and the...with me?" "Maybe a tiny bit but really...if he's being more assish than usual let me know. I've been looking for a reason to yell at him." "Fine," she rolled her eyes, reaching around him to grab her baggies of snacks. "I'll see you later?" "Definitely," he nodded, kissing her quickly. "Love you." "Love you too," she smiled, turning to grab her bag and her notebook off the table. "Bye, Han." "Bye Mom," Hannah smiled. "Have a good day at school," Meredith grinned, kissing the top of her daughter's curly head. "Love you.' "Love you too," Hannah sighed. "I hope your tummy stays good." "I hope so too," Meredith groaned, moving her hand over her stomach, rubbing it gently. "It will be fine," Derek nodded, smiling at her. "You say that like you know," she shook her head, looking at her watch. "Okay, seriously. I have to go. I'll see you at work, Der." "I'll be there soon," he nodded. "Okay, bye," she smiled as she turned and walked out, hugging her notebook close to her. It hadn't been bad. They hadn't been that awkward. She probably should have told him about the doctor's appointment. If Addison found out she didn't, she'd kill her. Actually kill her. Addison was all about Derek knowing everything and...she probably should have told him. He seemed pretty good today. He was smiling at her, smiling a lot at her. And she wasn't actually sure what the smiling meant but it was nice. He wasn't as spacey and it probably would have been good to tell him. He was all about taking care of her and that's all the appointment was, her taking care of herself. It didn't mean she was going to keep it, she just needed to get checked out. The weird thing was she...she wasn't sure what the weird thing was except knowing that her baby had a spine and a heart and kidneys made this...she was excited. She couldn't even explain why. She felt like crap all the time. She couldn't stop vomiting, she was exhausted, her bra was way too tight, and none of her t-shirts actually fit her. But she was excited. Kind of. She had a human growing inside of her, an actual human. That was part of her and Derek. That had been created during some violent sex on their kitchen counter which just seemed appropriate for them. She was pregnant and it was terrifying. She didn't know about being a mother to a newborn. The books didn't talk about that part. But this part was starting to seem kind of cool. The book was scary. The book talked about things she didn't even want to think about. But just the fact that in a couple weeks she would be able to hear the baby's heartbeat...that wasn't scary. Not really anyway. It was the after part. The after part was terrifying. After she had a baby and there was a newborn and...that was scary. That was completely scary. That voice wasn't even quite saying no anymore. It was repeating scary over and over again. Over the last five years she had gotten used to the mother thing with Hannah but that had taken a lot of time. And Hannah wasn't a tiny baby that depended on her. Hannah was an amazing little girl that was great and easy to be a mother to. A baby would be so different, so frighteningly different. She wasn't sure how to take care of a baby. She had done a round in OB and pediatric surgery. So taking care of a baby medically...but there was something completely different about actually bringing a baby home and taking care of it and...it would depend on her. Completely on her. Well, Derek too. But on her. She would be a baby's mom and that just seemed...insane. And scary. And she didn't know if she wanted to face that fear. She definitely didn't know if Derek wanted to face that fear. He was better today, he seemed more like Derek today and he kept smiling. She just didn't know what that smile meant. It could have been a happy pregnancy smile or it could have been his usual I love my wife a lot smile. She didn't know where his head was and that wasn't helping her head. She had to talk to him. She had to figure this out and talk to him. Because that might help. That might help with the fear and everything...or it might just make everything else completely insane again. "Lexie," she called out to her sister as she walked into the hospital. "Hey Mer!" Lexie grinned. "You look good today." "I feel better," Meredith sighed. "I don't know how long it's going to last. The book says it could get worse before it gets better so...but I feel better." "You've been


LOVE IS IN EVERYTHING - Part 3 · GA FAN FICS