Viewing Single Post From: LOVE IS IN EVERYTHING

Viewing Single Post From: LOVE IS IN EVERYTHING - Part 3
oncetherewasaway	Dec 4 2007, 10:45 PM
McEditor Posts: 1,625 Group: .Grey Girls. Member #23 Joined: October 25, 2006	~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "So far everything is looking good," Addison smiled. "Really?" Meredith breathed, shifting uncomfortably in the stirrups. "Really," Addison nodded. "Looks perfect actually." "So I'm...I mean...everything is okay?" Meredith smiled slightly as Lexie grinned next to her. "Everything is okay," Addison smiled. "Want to see?" "See?" "Sonogram," Addison nodded. "There's not actually much to see at this point but it kind of makes up for all the boring parts of the appointment. We'll even take a picture for Derek." "Oh," Meredith gasped. "There's...picture. I mean, the book said...it said small like a blueberry or raspberry or...really? See?" "It won't be much but there is something to see." "Um...I guess," Meredith bit her lip. "I mean...I don't know. Yes. Maybe. I guess." "I'll take that as a yes. You can take your legs out of the stirrups and get more comfortable. You know how this works." "I know," Meredith nodded as Addison prepped her and then turned on the machine. Baby. There was going to be a baby on the screen. It seemed...it seemed big and huge. Even for a raspberry it seemed really big. "As I said, there isn't much to be seen at this point, the fun pictures don't come till later but this gives you an idea. Your first peek at Baby Shepherd." "Baby...Baby Shepherd," Meredith breathed as she stared at the machine. She had read these before. Unlike most moms, she knew where to look and suddenly..."Oh wow." "See it?" "Yeah. Yeah...I...the heart is...and yeah." "Always nice not having to explain everything," Addison laughed "Is it...I mean, does it look okay?" Meredith murmured. "It looks great, Mer. Baby Shepherd seems to be developing right on schedule." "I...when? I mean, if...if we decide...when?" "December," Addison smiled. "A Christmas baby." "That will be amazing, Mer," Lexie grinned. "The family will love it," Addison grinned. "I...yeah," Meredith stared at the machines, her eyes filling with tears. "Maybe...maybe you should turn it off." "Taking a picture for Derek first." "He doesn't want a picture," Meredith choked out. "He doesn't...we don't...we haven't...he doesn't want a baby." "Oh Mer," Lexie murmured. "He's thinking, you're both thinking." "No," Meredith shook her head. "No. He doesn't...he's thinking and we're thinking about...and it's right there and I can't...I can't take care of a baby. That's...I can't. We're thinking about...we didn't want a baby. We didn't want a baby and now we have four weeks to make a decision. We have a month. A month and that's not a lot of time. That's not a lot of time to think." "It's enough time," Addison sighed. "You two just need to talk. And show him the picture as he's conveniently in surgery." "Addison..." Meredith breathed. "He...I didn't...turn it off. Please." "I'll turn it off but you have to show him this picture, you both need to talk." "He doesn't want to see a picture, Addison. I'm letting him think. He's spacey and he won't...he doesn't want to see a picture." "Are you trying to claim that Derek Shepherd doesn't want to see his child?" "Addison, he doesn't even want a baby." "Meredith, he's thinking," Lexie sighed. "You're both thinking and you...you're thinking differently. He might be to." "I'm not thinking differently," Meredith denied as she grabbed her clothes. "I'm not. I'm not thinking differently. A baby...the baby...our baby...I...I don't know. I don't know what I'm thinking. I'm nauseous and...I don't know what to think." "And neither does he," Addison sighed. "You don't know what he's thinking." "He doesn't even...he won't even touch my stomach and he's avoiding. He's avoiding which is fine but...I have a month." "You both have a month. He doesn't get to avoid this." "Maybe I should...I mean, he doesn't want a baby. He doesn't and I...it's heart was beating. I couldn't...I can't it for another two weeks, right? But...I mean, beating. It was beating." "Meredith, he's your husband," Addison sighed. "You...you seem like you want this. You need to talk to him." "Maybe I don't. Maybe I don't want this." "Really?" Addison raised an eyebrow. "I don't...I usually don't...I can't be a mom. I can't be." "Why not?" "Because it's a baby. It's a baby and I...I can't do this. I can't. I should just go ahead and...not wait. I should not wait." "Not wait?" Addison frowned. "I'm not doing anything until both you and Derek have talked to a counselor about your options and have had a long talk with me." "Options...I...I have to go." "You have to talk to him, Meredith." "And say what?" Meredith breathed as she pulled her scrub pants back on. "I don't know...because it's a baby. It's a baby." "It's yours and Derek's baby," Lexie whispered. "Our baby," Meredith gasped as tears ran down her cheeks. "I can't...I don't know...I have to go.” "Mer...do you need Derek?" Lexie asked gently. "No. No I don't need Derek. I don't need Derek because he's...I have to go." "You're upset, you need someone." "I'm not upset," Meredith shook her head, wiping her cheeks quickly as she tried to take a deep breath. "I...I have surgery. I have surgery and...I don't need Derek." "Okay," Lexie nodded, wrapping her arms around Meredith. "It will be okay, Mer." "I have to go," Meredith murmured. "I feel like...I feel like...nauseous. I'm nauseous and I have to work and there are pictures. Right, Addison? A picture?" "There's a picture. Here," Addison sighed. "Oh," Meredith breathed, staring at the picture. "Oh." "It's your baby," Lexie murmured. "My...my baby," Meredith nodded and then paled. "I'm going to vomit." "Garbage," Addison pointed to a garbage can. Meredith nodded as she leaned over the trash can, emptying her stomach of the snacks she had been trying to eat all day. Baby. She was having a baby. There was a baby with a heartbeat in her. A really small baby...but a baby. There was a baby and she couldn't...she wasn't ready. She wasn't ready for a baby. But it was a baby. Her baby. Their baby. There’s no escape So keep me safe This feels so unreal Disclaimer: If we owned Grey's Anatomy Derek would borrow Robert's sexy outfit from the ball. We're not exactly sure why a neurosurgeon would be wearing that kind of thing but we'd find a way to work it in. That and the dancing and the singing. Derek would Robert basically. She should probably find him. The picture Addison had handed her was burning a hole in her pocket and she needed to talk to him. She just needed to get it over with and figure out where he stood or something. It would be fine. She was scared but it would be fine. It had been fine the first time and the talk was just...they needed to talk about this. They needed to decide this together. They had a month. One month. Four weeks. And it wasn't getting easier to figure this out. She had thought she would just get checked out. And instead she knew things now. She knew that her baby's heartbeat was a little fast, but it would slow down soon. She knew the baby was born around Christmas time. She knew her baby was a little bit bigger than a blueberry. She knew things now. And Derek knew nothing. Well he might know a few things because of his sisters and because of Hannah's mom but he didn't know things about this baby, Baby Shepherd. Addison had scribbled that on top of the picture, Baby Shepherd. Derek knew nothing about their baby Shepherd and he should probably know things. At least before he really made a decision. It was only fair. She should have told him about the appointment. He should have been there. He should have been able to see things. The heart and...their baby. Baby Shepherd. He didn't know the things about Baby Shepherd and he should have been there because he was Baby Shepherd's dad. He was Daddy Shepherd or...she wasn't making sense. None of this was making sense. Which made the talking thing seem quite possibly impossible. She wasn't sure how she was supposed to talk to him about the baby when nothing made sense to her. But he was Derek and it was quite possible he could help this thing make a little more sense. She was carrying their baby. She was pregnant with a baby they hadn't been trying for but it came anyway. And now they had to figure out what to do. But she had to find him. She had to talk to him. She had to at least show him the picture that had been in her pocket since noon. The picture of Baby Shepherd. She practically had it memorized. The heart. The small blueberry that was in her uterus. She had to at least show him the picture. He had the right to know about the picture of their baby. The baby they hadn't wanted. "Mer..." his voice came from behind her. "Derek," she turned quickly, stuffing the sonogram picture back in her pocket. "Hey." "Hey," he nodded. "I um...was coming to find you." "You were?" "Yeah. I um...I had this...are you okay?" she sighed, looking at the look in his eyes. The sad look. The spacey look. The look that meant he wasn't coming to look for her because he wanted to be around her. "I'm fine," he attempted a smile. "No you're not. Did you...I mean...patient?" "No," he shook his head, reaching her hand and squeezing it softly. "Just...didn't have much cutting to do today and been...thinking. But I'm good." "Thinking," she nodded slowly. "I...I was...and there was and I..." She trailed off as the nausea hit and her free hand went immediately to her stomach. Where Baby Shepherd was. Baby Shepherd. He needed to know about Baby Shepherd. Except he had been thinking. He had been thinking and he looked...panicky. "You okay?" he frowned slightly. "Yeah," she nodded quickly. "Just Bab...nausea. That's it." "Okay," he nodded as his frown deepened. "Why are you still in scrubs?" "Still in..." she looked down. "What time is it?" "Five." "Oh," she breathed. Five hours. It had been five hours since she had gotten the sonogram of Baby Shepherd. The picture that was in her lab coat pocket. The picture with a heart. She had had it for five hours. And he looked sad. And panicky. And spacey. He wouldn't want to see the picture. He wouldn't. He was going to go home tonight and stay in his office until one or two and then come to bed and put his arms around her, being careful not to touch her stomach. She couldn't tell him. "Yeah, time to go," he sighed. "I um...I had...and now I have..." she trailed off. Sonogram. She had a picture of their baby. She just had to say that. She had a picture of Baby Shepherd. A picture he probably didn't want to see. A picture that would probably make him spend all night in his office, not looking at her at all. They had had a good morning. And now he was spacey. "Have?" he frowned. "I have to stay late," she shrugged. "You...what?" "I have to stay late," Meredith nodded. "With a patient. The patient I operated on earlier. Dr. Wheeler...I have to stay late." "Oh," he nodded. "What time will you be home?" "I don't know. I might...I might have to stay all night." Lying was easy. It was easier to lie when he wouldn't look her in the eye. Easier to lie when he looked like the last thing he wanted to be doing was holding her hand right now. "Okay. I guess Hannah and I will have a Daddy Hannah night," he sighed. "She'll like that." "She'll miss her mom." "I know," Meredith sighed. "I'll miss her too. But...how long has it been since it was just the two of you for a night?" "It's been a while," he nodded. "Will you miss me?" "I'll definitely miss you," she smiled slightly. "Good," he nodded. "I'll miss you too." "You will?" she sighed. "Yeah. Of course I will." "Oh," she breathed, running her free hand over her eyes. Hormones. She was hormonal and that was why she felt like crying. Not because she had the image of her baby in her brain. And not because he looked completely panicked and spacey. "So I guess I'll see you later." he sighed. "Later." "Call me tonight if you're lonely in an on call room," he smiled slightly. "Okay," she smiled back, her hand moving to the pocket of her lab coat, tightening around her picture. She had to tell him. She had to tell him something. Even if it was something small and stupid. She had to tell him. "And get some rest because...just get some rest." "I'll try," she nodded, chewing on her lip. "December." "What?" "December," she repeated. "I...around Christmas. That's when...if we decide to...December. A Christmas baby. December." "December," he breathed, his eyes suddenly focusing on her for the first time since the conversation had started. His hand moved suddenly, lingering over her stomach and pulling away before he actually touched it. "A Christmas baby." "A Christmas baby," Meredith echoed, her eyes filling with tears as her own hand wrapped around her stomach. "How do you know?" he whispered. "I...Addison," she finished lamely. "And math and I'm a doctor. But I told Addison and she...December. You know, in case...if we want to...December." "December," he nodded, his hand going to her stomach again but not touching it. "December." "Derek," she breathed, blinking back tears. "Hmm?" he murmured. "I...it changed." "What?" "Grilled chicken ceasear," she smiled slightly. "All I've wanted since...grilled chicken cesear." "Oh," he smiled slightly. "Want Han and I to drop some off?" "If you do..." she grinned. "Yes, please. I'm...unless you don't want to. But cravings and...please?" "We'll be here," he smiled. "It will take a couple of hours so I can make it...but we can do that." "Okay," she nodded. "Thanks." "No problem," he nodded. "Anything for desert?" "Chocolate ice cream?" she frowned slightly. "Yeah, chocolate ice cream. Oh, and that bread. You know the bread they have at the grocery store. The one you like. The Greek Olive or whatever?" "You hate that bread." "I know." "Okay. Grilled chicken cesear, Greek Olive bread and chocolate ice cream." "And milk." "Lucky I love you." "I love you too," she murmured. "So I guess Hannah and I will see you in a few hours," he nodded. "Can't wait," she sighed. Maybe she'd show him the picture then. Probably not. Because of Hannah. But maybe she could at least tell him that their baby had a heart. Which he probably knew. He probably knew that. "I love you," he sighed. "I know I'm...but I do. I love you." "I love you too." "Good," he smiled slightly. "So I'll be back in a bit." "Okay," she sighed. Picture. She had to tell him. Had to show him Baby Shepherd. She had to. "Derek." "Yeah?" "I...Add...I have...I have to go check on the patient," she finished lamely. "Okay," he frowned, leaning forward to kiss her quickly. "See you soon." "Bye," she murmured. "Bye," he nodded. "Love you." "Love you too," she sighed as he turned to walk away, his shoulders hunched. Spacey. He was spacey. He was spacey and panicky and he wouldn't...they were having a baby. She was pregnant with a baby who was going to be born around Christmas and he couldn't even look at her. Or touch her stomach. She saw enough new dads to know that was normal. But not Derek. He was spacey. He was trying, she knew that. He was bringing her supper and he said he would miss her. That was good. He didn't look like he really wanted to be around her at this point but he seemed like he would at least actually miss her when she wasn't home tonight. Which made her feel even worse. Because she should be home tonight. She just didn't want to be around spacey Derek. Spacey Derek at home meant hours in his office while she played with Hannah. Spacey Derek came out of his office for an hour to tuck Hannah in and read her a bedtime story, or have her read him a bedtime story. And then Spacey Derek went downstairs and back into his office. And she would go to bed alone until around one when he would find his way upstairs. She couldn't be around Spacey Derek now. Not when she had a picture of Baby Shepherd. She just needed a night away from the house to think about what do next. Because she had the picture and something told her she needed to show it to him. He needed to know that there was a blueberry in her stomach that had a heart and spine and everything else. And maybe when he came with the meal he'd be less spacey. They could send Hannah off to play with someone and they could talk. She just wasn't sure what to say to him. Because right now the voice in her head was telling her there was a blueberry in her with a spine and heart and that was amazing. And it was. It was kind of amazing. It was kind of amazing that there was a person in her, that she wasn't just vomiting for no reason. Or not fitting into her blouses for no reason. She had a person. She was going to have a baby. That was pretty amazing. She just wasn't sure Derek would find it all that amazing. Which was a problem. So she'd just have to waste some time at work before she could talk to him. Except for now she was stuck at work and she didn't actually have anything to do because she was supposed to be home. She had a night stretching in front of her and nothing to actually do. Which had never happened at the hospital before. She needed to think too. That was the thing too. She had to think. Derek was spacey. But she needed to think through this. She needed to work through everything and decide what she wanted. Because she was starting to get the feeling she knew but the thought of what she thought she wanted was...scary. And she wasn't sure she could do it. She wasn't sure about anything. So she needed to think. Which meant she should probably find somewhere quiet. She could use Derek's office. She had his key and it would be quiet. But she wasn't exactly sure how much thinking she would get done if she was sitting in the chair they had had sex in more than once, surrounded by pictures of them and Hannah and all of the stuff that was so entirely them. Derek's office wouldn't work. If she went into an on call room, she'd fall asleep. And the locker room always had people. Tunnels had her friends and other residents and interns. And it was pouring rain out, the roof wouldn't work. But she needed a quiet place to think. A quiet place to think and process everything. Process the fact that she was thinking maybe having a baby could be completely amazing. Babies. She could go to the babies. She used to do it constantly, she used to constantly go see the babies when she needed somewhere quiet to think or to just be away from the headache of her internship and that annoying attending that made her life hell and was now at their house being spacey and pouty. She could go to the babies. It would be a good place to think about babies. Definitely babies. That was the best idea. She would just go up to the babies and look at them and then look at her own blueberry. Which sounded weird. Calling her baby a blueberry was probably very, very weird. Baby Shepherd. She had a picture of Baby Shepherd. So she would look at other people's babies and then try to figure out what to do with her own. She headed upstairs and hoped that no one would see her. Because she wasn't supposed to be here and she didn't need Derek to find out the truth. He'd get it. He had spent a few nights at work that she knew hadn't been needed. He had been stretching out his hours so he would get it. But he had never actually lied to her about it so she didn't need him finding out that about the lie. She smiled as she neared the window, her eyes on the newborns. They were cute. And there were other parents around her, waving and grinning. They were happy. They were ecstatic. She couldn't help but wonder if any of them had been terrified in the beginning. If any of them had thought about not keeping their babies. Probably not. They looked too happy. She wasn't exactly sure her and Derek would ever look that happy about the baby. Or if it would even get to the point that they'd be standing here waving and pointing to their own baby. She didn't even know if she wanted to be at that point. That was a big point. These people were happy and definitely wanted a baby. She wasn't even sure she wanted a baby. She had a baby though. She had a baby inside her. A really small baby with a heart and kidneys and a spine and...they had a baby. They were going to have a baby. In December. She had never even wanted a baby and now she was going to have one sometime around Christmas. It was insane. It was completely insane and she had no idea what to do. "Mer?" "George," Meredith greeted, smiling and then gasping. "Crap. Crap. I'm not here. Me...you don't actually see me. Or you do. But if Derek asks you don't. I mean, if you see him and he asks if you know...I'm on that Wheeler cars. I'm not here." "Okay," George frowned. "Um...except, why aren't I telling Shepherd? He's um, he's your husband and I thought you were off. Are you not...unless you aren't off. You might not be off." "I'm off. My husband just doesn't know I'm off. Which is why you can't tell him that I was standing here looking at babies. Because if he knew I was looking at babies he would think...things. And he can't think things. He has enough thinking about other things." "Things?" George turned to look at her. "Meredith, you'd, um, you'd tell us if something was wrong right, with you and Dr. Shepherd? Because um...I mean, you're off. You're off and you're looking at babies which we used to do all the time and I still do sometimes but, you're here and uh...you don't want me to tell Dr. Shepherd because of...things." "Don't call him Dr. Shepherd. That's confusing. We're both Dr. Shepherd and you're my friend and he's my husband. And we're good," Meredith sighed. "I mean, we're not good. Well we are good. Life is good. We love each other and things are...complicated but nothing...we love each other." "Okay, um...Derek. Things are...talking is good. It helps. Sometimes. Sometimes talking helps." "Talking," Meredith nodded slowly. "Talking might be good. I should be talking to my husband. I just don't how to talk to my husband." "You and Dr. Shep...Derek...you guys always talk. And now you're staring at babies when you're supposed to be off. So that...that suggests something is wrong. Not bad wrong but just wrong. And you can talk. And then if you talk now maybe you and Dr. Shep...Derek...can talk later." "Nothing is wrong. Not wrong wrong," Meredith sighed, her hand travelling to her stomach. "I just have to...think. About...babies." "Okay," George looked down at her stomach and then back at the babies. "Babies are...well, babies are cute." "They care cute. Really cute. Cute cute babies. And that's…good. Really good. And I like babies. Everyone likes babies." "They do," George nodded slowly. "Babies are...that one right there. With the yellow. He's kind of smiling which makes him cuter than the rest of the babies. All the babies are cute but he's kind of smiling so he's pretty cute." "He is," Meredith murmured, blinking back tears. "He's...adorable." "And then there's the girl in the pink," George grinned, pointing to another baby. "She's kind of small and tiny and...she's cute too. Babies are...they're cute. And she keeps kicking her socks off." "She does," Meredith agreed. "And they're...they are lucky babies. Really lucky babies. Their parents...their parents probably wanted them. Their parents probably never stopped talking and avoided each other. Their daddy probably touched the mommies bellies and they're lucky. Really lucky." "Maybe," George nodded slowly. "Except...the boy over there. His mom...I mean, no one's looking at him. And that sucks. Because he was just born and people should be looking at him. But no one is. And he still...he's still cute. And he hates the hat." "Well it's a stupid hat. Baby Shepherd needs a nice hat. If there was a baby Shepherd that would need a hat. Because I don't know. I don't...no. It's just...babies. They're cute. I like babies. I don't do babies but I like babies.” "Baby Shepherd," George nodded. "Baby Shepherd could have a cool hat. If he needed a hat. I think they have to give them hats. Something about keeping them warm. But um...Baby Shepherd could have a really cool hat. And Baby Shepherd would have a really great mom." "He would?" Meredith whispered. "Yeah," George smiled. "I mean, his mom is a really great surgeon and she's...she's nice. And funny. And really good with his big sister. But his mom would be a great mom. But he'd uh...he'd have a really great mom. Probably a better mom than um...than all the babies here. And his mom is probably really excited about him." "Terrified. Completely terrified." "Yeah...but excited. Because his mom is really good with kids. And she cares a lot about other people. And that's what moms have to do. They have to care. And she's a great friend and a great mom and a great wife so...she's probably excited too." "His dad is...his mom doesn't know what his dad wants," Meredith murmured, a tear falling down her cheek. "He didn't...he didn't want a baby." "Neither did his mom. But now she does," George sighed and then turned to her. "Right?" "She...she doesn't know," Meredith whispered. "She...might." "She might," George nodded and then turned to look at the babies again. "I think the baby there is pretty cute. In the yellow hat. He's pretty cute. Hey there, little guy. Hi. You're so cute, yes you are." "He is cute," Meredith murmured. "And he's...cute." "It's okay, Mer," George threw his arm over her shoulder. "It's okay. To um...to not know. But I think Baby Shepherd's mom knows." "Baby Shepherd's mom needs Baby Shepherd's dad." "Baby Shepherd's dad loves you," George smiled comfortingly. "And he...he loves Baby Shepherd. Because he's Baby Shepherd's dad and he...he's figuring it out. Probably." "What if he's not? What if he doesn't want him?" "Everyone likes babies. They're...they're cute. And they laugh and they have stupid hats." "He hasn't touched my stomach. He doesn't even look at my stomach. He did...once. Earlier. And I don't know." "Oh," George frowned. "Well um...he's figuring it out. He's going to get it and you'll see, Mer. He'll want this and you'll want this and then you'll be standing here and waving to Baby Shepherd in his stupid cute hat." "No one knows. You can't tell anyone. We're not telling people." "No one knows. Only me you and the babies. "I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do." "Maybe you do," George murmured. "Maybe you're standing here and you're looking at babies and you're not...you're a fighter, Meredith. You're a fighter and fighters...fighters don't just watch babies and avoid things. You're good at avoiding but you wouldn't...you wouldn't avoid Derek if you didn't have a really good reason and I think...I think maybe you know. And you just don't know how to know." "You think?" "Yeah, I think," George grinned. "I just...Derek is...I need Derek." "Yeah. You'll...he'll figure it out. Maybe he knows too. I don't know because...but you know. And maybe he knows." "Maybe," Meredith sighed, shifting to lean against George. "Want to see a picture?" "Of Baby Shepherd?" "Yeah...or well the blueberry in my tummy." "Blueberry?" George laughed as Meredith handed him the sonogram. "Awww, he's cute, Mer." "I know," she grinned, brushing a tear of her cheek. "And he has a spin, and a heart beat." "And kidneys," George smiled. "Congratulations, Mer. On Baby Shepherd." "Thanks. I think...thanks. You're...you're the first person I told. And thanks." "Hey, no problem," he smiled widely, squeezing her shoulders. "I needed that," Meredith nodded as her pager went off. "Derek." "You want me to go lie to him and you can look at babies?" George asked. "It will be my present to Blueberry." "No," Meredith giggled softly. "He has food for me. He went home and made me food because he thinks I'm working all night and all I ant is a chicken caesar salad. So he went home and made me it. Which might make him perfect." "You should show him Blueberry, Meredith," George sighed as he looked at the babies through the glass. "Blueberry is cute. And he'll...everyone wants a cute baby." "I don't know if he wants to see Blueberry," Meredith murmured. "McAss," George offered awkwardly. "Thanks," Meredith sighed, giving George a quick hug. "If I decide to keep him and Derek divorces me I'm going to marry you, okay?" "He's not going to divorce you," George shook his head, squeezing her tight. "But I'd marry you and Blueberry in a second." "Good to know," Meredith sighed. "And now I should go find my husband and his salad." "Bye, Meredith," George smiled. "I'll see you and Blueberry later." "Bye George," Meredith grinned slightly, running her hand over her stomach as she headed down the hallway. Got a fear of falling under Underneath the dream A fear of going too deep Disclaimer: If we owned the show Derek's whole entire part would be sang. It would be odd and ever so slightly out of place and maybe just a little off key but it would be sexy as all hell. We don't own the show though so we have to pray he sings on Enchanted 2. Meredith grimaced as she pushed her food away, shaking her head slightly as she put her book down and rubbed her stomach gingerly. She felt like crap. She was eight weeks pregnant and she felt like complete crap. She had been feeling like crap all day, which had been why Dr. Wheeler had kicked her out of surgery. She almost vomited into a patient and he told her to get out. So now she was trying to eat. And failing. She had to get something down. She hadn't managed anything at breakfast and Derek had been concerned and then things got awkward. Because that's what they were now. Entirely awkward. She was sick, he tried to help and it would make her want to show him the picture. And she would chicken out and then things would go awkward. Which would make her feel even more sick. It had been four days since she had gotten the picture. The picture that already had a crease down the middle. The picture of Blueberry. Their Blueberry. George asked all the time in really quiet whispers how Blueberry was doing and now she was calling her baby that. Blueberry. She wanted to tell Derek that. She wanted to tell Derek she called their baby Blueberry. But that involved talking about Blueberry. And they definitely weren't talking about Blueberry or much else. Which sucked, really sucked. She missed her husband. She missed the guy that she talked about everything to do. She wanted to talk to him about this. They should be talking. Blueberry was there and Derek should know that his son or daughter had a nickname. Maybe it would help. Or just make things more complicated. He was spending even more time in his office, completely spacey. He had even taken to going fishing at three in the morning. And sometimes...sometimes it seemed like he wanted to touch her stomach, but he'd pull away. She loved touching her stomach. It was...Blueberry was there. And the book said she'd start showing sooner or later. Right now, she looked exactly the same. She wanted Derek to touch her stomach. George had started to if they managed to be entirely alone. Lexie seemed to make a point of it. And her own hand seemed to be permanently rested there but she was starting to ache for Derek to touch her stomach. She didn't know why. She wasn't sure if it was just odd having an area of her body he didn't touch or if she needed him to acknowledge Blueberry. Blueberry was his baby. Blueberry was their baby. Their very small baby who had grown a little more in the past week. Their very small baby whose heartbeat they'd be able to hear soon. It was exciting. And she wanted Derek to know all of this. She wanted Derek to touch her stomach and call it Blueberry. Of course, the hormones and the nausea were screwing with her emotions right now, so maybe this weird ache was just that. Except for it seemed wrong that she was alone in this and she didn't really think she could blame that part on hormones. She was married to the love of her life, her best friend, her soul mate, her one true love, all of that stuff. He was supposed to always be there, for everything. And now there was this really big and huge something and he had no idea what any of it felt like. She wanted to talk to him. She wanted to show him the picture. She wanted to tell him what she was reading in the book. She wanted to tell him that Blueberry had toes and fingers. Because that was huge. Their baby was looking like a baby and she couldn't tell him any of it. Because she had just told him the due date and he had completely spaced out. Even more than usual. She didn't even know where his head was. She needed to get him to sit down so she could at least figure out that much. She just needed to have some idea what he was thinking so they could be thinking it together. Because she was excited, really excited and really scared and she didn't even know what she was supposed to be feeling. They needed to talk. But she couldn't, she couldn't make him talk. It was weird and strange. Derek talked. He made her talk. He made Hannah talk. He made everyone talk. But he wasn't talking. He was in his head and she didn't know how to get in there right now. She didn't know how to pull him out and make him talk. At this point, she fell like her marriage was starting to fall apart. And all because of Blueberry. Who she would love so much if her stomach would just settle down long enough for food. "What the hell is that?" a voice said from behind her. "What's...what?" she said quickly, fumbling with the book hiding behind her neuro text as she tried to shove the picture of Blueberry back in her lab coat. "Too late, Shepherd, I saw it," Alex laughed. "Someone is hiding a dirty little secret. And more little than dirty." "I...it's...not...mine," she tried as he sat down next to her, grabbing a carrot off her plate. "It said Baby Shepherd on the top." "You suck," Meredith pouted slightly. "And you're eating my food." "Well you're not. And this explains a lot." "Like what?" she sighed. "And keep your voice down. No one knows. Well, Derek knows. And Lexie and Addison and Mark and George. But no one else." "That's a lot of no ones. And the boobs. And the puking. And the general crappiness but mainly the boobs." "You've noticed my boobs?" "Kind of hard to miss." "They're not that...you shouldn't let Derek now. That you noticed them. And stop noticing." "I'm not going to tell Derek I noticed. Or Lexie." "Probably a good idea," Meredith sighed. "So now you know." "Congrats," Alex nodded. "I...thanks, I guess." "You guess?" "I...we don't know if...I mean, Derek doesn't...we don't want a baby. Or we didn't." "What?" "We weren't planning on this. We never even talked about it," she laughed harshly. "Ever. We tried and then we had sex and then I was pregnant and he...we didn't want this." "Why not?" Alex frowned. "You're like the perfect parents are something." "To Hannah. Not to...I mean, it's a baby, Alex. A newborn and they depend on parents and...we like our lives. We love our lives. We had perfect lives." "I get that," Alex nodded. "But...you got knocked up. It happens." "It wasn't supposed to," Meredith sighed. "And now...we don't know." "What is there to know?" "We don't know if we want to keep it," Meredith sighed, wincing slightly as she wrapped her arm protectively around her stomach. "Derek...Derek doesn't know. And I...I don't know. We don't know." "You know," Alex shrugged. "I...no I don't. I mean, maybe I do. I don't know. I don't know. Because it's a baby and I don't..." she sighed as she bit her lip. "I don't know. I need Derek and he's...I don't know." "Mer, someone who doesn't want a baby doesn't stare at some worn out picture of it." "I wasn't staring." "You didn't even hear me walk up." "That doesn't...I mean...it's..." Meredith sighed. "I...I think I want him. Or her. Blueberry. I think I do but..." "But what?" "Derek," she whispered. "He won't even...Alex, he doesn't even touch my stomach. Or look at it. And anytime it looks like he's about to...we had a perfect life and now we don't and it's because we're having a baby and he doesn't want it and I didn't either but now...I mean, it's my baby. With a heart and a spine and a head and toes and fingers." "It's Derek's baby too." "He doesn't want it." "Neither did you at one point," Alex shrugged. "But you changed your mind." "I didn't say that." "You bascially did. With all the moaning about heartbeats and spines." "It's not moaning. It's amazing," she snapped. "You want this kid." "Alex...I don't know. Because so far...I'm doing this by myself. And I don't...I love Derek. I need Derek. He's...he's it for me and if he doesn't want the baby," tears pooled in her eyes and she wiped them away quickly, her arm tightening around her abdomen. "Don't cry, I can't help you if you cry," Alex groaned. "Mer...you want this baby because this baby is real to you." "Alex...I haven't...I mean, yes. It's our baby. It's Blueberry and...I have a picture and Derek...he's so spacey. He won't look at me and I can't give him a picture. I can't. So it's real. But it's real to him too. He sees me throwing up...he knows my cravings and...I mean, it has to be real. It's his baby. Our baby." "The throwing up and shit just makes the pregnancy real. You have to make the baby real." "What do you mean?" "Stop avoiding it or whatever. Show him the picture and that book or whatever and that stuff about fingers. He's the one that needs to hear it. Make him touch your stomach." "Alex...he's trying to think and that...I don't think that will help." "It helped you." "Yeah but...he won't even look at me, Alex. The second Blueberry is brought up he...he shuts down." "So...he's your husband. Don't let him." "I don't know," she sighed, closing the book and twirling her fork around in her salad. "Maybe...I don't want this to ruin my marriage. And I...it's my baby but maybe it's just best if..." "You're right. You and Shepherd seem to be doing fine without talking." "We're...we're fine," Meredith stammered as a tear slipped down her cheek. "Damn it. I don't cry." "Hormones," Alex groaned. "They're hell. And you're not fine. You two need to talk. I don't even see what you're so worried about." "Alex, if I tell him I want this baby and he doesn't..." "It will suck and you'll have to figure something out. Knowing your husband...you'll get your baby." "Or I might not," she murmured. "And I...he has a heart, Alex. A heart and a spine and kidneys and toes and fingers and...I think...I want him. I don't know why because I could really screw this up but I...he's Blueberry." "Tell Derek that." "I can't." "Okay. Don't. Exactly what do you plan on doing instead?" "I...I don't know." "You have to tell him." "And then what?" Meredith sighed. "And then you figure it out together." "Together," she sighed, reaching back into the pocket of her lab coat and staring at the creased picture of her baby. Baby Shepherd. Blueberry. "Do you want to see him?" "Sure," Alex shrugged. "There isn't a lot..." Meredith sighed, handing the picture over. "He's small which is why I call him Blueberry. And I don't even know if he's a he...I just have a feeling. But yeah, he's small. And that's his heart and...he's small." "He really is," Alex laughed. "He's lucky to have you." "Really?" "Yeah, you'll be a good mom. And Derek will be a good dad." "If he even wants to be a dad again. He has Hannah. He's happy with Hannah." "That doesn't mean he won't be happy with Blueberry." "You called him Blueberry," Meredith giggled slightly, rubbing her stomach carefully. "It's his name, isn't it?" "Well...not officially. But right now...yeah. It's his name. Right now." "It fits." "Because he's small. Like a blueberry. Though the book says he's a little bigger than a blueberry now. That he's almost the size of an olive. Which is...I mean, it's still small. It's still really small. But...he's small." "Olive sucks as a name, stick with Blueberry." "I can do that," she giggled and then sighed. "So you think...I mean, you think I should tell Derek? Show him the picture and...what? Just grab his hand and make him touch my stomach?" "It's worth a shot. What's the worst thing that could happen?" "He could say he doesn't want Blueberry. And I...I really want Blueberry." "He might take some time but he'll come around." "I hope so," she sighed as she stood. "I'm going to go find him." "Good," Alex smiled. "He loves you, it will be fine." "Maybe," she murmured. "Thanks, Alex." "No prob, Mer. Congrats again." "Thanks," she smiled as she took her picture back and gathered her books. She was going to tell Derek. She wasn't going to chicken out this time. Because now she knew. Now she knew that she wanted Blueberry. She wanted their baby. She hadn't been sure before. George had made her think maybe...but now she knew. And she wasn't going to chicken out. And Derek would be fine. Or maybe not fine, at least not at first but that was okay. She had needed some time to think and if he needed more that was okay. They would be fine though. They loved each other. And not telling him was ridiculous. He needed to know eventually, she couldn't just keep waiting until he was ready. So she would tell him and it would be bumpy but okay. But Alex was right. Derek had to know. Derek had to know that Blueberry had fingers and toes. He had to know that his son or daughter, though she was pretty sure it was a son, had a nickname. He had to see the picture and touch her stomach and...Alex was right. Alex was completely right. And now she wasn't going to chicken out. She wanted the baby. And Derek would too, at some point. "Hey," he greeted her as she walked up beside him. "Hey," she breathed. She had to do this. Feeling like crap wasn't going to stop her. She had to do this. "How's it going?" he asked, putting one chart away as he grabbed for another. "It's...I feel like crap," she sighed. "Can we...we need to talk." "Oh okay," he frowned slightly. "My office?" "Your office," she nodded, fighting the urge to vomit. She was nervous. She was nervous and the morning sickness was the worst it had ever been but she wasn't going to vomit. Not now. "Okay," he nodded, putting the chart back down and leading her down the hall, his fingers lacing lightly through her. "Is everything okay?" "I...yes," she nodded. "I mean, the morning sickness and everything but...I mean, it's good. I read...I read morning sickness means everything's okay." "That's good then," he sighed, as he opened the door of the office. "It is good," she murmured. "So what's up?" he asked as he kissed her quickly. "I'm having a baby," she blurted out, immediately wishing she had planned this better. Because he knew that. He knew she was having a baby. "You are. We are. Maybe." "No," she shook her head. "No. I'm having a baby. We're...he has fingers. And toes. The book says...he has a heartbeat and a spine. A spine, Derek. We...we operate on spines all the time and our baby has a spine. And he has a head and fingers and toes and arms and legs and...he has a nose. Or he's starting to get one, he doesn't have one yet. But the book says he's starting to look like a baby.” "Oh..." Derek breathed. "And his heart...the book says his heart is beating 150 beats a minute. Which is...that's...that's insane, Derek. That's completely insane. But that's what the book says. And he's small. He's really, really small. But he's...he's here. He's here and we're...and he's not even a fetus yet, which is crazy. But in three days...three days he will be. That's what the book says." "Three days," Derek nodded slowly, running his fingers through his hair. "I'm...I'm eight and a half weeks pregnant," she sighed. "I'm almost nine weeks pregnant and...I'm scared. I'm terrified. But everything is okay. I'm okay and Blueberry...he's okay. He's okay. We're both okay and I...I mean, yeah, there's the morning sickness, and that completely sucks. But the books says that will go away by the fourteenth week." "Blueberry?" "That's what I call him," she breathed. "Because he's so small. He's...he's almost as big as an olive but last week he was a blueberry so I decided to call him blueberry. George and Lexie and Alex call him that too." "George...and...how many people know?" "Just George and Lexie and Alex and Addison and Mark." "I know Mark knows," he sighed. "I'm pregnant, Derek," she murmured, her hand resting on her stomach. "I'm having a baby. I'm sick all the time, I want nothing but salsa today, even though the taste makes me sick because I can't keep anything down, I'm exhausted, I pee more than anyone I know, and I'm hormonal. I cry at everything. But I...I'm pregnant." "Mer...what are you saying?" he asked quietly. "I want to keep him." "You....what?" "I want to keep him," she said a little louder, swallowing some vomit as she looked up at him. "I want our baby." "Oh...you...oh," he nodded. "And I know...I know we didn't plan this. I know that. But, Derek, he's a baby. Our baby and he has...in three days he'll be a fetus and in two weeks we'll be able to hear his heart and...I want to keep him." "I...you..." he sighed. "I have...surgery. I have a surgery." "What?" she breathed, watching as he moved around her. "Derek..." "I need to...surgery," he whispered. "We'll...I need to get out of here. Right now...I need to...get away. Surgery." "Oh," she murmured, fumbling to balance herself against his desk as a wave of nausea overtook her. "Oh." "Later, Mer. We'll...later." "Later," she nodded as he walked out of the room, closing the door firmly behind him. That had...she hadn't expected that. She hadn't expected him to walk away. She had expected...something. But he had walked away. He had needed to get away. He didn't look at her. He looked like someone was trying to kill him, trying to strangle him. That was bad. That was really bad. He was supposed to be Derek-y about this. He was supposed to want to talk this out. When she had told him she was pregnant he had been so perfect. So freaked out but so perfect but this was bad. He had just walked away. He had looked like she had tried to kill him and then he was gone. He said later but she didn't even know what that meant. She fell into a chair as she took a deep breath, trying to keep the vomit down. He had said later but he hadn't looked at her. At all. He hadn't looked at her and he hadn't even...he said later and she didn't know what later meant. Because he had panicked. He didn't offer to talk about it and...she was pretty sure he didn't have a surgery. But he had needed to get away from her. That had never happened. They had been together for years, they had been in messes before but he had never ran away from her like that. She hadn't even thought that he might have reacted like that. She expected some fighting or maybe some spaceyness but not that. Telling him had been stupid. Even if it felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders, it was stupid. Because now she was sitting in his office, tears already starting to pour down her cheeks as she tried not to vomit all over his rug. She shouldn't have told him. She should have just left it alone but Alex and George had both made it sound so easy and Derek...he was supposed to be McDreamy. He was supposed to be perfect and he was supposed to want this. And instead he had walked away. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The other half of the bed was still empty. She couldn't sleep with the other half of the bed empty, she never could. He was downstairs somewhere, doing something that didn't involve talking to her. Like he had been doing all night. Even through supper he had managed to not talk to her, or even to look at her. Pain ripped through her chest as she curled further into a ball, hoping he'd come to bed She needed to sleep. She needed to sleep and just forget today had ever happened. But she couldn't. She had been sick most of the day, and Derek had avoided her. He wouldn't look at her. He wouldn't talk to her. He didn't even give her small smiles. He was completely avoiding her. And it was almost two in the morning. She just wanted him in bed with her. She heard his footsteps on the stairs suddenly and she sucked in her breath. He might not even stay, he might just get his pajamas and disappear again. Or lay on his back and stare at the ceiling all night and act like she wasn't even there, like he had been doing all day. He was taking forever to even get to the room and she knew he had stopped to check on Hannah and still her heart raced. The bedroom door opened slowly and she resisted the urge to look up at him, instead burying her head against the pillow as she put her hand over her stomach. He wasn't saying a word. Usually, he would climb into bed and kiss her cheek before getting ready for bed. Now he just moved into their washroom, closing the door behind him. She blinked back tears as she heard him change and go through his nightly routine. The bed finally shift underneath him as he climbed in, still no words passed between them as she did her best to hold back a sob. It would be best if he thought she was sleeping. They could avoid some awkwardness if he just didn't know that she was awake and fighting not to cry as he didn't talk to her. A hand unexpectedly brushed her hip. "Mer?" he whispered. "Yeah?" she murmured, wiping a tear quickly. "I'm...sorry," he breathed. "Earlier...I shouldn't have. I freaked and I walked out. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry." "Oh," she breathed. She wanted to tell him it was okay. Except it wasn't. It hadn't been okay. None of this was okay today. "I didn't mean to be an ass. I just...I need some more time." "I know," she sighed, turning to look at him. "But...I don't...I mean, not to freak you out or...there isn't a lot of time." "I know there isn't," he nodded. "And...I'll figure this out." "Okay." "And you want him. You want...Blueberry." "Yeah," she smiled slightly, her hand moving to her stomach again. "I want Blueberry." "Time," she nodded and then bit her lip as she moved her hand from her stomach and tentatively reached for his, resting it on the tiny bit of fat that was starting to appear. "He's the size of an olive right now," she explained, linking her fingers over his tightened ones. "Oh," he breathed, his eyes growing slightly wide but he didn't move to pull his hand back. "But you call him Blueberry." "Olive is a stupid name." "Hmm..." he nodded, looking at his hand that was still on her stomach. "And he has fingers and toes," she murmured. "And they say...I mean, by the tenth week, he'll be moving but I won't be able to feel it yet. Because he'll still be small." "Moving," Derek breathed. "Yeah," Meredith nodded. "And by the end of next month...he'll have toe nails and finger nails. Which is...I mean...it's weird and strange and kind of amazing." "Yeah," he murmured. "If you don't want this..." she whispered after a second, squeezing his hand tightly, holding it against her stomach. "If you don't want this I...he's your baby too. You get to decide too." "I don't know what I want, Mer," he sighed. "I'm thinking. I just...I'm thinking." "Okay. But if you decide...I want him but if you think and decide you don't..." "Shh..." he whispered. "It's late and my head is...running a thousand miles per hour. Give me...a few days and then we can talk this all out. Okay?" "Okay," she murmured, turning so that her back was to him again, though she kept his hand against her abdomen. "I love you," he breathed, shifting his body to pull her back tight up against him, spooning her closely. "I love you too," she whispered as another tear trailed down her cheek and she squeezed his hand tightly. "It's okay," he murmured. "I'm here. I'm always here." "You're here," she sighed as he buried his nose in her hair. Her eyes moved down to look at his hand still over her stomach as she held it firmly in place. He was touching her stomach. He hadn't pulled away. His hand was there. And for right then, that was enough. She just wasn't sure how long it would be enough for. This is not what we planned And I know its hard to understand But if this isn't what you want then If this isn't what you need pry my fingers from your hand


LOVE IS IN EVERYTHING - Part 3 · GA FAN FICS