Viewing Single Post From: LOVE IS IN EVERYTHING

Viewing Single Post From: LOVE IS IN EVERYTHING - Part 3
oncetherewasaway	Dec 4 2007, 10:48 PM
McEditor Posts: 1,625 Group: .Grey Girls. Member #23 Joined: October 25, 2006	Disclaimer: It's probably a good thing we don't own Grey's right now. What with the strike and Rose...yeah, definitely a good thing. Of course, if we owned the show, Rose would have died a tragically bloody death last week. Can't say much about the strike though. His hands were shaking. He had avoided cutting all day because his hands wouldn't stop shaking. Which probably had a lot to do with not sleeping at all the night before. Instead he had stayed awake, his hand on his wife's stomach for the first time in weeks and tried to think. Except he couldn't think. He hadn't been able to think all night. Thought and sleep had both escaped him. They were having a baby. Which he knew. He knew she was pregnant, the thought had been keeping him awake now for almost two weeks. But now they were having a baby. She was having a baby. A baby she called Blueberry. A baby who had a heartbeat and a spine and was getting a nose. They were having a baby. She wanted to keep the baby. And he couldn't stop shaking. He hadn't expected that. He didn't know what he expected, he hadn't known where Meredith's head was and it had been driving him nuts but he hadn't expected her to tell him that. She was Meredith, she was the one that was terrified of everything. She was the one that was supposed to be more hesitant. And now she was so damn sure. And he was too scared to even do his job right. He couldn't figure out why this terrified him so much. He hadn't been this scared with Hannah. When Liz had told him, he had panicked for a day or two and then had sat down and talked to her. But now he was so scared he couldn't concentrate. He couldn't sleep. Even eating was becoming a problem. The idea of Meredith having the baby made him almost unable to function normally. Meredith had no idea what a baby would mean. Their lives were perfect. The two of them and Hannah were living some fairy tale version of happily ever after. He was happy, completely happy for the first time in a long time. And a baby would change everything. Babies were hard to take care of, they were messy and meant no sleep, no sex. A baby would tear everything apart. She had no idea how much their lives would change, how hard this would be on them. They were happy. They were happy without a baby. Except now he could tell she was happy. Or would be happy. He caught her rubbing her stomach, a smile on her face all the time. She was excited for a baby. But she had no idea how much this would change their lives, what they could lose. And he couldn't let them lose that. They had been so incredibly perfect. Meredith was his world, their tiny family was his world and it wasn't supposed to have a new member. And now they were getting one. Or at least she wanted it. She wanted Blueberry. She had even given him a nickname and she was happy. He had no idea what he was supposed to do now, what his next step was. He assumed his next step was to think about this. Not avoid it. Not go into surgery so he didn't have to think. He had to actually think about this. Because the voice in his head telling him this was going to be amazing had been an almight roar the night before when he had kept his hand firmly on his wife's still flat belly, long after her own hand had fallen away after she had fallen asleep. Except the thinking thing hadn't worked out so far. He had been trying to think and then his head would become a huge jumble and he stopped thinking before he developed an anneurysm. He didn't know how to think through this one. His wife was pregnant. His wife wanted to keep the baby. And it was amazing and bad all at once. He wasn't sure what thought process that was supposed to follow. He probably needed to talk this out. He needed to talk it out with someone other than Meredith, because when he looked at her, he automatically thought baby. Baby. Or Blueberry now. She was calling him Blueberry. Or her. They might be having a girl, but Meredith kept calling the baby a boy. Which only made his thoughts swirl faster and the shaking worse. He had to talk this out. "Mark!" Derek yelled down the hallway, suddenly seeing his best friend leaning against the nurses' station. "What?" Mark groaned, turning to look at him. "I need you," Derek shrugged and then frowned. "That sounded...bad. But I do." "Your wife's not cutting it for you?" Mark rolled his eyes. "Sorry, Shep, you're not my type." "Don't be an ass," Derek groaned. "I know we're not actually talkng to each other right now...but...I need someone to talk to." "And again...wife's not cutting it for you?" "About this? No." "About what?" Mark frowned and then nodded slowly. "The pregnancy." "Yeah, the pregnancy. Mark, I have no idea what the hell do and thinking is getting me no where. I need to talk." "Fine," Mark sighed, looking at his watch. "Joe's in two hours?" "That sounds good," Derek nodded. "And if I have to listen to you bitch, you're buying me alcohol." "I probably owe you it," Derek sighed. "No probably about it," Mark shook his head. "By the way, your wife's been in the washroom for twenty minutes now. Thought you'd find that important." He turned and walked away quickly. His wife had been in the washroom for twenty minutes. He should go to her, he knew that. He should definitely go to her because he was her husband and he should be there. Part of him wanted to be there. But the other part was shaking badly, hating that she was even sick to begin with and his head hurt. His head hurt because he couldn't figure out whether he should go this wife or not. It seemed wrong that he was pausing at this. She was his wife and she was sick. He should go in there and make sure she was doing okay, hold back her hair, rub her back. He shouldn't even have to think about this. She was his wife and she was pregnant. She was having a baby. He didn't have a reason not to go to her and rub her back. Except he was starting to feel sick himself. This was bad. They weren't supposed to be at this point, they weren't supposed to be this couple. They were Meredith and Derek. They were supposed to be happy and in love. He wasn't supposed to hesitate when she was sick, he was supposed to rush to her side, no questions asked. This was a mess, this was a huge mess and he hated it. He hated it even though he knew a lot of it was his fault. He ran his fingers through his hair as the washroom door swung open and Lexie walked out, shaking her head and then sighing when she saw him. "She's pretty sick," she said as she walked away. "I have a patient but...she's pretty sick." He sighed one more time before heading in the door. Because going anywhere else really wasn't an actual option, not when Meredith was sick. Regardless of hesitation, she was sick. That's all that mattered. "Mer?" he asked quietly, as the door swung shut behind him. "Derek?" she coughed as a stall door opened to reveal her sitting on the floor, her hair falling in her face as she ran a paper towel over her lips, her other hand moving to her stomach. "Oh Mer," he breathed, walking over to her and kneeling down beside her. "I...oh god," she gasped, kneeling over the toilet again as she retched. "It's okay," he murmured, taking her hair in his one hand as he rubbed her back. "I'm here." She emptied her stomach before leaning against his chest, a hand grasping for his as she tried to breathe. He ignored the smell of vomit as he continued rubbing her back, pressing a soft kiss to her neck. "Sorry. I'm...I'm sorry. You're working." "Don't worry about it," he shook his head. "Nothing to be sorry about." "It's...really bad today," she whispered. "Really, really bad." "Do you want to go home?" he asked softly. "Derek," she breathed and then nodded. "I...I still have four hours on my shift but...Dr. Wheeler will kill me." "I'll find him another resident," he sighed. "I don't want you working when you're this bad." "I think it was the salsa," she sighed, turning to look at him. "I finally...I wanted salsa." "Apparently that was a bad idea," he smiled softly. "Apparently," she smiled, cuddling against his chest, her hand moving to bring his down onto her stomach. "Hmm..." he murmured, tensing slightly but leaving his hand there. "I'm...better," she sighed. "Well, not better. But...I'm not going to throw up. Or maybe that's because I don't have anything to throw up anymore. But...better." "Better is good," he nodded. "Don't eat anything else to heavy." "I won't," she promised, moving to wrap her arms around him as she yawned. "What time...what time are you coming home?" "Oh," he frowned, squeezing her tightly. "I'm...I asked Mark out for drinks because I need...but I can cancel if you need me home." "No," she shook her head. "You need...you need time and...Hannah's at Jenny's so I should...I just need sleep. You can go out of drinks. Because you need time and...you need time." "I won't stay out too late. I doubt he'll want to put up with me for long anyway." "You should...I mean, after you've taken time and everything...ask if he's okay." "You noticed that too?" "He and Addison...something's wrong, Der. And he's...he's not...oh god," she gasped, turning quickly to retch over the toilet again. "Mer..." he breathed, already beside her again, rubbing her back as she hugged the toilet. "Blueberry's grounded when he's born," she mumbled under her breath. "Oh," he nodded, having no idea what else to say. Because she was calling the baby Blueberry and talking about him being born and it made him want to push her aside so he could get sick. "I'm...home," she sighed. "Home and...just...pager? Keep your pager or cell phone or...but you need time and I'll be okay." "Are you okay to drive home?" he asked. "I could...I'm not cutting so I could drive you home quickly. "I'm fine, Der," Meredith nodded, standing up shakily and making her way to the sink, splashing water over her face. "Okay," he nodded, walking up behind her. "But you're calling the second you get home so I know you made it safely." "I will," she smiled slightly, leaning against the sink as she took a deep breath. "Mer...maybe you should just hide in my office for a bit." "Why?" "You look like crap. Beautiful crap but crap. I don't know if I want you driving." "Beautiful crap?" she giggled slightly. "Only you can manage it," he laughed softly. "Maybe just for a little bit," she murmured. "Good," he nodded. "And you need to see if you can keep some crackers and water down." "I'll try," she smiled softly. "All I can ask for," he murmured, running his hand along her back. "I love you," she whispered, turning and kissing his cheek. "I love you too," he smiled gently. "I really do." "I know," she sighed, moving towards the door, her hand in her labcoat pocket. "Derek?" "Yeah?" "I um...a couple...I have..." she bit her lip and then shook her head. "Have a good time with Mark." "Oh okay," he nodded. "Let me know when you're headed home." "I will," she nodded, walking out of the bathroom quickly, her hand still on her stomach. She was going to say something else, he had no idea what it was but there was something she wasn't saying. It had been on her mind for the last few days and she never actually said it. Which was confusing. It was added on the end of a very long list on confusing thought he was having. Thoughts that one second told him to run after her and tell her he wanted this and the next told him to run the other way. He should want this. He knew that. He knew he should want this. She was his wife. They were married, they were in love. She was his everything. He should want this. There shouldn't be a single part of him telling him to run away. But there was. There was a very big part of him that wanted to run away and make this all a very bad dream. And then there was the very big part reminding him that he should want this. And there was that voice that wasn't even a quiet voice anymore that kept screaming things about how amazing this could be. Because Hannah had been amazing, diffcult, stressful, but amazing. And this was Meredith. The love of his life was carrying his baby and that voice definitely thought that was amazing. He knew he should probably just listen to that voice. He tried to remember if he had been this terrified with Hannah. After she had been born, yes. But he couldn't remember if he had been standing in washrooms when Hannah's mom had been pregnant, fighting the urge to be sick. He couldn't remember if he had ever been unable to work because of the fear. He didn't think so, but he wished he could figure out what about this was so hard. This was Meredith. Nothing with Meredith had ever been hard. Well convincing her to give him a chance had been complicated but he had always known what he wanted when it came to her. He wanted her, plain and simple. He wanted her and anything she wanted. And now his wife, who at one point thought she didn't want children, wanted their baby. And he was confused. Their roles had completely shifted. Usually he was sure about them. He was sure about their future and what they could have together. Now, he was fighting the panic while she called the baby inside her Blueberry and had apparently read books to know what was going on with their baby, and with her own body. Everything was shifting and his head was aching. Hopefully talking to Mark would help. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He was supposed to be talking. He dragged Mark, who wasn't even talking to him, out to the bar so he could talk and now he was just staring at the scotch in his hands, wishing he could have more than one or two but knowing he coudn't go home to his pregnant wife drunk. And he had no idea how to actually start talking about this, what he was supposed to say at this point. They had been sitting here for over an hour, Mark had had more than a couple of drinks, but neither of them had really said anything. In an hour, he hadn't said a word, just stared at the Scotch he had been nursing for much too long. And tried to think through everything. Tried to think through walking into his office to find his wife sound asleep. Tried to think through waking her up to make sure she was okay. Tried to think through the fact that he had a pregnant wife at home. "I'm terrified," he finally admitted. "Of?" Mark sighed, lifting up his glass towards Joe. "The baby. I'm terrified of the baby and what it would do." "It's a baby," Mark sighed. "It cries. It shits. Eats. Vomits. You remember that, right? Hannah was a baby once." "Yeah," Derek nodded. "If I didn't remember that we wouldn't be having this problem." "I'm not seeing what the problem is." "Having Hannah was hell. You remember what it was like...sleepless nights, tears...mine, not Hannah's. I was barely standing by the time she turned one." "And you did it alone," Mark shrugged. "Well, I was there. But let's face it, I was entirely useless." "You were," Derek nodded. "Guess it's good that..." Mark shook his head. "Meredith would be here there this time." "I know she would," Derek sighed. "I just...how am I supposed to risk this?" "Risk what?" "Risk everything," Derek snapped. "We're happy. The three of us are this strange little happy family. I didn't even know it was possible to be this happy and yet I am. I'm happy. My life is perfect. How am I supposed to risk losing that?" "Your life is fucking perfect." "That's the point. I have this perfect life and a baby changes everything. Meredith doesn't get that, she doesn't know. She has no idea that Blueberry could kill us." "Who the fuck is Blueberry?" "The baby. Meredith nicknamed the baby Blueberry. Something about it being the size of a blueberry. You should see the smile on her face when she says it." "You should see the smile on your face right now." "What? I'm not smiling." "You said Meredith and Blueberry in the same sentence and you looked the exact same you did the day Hannah was born," Mark shrugged. "Yeah well...it seems kind of amazing," Derek sighed. "I keep remembering when she told me she couldn't date me because she didn't do kids." "And now she's having a kid." "That she wants. She wants to have a baby." "You know, Derek, ten years ago some random slut you slept with a few times told you she was knocked up and she didn't want it and you begged her to keep it. You remember that?" "Of course I remember that." "And you got Hannah. What if she had aborted Hannah like you're thinking about aborting Blueberry?" "I...I...aborting?" he breathed. "Isn't that what you're talking about? You don't want the kid?� "I didn't....I didn't say that." "That's usually what people do with kids they don't want." "It's...I didn't...I don't know what I'm supposed to do, what I'm supposed to feel," Derek sighed. "We were happy, we were so damn happy." "And what now you won't be happy?" Mark slammed his drink down. "You want to know what makes people not happy, Derek? Not having fucking kids. Wanting them and not being able to have them. There are people all over the fucking world who would kill to be in your shoes." "Mark...what?" "You have this perfect life. You and Meredith are happy. You lead this fucking charmed life where you get everything you want and you take it for granted. You act like a baby could screw that up. You're a selfish bastard, Shep. A selfish fucking bastard who is making this more complicated than you have to be because you have it all and you can't accept that." "But..." "Babies don't fuck things up, Derek. They can, but they don't. Not when you have a wife who can have them. Not when you probalby want them but you act like you don't because you want your perfect charmed life. You have to be the best surgeon, the best husband, the best dad and you keep acting like this is going to fuck everything up. I'd kill to be in your shoes right now." "Mark..." "Your wife is pregnant. She's pregnant with your baby and you're actually sitting here telling me you don't want it? You wanted Hannah so fucking bad and she did fuck everything up, Derek. You gave up your life for her and you have the balls to tell me this baby you're wife is carrying is going to do more damage than Hannah did? You're sitting in a bar while your wife is sick and telling me you don't want this baby?" "I don't...." "Why the fuck not?" Mark demanded. "Why the fuck don't you want this baby? It's a baby, Derek. It's your kid. Yours. Just like Hannah. Only it's yours and Meredith's. Not yours and some random slut's. Yours and Meredith's. And you don't want it. Which is bullshit. I know you, Shep, you want this kid and you're just making things complicated for the fun of it. You know what's really complicated? Infertility treatments. Those are complicated. Not having a baby with your wife." "Infertility..." "Those are complicated. Wanting a baby desperately and watching your wife cry herself to sleep every night because she can't have kids. Because suddenly she wants them. Before they were a maybe and now she wants a kid so bad she cries herself to sleep every night and I can't do a fucking thing. Because I'd rather not be doing infertility treatments. I just want my wife back." "Mark...you and Addison..." "Can't have kids," Mark groaned, draining his drink. "Shit," Derek breathed. "So don't sit here and tell me the worst thing in the world for your marriage is having Blueberry or Blackberry. My marriage is barely hanging on by a thread." "I...I had no idea," Derek shook his head. "I've been...god, I'm a crap friend." "I haven't been throwing it out there. But yeah, crap friend covers it." "I'm sorry. I...is there anything I can do..that's a stupid question but...talking or something." "Talking doesn't change anything," Mark shrugged. "Addie can't have kids. We were trying the treatments for a while, I refused." "You refused?" "I wanted my wife back," Mark sighed. "Do you have any idea what it's like? No...because you have your perfect fucking life with your perfect fucking Blueberry." "You might want to talk to Mer. She probably wants her husband back. I hope she wants her husband back." "I didn't even want kids, Derek," Mark shook his head. "I had enough with the neices and nephews and now..." He looked down into his empty glass. "Joe, more scotch." "That's crap. That's complete crap. You and Addison..." "Are barely hanging on at this point. She wants her own baby and I...we can't have them. Didn't think it would hurt this much." "Have you thought about adoption?" "Derek, at this point, I'm trying to save what's left of my marriage. Adoption can come later." "It's that bad?" "What do you think?" Mark looked up at him, tears in his eyes. "We spent months blaming each other. And now I'm telling her to fuck the treatments." "The treatments could help," Derek sighed. "And it's not like you can't afford them." "They don't help. They haven't helped. And she's...you've seen her. She's a wreck." "She is," Derek nodded. "You should...get out of town, take a vacation." "I'll think about it," Mark shrugged. "I'm just saying, Derek. There's a lot worse things in the world that can kill marriage besides a baby." "I know," Derek nodded slowly. "And you love her. You didn't love Hannah's mom. Hell, you didn't see her for three months until she told you. You keep that baby but not the baby your wife is carrying?" "You make it sound so damn easy." "What the fuck about this isn't easy?" "Right now...I don't actually know. I'm just...I didn't want this. I didn't expect this and I don't know how to deal with it." "It's your kid, Shep. You didn't want it. It happened. Exact same with Hannah. Only this time it's with the woman you love." "It is," Derek nodded slowly. "Why the hell would you get rid of it? Because it's going to stay up all night and cry for a year? Big fucking deal. I'm not sure why the hell you're acting like this is the world's biggest tragedy." "I don't know." "Why the hell did you keep Hannah, Derek?" "Because...I wanted to be a dad. I wanted to be a dad more than anything and suddenly... I could be. I couldn't give that up. I couldn't give up my baby." "What? And this one's not your baby?" Mark smirked. "You think your wife got pregnant by herself?" "She got pregnant from rough sex on the kitchen counter to avoid talking about whether we wanted her to get pregnant or not." "Still...you had a part in that." "I know I did. I know it's mine...it's...mine." "It's yours." "And I've been a crap husband." "No shit," Mark sighed. "Missing appointments, not even looking at her. It's a miracle the stress hasn't gotten to her yet." "Appointments?" "One appointment," Mark corrected himself. "Addison said Meredith practically had a nervous breakdown." "She...she didn't tell me," Derek breathed. "I would have gone." "You don't act like you would have." "I would have," Derek nodded firmly. "I...she's my wife." "Your wife who is currently puking her guts up while you sit around acting like your baby is the worst thing in the world." "I've been there for that. I was with her today." "How long did it take you to figure out to get your ass in there?" "A few minutes." "She's your wife, Derek," Mark said as Joe poured him another glass of Scotch. "And that's your kid. You couldn't get rid of your kid ten years ago. What the hell makes you think you want to now?" "Told you...terrified." "You were terrified with Hannah too. Didn't mean you wanted to get rid of her." "I know," he sighed. "And I swear, Shep, if you make Meredith get rid of this kid, your marriage is going to be ten times more fucked up than if you keep him." "I know," he nodded. "She has a nickname for him." "Blueberry. You told me." "I don't know what to do." "He's your kid." "I know." "So get your ass home and be with your wife and kid," Mark sighed. "I'll stick around here." "Are you okay?" "I'll make it." "If you need anything...I know there's not actually anything we can do but anything...Mer and I are here for you guys." "Just don't tell Mom yet," Mark sighed, running his hand over his face. "We'll get there. When we can talk without resenting each other." "Won't say anything," Derek nodded. "Good," Mark nodded. "Now get your ass home to your wife and kid. Your kid. Not the ten year old. Your baby." "Going," Derek sighed. "Thanks. I didn't deserve this but thanks." "You deserve to get your ass kicked. And I'll do it if you get rid of this kid." "Duly noted," Derek nodded, getting up from his seat. "Joe, don't let him drive home." "I never do," Joe nodded. "Usual, Sloan? Call the cab at eleven?" "Usual?" Derek frowned. "He's here every night," Joe sighed. "Oh," Derek nodded. "Mark...once I get my life figured out I'll help you figure yours out." "There's nothing to figure out," Mark shrugged. "And yours is easy to figure out. Have Blueberry." "Yeah," Derek sighed. "I have to go, Mer needs me. And...we'll talk later." "Yeah," Mark nodded. "See you, Shep." "See you," Derek nodded as he walked out of the bar. You're bruised and beaten down And I'm the one Who's looking for a favor Disclaimer: You know how we've been waiting forever for certain things to happen on the show and they never actually happen? They just don't deliver. And we do. So that thing you've been waiting to happen...it finally happens. Because we don't own the show. "Daddy!" Derek turned quickly to greet his grinning daughter as she ran towards him, Meredith following much slower behind. "Hey Hannah," he grinned. "Hi," she wrapped her arms around him. "Do you have to work still?" "For a bit longer," he nodded, resting his hand on her head. "And you have ballet, don't you?" "Yep," Hannah nodded excitedly. "Mom's taking me. And then Nana's going to pick me up." "Very cool," Derek nodded. "I'll be home by the time you get home so you don't even have to miss me." "Hey, Han, slow down a bit today, okay?" Meredith sighed as she came up to them, her entire body hunched as she leaned against the wall. "You okay?" Derek asked quietly. "Tired," she sighed. "Exhausted actually. She wanted to come see you before we left though." "Of course she did," Derek laughed softly, ruffling his daughter's hair. "Daddy, guess what?" Hannah grinned. "What?" "I got a one hundred on my reading test," Hannah reported proudly. "Wow," Derek breathed. "Great job, Han." "That was the highest grade in my class and Mrs. Garrison says I'll be in the gifted and talented classes next year." "That's amazing, Han. I think that might even call for a special desert or something." "Really? Like...chocolate chocolate cake?" "We can do chocolate chocolate cake." "Yay!" she giggled and then grinned widely. "Tyler!" she ran off towards the nurse's station. Derek laughed softly as he looked at his wife who was still leaning against the wall. "Take a nap when you get home," he murmured, pulling her off the wall so she could lean against him instead. "That's why your mom is picking her up," she murmured against his chest. "I told her I had a long couple of days and...I just need to sleep." "Definitely sleep," he whispered. "I won't be here much longer." "Hmmm," she breathed. "Good." "How's Blueberry doing?" he asked quietly, his one hand lightly resting on her stomach. "Blue..." she trailed off, looking down at his hand and then smiling. "Good. He's...he's good. Making Mom tired but...good." "That's good...that he's good, not that you're tired," he nodded. "I don't think I've ever been this tired in my life," she groaned, though she still had a smile on her face as she moved her hand over his. "Yeah, that happens," he nodded. "Head home and sleep. And I'll join you when I get home before I put supper on." "If you can wake me up to eat," she sighed. "I want to sleep forever." "You have to eat. Anything you want?" "Not right now. Later though...maybe." "Okay, let me know," he nodded. "As long as it goes with chocolate chocolate cake." "Which I assume cuts out the Greek olive bread?" "Well you can have one if you want," he laughed, rubbing her stomach gently. "Definitely need the Greek olive bread," she breathed as his hand moved her abdomen. "We have some at home," he nodded. "Um...we might not," she bit her lip. "Mer...we had half a loaf left when I checked." "Yeah..." "I'll stop and get some on the way home." "Thank you," she smiled widely, kissing him. "Blueberry likes it." "Apparently," he rolled his eyes. "Don't make fun of Blueberry's favorite foods." "I'm not. I like the olive bread, you're the one that usually doesn't." "I know," she sighed. "Which clearly proves he's going to be annoyingly healthy like his daddy. Why can't he like cheesecake or something?" "I think you like cheesecake enough for the whole family." "Hannah likes it too," she smiled. "But the only things I can keep down are Triscuits and vegetables or fruit. That's...that can't be normal. Or right." "That's what happens when you're carrying my offspring." "I should have known," she groaned, lacing her fingers over his as he rubbed her stomach again. "Der..." "Yeah?" "Mom, we're going to be late!" Hannah exclaimed as she came running back. "It's almost four-thirty!" "Oh," Meredith nodded, pulling off of Derek. "Well that would be bad." "Very bad," Hannah agreed. "Especially since if I get the solo this year, next year I'll have pointe shoes." "Pointe shoes?" Derek asked. "Remember, Daddy," Hannah rolled her eyes, "the special shoes that let me dance on my tippy toes." "Oh yes, those," Derek nodded. "Well then, you should get going." "We can't be late," Hannah nodded firmly and then hugged him tightly. "Chocolate chocolate cake, right, Daddy?" "Chocolate chocolate cake," Derek smiled. "And be good for your grandma." "I will," Hannah nodded, running off towards the elevators. "I guess this is goodbye," Derek laughed softly. "I guess," Meredith sighed. "Our daughter has way too much energy." "When Blueberry isn't kicking your ass you're just as bad." "Blueberry isn't kicking my ass," she smiled widely. "He's the size of an olive. He can't kick my ass." "Of course," he rolled his eyes. "I love you," she murmured, kissing him quickly. "I love you too," he breathed. "Get some sleep and I'll be home soon." "Okay," she sighed. "Bye, Der." She moved off of him and to where Hannah was standing, her hands on her hips as she reached forward to grab Meredith's hand and drag her the rest of the way to the elevator. She looked exhausted. He wished he could go home with her now instead of being stuck here. She needed something, he had no idea what it was but he hated sending her home alone. He just needed to check on some post-ops. And then he'd go home. Maybe they would talk. Talking might be good if she wasn't still so tired. They needed to talk or something. He rubbed his hand slightly, the hand that had been resting on her stomach. Since his talk with Mark the day before, he had been trying to be better. Be better for Meredith. And he had a feeling just the fact that he was touching her stomach made her feel better. And asking about Blueberry. He still wasn't entirely sure what to feel, but at this point, anything to make Meredith feel better was what he needed to be doing. This was better, it hadn't been that long but this felt better. He wasn't sure how but at least Meredith seemed better. And now he was feeling like the talk was coming. It would help, it would solidify things and take away whatever issues they still had. They were running low on time and talking was the next step. He just wasn't exactly sure what he was going to say to her. He had spent most of the night thinking about Mark and Addison, instead of thinking about what to say to her. He had come home and she had been sleeping and he didn't want to wake her up. So he had let her sleep, and he had spent most of the night thinking about the fact that his brother was never going to be a dad, and that it was ruining his marriage. He hadn't even thought about Blueberry. Which was probably not a good idea. He knew that Meredith would get it, when he told her Mark's news he wouldn't hold it against him for occupying his thoughts. He felt terrible for him, he was terrified for them and he wanted to do something. But there was nothing, nothing but trying to figure out what to do about Blueberry. Which seemed even more terrifying than Mark and Addison's problems. He sighed as he grabbed a chart and made his way to the NICU to check on a baby he had operated on that morning. Mark and Addison's issues were huge. And they were treading water. They couldn't have a baby, and that was...that was awful. But his wife was carrying a baby. A baby she apparently already loved as she had created a nickname for it. A cute nickname that even he couldn't help but grin at. Blueberry, Meredith was carrying his tiny blueberry. The happy voice in his head, the one that was pretty sure all of this amazing, loved the nickname. He loved the nickname. Blueberry because he was really tiny. Meredith wasn't even showing yet, but he was in there on her hand was permanently on her stomach now. Which was nice, it was nice to see her so happy about this. Five years earlier, she had told him she couldn't date him because he had a daughter. Because she didn't do kids. And now she was carrying their baby. Their little blueberry, and he hadn't seen her this happy in a long time. She was glowing. Which he figured she'd kill him if he said it, his sisters had always threatened to. But she was. Even with the exhaustion and the morning sickness, she was glowing. He wasn't sure she even noticed it. He was pretty sure that she had no idea how happy she was and how much time she spent touching her own stomach. She was thrilled. She was so happy he wondered how other people hadn't started to ask questions. And he wanted to be that happy too, he wanted to smile with her and touch her stomach. Everything about him said that was amazing. But there was still that other voice. That other voice that was telling him this would ruin everything. Hannah had put him through the wringer. He had considered checking himself into the psych ward more than once before she had turned a year old. But Mark was right. Meredith would be there this time. He just wasn't sure how much that actually helped. "Hey, Dr. Shepherd," the NICU nurse greeted him. "He's doing really well." "Good, that's good," Derek nodded, reaching into the incubator. "Poor little guy," she sighed. "But vitals are good. We had a little scare earlier but he's doing a lot better." "Have the parents been in to see him?" "Mom came in earlier," she nodded. "Dad's still a bit iffy about it." "Doesn't want to see his little one in bad shape," Derek sighed. He got that. He had had a little one. He might have another little one coming. If he said yes. If he told Meredith he wanted her to keep Blueberry. "I think Mom's talking him into it though," the nurse smiled as she wrote down some information into the chart. "I don't think I've ever seen a dad cry like that. We get a lot of worried moms, not as many worried dads." "I get it," Derek nodded. Because he did. He had been terrified of something being wrong with Hannah and now, now Meredith had Blueberry. Blueberry was still too tiny to know if he was okay, there could be lots of bad things wrong that they didn't even know about. And he could understand a worried father. Not enough fathers worried enough. "At least they prepared themselves," she sighed. "They knew what was going to happen the second he was born." She looked up as a nearby monitor went off. "I have to check on another baby, you okay to finish, Dr. Shepherd?" "Of course," Derek nodded. They knew. The parents had known this was going to happen. He had sat down with them before the baby had even been born to explain everything that had happened. He watched them both break down while he thought of his own baby and now theirs was okay. They had known it would be a battle but it was okay now. At least they had known. "Let me know if you need anything," the nurse smiled widely as she walked away towards the beeping monitors. He had no idea how Blueberry was. He had no idea what he expected if they decided to keep him, he had no idea if another surgeon would have to operate on his baby and he had no idea if he was even healthy enough to carry full term. Meredith had had the appointment, she knew something. But he didn't. He had no idea how Blueberry was and that was wrong. It was definitely wrong. Blueberry was his baby. His baby and he had no idea if everything had checked out at the appointment. He didn't know if Meredith was going to be running any tests to make sure everything really was okay. He didn't know anything. All knew was that there was a baby. A baby who was now as big as an olive, but had once been as small as a blueberry. That was all he knew. Which made him feel like an ass. Meredith was dealing with this all alone. Meredith hadn't even thought to tell him about her appointment because she thought that she was entirely in this. Which was wrong. He had promised her that she would never be alone again and now she had probably spent weeks worrying about Blueberry and about him and he had done nothing to help her. He stared at the baby in the incubator in front of him, the little boy who didn't even have a name yet, because his parents had been too scared to become attached to him. He had watched them break down just two weeks earlier, both of them crying after he told them their newborn would need brain surgery. But they had been in this together, they had helped each other. And he hadn't even thought to do the same thing for Meredith. He had given her the impression he didn't want to be involved. He was trying now, he was making an effort but it didn't feel like it was enough. Meredith did this for a living, she saw everything that he saw and she had to have the same fears. Meredith was somehow managing to be strong amongst all of this and she had to be terrified. He was terrified and he wasn't even sure how he felt. She was pregnant and that was big, that was huge. He looked around at the sick babies in the incubators, at the preemies, at the machines keeping them alive. And he felt his heart skip a beat. This could be his baby. He had spent hours worrying about it before Hannah had been born, a week late and completely healthy. But now it was back again. The fear that this could be Blueberry. And he didn't even know if Blueberry was growing okay. He had been so concentrated on his other fears, on him and Meredith and Hannah he hadn't even thought about the other life that was involved. It had been the baby, it had been the thing that was making Meredith sick and nothing more, nothing he wanted to think more of. But Blueberry was his. Blueberry was his and anything could go wrong. The babies surrounding him proved anything could go wrong. He needed to know. He needed to know that Blueberry was okay, that Meredith was okay. He should have known by now. He had known about Hannah every step of the way. He had been to every appointment, seen every ultrasound and sonogram. He had heard her heart beating when she was a little bit bigger than Blueberry was right now. He had known. And he needed to know now. Which probably said something, it probably said something really big that he hadn't even considered. He didn't feel sick thinking about it anymore. He wanted to rub his hand again, the one that had been rubbing her stomach earlier. She was pregnant with his Blueberry and he didn't know how everything was. But he wanted to and that should mean something. He didn't want something to be wrong. He ran his hand over the baby's bandages, his chest twisting. This could be his baby. This could be his Blueberry. It wasn't, but it was possible. He felt tears building in his eyes and he took a deep breath as he closed the incubator and signed his name quickly to the chart. He should have been at that appointment. Meredith hadn't told him about it, but he should have been there. For her and for their little blueberry. He needed to get home and talk to her. He still wasn't sure what to say, what to do but he needed to at least talk to her and see how his baby was. That she kept calling him and he and he didn't even know why. She didn't know but she acted like she knew. Which was amazing, his little boy. She might be carrying his little boy or his little girl and he needed to know more. Before something bad happened. He suddenly felt an overwhelming need to know everything. To know how fast the heartbeat was, to know that the kidneys were developing properly, to know exactly what Addison had said. He wanted to know when exactly Blueberry could get here, because Meredith had just said around Christmas. But he needed to know exactly when. He needed to know everything. Every little thing. He had to get home now. He had some more patients he should probably check in on but they could wait, or he could get a resident to check up on them. They were post op and so far they had been fine. They could wait. Meredith and Blueberry couldn't wait. He needed to talk to her, he needed to find out that his baby was okay and then figure out what to do next. He had a feeling he knew. Because this was Blueberry. This was Blueberry and Meredith. And because suddenly, the idea of losing Blueberry made him sick. The idea of losing something he had never even wanted made him...he wasn't even sure. He hadn't wanted this. He hadn't wanted another baby. He loved their perfect life. But Blueberry was on his way and...losing him was unimaginable. His heart was racing as he reached his office and he pulled off his scrubs. She'd be at home by now, probably sound asleep from the way she had looked when she was leaving. And Hannah would be gone for a while, with ballet and then doing something with his mom. Which was good, it was really good and it would give them time to talk. He had to figure out what this fear meant. He had seen a lot of devastated parents. In all of his years of being a doctor, he had seen too many parents completely devastated by the loss of a baby. Or just a child. They were his least favorite cases. There was nothing worse than telling parents their child hadn't made it. Even parents who had never wanted kids were devastated. Parents who stared at him when he told them their baby hadn't survived, tears in their eyes. Parents like Jacob Hanes who hadn't even thought to be concerned about his baby but the second he had found out that the baby was gone he had been devastated. Derek couldn't become that parent. He couldn't loose the baby he hadn't even wanted, he couldn't lose the baby period. Meredith was far too happy and he wanted to be that happy. he wanted that for them. His mind raced as he drove home, his heart pounding in his ears. He couldn't imagine losing Blueberry. He didn't even know the baby, he had no idea how this baby was doing and he already felt a soaring amount of emotion towards him or her. He wasn't sure what it was, but he knew he needed to get home to them. He knew he needed to know everything, needed to protect them both. "Mer?" he called as he walked into the house, not surprised to hear no answer. She was sleeping, probably up in their bed. She needed the sleep and he would let her get it. He was home, that's what matter. Blueberry needed his or her mother to sleep. He just needed to see her, watch her sleep and know that for now at least they were both okay. Talking could come later. He had forgotten her bread. He realized that as he was walking up the stairs towards their bedroom. He'd get yelled at for that later. But bread didn't seem all that important when he needed to see her, when he needed to watch her sleep and make sure everything was okay, needed to make sure they were both healthy. He opened their bedroom door slowly and smiled when he saw her, sound asleep on her back, her hand resting slightly on her stomach. She was okay, he knew she would be but it was good to see her sleeping fine. She looked better, some colour that had been missing earlier had returned to her cheeks and she looked peaceful. Peaceful was good. He moved slowly, trying not to move the bed too much as he crawled beside her. He didn't want to wake her up. He just needed to beside her. That was enough. He turned onto his side and looked at her, his eyes moving up and down her body as her chest rose and fell. She looked different. He had noticed that a few times, but never like this. Her face was a little fuller and she was...softer. She looked softer. She had always been so thin, and now there was something about her that looked much softer. Her chest was bigger. He had noticed that first but had never concentrated on it, her chest had grown. And everything else was starting to round out, in this entirely gorgeous way that made his heart feel ever so slightly tighter. His Meredith, who had never wanted children, was pregnant with his second child and she looked amazing. And he was just noticing it. He ran his hands down her sides, pausing as he noticed something new, something entirely new. She felt...different. Around her stomach, she was different. He couldn't exactly place his finger on it, but something was different. Her hips were a little bigger, her chest was a lot bigger, but there was something about her stomach that he couldn't remember ever noticing before now. He lifted her shirt slowly, watching her face carefully to make sure he wasn't waking her up. She needed her sleep, she couldn't wake up yet. He just needed to look at her. Mainly look at her stomach. That was so different. It wasn't as flat. There was no bump, not quite yet but it wasn't exactly Meredith's stomach. It had changed. Blueberry had already left his or her mark on her body. He ran his hand lightly over the smallest bit of fat that was there now, smiling as his hand rounded just a little. Blueberry. His little blueberry was in there right now, already changing her completely. She had griped about her jeans being too tight and this was why. She didn't have a bump, but she had gained weight. She was gaining weight in her stomach, where their baby was growing. Their baby was in there. He had felt her stomach a couple of times, but never like this, never thinking about exactly what was in her stomach, their baby. Which was so amazing. For once there was no other voices in his head, jut the one that kept screaming that this was amazing. There was a baby in her. Their baby which was perfect. And she looked amazing. His breath caught in his throat as he watched a tear fall onto her stomach. She was having his baby. She was carrying his second child. His son or daughter was in there and he pressed his lips softly to the skin, his fingers still dancing across her slightly raised abdomen. He was going to be a daddy again. He hadn't even thought he wanted it, but he was going to be a daddy again.


LOVE IS IN EVERYTHING - Part 3 · GA FAN FICS