Viewing Single Post From: YOU PICKED ME

Viewing Single Post From: YOU PICKED ME - Part 1
oncetherewasaway	Dec 27 2007, 12:08 PM
McEditor Posts: 1,625 Group: .Grey Girls. Member #23 Joined: October 25, 2006	“Thanks, Mark,” Derek smiled as Hannah lifted up the cup to drink the melted remnants of her strawberry ice cream. “Careful, Han.” "Course Daddy," Hannah nodded as a little bit dribbled onto her chin. “Of course,” Derek laughed as he wiped her chin. “You’re going to get ice cream on your tutu, hun.” "Oh that would be bad," Hannah frowned. “Really bad,” Derek nodded seriously. "I'll be careful, Daddy," Hannah grinned. “That’s my girl,” he smiled, kissing her forehead before smiling briefly at Meredith. "So that was...good, thank you," Meredith nodded. “Welcome, Mereith,” Hannah grinned. "It's no problem, Mer," Derek grinned. "Hannah wanted you here." “Oh yeah,” Mark nodded, “Hannah.” "Mark, keep your mouth shut," Derek groaned. “Will do,” Mark nodded, standing. “Hey, Han, want to play Pacman?” "Pacman!" Hannah grinned. "Yes, Uncle Monkey.” “You can kick my butt again,” he laughed, lifting her and swinging her in the air. "I like kicking your butt," Hannah giggled. “Yeah I know,” he grinned. “You two. Sit. Talk. Do your thing.” He carried a giggling Hannah towards the arcade games in the back, still smirking. "Sorry...Mark's an idiot," Derek sighed. “Yeah, I know,” she sighed, trailing her spoon through her ice cream. Awkward. This was going to be awkward. She was going to kill Mark Sloan. Kill him and make it look like an accident. She seriously doubted anyone would even miss him. Except maybe Hannah. She seemed to like him. But she was only five, she didn’t know any better. "Thanks for coming," he sighed. "Not for me. I mean...it's nice having you here but really...it means a lot to Hannah. So thanks. I know you probably want to be anywhere but here." “No,” she shook her head. “It’s...it’s fine. She’s cute.” "She is," Derek smiled proudly. “Humble too,” Meredith giggled. "She learned from the best," he laughed. “She never stood a chance with you and Sloan,” Meredith smiled. "She probably didn't," Derek sighed. “But still...cute,” she said quickly. “Cute and...funny and smart and...yeah.” "You like her." “It’s kind of hard not to.” "Tell me about it," he laughed. "She has everyone she meets wrapped around her finger in minutes." “Apparently.” "And she likes you." “She does?” "Definitely," he nodded. "She has asked me how you were every day since she met you." “Seriously?” "Yeah. She likes you." “Oh...” she breathed, trailing her spoon over her bowl. "So...ummm...how was your week?" “Long,” she murmured. “Really...long. Yours?” "Long," he sighed. "It was definitely one of those hell weeks." “Yeah,” she nodded. “Week from hell. Definitely.” "Miss neuro?" “Um...yeah. I do. A lot actually.” "Sorry," he nodded. "I'll get you on neuro tomorrow." “It’s fine,” seh shook her head. “You don’t have to. I...it’s been and we’ve been...I’m with Sloan tomorrow.” "You like neuro, Mer. And...you don't deseve to miss out on it." “I do like neuro,” she nodded carefully. "I'll get you in," he nodded. “Thanks,” she murmured. It was insanely awkward. This was bad. They had ended their thing. Their whatever they had. And now they were sitting here across from each other while his adorable, insanely lovable daughter was playing just a few feet away. Awkward. This had been one of the stupidest ideas she’d ever had. "No problem," he sighed. "The others...they're driving me crazy." “Who have you been working with?” "O'Malley today." “Oh, George,” she giggled. "Oh George is right," he laughed. "Is he always that awkward?" “Yeah, he kind of is.” "I asked him to go get an MRI and I was pretty sure he nearly passed out." “Poor George,” she laughed. "I think he could be good. He just needs some more confidence." “Yeah, probably,” she nodded, biting her lip. This wasn’t them. They usually flirted and had sexy talk and banter and...this wasn’t them. "Izzie is annoyingly perky." “Oh completely,” Meredith rolled her eyes. “And she bakes. All the time.” "You live with her, right?" “Her and George.” "That has to be...hell." “They’re not...they’re not that bad,” Meredith sighed. “I’m not home enough but...I mean, it could be worse.” "It could be," he nodded and then sighed loudly. "God, this is wierd." “You too?” she asked, looking up from her empty bowl. "Definitely," he sighed.. “This is...it’s bad.” "I want to flirt but I'm trying to give you time to adjust to all of this." “I don’t know if I can, Derek,” she murmured. “I can’t...I like her. She’s adorable. But I’m not...I can’t be a mom.” "I'm not asking you to be her mom," Derek shook his head. “She should have a mom,” she sighed. “She probably wants a mom.” "That little girl has everything she wants," Derek shrugged. "She's not looking for anything." “Derek...I know...having a parent leave it’s not...it’s not easy.” "She didn't have a parent leave. She never had a mom." “She knows she had a mom. And she knows her mom left.” "She knows she has a dad that gives her the world, and a live in uncle that gives her just as much. Don't even get me started on her grandma and aunts and everyone at the hospital." “Still...” Meredith sighed. "There's no big holes in her life that need filling." “You’re telling me she’s never asked about her mom?” "She hasn't," Derek shook his head. "I expect they're coming soon now that she's in school but...she knows she's loved. She's happy." “Oh,” she breathed, looking down to play with her napkin. She could tell him things. Big things. She could tell him how much it screwed up a kid to have a parent leave. And she could tell him how dark and twisty she was and how he definitely wouldn’t want someone who was dark and twisty around his daughter. But they weren’t...they weren’t anything. "Mer...I just want a date. That's all. See where it goes from there. I'm not asking you to take her to dance class or tell her about sex." “She’s five, Derek.” "Okay, so it would be a little early for a sex talk." “Just a little.” "The point is...I'm not looking for someone to fill a hole in her life. There is no hole to fill." “But she deserves someone who wants to be a mom for her.” "She deserves someone who is willing to give the dating a man with a kid thing a shot." “Exactly,” she sighed. “That’s not me, Derek.” "It could be." “It’s not,” she shook her head. “It’s not me. I don’t...I don’t even date. And you...you’re great and you deserve someone who dates and wants kids and wants the happily ever after thing or whatever.” "You don't want happily ever after?" “I don’t think it’s real,” she sighed. "That's...tragic," he whispered. “See!” she waved her hand. “This is why...you believe in that. And you want that. You believe in all of that and I just...I’m okay with just having sex only. And you’re not. And you never could be. So that’s why...we can’t, Derek.” "All you want for the rest of your life is casual sex?" “Yes. No. I don’t know. Maybe.” "Maybe," he nodded slowly. “Maybe,” she shrugged. “And you...you have a daughter. A really amazing daughter who doesn’t have a mom.” "And isn't looking for one." “Fine. I know. But still...we can’t.” "Okay,” he nodded. “O-okay?” "Okay." “Okay meaning...” "Okay, I'm letting it go," he nodded. "For now." “Oh,” she breathed, trying to ignore the pain in her chest. He was letting go. That was good. He was letting go for now. That was good. Really good. Pains in the chest meant nothing. Because it was good. Definitely good. “Okay.” "One day you'll wonder how you ever lived without me," he smirked. “I seriously doubt it,” she rolled her eyes. "You will." “Daddy!” Hannah came running towards them. “I kicked Uncle Monkey’s butt!” "Good job!" Derek exclaimed. “He’s real bad at Pacman,” Hannah giggled, climbing onto his lap. "Or maybe you're just really good," Derek laughed, wrapping his arms around his daughter. “I am real good.” "You are," Derek grinned, kissing her cheek. “She cheats,” Mark groaned as he walked over. “She’s cute and it’s damn distracting and she cheats.” "She's five," Derek groaned. “And she cheats.” "Or you suck." “That’s a bad word, Daddy,” Hannah put her finger against his lips. "Sorry," Derek laughed. “If you say bad words you get your toys taken away,” Hannah explained to Meredith. "That makes sense," Meredith nodded. "Are you going to take Daddy's toys away?" “Yep,” Hannah nodded. “His phone and his fishing pole.” "He likes that phone a lot," Meredith giggled. “It’s for work,” Derek frowned. "No one else is on their phone that much," Meredith pointed out. “Maybe I work harder than everyone else.” "Or play Tetris." “What’s Tetris?” Hannah asked as she reached into Derek’s pocket to take out his phone. "A game on my phone that I don't play a lot," Derek explained. “I wanna play!” Hannah exclaimed. "Okay," Derek nodded. "Let me see the phone." “But you said a bad word,” Hannah frowned. "If you want to play Tetris I have to start it for you." “How do you play, Daddy?” she asked, looping her arm around his neck as he started the game for her. "There's tiny little blocks...and you have to move them around so they fall in a line." “How?” she asked, leaning closer to him. "With these tiny arrows, see?" Meredith couldn’t help but smile as she watched Derek and Hannah with each other. He was a great dad. A really, really great dad. And they were obviously the center of each other’s worlds. She knew Derek insisted that Hannah didn’t need a mom, she knew he really thought Hannah didn’t need any of that, that she was happy, and she definitely looked it, but Meredith didn’t think she could become a part of this without ruining it. She didn't know how to do this. She liked Hannah. Hannah was an amazingly great kid and Derek had obviously done a great job raising her. She really liked Hannah. But she didn't even know how to date a guy, let alone a guy with a kid. She didn't know how to do this and there were too many feelings at stake to give it a try. Trying would only hurt in the long run. She didn’t have the heart to try only to hurt Derek and Hannah. Hannah who was great and deserved someone who would never, every hurt her. And Derek...he deserved the happily ever after part. And she couldn’t give that ot him. She didn’t know how. She didn’t know how to give it to him and she definitely didn’t know how to give it to Hannah. If she tried, she’d just end up hurting them. And they deserved so much more than that. I wish I could be every little thing you wanted all the time Disclaimer: After this update it will be abundantly clear that we don't own the show. Because the day Mer and Der do this on the show is the day we die or hell freezes over or something. Just...yeah, we wish this would happen. Derek tied his scrub pants quickly as he walked out of his office, moving quickly towards the patient's room. He had finished the surgery well over an hour ago and then had run to grab Hannah from school. He had no idea how the patient was doing now, but Meredith was looking after him. Meredith. Meredith was finally his intern after two weeks of avoiding. It was good working with her again. Not that he was playing favourites, that would be entirely wrong. But Meredith was definitely his favourite, and not just for his own personal reasons. Not that those didn't come into play. It was nice to have her around, even if it was just at work and no where else. He could deal with that for now. Better than anything else. She was still antsy around him, still avoiding in a lot of ways. He tried to be strictly professional around her, and she seemed to respond well to that, He wanted to flirt with her, he wanted to be with her, but he was trying to give her space. She needed space, he understood that. Having a kid was a big deal, a huge deal, and he understood that. He understood why she was freaking out. This had been exactly what he had expected from her. He had expected the freak out, he had planned on giving her space. It just didn't mean it wasn't killing him. He missed having her around to flirt with and kiss and everything else they had been doing. He missed their easy friendship or whatever it was that they had become. The missing her actually made his chest ache. He rounded the corner, smiling when he saw her leaning over the nurse's station, writing in the chart. This was why his chest ached. He missed being able to walk up behind her and whisper something extremely dirty in her ear, missed being able to run his hand up and down her back, missed trying to be entirely secretive about it. He missed what they had had. He walked up behind her and smiled when she didn't even react, staring intently at the chart in her hands, in her own entire different world. She was adorable when she got that concentrating look on her face. He leaned closer and she still didn't react so he took a deep breath, letting the smell of flowers and Meredith surround him. He wasn't sure there was a smell he liked more. "What are you doing?" she murmured, her shoulders tensing only slightly. "Oh umm...nothing," he shook his head quickly, pulling back from her. "You're doing that thing," she sighed, turning to look at him. "What thing?" "The dreamy Derek thing," she nodded. "The thing we're not doing." "I'm being dreamy?" he smirked. "Smelling hair is apparently dreamy," she groaned. "Who said I was smelling your hair?" "Oh, so you came up behind me and took a deep breath and moaned slightly because...?" "I didn't moan...did I?" "You kind of did." "Oh..." he nodded slowly. "I didn't even think you knew I was here. You didn't say anything." "Yeah, I...I mean..." she bit her lip, looking down at the chart. "How's Hannah?" "She's good," Derek grinned. "Her teacher told her about pointe shoes yesterday, so now she has a new life goal." "Pointe shoes?" Meredith asked as she handed him the chart. "Those shoes ballerina's wear...apparently like putting your foot in a coffee cup. And of course she wants them." "I'm guessing they're a big deal?" "Yes. Apparently my poor neglected daughter will never be a real ballerina without them." "Of course," she nodded. "Patient's doing well. Just waking up from the anesthesia.” "Good," Derek smiled. "You've checked everything?" "No," Meredith rolled her eyes. "I ran in, made sure he was awake, and then went and had a cup of coffee." "There's the attitude I missed," he laughed. "I checked everything. He's doing fine." "Good," he nodded. "Feel good to be back on neuro?" "Better than plastics," she smiled. "That would be another person that likes me more than Mark." "That's not all that hard, Derek." "It's not?" "He's Mark. He's a pain in the ass." "And I'm not?" "You're less of one." "Good to know," he nodded. "But you're still an ass." "Oh but you like me ever so much." "You keep telling yourself that." "There's nothing to tell myself," he shook his head. "You like me. I know it." "Of course you do," she rolled her eyes, moving to walk away from him. "You do," he grinned as he moved to start following her. "I told you...it's in your eyes." "I told you...cheesy." "You always smile when I'm cheesy." "I'm laughing at you." "I'm sure you are." "Completely laughing at how cheesy you are." "I don't actually hear any laughter." "It's in my head. I smile to make you think you're actually cute." "You think I'm cute?" "Definitely not," she shook her head quickly. "You're cute when you're in denial." "I am not in denial." "Of course not," Derek nodded. "And I'm not cute." "You're definitely cute." "You're doing the thing." "The dreamy thing?" "Yes." "Hmm.." he nodded, suddenly grabbing her arm and dragging her into the on call room they were passing. "What are you doing?" she gasped as he closed the door. "I'm not actually quite sure," he shrugged. "I wanted you alone." "We're not doing the alone thing." "Apparently we are." "We're not supposed to." "I know," he nodded. "Which means I should probably go." "Or you could stay." "Derek..." she sighed as he ran his thumb over her jawline. "I know...space," he nodded. "But I miss this. I miss you." "It's not space," she shook her head. "We...I finished it." "You finished it. Which suggests I thought it was a good idea." "It's not." "I disagree," he breathed. "I know," she murmured, sounding breathless herself as he ran his fingers through her hair. "Mer..." he whispered, dipping his head down as he held hers in place and pressed his lips against hers. "Derek," she gasped slightly, her own hands moving up to his curls as she kissed him hard, her tongue demanding entrance into his mouth. His grasp tightened on her and he pulled her closer, kissing her deeply as she tugged on his hair. "No." "No?" he murmured, still holding her tightly. "We can't," she shook her head, moving to pull out of his arms. "We...why?" "Because we can't," she said firmly. "We...I can't. We're not. I ended this. We're over." "Why?" "You now why. Because you're my boss. And I'm your intern. And you have a kid." "That boss stuff is bullshit at this point. And yes...Hannah is a big deal but this big?" "Derek, we can't. Just leave it." "No," he shook his head. "If you want me to stop chasing you, I want a reason." "And I've given you a reason." "No, you haven't." "Yes, I have. So stop...stop kissing and being McDreamy. Just stop. It messes with my head." "And you're messing with mine." "What? How am I messing with yours? I ended it. I said I couldn't and you're chasing and smelling my hair and having eye sex with me over a seventeen year old patient and buying me ice cream and..." "And you ended it for no reason. You ended it because I have a daughter. I get that it's not easy to deal with, I get that. But this bad? Ending it completely because I have a daughter?" "It's not only that. I was going to end it before that." "You...what? Why?" "Because I can't do this. I can't be in a relationship and be what you need. I can't. And you deserve better." "Why can't you?" he asked gently. "Because I can't," she sighed. "Because my dad left when I was five and I don't do relationships." "Okay," Derek said slowly, grabbing her arm and dragging her over the bed, pulling her down. "You're talking." "What?" "If you don't think you can do this, that's fine. But I have a right to know why." "I just can't. It's as simple as that. That's your reason." "No," he shook his head. "If you ever want me to back off I'm going to need a real reason as to why." "Fine," she sighed, turning to look at him. "Hannah needs a mom." "No she doesn't," Derek shrugged. "Yes, she does," Meredith said firmly. "I know what it's like, Derek. My dad...he left. He left and he didn't want me. He left and got a new family with new daughters who he loved more than me and he was the perfect dad to them. And my mom...my mom handed me off to nannies and hospital daycare and everything else...I know what it feels like to not be wanted." "Oh Mer..." Derek breathed, grabbing her hand tightly. "That must have been hell." "So Hannah...Hannah needs a mom. And Hannah needs a mom who isn't as dark and twisty as she is. And she needs a mom who wants kids. Who isn't going to screw her up. Who doesn't have a mom with Alzheimer's and a weird new fake family she has no idea what to do with, even if she does love them insanely. She deserves that. And so do you." "Your mom has Alzheimers?" Derek whispered. "Yeah," Meredith whispered after a second. "I'm so sorry," he murmured, running his thumb over her hand. "I had no idea. But...so you're dark and twisty? It doesn't mean I want someone else." "Derek...dark and twisty. Really, really dark and twisty. And I don't do relationships. One night stands, yes. But relationships? No. And you...you believe in things. Things I don't believe in and you have a daughter who is going to be dark and twisty because her mom didn't want her." "She's not going to be dark and twisty," Derek shrugged. "Hannah has never felt anything but wanted her entire life." "Her mom left. Her mom never wanted her. That screws with a person." "No it doesn't," Derek shook his head. "You...you knew your dad, you loved your dad and he walked away. And nannies...you had no one acting like they wanted you. And that must have been hell. But that wasn't Hannah's life." "And Hannah didn't know her mom at all?' "She never knew her mom," he shook his head. "Her mom never held her, her mom didn't name her. She didn't have a mother abandon her. She just never had one." "Oh," Meredith sighed. "And a day hasn't gone by that Hannah hasn't felt wanted. She comes first for me. She comes first for Mark. And my mom and my sisters adore her. Even the hospital staff. She's probably the most loved kid in the world." "She's kind of hard not to love," Meredith murmured, staring at her wringing hands. "She really is," he nodded, shifting to run his hand along her back. "My daughter isn't missing anything. I see to that. I'm not looking for someone else to see to it." "But she deserves it," she sighed. "She deserves...and you deserve...you deserve things. You both deserve things." "You deserve things too." "Don't," she shook her head. "Don't do that. Don't be...this is about you and Hannah and I...I can't give those things. I can't." "How do you even know that?" "I know. I completely know. I don't even want to give those things. I don't like those things. I don't believe in those things." "You don't mean that," he shook his head. "Yes I do." "Really? You don't want to fall in love and get your happily ever after?" "Okay, the happily ever after part? Not real." "You really think that?" "Yeah, I do. It's just...it's not real, Der." "That's just...quite possibly one of the most heart breaking things I've ever heard." "Cheesy." "Maybe," he sighed. "But...it's...you deserve happily ever after." "So do you," she sighed. "If you believe in it then...I can't, Derek. I can't give you or Hannah happily ever after or whatever." "How do you know that?" "I just do. You want more. I don't." "And you don't even want to try?" "There's no point. I can't do it. And you deserve it. The casual sex thing works for me. And I don't...I have a mom to take care of. And a career to build. And a fake family to get used to...you deserve someone who isn't entirely screwed up." "And what if all I want is someone entirely screwed up?" "No one wants someone entirely screwed up." "Maybe I do," he shrugged. "I want you." "We can't." "Stop saying that. We can do whatever we want." "Well I don't want." "That's bullshit." "Seriously? You can read my mind?" "I know I can't be alone in feeling this." "Maybe you are." "I'm not." "Derek, I can't do this. I can't be with you and I...I can't. So just stop." "And I can't do that." "Well you're going to have to learn." "Or you could learn." "I don't do relationships," she shook her head, moving to stand. "And you can't even try?" he asked, grabbing her arm to hold her in place. "I don't want to try. There's no point in trying." "So you're just going to pretend none of this ever happened?" "We had sex for two months, Derek. Nothing happened between us." "That's just a lie." "It's not a lie. We fucked all over the hospital." "We did," he nodded. "And it went hell of a lot deeper than that. Even if you want to end it, you don't get to cheapen what we had." "Whatever," she rolled her eyes. "It's over." "And you're not even going to admit it was something?" "It doesn't matter," she sighed, looking down at her shoes. "It's done and that's it." "Admit what we had." "Derek..." "If you want me to let this drop, just admit that the last two months have been something." "It's been...I don't know. Something. Something that's over." "Because of what your dad did?" he whispered. "What?" "He left you, he hurt you," Derek murmured. "He...didn't give you what you deserve." Meredith stared at him for a second before shaking her head. "He hurt me. He left. He got a new family. But no...it's...it's not that, Derek. It's...it's not that." "Then what exactly is it?" "It's...you and Hannah deserve...I know you're not looking for a mom for Hannah. I get that. She doesn't need one. But she deserves one. And you," she sat back down on the bed, "Derek, you deserve someone who's not afraid to commit. You deserve...you want something really big and...I can't give that to you." "I don't know if I want it with anyone else," Derek admitted quietly. "Don't say that." "It's how I feel, Mer." "You...you don't mean it," she shook her head. "You don't...you don't know me. And we're...and you're...you don't mean it." "You have no idea what I mean," he said quietly. "I'm...I have to go," she whispered, jumping back up from the bed. "Okay," he nodded, standing up with her. "Just...stop okay?" she whispered. "I'm not," he murmured. "Derek..." "Mer...your life...it's been hell. I'm...someone gets to give you what you deserve." "I'm fine, Derek. I don't need a knight in shining whatever." "Okay," he nodded slowly. "So you don't have to give me...I don't need it. I'm fine. My dad...I'm over that. I don't need someone giving me...I don't need it. So stop. Stop trying to save me. Stop trying to be this great guy that...I don't need it. And I don't need you. I'm okay by myself. I've always been okay by myself. So stop. Just stop." "I’m not trying to save you, I'm trying to be in your life." "You're trying to save me. You're trying to make it all better. I don't need it to be all better." "I'm trying to be with you." "Whatever," she rolled her eyes. "Meredith..." he sighed, suddenly reaching forward and pulling her into his arms, hugging her tightly. "What...what are you doing?" she breathed. "It's called a hug," he whispered. "Go with it." "I don't need a hug," she murmured, her head resting on his shoulder. "Sure you don't," he sighed, rubbing his hand along her back. "I'm sorry, Derek." "You have nothing to be sorry for." "You're doing it again." "The dreamy thing?" "Yeah," she breathed. "Good," he nodded. "I said you couldn't anymore." "Yeah, I heard you." "So you should consider stopping." "I could," he nodded. "But I'm not." "You're wasting your time," she sighed, pulling back and then kissing him gently. "We'll see about that," he smiled slightly. "Good bye, Derek," she sighed, pulling out of his arms. "See you later, Mer," he nodded. "Dr. Shepherd," she nodded as she opened the door and left him alone. He felt back onto the bed and ran his fingers through his hair. Now he know all the dark and twisty bits. It's all he had been asking for. He had been hearing can't for so long all he had wanted was some reasoning, so he knew what he was working with. And now he knew. Meredith's life hadn't been fair. Meredith's life had never showed her that things like this could work. But that didn't mean they couldn't. She didn't believe they could, but he knew this was something big. He knew this was a big step for her. And if she wasn't ready for it, he understood. But he wasn't going to stop. He wasn't going to walk away. He wanted her, he wanted to be with her. And he knew she wanted it too. Even if she couldn't admit it, she wanted this. She deserved her happily ever after. Everyone did but she did most of all. And he deserved her. He didn't care what she thought about him wanting to be with someone better than her, stronger or happier or whatever. He wanted to be with her, who thought she couldn't do this but definitely could. He saw the way she was with Hannah. He saw the way she looked at him when she was too caught up to catch herself. It all meant something. He wasn't going to let this go. He wasn't going to just walk away, not when she looked at him like that. Not when she loved Hannah. She was something else, and he wasn't going to let go. He deserved her, and she deserved to be happy. And he would do everything in his power to make her happy, no matter how much she hated it and told him to stop. I'd like to step into your world Show me a secret I promise to keep it safe and sheltered from the storm I would cross the great divide that keeps me swimming Treading water from your shore Disclaimer: Alicia and Katie would love to tell you in a creative way that we don't own Grey's Anatomy. But we've been staring at the new Patrick Dempsey pictures all day and have nothing to say...except we wish we owned him. She hated cardio. She hated being on cardio. Today was hell. She was on cardio and today was hell. Cardio was Cristina's thing. Neuro was her thing. The specialty, not the head of the department. He was definitely not her thing. If he was it would have bugged her that she hadn't talked him since the on call room the week before. That definitely would have bugged her. But it didn't, because he wasn't her thing or whatever. It didn't bug her that she saw him sometimes in the hallway and he would cast a smile her way. Actually, it did bug her. It bugged her because he was doing the dreamy thing. The thing they said they weren't going to do anymore. But it definitely didn't bug her. The seeing in the hallway thing. Because that was more than enough. She didn't need to talk to him. No talking. She was fine. It didn't bother her at all that Derek, Dr. Shepherd had asked for Stevens when she was standing right there. He wasn't punishing her, he was just giving them both some time. Because he needed to adjust to the fact they weren't going to happen. Ever. And that was okay. And she could probably use some time to make the strange aching in her chest go away. It's not like she missed him. That would be ridiculous. Missing him. Ridiculous and stupid and...stupid. Really, really stupid. Because he was her boss. He was her boss who had great hair and a perfect smile and amazing...she had to stop thinking about him like that. Because they weren't going to happen. Which was fine. He could be perfect with someone else. Someone who wasn't her. She tried to ignore the sharp pain intensifying with the thought. Because she wasn't his. And he wasn't hers. Which was...it was fine. They'd both go on and she'd eventually forget the look he had given her when she had told him to find someone else. Because that look had been enough to make her fall into his arms and mutter a thousand tiny apologies. And now it was making the ache in her chest grow just a tiny bit stronger. But that would all go away. Because she was fine and he was fine and eventually they'd just be colleagues again. So that was the plan. Ignore. Avoid. Forget. It worked. It had to work. She couldn't give him what he wanted, she couldn't be there for him and his daughter. So this would work. And she wouldn't be the slutty intern sleeping with the attending anymore. And he could go back to normal. He could just be her boss, and nothing else. It was a good plan. She just had to keep reminding herself that the inexplicable pain that came along with thinking of this plan would go away in time. She'd move on and the two months of something would become a really hot memory or something, nothing more. And that was good. That was beyond good. It needed to be a memory. She couldn't do anythin else, nothing else could happen. She finished writing in the chart in front of her, handing it to the nurse before looking at her watch. She had to pick up labs and then eat lunch and then check on the cardio patients she was working with. Stupid cardio. Well, not stupid. Cool. Very cool. But it wasn't her thing. It had never been her thing. This day was hell. Complete hell. "Mereith!" Only one person actually said her name like that. One person who's daddy she was trying to avoid and yet aching to see. Not aching to see...just...this was complicated. Far far too complicated. "Hannah!" Meredith greeted, trying to smile at the tiny girl standing beside her "Hi!" Hannah grinned at her, her blue eyes sparkling in excitement. "I haven't seened you in ages!" "It's been...a while," Meredith nodded slowly. "I've been...working." “That’s what Daddy said,” Hannah nodded. “He said you’re real busy cause you’re an intern and interns work more than ‘ttendings. That’s what Daddy is. He’s a ‘ttending and he does hemistomies. I asked him if you did lots of hemistomies and he said not no more. Don’t you like hemistomies, Mereith? I like ‘em even if it’s real gross cause there’s a whole lot of blood.” "Oh umm...yes, I like them," Meredith nodded again. "Are you...do you need your daddy?" “Nope. He’s doing hemsitomies.” "Oh...umm...okay...well...Uncle Monkey? Do you want Uncle Monkey?" Meredith asked, wanting to laugh despite everything at calling a boss Uncle Monkey. “Nope,” Hannah shook her head. “He’s got a sleepover with his new very bestest friend.” "Oh a sleep over, okay," Meredith nodded. "Um...who are you looking for, Hannah?" “You, silly,” Hannah giggled. "Me?" “Yep.” "Wh...why are you looking for me?" “Cause I gotta tell you about lots of stuff!” Hannah nodded, grabbing her hand. “And Daddy said you were working real hard and that’s why you didn’t come see me at ballet yet. So I came to see you.” "Oh umm...tell me stuff?" Meredith asked. “Yep,” Hannah opened her mouth. “I losted my tooth, see? And the tooth fairy gave me a whole dollar! Uncle Monkey said I should buy candy but Daddy says I should save it. Daddy’s kind of silly sometimes. But I lost it and when it fell out, it kinda hurt and there was lots of blood but Daddy made it all better. And gave me a ‘sicle. A cherry one. It was real good and it didn’t hurt no more!” "Oh that's good," Meredith nodded, gesturing for Debbie to page Derek. “And my ballet teacher said I was the very bestest and I told her I wanted to be a real true balleina and she said real true balleinas have pointed shoes. And it makes them stand all the way on their tippy toes! But I can’t have them til I’m lots bigger, like when I’m ten. That’s in a long time though and Daddy and teacher said I gotta wait or I’ll get hurt real bad.” "Than you should wait." “That’s what Daddy said,” Hannah sighed. “You missed Hallween, Mereith. Did you go trick or treating?” "Oh..umm...I worked," Meredith shrugged. "Did you?" “Yep,” Hannah nodded excitedly. “I was a balleina pwincess and Daddy was a ninja and Uncle Monkey was...guess what Uncle Monkey was.” "A monkey?" “A surgeon monkey!” Hannah giggled. "A surgeon monkey?" “Yep,” Hannah nodded. “It was real funny and I got all kinds of candy but Daddy’s hiding it cause it’s real bad for me but Uncle Monkey showed me where it is and he gets me some sometimes when Daddy has to be a doctor ‘stead of a daddy. I got a whole lots of chocolate and it’s real yummy and Daddy gives me one piece after dinner. And then Uncle Monkey gives me two more! So that’s three!” "Oh...does...Daddy know?" “Nope. He’d get real mad at Uncle Monkey.” "He would," Meredith agreed. “So you can’t tell him, okay? You can’t tell no one.” "I won't." “Pinky swear,” Hannah held up her pinky finger. "What?" “Pinky swear.” "Oh...umm how?" “Silly Mereith,” Hannah rolled her eyes. “You gotta hold out your tiny finger.” "Okay," Meredith nodded, holding her finger out like Hannah was. : “And then you go like this,” Hannah wrapped her pinky finger around Meredith’s squeezing tightly. “And you gotta say pinky swear.” "Pinky swear," Meredith smiled. : “Good,” Hannah nodded, releasing Meredith’s finger. “You gotta do one more thing. Cause this is a real big secret cause I Daddy’d get mad at me and Uncle Monkey so you gotta cross your heart, stick a needle in your eye, and hope to die.” "Oh I know that one," Meredith nodded, doing the motions. "Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye." “Yep,” Hannah smiled. “Oh, I ‘most forgot to tell you, Mereith. My class had a parade of Hallween costumes and guess what?” "What?" “I woned cookies for pwettiest costume!” "That's great, Hannah." “I know. I was the bestest and the pwettiest and I ate all the cookies and they were real good. Do you like cookies?” "Cookies are...good." “Course they are. I like chocolate cookies and oatmeal cookies and my nana makes the bestest sugar cookies ever!” "Yummy." “Daddy!” Hannah suddenly said as Derek rounded the corner, tearing off his scrub cap. "I thought I heard people saying there was a really pretty ballerina loose in the hospital," Derek smiled as he walked up to them. “She snuck out of daycare,” Meredith sighed, not meeting his eyes as he scooped up Hannah into his arms. "Snuck isn't actually the right word when you walk in and out of it as you please," Derek sighed, smiling at her. "Sorry." “I had to see Mereith, Daddy,” Hannah grinned from his arms. “I had to tell her about my tooth and my dollar and my pointed shoes and Hallween and the surgeon monkey and candy and the party at school and Nana’s cookies and...” "Slow down, Han," Derek laughed. "You know Meredith is busy when she's at work." “She was at recess,” Hannah nodded wisely. "Interns don't get recess," Derek sighed. “How come?” "Because they're adults, only kids get recess," Derek smiled before turning to look at Meredith again. "Sorry if she was keeping you from something important." “Oh, um...just...labs and stuff,” Meredith stammered slightly, still not meeting his eyes. The ache in her chest intensified and she bit her lip. She was fine. He was fine. They were fine. "If you're too busy to talk just tell her, she understands." “She wasn’t busy, Daddy, honest.” "And how do you know that?" Derek asked. “Cause I looked first. I waited til she was done writing.” "Good girl," Derek nodded. "Really...sorry, Mer." “No, it’s...it’s fine,” Meredith shook her head. “I just...she came to see me.” "She likes you," Derek shrugged. "And she's missed you." “Oh,” Meredith breathed. “I...you should...I mean...she’s not in daycare. So you should...um, fix it.” "She doesn't like staying in daycare. I can talk to her about coming to see you if you want...but I can't make promises she won't come. She has a mind of her own." “Daycare’s silly. I wanna watch a surgery,” Hannah nodded, wrapping her arms around Derek’s neck. “Mereith, come watch a hemistomies with me.” "Meredith probably has too many things to do to watch them with you," Derek told his daughter, then looked at Meredith again. "You can if you want or have time though." “I’m...I’m on cardio.” "I know," he nodded. "Bored, yet?" “A little,” she admitted quietly, smiling slightly as her eyes finally met his. "I can get you on neuro soon if you want," he offered. "Or plastics if that's any better." “I...” she paused for a second. Neuro would be good. She was good at neuro. Amazing at neuro. “Dr. Stevens isn’t helping you enough?” "She is," Derek nodded. "But I can't actually make promises in how long it is till I kill her and I'll need another intern." “Killing’s bad, Daddy.” "You don't know Dr. Stevens, honey." “Nana says killing’s always bad.” "Nana also doesn't know Dr. Stevens." “You chose her,” Meredith pointed out, her voice suddenly stronger as the pain shot through her. "I know," he nodded, frowning slightly. "I shouldn't have." “No,” she murmured, looking back down. “It’s good you did.” "Mer...its not," he shook his head. “No, it is,” she nodded. “She...I need to learn something else, probably.” "Not if you know what you want." “I don’t. That’s...that’s the point.” "If you didn't, not being on neuro wouldn't be hurting so much." “It’s not hurting,” she shook her head. “I’m fine.” "I hate that word." “What word?” "Fine." “Well that’s what I am. I’m fine. Completely fine. Cardio is...cardio is fine.” "Fine," Derek nodded. "This conversation can wait till Hannah's not around." “We’re not having this conversation at all,” she shrugged, suddenly itching to walk away from him. Walk away before she did something else. “You should get her back to daycare.” "I will," he nodded. "Hannah, tell Meredith you'll see her later." “Can I come see you later, Mereith?” Hannah asked. "Oh umm...okay," Meredith nodded slightly. “We gotta make an ‘ppointment,” Hannah nodded eagerly. "An appointment?" Meredith asked. “Yep,” Hannah nodded. “So I don’t get in trouble if you’re real busy.” "Oh...okay," Meredith nodded slowly. “Tell Daddy when you’re not busy, kay?” "Okay," Meredith nodded. “Bye, Mereith,” Hannah grinned, reaching out her arms for a hug. "Oh umm...bye Hannah," Meredith murmured, stepping forward to awkwardly hug her. “See you later!” Hannah giggled, pulling away to wrap her arms around Derek’s neck. "You will," Derek nodded, smiling at Meredith. “Labs,” Meredith murmured. “I have labs.” "You do," Derek grinned. “Goodbye, Dr. Shepherd,” she sighed. "See you later, Dr. Grey." “Bye, Mereith!” Hannah waved as Derek turned and moved into an elevator, the doors closing quickly and blocking them both from view. The ache in her chest returned the second they were gone. That stupid stupid ache. She wanted to avoid him, she wanted to avoid them. And she could have. She could have told Hannah that she was too busy to talk. But Meredith was quite certain those eyes were actually impossible to say no too. It took enough strength to keep saying no to Derek, she couldn't do it to Hannah too. Hopefully Derek would talk to her, tell her to stop. Because it wasn’t easy when a five year old wanted her around so bad. Derek...he was a grown man, he had to deal with the rejection. But Hannah...Derek needed to talk to her. So that she would stop coming around and being adorable and amazing, and giving her those Shepherd eyes. It was cute, Meredith just wasn’t sure why Hannah liked her so much. They had talked three times, for now. And every single time Meredith had felt entirely awkward and that she was screwing everything up. She didn't know how to talk to children but she was pretty sure it was more than the awkward one word answers she was using right now. She hadn't even known how to pinky swear. And Hannah was five. Hannah had no reason to like her. She was just being a five year old. Kids were weird like that. Derek would talk to her and sooner or later she’d get over it. And then she could return back to her normal life. Without the cute five year old who wanted to be a real true ballerina. And without the neurosurgeon who made her wish this could be ten times easier. I told myself I won't miss you But I remember What it feels like beside you


YOU PICKED ME - Part 1 · GA FAN FICS