LOVE IS IN EVERYTHING

Welcome to Seattle Grace Spoilers. We hope you enjoy your visit.

You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free.

Join our community!

If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features:

LOVE IS IN EVERYTHING - Part 3; Trilogy brought to you by Katie & Alicia
Topic Started: Dec 4 2007, 08:34 PM (120 Views)
oncetherewasaway	Dec 4 2007, 08:34 PM Post #1
McEditor Posts: 1,625 Group: .Grey Girls. Member #23 Joined: October 25, 2006	Love is everything By Marylinschild and GraveDancer Sequel to I do So here it is! The third part of our fic!! In case you missed it...here's the first two parts... You Picked Me I Do First...please remember the thread rules... If you are posting on this thread, you are posting one of the following: 1) Randomness (we support random conversation, we love it. 2) A theory. We will discuss theories. We will love theories. 3) A concern that is causing you to teeter on the edge. We will talk you down. 4) A comment about the fic. 5) Sneak peeks, general spoilers You SHOULD NOT be posting the following: 1) Blatant spoilers (aka, the full script, dialogue, etc.) 2) Bad juju. We don't like it. And we'll just be angry if you do it. This is a safe haven. So get your bad juju out of here and go be bad juju-y somewhere else. And remember: "No one ever said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it." "If the road were easy, you wouldn't want to travel that far." So now one with this fic.... ...Or well the lyrics for this fic. Love is in Everything I was waiting for someone to call my name You said a million strangers feel the same The weight of the world, resting only in my head Was all black and white, when it should have been red But touching your hand is making me understand That love is in everything The puzzle is hard but it doesn't mean anything The colours are deaf and the love is in everything I was trying to make sense of all this pain You said that no one could stay dry in all this rain I felt like a lone species in Noah's Ark You said if the road was easy I wouldn't walk that far But touching your hand is making me understand That love is in everything The puzzle is hard but it doesn't mean anything The colours are deaf and the love is in everything Made me believe again That love is in everything The riddle is long but it doesn't solve anything Love is in every Love is in everything All the lights go out when the whisper becomes a shout All the footprints in the sand when I do not understand Touching your hand is making me understand That love is in everything The puzzle is hard but it doesn't mean anything The colours are deaf and the love is in everything Make me believe again Love is in everything The riddle is long but it doesn't solve anything Love is in every Love is in everything Baby..... love is in everything The puzzle is hard but it doesn't mean anything The colours are deaf and the love is in everything Yeah All the light's go out when the whispers becomes a shout All the footprints' on the sand when I do not understand All the light's go out when the whispers becomes a shout All the footprints' on the sand when I do not understand And Katie is currently at work so the first update won't be up until later tonight. Hope to see you here! Author's Note/Warning: So you guys know Alicia and I hate giving spoilers. We're like Shonda, we want to keep you guys guessing. But for the sake of not getting kicked off the board or at least allowing you guys to make your own decision here. This fic isn't going to be bright and shiny. It might get there at one point, but we are dealing with something that is kind of a big deal. Abortion. It will be discussed heavily in this fic. And as Alicia and I are both pro-choice...well...yeah. The pro-life view will be represented and it will be done fairly, but ultimately, kind of a pro-choice fic. We know this is a touchy subject, and we WANT you guys to debate (nicely) over it. We will also understand if you don't want to read. But we're hoping you stick around for this ride. Enjoy! Disclaimer: It's Alicia's job to think of the disclaimer. And Alicia is half asleep from having to be up too early for class so she can't think of anything good. If we owned the show she wouldn't be half asleep. She'd have Paddy to keep her up. "Daddy, can we please let Mom open her presents now?" Hannah sighed for the fourth time in ten minutes as she pushed her broccoli around. Meredith couldn't help but giggle at her daughter's insistence that having broccoli at her birthday party was kind of silly, but Derek had insisted that if he was going to eat nothing but junk for a day, he needed some kind of green vegetable to balance it. "After we're all done eating," Derek laughed softly. "So you might want to eat that." "Mom's not eating hers," Hannah pointed out. "Mom, eat your broccoli," Derek ordered Meredith, his eyes sparkling as he looked at her. Over a year of wedded bliss and his eyes still sparkled like that every time he looked at her, even if it was for the most inane reasons. "I'm eating it," she giggled, wondering why neither of them had noticed that Eskimo for once wasn't begging for people food. Of course, he hadn't actually eaten all the broccoli she had given to him, and she still had to figure out how to get that past Derek. "I don't trust that giggle," Derek sighed, raising an eyebrow at her. "You love my giggle." "No, I love your I'm cute and innocent giggle. That wasn't that giggle." "There are different giggles?" Meredith frowned slightly, edging another piece of broccoli towards Eskimo. "Yes, there are. That was your I'm hiding something and Derek doesn't know giggle." "You're paranoid." "Or I know my wife." "Paranoid," she giggled, amazed by how her face still heated when he said it. They had been married for eighteen months. She was called Dr. Shepherd every day at work. Or the She-Shepherd. But the second he said the word "wife", her face turned pink. She had no idea why, but she definitely liked it. "Just because it's your birthday doesn't mean you get to pretend to be innocent," Derek laughed. "I am innocent." "You?" "In this moment, yes," she giggled, winking at Hannah. "You're giving Eskimo your broccoli again, aren't you?" "What?" she gasped, hoping she looked sufficiently shocked. "No. Never." "Really? Because you said that last week when you gave him your carrots." "I have no idea what you're talking about." "Meredith Shepherd, you have to eat your vegetables." "Okay, I am not five," she said firmly. "And secondly, I eat vegetables." "Mer...vegetables...eat," Derek sighed, gesturing to Hannah with his eyes. "Fine," she sighed. "But I'm making you eat cupcakes for your birthday." "Fine," he rolled his eyes. "Can I eat cupcakes for my birthday?" Hannah grinned as she took a bite of broccoli. "You can," Derek nodded. "Only cupcakes?" "No, goof, not only cupcakes." "No, Han, Daddy makes us eat broccoli on our birthdays," Meredith laughed. "Yes, I do. I'm evil." "Entirely." "I feel outnumbered." "What's outnumbered?" Hannah asked. "It means that you both agree with each other and I have no one here that agrees with me," Derek sighed. "It's because girls have to stick together. Right, Han?" "Yep," Hannah nodded quickly. "Exactly," Meredith smiled at Derek, reaching to grab his hand. "I'll remember this," he frowned as he took Meredith's hand. "And use it against us later," Meredith nodded, squeezing his hand, smiling slightly at the white gold ring on his finger. The ring that only came off when he performed surgery. "That's the general plan," he nodded. "Daddy's so mean to me, Han," Meredith giggled, running her finger over his ring. "He's mean to me too," Hannah agreed as she stabbed at her broccoli. "You poor, poor neglected child," Derek laughed as he squeezed Meredith's hand. "I've treated you so horribly." "Broccoli, Daddy," Hannah rolled her eyes. "Healthy, Han," Derek countered. "But it's my birthday," Meredith whined. "You still have to be healthy on your birthday, Mer," Derek sighed. "No, I'm pretty sure I don't." "Mer," Derek shook his head. "You're a doctor. Would you tell a patient to stop eating his vegetables?" "Well no." "I would," Hannah spoke up. "I'd tell a patient no more broccoli ever." "It's a good thing you're not a doctor," Derek laughed. "But I'm going to be," Hannah nodded. "I'm going to be a doctor and a ballerina." "I know," Derek nodded. "The best at both." "Yep," Hannah grinned, stabbing her last piece of broccoli and putting it in her mouth. "Okay, done. Now we can give Mom her present?" "Are you done, Mer?" "Yes," Meredith nodded, her eyes darting to the floor as she tried to figure out how to clean up the broccoli at her feet. "Mer...." "What?" "I'm not going to make you eat the broccoli at your feet. You might as well clean it up so Hannah can give you your gift." "And Daddy too," Hannah nodded, jumping off her chair to carry her plate to the sink before disappearing into the other room. "Mer...you're going to teach Hannah bad habit," Derek sighed. "I don't do it all the time," Meredith sighed, ducking underneath the table to pick up the pieces of broccoli. "You don't have to do it all the time for her to learn." "I know," she sighed, crawling out and throwing the broccoli in the trash before turning to him. "Sorry," she murmured, kissing him gently as she sat on his lap. "You're forgiven," he rolled his eyes. "Like usual." "It's my birthday, you have to forgive me," she giggled, looping her arms around his neck and kissing him again. "Hmmm..." he murmured. "It is." "What'd you get me?" she whispered against his lips. "Seriously?" "What?" she giggled. "You have no patience." "At least give me a hint." "No.' "Presents!" Hannah exclaimed as she walked back into the room, a couple brightly wrapped packages in her arms, as well as a couple of envelopes. "Wow!" Meredith smiled. "So many." "Daddy got you one," Hannah nodded, pushing her chair closer to them. "I got you two. Well, I got you one and I made one cause I told Mrs. Garrison it was my mom's birthday and she told me I should make you something." "You made me something?" "Yeah," Hannah nodded, reaching into her jeans and pulling out a small bundle of papers wrapped with a ribbon. "It's a coupon book. Mrs. Garrison says anytime you want me to do something you have to pick a coupon and tell me to do it and I have to do it, no complaining." "Oh, I like this," Meredith grinned. "Really?" Hannah grinned. "Definitely." "Can I have one?" Derek grinned, flipping through the "coupons". "So I can make you do things?" Meredith raised an eyebrow at him. "I meant for me to use with Hannah," he rolled his eyes and then leaned forward to whisper in her ear. "But we can talk about making me do things later." "Oh we will," she murmured, giggling softly. "And yes, you can have a coupon." "So you like it, Mom?" Hannah asked excitedly. "I love it, Han." "Good," Hannah grinned, pushing another package forward. "And that's the one I got when I went with Daddy." "Okay," Meredith nodded, grabbing for it to unwrap it quickly. "And I helped Daddy pick your present," Hannah grinned as Meredith opened the box. "You did?" Meredith asked. "Doesn't she always?" Derek laughed as Meredith held up a silver picture frame with a picture of her and Hannah at Hannah's last ballet recital. "Oh Hannah, it's perfect," Meredith breathed. "I was gonna get something else," Hannah sighed, biting her lip. "And it took me ages to pick." "It's entirely perfect," Meredith nodded, reaching out to hug her daughter. "Good," Hannah smiled, hugging her tightly. "Love you, Han." "Love you too, Mom." "Daddy...what did you get me?" Meredith grinned. "Open it," he rolled his eyes. "Doing so," Meredith rolled her eyes in return. "So impatient," he laughed, kissing her quickly. "I am," she giggled as she tore off the paper. "Nana says patience is a..." Hannah frowned. "It's something really good." "Virtue," Derek filled in. "Right," Hannah nodded. "Virtue." "Exactly," Derek nodded. "Mer...you're missing a virtue." "If Hannah weren't here, I'd tell you what to do with your virtue," she rolled her eyes as she opened a jewelry box. "Oh, Der..." "Like it?" "It's amazing," she smiled, holding up the diamond tennis bracelet that matched the necklace she always wore. "Good," he smiled. "Thank you," she murmured, kissing him quickly. "You're welcome, love you." "Love you too," she breathed. "Happy Birthday, Mer." "Happy birthday, Mom," Hannah echoed. "Thanks guys," Meredith smiled. "Can we have cake now?" Hannah asked. "We can," Derek laughed. "Good," Hannah grinned, running to the fridge. "Daddy, I'm probably going to drop it." "She probably is," Derek laughed, kissing Meredith quickly. "Be right back." "Okay," Meredith sighed as she stood up to let him go to the kitchen with Hannah. She looked at the tennis bracelet and the picture frame from her daughter and couldn't help but give the world's most contented sigh. It was her birthday. It was her birthday and it was all incredibly perfect. Their life was perfect. She wasn't quite sure how it was possible, but the past eighteen months had been completely amazing. She kept waiting for the honeymoon to end, for her to one day crawl into bed and not find the urge to undress her husband and have her way with him. Or for Hannah to become more annoying than she was cute now that she was approaching the dreaded pre-teen years. She kept waiting and wondering when this sense of contentment was going to end. And it wasn't. It had to end. It had to. People always acted like married couples didn't have sex. They always talked about the stress of being married and the fights. Even Mark and Addison had started having small problems, though no one was entirely sure what they were about, just that both of them seemed entirely stressed all the time. But she and Derek and Hannah, they were entirely happy. There had been fights. Night spent with Hannah pouting in her room or Derek pouting in his office. There had definitely been fights. And there were times when it didn't feel this easy. But mostly, it was like tonight. That perfect family unit from every good Disney movie where everyone is getting along, everyone loves each other, everyone is happy. She had never expected this to be her life. But it was. It was her life. And she loved it. Cristina called her lame on a daily basis. Because apparently she hadn't stopped smiling. Not really anyway. Because even when there were fights, she was still stupid happy. And even if the fact that her husband and daughter were walking into the dining room with a cake singing happy birthday was entirely cheesy, she couldn't actually imagine her life being any different. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I finally got her to actually stay in bed," Derek sighed, walking into the bedroom hours later. "The third piece of cake was probably a bad idea," Meredith giggled. "It was your idea," he argued. "You allowed it." "How was I supposed to not allow it?" "Same way you wouldn't allow me to eat a fourth piece," she giggled as she closed the bedroom door. "I just don't want a fat wife," he laughed. "You're an ass," she rolled her eyes. "You love me." "I do," she breathed, kissing him deeply. "Hmmmm..." he murmured. "Have a good birthday?" "Very," she nodded. "Though I didn't know it was over." "Oh it's not," he laughed softly, pulling away to pull his sweater over his head. "What did you have in mind?" she laughed, pulling her own sweater off. "You in your birthday suit." "Okay that...seriously?" she frowned slightly as she unbuttoned her jeans. "Just get naked, Mer." "Bossy, bossy," she giggled, her jeans and panties coming off quickly before she quickly undid her bra. "You like it when I'm bossy," he smiled as he discarded of his own jeans. "Definitely," she nodded, throwing her bra to the floor. "Gorgeous," he breathed, his eyes roaming over her body. "You see it every day, Der," she rolled her eyes, stepping forward to kiss him deeply. "And I think it every day," he murmured against her lips. "Always will." "I'll get used to the cheesiness one day," she whispered, giggling as he picked her up and threw her gently onto the bed. "You'd think so," Derek laughed breathlessly as he climbed over her. "Since my husband is ridiculously cheesy," she smiled, her breathing becoming heavier as he started trailing kisses down the side of her neck. "Hmmm..." he murmured, his tongue flicking against her skin. "Most women like compliments." "Aren't you the one who says I'm not most women?" she breathed, gasping slightly as he sucked at the spot where her shoulders and neck met. "You definitely aren't," he whispered. "Then stop...stop complaining," she gasped when his hands moved to lightly tease her nipples. "Okay," he groaned, his mouth moving lower to take the place of one of his hands. "Der...Derek," she moaned. "Hmmm..." he breathed against her chest, flicking her erect nipple lightly with his tongue, before sucking it hard as his hands traveled along her stomach. Her hips moved up to meet his as she gasped his name, her own hands moving along his back, tickling him slightly with her fingernails before digging them into the skin of his lower back. "Please," she breathed. "Mer..." he groaned as he let go of her breasts and pulled himself back up, letting his mouth clash hard against her, their tongues tangling together as his one hand moved down lower between her legs. "Derek," she gasped quietly, trying to keep her voice down as he pushed a finger into her, another finger rubbing her clit slowly. "Derek...please," she begged as he pushed a third finger into her. "Meredith..." he groaned, moving the fingers in and out of her as his thumb gently stroke her clit. "Derek...Der...I," she bit her lip to keep back a scream as her body began to tremble against his fingers. "Mer..." he murmured. "Come for me, Mer." "I...god," she gasped, moving her hands to bring his lips down against hers again, kissing him hard as the orgasm washed over her. "That's my girl," he whispered, pulling his fingers out and positioning himself again, rocking into her as her body still trembled. His first thrust coincided with the wave of her orgasm and she put the back of her hand over her mouth to keep from screaming at the pleasure, her head spinning as he rocked in and out of her. "Der...fuck," she murmured from behind her hand as his blue eyes met her green ones. "Derek." "Mer..." he gasped as her body trembled hard underneath him as he moved slowly over her, keeping his movements controlled and gentle. "Oh god, oh god," she stammered, her hands moving back down to his lower back, pushing him into her as her hips bucked against his. "Oh god...Derek, please." "Oh fuck," he groaned, holding her tightly onto the bed as he picked up pace, pushing further into her, demanding more. They moved harder and faster against each other, her fingers digging into the delicate skin of his back, pushing him deeper and deeper into her as her body trembled with another orgasm, and then another, her head thrashing against the pillows. "Derek...Der..." "Mer...Mer..." he murmured, letting his body go, stopping any resemblance of controlling any movement as her wrapped his arms around her and let himself slam harder and faster into her. "Oh god, oh god," she panted, biting down on his shoulder as her head fell forward. "Derek...I can't...you...Der..." "Co...coming..." he gasped, pushing into her one last time. "Oh god," she gasped, falling back against the pillows as she struggled to catch her breath, squeezing her eyes shut as she tried to force the dizziness to dissipate. "Derek, oh...wow." "Wow," he echoed, collapsing on top of her. "Wow." "Oh," she breathed, holding him tightly. "Oh." "Hmmm..." he murmured, taking a few deep breaths. "I can't...my head," she giggled. "That good?" he laughed. "Yeah," she nodded, still panting. "Yeah." "Happy birthday, Mer." "Thank...thank you, Der," she murmured as he pulled her close to him, his hand splayed across her stomach. "I love you so much," he whispered. "I love you too," she breathed, knowing this would be ruined soon when they got up to get their pajamas on. But right now, right now this was perfect. Amazing. Completely...them. I could not ask for more than this time together I could not ask for more than this time with you Every prayer has been answered Every dream I have's come true Disclaimer: If we owned Grey�s Anatomy we�d be a little insulted we weren�t invited to Ellen�s wedding, even if it was tiny. But we�re happy for them. And McFelon got to be close to somewhere he�s used to�the courthouse. Okay�that was mean. Happy. We�re happy for them. Derek smiled to himself as he spooned some potatoes onto his wife's plate, listening to his sisters bicker about something or other. His wife of course was right in the middle of it, she had basically become a Shepherd sister. And she thought he was used to the word wife just because he didn't giggle every time he used it. She had no idea that he giggled in his head. He expected that to change. It had to change. A year and a half into marriage and he was pretty sure he wasn't supposed to giggle in his head anymore abou the word wife. But it hadn't. And he loved his wife. He loved the word, and he loved her. So he couldn't help but giggle at the word wife in his head. He just hoped it wasn't obvious that that's what he was doing. "Pass the peas," he mumured to her, pressing a light kiss on her cheek. "Oh," she giggled, reaching for the peas, turning to kiss him quickly. "Thank you," he smiled, pressing his forehead quickly to hers before spooning some peas onto his own plate. "No peas," she ordered him quietly, her hand moving to rest on his knee. "I figured," he rolled his eyes, putting the peas back on his table and covering her hand with one of his own. "Don't roll your eyes at me," she giggled softly. "I kind of already did," he pointed out. "You're such an ass," she rolled her eyes, squeezing his knee. "Now who's rolling their eyes," he laughed as ran his hand gently up her arm. "I love you," she whispered, kissing him gently. "I love you too," he murmured against her lips. "Will you two just get a room already?" Mark groaned as he stabbed at his steak. "We would but I don't think Mom would be happy," Derek laughed. "Derek!" Meredith shook her head as she took her hand from his knee. "We're done, really. Full attention on dinner." "As if that ever happens for long," Sophie laughed. "Meredith and Derek have ADD whenever the other is around," Colleen giggled. "It's not ADD. I'm perfectly capable of concentrating on certain things," Derek smiled. "Yeah, her," Mark sighed. "What's your problem?" Derek asked his brother. "Nothing," Mark growled. "You sure?" "No, I'm saying nothing for shits and giggles," Mark stabbed his fork into his mashed potatoes. "Nothing is my problem. Because it's not my problem." Derek frowned quickly to Meredith before looking at Mark again. "Want to go out for drinks tonight?" "Might be a good idea," Mark shrugged. "It could help with things that aren't my problem." "Mark, could you please not start something?" Addison asked, rubbing at her temple. "I'm not starting anything," he snapped, throwing down his fork. "Why the hell is it always me starting something? I'm not four, Addison." "Really? Because you sure act like it sometimes," Addison rolled her eyes. "And you act like a bitch," Mark mumbled under his breath. "Not that that's my problem either." "Well it's not my problem you want to be all immature about it," Addison groaned. "None of this is my problem," "Of course it's not. Because you're perfect Addison Forbes Montgomery." "And you're ever so manly Mark Jeremy Sloan." "Uh, guys," Kathleen frowned, "is everything okay?" "Everything is fine," Addison fake smiled. "Oh yeah, great," Mark rolled his eyes. "We're like Shep and Meredith." "What's going on?" Colleen asked gently. "Nothing," Addison shook her head. "Mark's acting four. Nothing is going on. We're fine." "You're obviously not," Derek frowned. "Whatever it is," Mrs. Shepherd cut in, "you have the support of the family. Whether or not you ask for it or not." "Yeah, Mom, we know," Mark sighed. "It's nothing," Addison murmured. "It's obviously something," Kathleen sighed. "It's nothing on my end," Mark said firmly. "Well it's nothing on my end either," Addison groaned. "Of course not," Mark rolled his eyes. "Just drop it, everyone. It's not going to get anywhere until someone realizes they're not perfect." "The chicken's good, Mom," Derek smiled before Addison could say anything else. "Really good," Meredith nodded quickly, her hand grabbing Derek's. "And the mashed potatoes are perfect." "Thank you," Mrs. Shepherd smiled warmly at them. "The peas are great too," Derek smirked. "Not that Meredith would actually know." "Derek!" Meredith hissed. "Hush on the no peas thing." "Why?" he laughed, squeezing her hand. "I think the family knows by now that you have aversion to being healthy." "I'm healthy," she protested. "Not everyone can be a health nut like you, Der," Sophie laughed. "I'm not a health nut," Derek laughed. "He made me eat broccoli," Meredith groaned. "On my birthday." "I made Hannah eat broccoli on your birthday," Derek corrected. "I just made you set a good example. Besides the floor and Eskimo ate most of yours." "Oh, nice, Mer," Colleen laughed. "She's ever so mature," Derek rolled his eyes, squeezing her hand tightly. "You married me," Meredith laughed. "Apparently I did," Derek smiled, looking at the ring on her finger. "Apparently?" she raised an eyebrow. "Are you suffering from marital amnesia? Two weeks in Jamaica completely gone? Months of crazy stress?" "Oh I'll never forget those two weeks in Jamaica," he winked. "Dirty," she giggled. ""Yes, some parts were quite dirty," he laughed. "And now we are going into that area of Derek and Meredith's lives no one wants to know about," Nancy shook her head. "But they always manage to bring up the second Hannah is out of earshot," Kathleen sighed. "I think I know more about their honeymoon than they do," Sophie winced. "Oh no," Derek shook his head. "We left out some of the best parts." "And we're going to keep leaving them out," Meredith said quickly, leaning into him. "Of course," Derek laughed, wrapping an arm around her. "Of course, he only apparently married me so maybe we only apparently went to Jamaica," she giggled. "I married you, you goof." "That's good to know," she laughed. "I was wondering what these rings were for." "They say you're mine forever and ever and ever," he murmured. "And one more day after that," she whispered, her lips brushing against his. "Hmm..." he breathed. "One more day." "Asking for another would be wrong, right?" she breathed and then frowned. "God, I sound like you. No wonder Cristina doesn't want to be around me anymore." "I knew I'd rub off on you eventually," Derek smiled. "Vaguely dirty," Meredith giggled. "Your mind is in the gutter, Mer." "Isn't that supposed to end at some point?" Kathleen asked. "I can't remember the last time Ethan and I were like this." "It's definitely supposed to end," Colleen nodded. "How long have you two been married now?" Nancy asked. "Two years?" "Eighteen months," Derek smiled widely. "It definitely has to end soon," Nancy nodded. "I hope not," Derek sighed. "It does, man," Mark groaned. "Completely ends. And then you're just left with..." "If you even think of finishing that sentence you're sleeping on their couch tonight," Addison warned. "Because that would solve everything, right?" Mark turned to her. "It would make my life easier for a night." "Fine," Mark nodded. "And then you're left with a bitch of a wife, Shep, who blames everything on you." "Meredith, my asshole of a husband will be sleeping on the couch at your house tonight," Addison sighed. "Um...okay," Meredith sighed, biting her lip as Derek squeezed her hand. "Are you sure you guys don't want to talk about this?" Kathleen asked. "We don't need a shrink, Kathleen," Mark rolled his eyes. "We're fine." "Maybe not a shrink but you could use your family," Mrs. Shepherd sighed. "Mom, it's nothing," Mark groaned. "We had a fight. It happens." "If you're sure. But if either of you want to talk, you know where to find me," Mrs. Shepherd nodded. "Thank you, Mom," Addison nodded. "But it really is nothing." "Sure seems like nothing," Derek sighed. "Derek," Meredith murmured, shaking her head slightly. "Sorry," he murmured to Meredith. "So...umm...." "Daddy," Hannah came to the room, saving everyone from awkward conversation, "what's for dessert?" "I don't know, you have to ask Grandma," Derek sighed. "Nana," Hannah turned to her grandma, "we're finished eating. What's for dessert?" "Chocolate cake," Mrs. Shepherd smiled. "My favorite," Hannah grinned. "Mom's too." "I know it is," Mrs. Shepherd nodded. "Hey, Hannah Banana," Mark grinned, "guess who's spending the night tonight?" "Who?" Hannah frowned. "Your favorite uncle Monkey." "Really?" Hannah grinned widely. "Why?" "Thought I'd come and see my favorite girl," Mark shrugged. "So what do you say? Donuts for breakfast?" "Yes," Hannah nodded quickly. "We never get donuts for breakfast no more." "That's because your dad is a loser," Mark nodded. "So donuts and what hair style am I doing? I'm a little rusty, you know." "You are," Hannah nodded seriously. "But I'm still better than your mom, right?" Mark grinned, reaching forward and pulling on one of her pig tails. "Yes, but don't tell Mom I said that," Hannah whispered loudly. "Thanks, Han," Meredith rolled her eyes. "It's okay, I still love you," Derek laughed, kissing his wife quickly. "I love you too," she smiled against his lips. "And I love Han too. Don't know how she feels about me, though. Since I suck at pig tails and all." "You're better at it than I am," he shrugged. "Eskimo is better at it than you are, Shep," Mark laughed. "I'm not that bad," Derek groaned. "You're pretty bad, Daddy," Hannah giggled. "Thanks, Han. I'll remember this." "And use it against me later?" "Maybe." "That's mean, Daddy," she smiled as she walked back around the table to stand between Derek and Meredith's chairs. "It is?" Derek raised an eyebrow at her. "Yeah," she nodded. "You know what else is mean?" "What?" "Telling your one and only daddy that he's bad at doing your hair." "She was only telling the truth, Shep," Mark shrugged. "I swear I'm not that bad." "It's okay, Der," Meredith laughed, hugging Hannah close to her. "We love you anyway." "Good to know," he grinned. "Yeah, don't worry, Daddy, I love you," Hannah smiled widely. "I love you too, Hannah Banana," Derek smiled, leaning over to kiss her head. "Don't forget about Mom," Hannah wrapped her arms around Meredith's neck. "Oh...of course I love Mommy," Derek's smile widened as he kissed his wife quickly. "I love Daddy too," Meredith breathed. "Oh god, make it stop," Sophie groaned. "Now I get it," Mark groaned, turning to Addison. "You're torturing me. Send me to Shep's house and force me to watch that." "The thought hadn't entered my brain but now that you bring it up...it does work well." "Evil," he shook his head. "You know it," Addison nodded. "We're stopping, I promise," Meredith sighed. "Of course you are," Kathleen laughed. "No, we are," Meredith nodded. "We're going to act normal." "You'll last half an hour, tops," Sophie sighed. "I think your record is twenty minutes," Colleen laughed. "We can do normal," Derek frowned. "For the rest of the evening?" Sophie asked. "Yes," Derek nodded. "Definitely," Meredith smiled as Hannah took a sip of her water. "It's not going to happen," Kathleen shook her head. "It is," Meredith nodded. "Right, Der? Normal. We can do normal." "Very normal," he nodded. "Right," Kathleen nodded. "So how is everyone else doing?" "Things are good, hectic but good," Colleen nodded. Derek sighed as he sat back in his chair and listened to his sisters talk about their jobs and the kids, his mom jumping in occasionally while Meredith played with Hannah's pig tails. His family was happy, entirely happy. Except his brother. He knew Mark and Addison had been having some problems, but he had no idea what they were, or even why his brother looked completely miserable. He had tried to talk to him. Almost every day Derek had tracked him down at work and tried to get him to talk. All he got was what he had gotten tonight, that were no problems on his end and Mark never cared to explain exactly what that meant. But something was definitely up. Mark didn't do miserable. Mark was happy go lucky and didn't worry about things. Except now he was definitely worrying. They'd go out for drinks tonight and he'd try to get it out of his friend. Because this wasn't nothing. This was something and he didn't like the way they were reacting to it. Mark wasn't the type of guy to snap and call Addison names, but they both looked like they were on the edge about something. Somehow, he'd find a way to get Mark to talk. And a night away from each other might help "Meredith, you're looking at him," Nancy sighed. "What?" Meredith sighed. "You're looking at him. Five minutes and you already lost." "He's...I can't even look at him?" Meredith frowned. "You look at Peter." "Not like that, I don't," Nancy shook her head. "I love at Peter like he's my husband and I love him. You're looking at Derek like he's the eighth world wonder." "Derek is not the eighth world wonder," Meredith rolled her eyes. "Well I know that," Nancy laughed. "But you're looking at him like he is." "I am not," Meredith shook her head. "And don't put any ideas in his head." "Oh Mer, that ideas always been there," Derek laughed. "Still...we don't need to encourage it," Meredith smiled, leaning over to him. "You okay?" "Yeah...just...worried about Mark," Derek whispered. "I know," she murmured, squeezing his hand. "He refuses to talk about it." "Maybe he'll talk tonight. Or just get so drunk he forgets about it," she sighed. "Sorry...I'm making light." "No, it's okay," he shook his head. "Maybe him getting stupid drunk is good idea." "I'm sure he'll be fine, Der," she whispered. "I know," he nodded. "He's just not...I've never seen him like this." "You two couldn't even last five minutes," Sophie groaned. "Yeah, we couldn't," Derek sighed. "We're happy," Meredith smiled softly, squeezing his hand tightly. "What's wrong with that?" "Nothing," Mrs. Shepherd smiled. "It's wonderful." "If not entirely unrealistic for almost two years of marriage," Nancy shrugged. "We don't care," Derek shrugged. "You know we're teasing you guys, right?" Kathleen smiled widely. "You have a healthy marriage, that's good. We're all very happy for you." "I know," Derek sighed, hugging Meredith close to him. "We're happy too." "Definitely," Meredith breathed, resting her head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arm tighter around her and kissed the top of her head. His brother was entirely unhappy, his brother wasn't acting like his brother, but at least he had Meredith. And that thought alone made anything else seem completely bearable. I might need you to hold me tonight I might need you to say its alright Disclaimer: Our heads are all full. We're confused. And a little scared but only a little because well...full heads and all that. So much information that could go so many different way. Sigh. We wouldn't be feeling like this if we owned the show. Meredith fell back onto the bed as she waited for her husband to come upstairs. Mark was spending the night again and Derek had tried to get his friend to talk over fishing, but Mark was staying silent and instead pretended like it was completely normal for him to be spending the night on their couch. Which, over the past two weeks, it kind of had become completely normal. Something was going on in that house. She had no idea as to what but Addison and Mark certainly weren't the happy couple they had been at one point. She wasn't even sure if they were even talking or if they were just co-existing at best. And Derek was worried. It was actually pretty adorable how worried Derek was about his best friend. Or would be adorable if him worrying didn't make her worry. When he worried, he stressed out and didn't sleep and tried to save everyone. It was just what he did. And it was what he was doing now. Trying to figure out what the hell was going on in the Sloan household. It was getting to the point that the second Mark came over, he went straight to Hannah's room and avoided Derek all night. Which tempted Meredith to ask Hannah if she knew what was going on with her Uncle Monkey. "He's still not talking," Derek sighed as he walked into the room. "I figured," Meredith murmured, sitting up on the bed as she watched him open his dresser drawer for pajamas. "I have no idea what's going on. He never doesn't talk." "Has he dropped any hints or anything?" she sighed as she got up from the bed and moved towards their bathroom. "Not that I've noticed," he shook his head. "Just that whatever it is isn't his fault." "Addison said the same thing," she nodded, washing her face. "She said that no matter what Mark said to us, it wasn't her fault." "What does that even mean?" "I have no idea." "He can't live on the couch for the rest of his life," Derek sighed. "No, that would definitely be bad," Meredith giggled slightly as she reached for her birth control pills. "He has to talk eventually, right?" "Take him to see Rose the Stripper or something," Meredith giggled, filling a glass of water and then pausing as she stared at her pills. Week two. She was starting week two. Which seemed...that didn't seem right. That couldn't be right. She hadn't even... "Crap." "What?" "Nothing," she shook her head as she leaned against the counter, mentally trying to count back the past two weeks. Except everything was a blur. A total blur of surgeries and ballet practice and sex. Lots and lots of sex. "Crap. Crap." "Okay...that's something. What?" "It's probably nothing...just...did we have sex last week?" "Yes," Derek frowned. "We always have sex, Mer. A lot of sex." "What about two weeks ago?" she demanded. "Did you hit your head on something?" "Derek, I'm serious. This is...did we have sex two weeks ago?" "Yeah," he nodded. "Han slept over at what's her name's house so we had it on the kitchen table." "Crap," she groaned. "Crap. Crap. Crap." "No, Mer, sex on the kitchen table wasn't crap at all." "No," she shook her head, throwing her pills onto the bed. "I mean, yes, sex on the table was...but the point is. We had sex. We had sex every day for the past six weeks which is the last time I had my...and two weeks ago I was on the sugar pills or whatever and then...the point is we had sex, Derek. We had sex two weeks ago when I was supposed to be....we had sex. And I'm late." "You're...late?" "Late," she groaned. "Two weeks late. We had sex every day for the past six weeks and I'm...Derek, I'm late. Two weeks and I didn't even and we had sex. We had a lot of sex and I didn't...I'm late." "Late. Oh...crap." "Exactly," she sighed, falling onto the bed. "Late. And that's...crap. Derek, we didn't...and this...crap. Crap." "It's okay," he nodded, running his fingers through his hair. "It's...okay, crap. Crap. This is...bad. We didn't....crap." "You just sad it was okay. You just said...and it's not okay. It's not okay because we don't...because we're married and married people apparently don't use condoms which might have been a good idea because that week when I was supposed to be...I wasn't. I wasn't and I was on the sugar pills and we were having sex. Lots of sex. Sex on the table. Sex in the bedroom. It's not okay." "We don't...you might not be." "Or I might be." "Okay...we'll...go get a test," he sighed. "A test." "A test," she murmured. "We can....there are tests. We can test and we can see...because I might be." "But you might not be. Have you...nauseous or anything?" "No," she shook her head. "I haven't felt nauseous or anything. My breasts aren't sore or...no, nothing. But...I mean, I'm late. Some women...I'm late, Derek." "I know and late is bad. Really bad." "Really, really bad," she sighed, falling onto her back. "Crap." "I'll go get a test." "Now?" she murmured. "Well...we can wait till the morning if you want but if you want to sleep tonight...now might be good." "Yeah," she breathed. "Now. Now is good. Now is...if it's...now is good. Now is definitely...you should go now." "Going," he nodded. "Okay," she nodded. "Okay. Just...drug store. Test. Maybe two. Or three. I mean...that's what people do, right? Because of false positives or false negatives or...two or three. Or...okay." "I can get two or three," he nodded. "Good," she nodded, rolling onto her stomach. "Good." "I love you, Mer," he murmured, walking over to her side of the bed to kiss the top of her head gently. "I love you too," she whispered. "I just...later. We'll talk about it when...we need a test." "I know," he sighed. "I'll be right back. Mark's downstairs if you need anything." "I'm fine, Der," she shook her head. "No, you're not," he frowned. "But...I'll be back." "Okay," she murmured as he kissed her one more time and then left the room. Crap. This was...this was bad. Or maybe it was good. No, definitely bad. Well, bad for her. She wasn't sure how Derek felt about it. Except he had said crap too. But it might have been a crap like "oh crap, this wasn't planned" crap. Because Derek loved kids. She loved kids too. But that didn't mean this was good. They had never discussed this. She wasn't sure how they had dated for so long and then been married for so long and they had never even talked about this. She had no idea what Derek thought of this, if Derek wanted to have children with her. It had never even occurred to her to ask. Not that she did. Or maybe she had. She never considered it, she had never thought of it. She vaguely remembered him mentioning something about being good with Hannah. Vaguely. Of course, that had been a long time ago. When they weren't married. And now they were. Now they were married and they had Hannah. Which worked for her. She loved Hannah. She was happy with just having Hannah. She had just never once thought to ask him if he was good with just having Hannah. And now they should probably talk about it, or they'd be forced to talk about it. Because her period was late or it hadn't come. She had gone through her week of sugar pills and hadn't even noticed that it didn't come. Work, Hannah, Mark and Derek had distracted her and somehow she had missed it. And now she might be pregnant. Which be really...something. She didn't even know. She was leaning more towards bad. Because of work. And Hannah and Mark and Derek. Because she was a resident and residents who got pregnant were mommy tracked. They were mommy tracked and there were silent suggestions about transferring to easier specialties. And the thing was, she really was good with Hannah. She wasn't one of those women who really wanted a baby. So definitely a no. She just wasn't sure Derek was a no. Because Derek loved kids, he loved being around all their nieces and nephews. He adored children. And he seemed happy with just Hannah. He never said a word to her about it, he never acted like he wanted more. It was just the three of them and it seemed to be working, or well more than working. They were happy. But maybe he wanted this. Maybe he wanted another kid. He probably did. He probably would love to have a baby. And yeah, he had said crap because it was unplanned. Because they hadn't actually ever talked about this, which was stupid. And now if she was pregnant, they'd have to talk about it. They'd have to talk about this and decide what to do. Because this was huge. "Okay...I got five, five is good right?" Derek asked as he walked back in. "Five is...five is good," she breathed, running her hand over her completely flat stomach. "It will be okay. Whatever it is...it will be okay. We'll be okay." "We'll be okay," she murmured as she grabbed the plastic bag from him and went into the bathroom. "I'm right here," Derek sighed, standing outside the bathroom door. "I know you are," she called back. This was bad. Completely bad. Really and completely bad. "Don't panic." "I'm not panicking." "Mer...talking to me. I know you're panicking." She looked at her watch as she walked out of the bathroom. "Three minutes," she groaned. "And I'm not...I am but...aren't you? I mean, Derek, I don't...I know we never talked about this." "No we haven't," Derek sighed. "Now might be a good time to do that." "Since it might be too late or whatever," she shook her head. "Okay, talking. We can talk about this and figure it out and...we can talk about this." "We can," he nodded, grabbing her hand and leading her back to the bed. "Okay," she murmured, falling onto the bed, her hand still tightly in his. "Talking." "Do you....I mean....if...do you want a baby?" "I...do you?" "I don't...I haven't even thought of it. How have I not thought of that?" "I don't know," she sighed. "Derek...I...I'm a resident." "I know you are," he nodded. "It's...really hard to be a resident and a parent." "You did it." "And I wouldn't wish it on people. Hannah was...I don't regret it but it wasn't easy at all." "Okay," she murmured. "Well...I'm a resident. And a baby...I'm good with Hannah. I am. I don't think...do you want a baby?" "I don't....I honestly have no idea. I...love kids but...I love this life." "Me too," she sighed. "I mean...baby...us...I just...I really love my life," he sighed. "I know," she squeezed his hand. "Derek...how...we're married. We're married and we haven't...don't people talk about this/" "They do," he nodded. "I have no idea how we didn't." "And now we're..." she looked at her watch. "Now we're here." "Now we're here. I don't know what to do, Mer." "Me neither," she murmured. "We'll figure this out or...together." "Or?" she breathed. "I don't know, Mer. I don't know what I want." "Okay," she nodded slowly. "I love you." "I love you too." "That's all that matters," he nodded. "Derek...I don't...I don't think I want a baby," she whispered quietly. "You don't?" "I..." she sighed as she looked at her watch again, getting off the bed and moving towards the bathroom to stare at the five tests waiting for her. "And?" "Thank god," she breathed and then started giggling. "Thank...I'm just late. I'm just...the stress or whatever. That's...thank God." "You're not pregnant?" "I'm not pregnant," she smiled. "Oh thank god," he sighed, pulling her into his arms. "You're happy?" she smiled as she hugged him tightly. "I mean you...you're happy?" "Yeah," he sighed. "Yeah...that was...I didn't want it. Which makes me a horrible person but I didn't want you to be pregnant." "Okay," she breathed. "You didn't want it now. That's...good." "It's...you're okay, right? You didn't..." "I didn't want it, Derek," she nodded. "I definitely...I didn't want a baby. Or a pregnancy or...I'm great." "Good, that's good," he smiled. "But should we...I mean, should we...we should talk about this or whatever, right?" "Probably," he sighed. "But...not tonight." "Not tonight?" "I...that was intense, Mer and i think I might have had a heart attack so no, not tonight." "You were completely...I mean, you didn't freak out," she sighed. "You were okay. You were completely okay and now you're saying...bed. We should go to bed." "How long have we been together, Mer? I never freak out out loud. Strong and manly and all that." "Right," she giggled slightly as she fell into their bed. "Tonight I just want to be happy that you're not pregnant." "I just want to forget it ever happened." "That would be a good idea," he sighed. "Should we be concerned that you're late?" "I...it's probably just stress. With work and everything...probably just stress." "Okay," he nodded slowly. "Just...is that normal?" "Yeah," she nodded. "Sometimes...I mean, if I don't get it in two weeks then...then we should worry. But it's normal. It happens." "Okay," he sighed. "Just making sure."\ "You're worried?" she murmured as he pulled her into his arms. "Yeah, Mer, of course I am." "I'm okay, Derek. A little freaked out but...I'm okay." "Yeah, me too," he sighed. "You're freaked out?" she whispered, turning in his arms. "A little...yeah." "Good. Me too. Completely...I just want to go to bed, Derek." "So do I," he smiled. "We can wake up in the morning and forget this ever happened." "That sounds good," she smiled widely. "Just...but we should talk about it. At one point." "Yeah, we will," he nodded. "I love you," she murmured, reaching down to grasp his hand tightly. "I love you too," he breathed. "Good night, Derek." "Night, Mer." She cuddled close to him, taking in a deep breath. She wasn't pregnant. She wasn't pregnant and that was good. It was definitely good. She couldn't believe how much better she felt. Except they hadn't talked about it. And she still wasn't sure what Derek wanted. He didn't want a baby now. He hadn't wanted her to have a baby now. But he could still want a baby. Sometime. In the future. And she wasn't exactly sure what she wanted. When her residency was over, when everything was calmer in her life it might be something they would actually need to discuss, come up with a plan and what they wanted. Because she had never wanted to be a mom, except for she now was one. But a baby would be different and she just didn't know. I'm walking the edge, walking the tightest rope We can be frank, reality rips on through, rolling like a hurricane Disclaimer: If all the rumors are true the people who own Grey's Anatomy kind of suck for leaving us hanging where we're apparently going to be hanging. We get the plot but 9 months left hanging on that plot...not cool. If we owned the show...we wouldn't leave you hanging like that. Derek stared at his sleeping wife's hair and bit back a loud sigh. He hadn't actually slept all that much the night before, off and on in spurts that made the night entirely too long. But the scare had kept him up. She could have been pregnant. She was two weeks late and even though she wasn't, it could have easily gone the other way. It was a possibility he had never even thought to consider. He didn't know why he had never thought about the possibility of her getting pregnant. They had sex daily, sometimes more than once. But she was on the pill, and that had always been enough for him. The fact that she was protected had always been enough to force his mind away from the idea of her getting pregnant. Except she had almost been pregnant. And it had terrified him. He had never considered having another child. After Hannah he had stopped even thinking of finding another woman for his life and Meredith had been a complete surprise. And he had never thought about how that had changed. He had his family. He had his amazing wife and his wonderful daughter and he was happy. He had spent the last couple of years figuring this is what a full life felt like. He was finally at the point in his life where everything was settling down. Hannah was ten and getting to that age where she was independent and didn't actually need them to be there for her every morning. Which led to great and amazing morn



oncetherewasaway	Dec 4 2007, 08:41 PM Post #2
McEditor Posts: 1,625 Group: .Grey Girls. Member #23 Joined: October 25, 2006	Derek smiled and turned to head downstairs. They could definitely talk later. He should probably take some time to think before they talked and she probably needed it too. Thinking would come first and then they would worry about the big important talk. That they should have had ages ago. Most couples had it early on and here they were having it when it had nearly been too late. It wasn't that he didn't want kids. Having kids with Meredith would be...he was guessing it would be amazing. Really and completely amazing. He was just entirely sure he was done with that part of his life. He wanted his own life now. He wanted a life with Meredith. He wanted to grow old with her. He wanted to take off randomly to wine country. He could do that with her now. And there was Hannah. Hannah adored being the only child, she adored having her mommy and daddy, having long forgotten a time in her life when Meredith was anything but her mommy. Hannah was happy and well adjusted and finally really getting a great life. She didn't need a sibling, he wasn't even sure she would want a sibling. It would change everything in their family unit. "Daddy!" his daughter came running up to him as he descended the final steps, thankful for the interruption. He didn't even need to be thinking about this right now. "Hannah! Is that chocolate I see on your face?" he asked. "Um...no," she shook her head quickly, running her pajama sleeve across her face. "And now you have chocolate on your pajamas." "Sorry, Daddy," she giggled. "Uncle Monkey let me have two donuts." "Of course he did," Derek rolled his eyes. "Mom sent me down to make sure you didn't get too much sugar." "I think too much is three donuts and I only had two," Hannah grinned. "And I saved Mom one." "Good," Derek grinned. "She'll be down in a few minutes." "That's good," Hannah sighed. "Because I had to hide it from Uncle Monkey." "Was Uncle Monkey trying to eat all the donuts again?" "No," Mark frowned as he came into the hallway carrying a cup of coffee. "Hannah Banana was the one trying to hog all the donuts. I saved her from a death of sugar overload." "Oh but she would enjoy going that way," Derek laughed. "If you want me to kill your kid with donuts, I can do that," Mark smirked. "Thanks for the offer but I'll keep her around," Derek sighed. "Come back to me in three years." "What happens in three years?" Hannah asked. "You'll be a teenager," Derek frowned. "What's a teenager?" "It's what comes between being a kid and an adult." "And it means your dad will have to buy a gun or something," Mark sighed. "Hell, I'll buy one too." "Why a gun?" Hannah frowned. "It's something we'll talk about when you're older, Han," Derek shook his head, frowning at Mark. "Why don't you go get dressed?" "Okay," Hannah nodded. "Tell Mom her donut is in the cupboard with the glasses." "That's where the last chocolate one with sprinkles went?" Mark frowned. "Maybe," Hannah giggled before running up the stairs. "She's sneaky," Mark shook his head. "You taught her well," Derek shrugged. "You make a good point," Mark laughed before running his hand over his face. "You ever going to tell me what's going on?" "No idea what you're talking about, Shep." "You live on my couch." "Every once in a while." "Almost every night." "Still not seeing the problem here," Mark groaned as he turned to go back towards the kitchen. "I'm your best friend, we're supposed to talk about things or something." "Marriage has turned you soft, man." "You're not avoiding this talk by starting some stupid fight." "Fine," Mark turned to him. "You tell me why you look like shit and I'll tell you all about how fucked up my life is." "Didn't sleep much last night," Derek shrugged. "Yeah, and not in a good way either." "Definitely not in a good way," Derek sighed. "Good to know my marriage isn't the only one going to shit," Mark sighed. "My marriage is definitely not going to shit," Derek frowned. "Mark, what's going on?" "Hey guys," Meredith sighed as she came down the stairs, her wet hair pulled back in a ponytail, a garbage bag in her hands. "Hey Mer," Derek grinned. "Donut in the cupboard with the glasses." "Yeah, Han told me," she smiled slightly. "Coffee?" "Please," Derek groaned. "Yeah," she breathed, moving into the kitchen and throwing her smaller garbage bag into the trash can. "Definitely need coffee. Lots of coffee." "Here," he smiled as he poured her a cup. "You okay?" "I'm good, Der," she nodded, taking the coffee gratefully. "Are you...I mean, we're...but you're good, right?" "I'm good," he nodded, kissing her quickly. "Tired?" she asked as she moved to grab the hidden donut. "Definitely," he sighed. "You?" "Exhausted. Coffee will be amazing today. Lots of coffee and maybe naps in on call rooms." "Use the couch in my office." "I'm fine taking a nap in an on call room, Derek," she rolled her eyes. "But I like having you in my office." "And I like taking naps. And if I'm in your office, there won't be any naps. There'll be...well, there'll be things other than naps." "I'd let you sleep." "I have a hard time believing that." "I will." "Even I have a hard time believing that, Shep," Mark chuckled. "Wonderful," Derek rolled his eyes. "I have self control." "Of course you do," Meredith giggled. "I do," he protested. "Hmmm hmm," she nodded. "I do." "Okay, Der." "You don't believe me," he sighed. "I didn't say that," she smiled. "No, you didn't," he shook his head. "You used your patronizing whatever you say Der voice." "It's okay if you don't have self control, Derek," she murmured, brushing against him to put her coffee cup in the sink. "Will you come sleep in my office?" "Maybe." "You will." "Maybe." "You will," he murmured, leaning over to kiss her gently. "Really?" she breathed against his lips, her hands moving to his hair. "Definitely." "You two are disgusting," Mark groaned. "We'll stop being disgusting if you tell me what the hell is going on," Derek offered. "Nothing is going on, Shep," Mark growled. "And no matter what she says, it's nothing on my end." "What does that mean?" Meredith asked. "It means nothing is going on." "Something is definitely going on," Derek sighed. "Drop it, Shepherd," Mark ordered. "I'm just worried about you, Mark." "Nothing to worry about." "You're living on my couch. That's something to worry about." "So I'll stop living on your couch," Mark shrugged and then turned towards the stairs. "Hannah Banana, bring down your hairbrush!" "You don't have to stop living on our couch," Derek sighed. "There's nothing to worry about. Addison and I are...we're fine," Mark said firmly. "And don't give me that shit about how fine doesn't mean fine. That's your wife's thing." "I won't," Derek nodded. "But fine doesn't mean sleeping on my couch." "Mark, we're just...I mean, we're worried," Meredith sighed. "You and Addie were good. You were cute and married and happy and talking about...you were happy. And now you're living on our couch and...we're worried. That's it. Because you were happy and now you're not. You're not happy which is...and you can talk. To Derek or me or..and you can talk." "Exactly what she said," Derek nodded, watching his friend carefully. "There's nothing to talk about," Mark said after a moment. "Fine," Derek sighed. "But when there is...you can talk to either of us." "Here, Uncle Monkey," Hannah said as she ran down the stairs, her face now clean and her hairbrush in her hand. "Why thank you, Hannah Banana," Mark smiled at her. "Sit down and we'll figure out your hair." "I think a braid today," Hannah reported. "Jenny said last night on the phone that she was going to do a braid and if I do a braid then we'll match and she's my best friend at school." "Braid it is," Mark nodded. "Did you find your donut, Mom?" Hannah asked as Mark stood behind her and moved the brush through her curls "I did," Meredith grinned. "Thanks, Han." "I had to hide it from Uncle Monkey," Hannah giggled. "You did very good," Meredith nodded. "So, Han, what do you say if I take you to school this morning?" Mark grinned, pulling her hair back. "Really?" Hannah grinned. "Really," Mark nodded. "I probably have better music than your dad." "Probably," Hannah giggled. "Daddy, can Uncle Monkey take me to school?" "Of course he can," Derek smiled. "Gives us a little extra time." "Cool," Hannah smiled. "Well if Uncle Monkey is taking you to school, then I'm going to go upstairs and finish getting ready," Meredith sighed. "You probably should too, Der." "I should," Derek nodded. "Han, be good for Uncle Monkey." "I'm always good for Uncle Monkey," Hannah giggled. "Of course you are," Derek laughed, kissing his daughter quickly. "I'll see you later, Han." "Bye, Daddy. Bye, Mom." "Love you, Han," Meredith smiled, kissing her quickly. "All right, Han," Mark said, putting the brush down. "We're all set. Let's go." "Okay," Hannah grinned, jumping out of her chair. "Bye!" "Bye," Meredith smiled as she turned and went back upstairs, Derek following closely behind her. "We actually have some time to kill," Derek sighed as he reached their bedroom. "We do," she sighed, falling onto the bed. "Bathroom's clean. I...I threw everything away.' "I figured that's what was in the bag," he nodded. "Okay," she breathed. "Okay." "Want to avoid it a bit longer?" "I...yes," she sighed. "Though we probably shouldn't. I mean, last night was...and we...we probably shouldn't avoid it but I'm good with avoiding it. Avoiding it means we don't have to think about it or say anything and if we say things...that could be bad. Really, really bad. So...avoiding it sounds good right now." "We'll talk about it soon," he nodded. "Soon is good." "We could have sex." "Seriously?" she raised an eyebrow. "Last night we...and now you...seriously?" "Mer...I'm not going to stop sleeping with you." "I know," she nodded. "I know. And I...I mean, sex is good. Sex is great and I don't want to...I like sex. With you. I'm not saying we stop having sex. That would be stupid and...but right now? Right now you want to have sex when last night...seriously?" "It might make us feel better," he shrugged. "Is there something wrong?" she asked quietly. "Because I'm...I'm fine." "We're both fine," he nodded. "And the second we're alone we're a little awkward. Sex might help." "We're not awkward." "We aren't?" "Maybe...only a little," she sighed. "But we're us. Awkward...we can't be awkward, Derek. Last night was...we're forgetting last night. But we can't be awkward." "We're us," he nodded, laying down beside her. "I don't think we'll ever be anything but us." "Us can't be awkward," she murmured, turning and wrapping her legs around his as she rested her head on his chest. "I think we have to be a little awkward after last night," he sighed, wrapping his arm around her. "But it will pass." "Good," she breathed. "Because I don't...as long as we don't...Mark and Addie." "God no," he shook his head quickly. "We'll never be like that." "Definitely not." "If you told me to go sleep on someone else's couch I wouldn't even listen." "I don't want you on someone else's couch." "Good," he smiled. "We're okay." "We're okay," she murmured, pressing a kiss to his lips. "Perfect, really," he grinned against her lips. Perfect," she smiled widely. "But, Der, at some point...I mean, we can't avoid it forever." "I know," he sighed. "But we're...I mean, we're avoiding it," she sighed. "Right now. Avoiding." "Which is fine," he nodded. "Next time...when Han goes to a friends for the night, we'll crack open a bottle of wine and talk about it." "Okay," she nodded. "That's...that's good. That's really good." "It is," he sighed. "We have a plan. That's not avoiding." "Exactly. It's...putting it off until a better time." "Exactly." "So that's good," she sighed. "And we have to get to work so talking about it now would be...it would be bad and stupid and...next time Hannah's at a friend's house. And Mark's at his own house. Then we'll...we'll talk." "We will," he nodded, squeezing her tightly. "And we'll still be us." "We'll still be us." "Forever and ever and ever." "And one more day." "And one more day," he echoed. "I love you, Derek." "I love you too, Meredith." It's easy to get lost in fear But maybe now the weight has lifted You're sailing through the air Disclaimer: The people that own Grey's Anatomy are silly. They seem to think that Rose is a nurse, capable of scrubbing in on surgeries. We all know she's a stripper with a rose tattoo on her inner thigh. Or she would be if we owned the show. Three weeks. It had been three weeks since she and Derek had sat in their bedroom waiting for five pregnancy tests. Three weeks. She couldn't believe it. She couldn't believe that had been almost a month ago. Couldn't believe that since then, they hadn't talked about it. At all. Not that there was anything to talk about. Well, there was. But not talking about it worked too. It was easier to ignore it. Work had been crazy recently. Insanely crazy and it felt like they were never actually home. Which kind of made the talking thing hard. And when they were home it seemed like Hannah or Mark were always there. A lot of Mark. Mark might as well be living with them and they still hadn't even talked about that. There had been no talking about anything. Just a lot of...crazy busy work. She hadn't even been home in two days at this point. She had barely seen him, except at work. And they couldn't just go into an on call room and talk about this. It was kind of a big deal. One of those big huge conversations that normal people used before getting married to decide if they wanted to be with somebody. So it was a conversation that couldn't just be had in ten minutes at the hospital. But they had to have it eventually, the nagging voice in the back of her mind that sounded a little like Susan and sometimes like his mom, kept telling her that. They needed to talk. Because she hadn't been pregnant this time, she had been lucky and had been fine. But she might not be lucky next time. She might get pregnant because they had a lot of sex and she didn't even know what he wanted. She didn't even know what she wanted. Hannah had been scary. But Hannah had had her dad. Hannah had already been her own person by the time she had gotten there. Hannah was...Hannah. A baby would be completely different. A baby wouldn't be like Hannah. And a baby could ruin all of this. And she loved all of this. And the fact was, she had never really wanted kids before Hannah. Hannah had been the exception. She hadn't even wanted Hannah but she was entirely impossible to say no to, especially when she came with her father. Hannah had been part of the deal, and Meredith loved the deal. And now they were married and Derek might want more. He wanted Hannah desperately. He loved being a father. He of course would want to have more babies. Which meant any conversation they could have about this would probably end badly. Because she didn't think she wanted babies. She didn't think she could be that mom. She loved being Hannah's mom. Being Hannah's mom was amazing but being the mom with a baby...she wasn't sure she wanted that. And she was only a resident. She worked for two days straight and didn't come home. That wouldn't be fair to a baby. This talk was going to be bad. And they couldn't actually avoid it any longer. Because she had just pulled up to their house and he was home. And Hannah was sleeping over at Jenny's house and Mark wasn't here. It was just the two of them. And this was supposed to be the time they were going to talk about it, this is what they had been waiting for and now her stomach was in a knot. She sighed as she got out of the car, locking it quickly and then moving as slowly as possible to the front door, wondering if she should bring it up. Because they couldn't avoid it. They couldn't. Even if it was going to be bad and terrible and there was going to be a lot of yelling...they couldn't avoid it. "Der?" she called out, her voice cracking as she walked into the house. "In the kitchen," he yelled back. Kitchen. He was in the kitchen. Probably making dinner or something equally Derek-y. Not that making dinner was a Derek-y thing only, everyone made dinner. Normal people all over the country were making dinner. But when he made dinner, it was Derek-y. Or she was just losing her mind. "Hey," she murmured. "Hey," he smiled, walking over and kissing her quickly. "What's for supper?" she asked, wrapping her arms around his waist. "Steak and potatoes," he sighed, leaning into her. "Oh, a grown up meal," she smiled. "A grown up meal," he grinned. "If you tell me there's alcohol involved, I'll marry you again." "Bottle is on the table, just needs opening," he laughed. "This is why I keep you around," she sighed, moving out of his arms. "Of course it is," he smiled. "So..." she bit her lip as she grabbed the bottle opener. She didn't want to bring this up. She really didn't. But...they couldn't avoid it anymore. They just couldn't. "We're alone," he sighed. "I know," she nodded. "Mark and Addison are talking again or whatever and...we're alone." "Which...we're supposed to..." "Talk," she murmured. "We're supposed to talk. About...about what happened. Three weeks ago." "We are," he nodded. "So do we...I mean, should we? Since we're alone and there's wine. We should probably talk. About the thing. And whether...we should talk." "We should," he sighed. "It's...we need to talk." "Yeah. We do." "How are we supposed to start this conversation?" "I have no idea," she giggled nervously. "I guess...I mean...I was almost pregnant. Or not almost but I could have been. I'm not, but I could have been and you were...you were happy about me not being pregnant and I was happy about me not being pregnant and you...I mean...things happened. Big things and we should make decisions." "We should definitely make decisions," he nodded. "We should have...this is a talk that usually comes before the rings." "I think it's a dealbreaker talk," Meredith murmured. "Mer...there's...we don't have a dealbreaker talk," he shrugged. "We're us. Forever and ever and ever." "And one more day," she smiled softly. "Exactly," he smiled softly. "But it's a talk, Der," she sighed. "It's a talk. It's a talk we probably should have had ages ago but we didn't and then I was almost pregnant and...it's a talk. It's a big huge talk." "I know," he nodded. "I know." "So..." "Yeah..." "Wine," she said quickly. "We need wine. Alcohol helps with big huge talks." "Definitely," he nodded. She poured them each a glass of wine, handing his over before taking a rather huge sip of hers. It was a talk. The talk. The talk they should have had ages ago but didn't and now he was probably going to tell her he wanted kids and there would be a fight and bad things would happen. So wine was completely necessary for this talk. "Okay. We have wine." "We do," he nodded, taking a sip from his glass. "Derek," she groaned. "You do the talking thing. Not me. You do it. So...talk. Do the Derek-y thing." "Okay..." he nodded slowly. "Umm....do you...I mean, kids, I know you didn't but Hannah...do you want them?" "I...I don't know," she lied. Which was probably stupid. But she couldn't tell him the truth. Not now. Definitely not now. Maybe when they were both drunk but...she couldn't. "Do you?" "I..I don't know either," he shook his head. "Okay," she murmured, staring into the red liquid in her glass. "So...we don't know." "No...we don't...we don't know." "We don't...okay." "So...do we..." "What if I had been?" she blurted out. "Oh," he frowned. "I don't...I don't know. We would have...we would have figured something out." "Figured something out," she said slowly. "Okay. We would have figured something out." "We'd be...we would have been okay." "I know. We're us. And we...I know we would have been okay. I know." "But it's good you're not. I mean...yeah, it's good." "It is good. I mean...that I'm not. That's good. Really good. Right now." "We're not...we haven't been married long and it's good," he nodded. "Exactly," she nodded slowly. "But um...later...I mean, do you...later would it be good? Or would it be bad again?" "I don't know," he sighed, running his hand through his hair. "More wine," Meredith murmured, pouring herself another glass. "Definitely more wine," he nodded. "So...we don't know," she breathed as she poured him another glass. "Should we know?" "Probably." "But we don't." "We definitely don't." "Which is..." "Probably not good." "Okay," she breathed. "Yeah," he sighed. "You...I mean, before Hannah, did you want...I mean, did you want a lot of kids or just..." "I wanted kids. I never really put a number on it...I guess I figured that was something I'd figure out when the time came." "But you wanted them." "I did. And then I had Hannah and now...I don't know." "I don't..." she chewed on her lip, staring at the glass. He was being honest. Or maybe he was just saying what she was saying so she wouldn't feel bad. But she should tell him. She should tell him she didn't really want a baby. She had Hannah. She was happy with Hannah. "You don't?" he asked gently. "I don't know." "So we both don't know." "Yeah." "Which is...what do we do?" "I don't know." "Neither do I." "Crap." "Crap." Meredith sighed as she drained the rest of her wine glass, surprised by how light headed she already felt. Lots of wine and the talk was going nowhere. Which was probably her fault. She should just tell him. Just tell him she didn't want kids and just be done with it. But then he would...she probably just needed more wine. "Okay. Now what?" "I don't know," he murmured. "We keep saying that." "I know," he sighed. "You said I know," she giggled, clapping her hand over her mouth. "Sorry. Giggling is probably not the...sorry." "Giggling is good," he smiled. "I love the giggle." "But probably not the best time to be giggling." "Maybe not but don't apologize. We giggle and laugh and smiled. We're us, Mer. Us in the middle of a big conversation but still...us." "Which is...good." "It is," he smiled softly. "But we still...we still don't know." "I know," he nodded. "We will...we'll figure this out, Mer. We will." "Except we don't know right now." "No, we don't." "Okay." "We'll...I don't know, Mer. I wish I did." "You're...Derek," she sighed. "I know, that was lame. I know. I just...it was lame." "Well I am glad you know my name," he laughed. "You know what I mean," she giggled. "That I'm the one that's supposed to know." "Yeah," she sighed, the smile collapsing back into a frown. "Oh Mer," he sighed, pulling her into his arms. "We're us. It will be okay." "You keep saying that, Der." "Because it's true." "I know," she murmured, cuddling into his chest. "I love you. I always will." "I love you too." "We will be fine. We're not ever going to become Mark and Addison." "Who are talking now by the way." "Yes, I hope it stays that way." "Me too," she sighed. "Him not being here...I know he's your best friend it's just...well...it was like having a weird room mate or...anyway, I hope it stays that way too." "Mer, I hated him being here," Derek laughed. "Oh, I don't know," she smiled slightly, "you loved watching the hockey games with him. And the fishing. You were like Hannah at Christmas." "Okay, there were parts I liked about having him here. Small tiny parts." "You probably miss him already." "No, of course not. I have my wife, a glass of wine, and a nice meal." "And Hannah is at Jenny's house." "She is," Derek grinned. "All night." "Hmmm," Meredith nodded, pouring a little more wine into her glass. "And this talk...is going nowhere." "Which is bad." "It is," he nodded. "Maybe we're...I mean, we both don't know...take some time to think or something." "We took three weeks, Der," she sighed. "I know," he sighed, running his hands up and down her arms. "I know." "But I mean...maybe...thinking," she nodded. "That might be a good idea. Just think and get...and we're not in a rush. I mean, I'm on the pill and...we don't know right now." "We don't," he nodded. "We have time." "We do. And it's not procrastinating or avoiding, it's...thinking." "Thinking. And in the mean time we could..." "What?" "We actually have our house to ourselves." "We do." "I feel like we should be doing something about this." "We probably should," she giggled. "I think so, yes," he laughed. "What did you have in mind?" she breathed as she leaned forward to kiss him. "You...naked," he smirked. "I was thinking you naked." "We can both be naked," he suggested. "I like that," she giggled, quickly pushing his sweater over his head. "Me too," he smiled, yanking at her shirt. "Good," she breathed as they both stood up to work at getting each other's jeans off. He picked her up and set her on the counter, pulling her jeans down and to the floor quickly and then working at his own, gasping when she reached forward to stroke his erection through the difficult denim. "Mer..." he groaned, kissing her hard, letting his tongue dance with hers as he discarded of his own jeans finally. She took him in his hands, stroking him gently as he moaned into her mouth. "Derek," she moaned as his own fingers slipped into her, timing the thrust of his fingers with her ministrations, which were steadily picking up pace as they pleasured each other. This was...she wasn't even sure what this is except she probably shouldn't be thinking. Or actually couldn't think when he was thrusting his fingers into her and his erection was throbbing in her hands. "Meredith..." he gasped, his hips starting to rock into her, pushing her hand faster over him, as he pushed his fingers deeper into her, letting his thumb play along her clit. She worked her hands over him, her pace quickening as his hips rocked and his body shook, her own body starting to tremble as his fingers thrust deeper and harder into her, her back arching against the counter. "Derek...Der...now," she ordered breathlessly. She gasped loudly, grasping his back as his hands moved around to the back of hips, pulling her off the counter and closer to him as his hips rocked against her. "Derek," she yelped at his hard and needy thrusts. "Mer...Mer..." he breathed, squeezing her ass in his hands as he moved harder against her, his lips finding hers again and pressing a bruising kiss against them. "Fuck!" she screamed. "Fuck...Derek...oh god." He moved faster into her, losing all sense of rhythm as he tightened his hold on her ass, her head falling to his shoulder, biting down hard on the skin as he pulled her hair, forcing her to raise her lips from his shoulder as he kissed her again. "Oh god," he groaned, pulling his head away again as he trembled against her, pushing harder and harder into her as his hands tangled in her hair, yanking hard at it as he pounded into her. She moved her legs around his waist, her heels digging into his ass, pushing him deeper into her as his hips rocked harder against her. "Derek...Derek..." she screamed as her back knocked against the counter, briefly registering pain before finding his lips again to bite down hard on them. "Fuck," he gasped, tasting blood on his lips as he pulled his mouth back slightly, kissing her hard again, his hands leaving her hair and going back to her ass, pulling her even closer to him. "I'm...shit...Derek!" she screamed as her body tensed around him, the orgasm sending her hips rocking into his as her legs tightened around his waist. "Oh god, Mer!" he shouted as his body rocked one more time, bucking into her as his orgasm washed over him. Another orgasm washed over her as his body collapsed against hers, his hands moving to her hips to pull her up and back onto the counter as he knelt his forehead against hers, their chests heaving against each other. "Oh...god..." she breathed. "Oh...wow....oh," he murmured. "I...oh..I.." she stammered, trying to breathe again. "Derek, I..." "That...just....oh.." he breathed, kissing her gently. "You're bleeding," she murmured. "Just a little," he shrugged. "Sorry," she breathed. "Don't be," he shook his head. "I liked it.' "Me too," she gasped, laughing slightly. "That was...still not breathing." "That was...amazing." "Yeah...amazing." "I love you." "I love you too." "Hmm..." he sighed, running his hand along her back. "You okay? I wasn't gentle." "I'll um...bruises," she giggled. "Definitely bruises. But it was...that was...wow." "It was," he nodded. "Are you...are you okay?" she murmured, staring at the bite mark on his shoulder and his bleeding lip. "Definitely," he nodded. "Just...remind me to keep my shirt on around everyone but you till that goes away." "Who are you taking your shirt off around?" "I'm just saying," he laughed. "Same here," she giggled. "Don't...if people see my back..." "Mark might be impressed." "By bruises?" "Yes," he nodded. "I did good." "People are going to think you beat me, Derek." "No one is going to think I beat you," Derek rolled his eyes. "Bruises on my back?" she raised an eyebrow and then kissed him. "But yeah...you did good." "We could go upstairs and do it again...gentler." "Gentler is good," she giggled. "Just...give me a minute." "Of course," he nodded. "And...we'll talk...later." "We will," he sighed. "Ow," she breathed as she moved off the counter. "Are you okay?" "Yeah," she nodded. "I'm good. Just...you weren't gentle." "I know...sorry." "Don't apologize," she shook her head. "It was...you were...amazing." "It really was," Derek nodded. "We should have the house to ourselves more." "We could give Hannah away." "You love Hannah." "I'm willing to forget about loving her for more of that." "You...you're joking." "Yeah, I'd be lost without the kid," he sighed. "Yeah," she sighed, bending down gingerly to pick up her clothes. "Are you sure you're okay?" "Der...seriously...I'm fine." "Okay," he nodded. "Maybe not sex right away." "Maybe not," she sighed. "We can...cuddle. Naked. "We haven't cuddled naked in...well...a long time." "I know," he nodded. "So definitely naked." "Definitely," she smiled, wrapping her arms around him. "Love you," he murmured, squeezing her tightly before picking her up. "Derek!" she giggled. "What?" "Nothing," she laughed. "I love you too though." "Good," he smiled. "Upstairs." "Upstairs," she nodded, wrapping her arms around his neck. "And naked cuddling." "Naked cuddling," she breathed, resting her head on his shoulder as he carried her upstairs. This was okay. They should be talking, she knew they definitely had to talk about this. But they had time. And this was so much better than talking. Talking might lead to fighting and she didn't want that. She didn't want to fight with him. She wanted this. She wanted the naked cuddling in bed which would probably lead to more sex. Talking could come later. They had time. Step, step right over the line And onto borrowed time Disclaimer: If we owned the show...you know that ambulance that flips next week? Of course you do. Well if you owned the show Rose would be standing around where it landed. Like...right where it landed. So it could land on her. Mean. But honest. Another week had passed and Derek was feeling quite certain they were becoming the world's worst couple. Not that they weren't happy. He was ecstatic to finally be home and see his wife, the love of his life. They were perfectly happy. They were still living in that newlywed bubble even though they were barely newlyweds. They just weren't bothering to communicate over certain big things. They communicated about everything else. They communicated about Hannah. They communicated about work. But when it came to the one thing he knew they should be talking about, they were silent. They never said a word to each other about it. If they did, it usually seemed to end in walking away or just sex. This wasn't the way to handle things. He knew that. They had to talk. They should have had this talk before they said I do. Except for around that time everything had felt like happiness and light and all that had mattered was the wedding part of it. He hadn't actually considered what it could mean for the future, what it was going to lead to. He hadn't even thought of this talk. And now it was time. They had to talk before something else happened. He just wasn't sure what to say to her. He wasn't even sure what to think about any of this. He loved his life. He completely loved his life, he couldn't imagine it being any different. When she had said she didn't want a baby four weeks ago, he had assumed she had meant at that moment. He had assumed she might want one at one point, or at least he might want a baby. Might. He wasn't sure. Which meant he wasn't sure exactly how to start this conversation. It was a big one and would change everything and for the first time since he had met her he had no idea how to actually talk to her. He didn't have an answer. He didn't even have an idea of what an answer might be. He was happy. They were happy. Their lives were possibly more perfect than he could have even imagined. But there was still this conversation. It was looming over them, it was constantly something just in the air. They were happy, they were okay, but it was out there. And he still wasn't sure what to say, or even what to think. Sometimes, the thought of having a baby seemed amazing. But most of the time, he couldn't imagine late nights and the crying. Not when everything was finally settling down. He had had Hannah. The second Hannah had entered his life he had figured that was it for him. And then Meredith had come along and everything had turned from great to perfect. And now he didn't know what he wanted next. He had never even thought about it. But this was good, this was great. A baby would change everything and as much as it would be amazing to share that with Meredith, he wasn't sure he wanted to. A baby was a lot of work, a lot of tears, a lot of exhausted and snappy moments. He didn't want his marriage to turn into that. He didn't want his marriage to turn into late nights crying in a corner and wondering why their baby was still screaming. Their lives were relatively stress-free. Work was insane, and there was nothing stress-free about raising a pre-teen, but their lives were calm right now. And he loved the calm. But they had to talk. Even if he had no idea what he wanted at this point, Meredith was his wife and his everything and not talking would just lead them to really bad places. They needed to figure this out together before it got to a point where it couldn't be figured out. He went inside and found a note from her saying she was out at the dock. The dock was generally good for talking. He put his briefcase down and went into the kitchen, pouring a cup of coffee before heading back outside and down to the docks where his wife was sitting, a blanket wrapped around her and a cup of coffee in her hands. "You're home," she said quietly as he sat down next to her. "I'm home," he smiled, leaning over to gently kiss her cheek. "Good," she breathed, leaning into him, opening the blanket for him. "Hmm," he breathed, moving closer to her to wrap the blanket around him, wrapping her in his arms. "What did you do tonight?" "I took Eskimo for a walk, which is incredibly boring," she giggled. "What did you do?" "Saved a life," he grinned. "Well you are a doctor," she teased gently. "Thanks for the reminder," he laughed softly. "It wasn't even a complicated procedure." "It's good you saved a life." "It is," he nodded. "Mark picked Hannah up from ballet," she murmured. "It's their date night or something." "Okay," he sighed. "Mark's been spending a lot of times with Han recently." "He has," she nodded. "I know he and Addison are...they're kind of talking. And he's back at his house but...he's been spending a lot of time with Hannah." "That's odd, right?" "Maybe. He just seems...maybe she knows something." "Interrogating our ten year old would be wrong, right?" "I think most people would say it's wrong." "So we shouldn't do it?" "Probably not." "What about bribing her with cookies?" "Der..." "Fine, be the good parents," he sighed, squeezing her tightly. "At least they're kind of talking. And he's living there again. That's a good sign, right?" "Yeah, it probably is," Derek nodded. "He still seems...off or something. But it's better." "They both seem off," she sighed. "I...I'm on OB for the next month and Addison's definitely...she's off." "Have you tried to get her to talk?" "She won't. She talks about professionalism and...she won't talk." "Professionalism? You're family." "I think...I think she just wants to avoid it. It's easier to avoid it. Easier to forget it's happening or might happen or...she just wants to avoid it." "We still need to talk." "We were talking about Addison and Mark," Meredith murmured, tensing slightly against him. "We should be talking about...that thing we haven't been talking about." "It's not a thing," Meredith shook her head. "It's whether or not we want a baby." "Yeah," Derek nodded slowly, holding her a little tighter. "Yeah." "So have you..." "I...thinking," she murmured. "I'm thinking. Are you..." "Thinking," he nodded. "So we..." "Are apparently still thinking." "And still don't know?" "And still don't know." "Oh," she breathed. "Do you...know?" "No," she shook her head quickly. "No. I don't...I don't know. Thinking. I'm still thinking." "Okay," he nodded, letting silence fall between them. He knew he should talk more. He knew he should probably tell her about his list of concerns and about how happy he was with what they had and how he didn't know if he wanted more. He should be talking to her. But she might want children, she might want them badly some day. She was an amazing mom and one day she might want one that was truly her own. So he didn't know what words to use. "This isn't good," she said suddenly, quietly. "No, it probably isn't," he agreed. "We...we do the talking thing. And now we...I mean, we're still thinking. So that's...are you...we do the talking thing." "I know we do. We're good at the talking thing. But this...I don't know how." "Me neither." "We're even good at talking about not talking," he laughed softly. "We are," she smiled slightly. "Just not about this. We...why didn't we talk about this...you know, before?" "All I cared about was getting down that aisle and promising you forever...this...it didn't even cross my mind." "I know," she sighed. "It didn't...so we're still thinking?" "I think so...yeah..." "Okay," Meredith nodded as a car pulled up to the house. "That would be Hannah," Derek sighed. "So we'll...later?" "Later." "I love you," he murmured, kissing her gently. "I love you too," she breathed against his lips. "Later," he nodded. "Daddy! Mom!" Hannah grinned, running towards them, Mark following closely behind her. "Hey Hannah!" Derek smiled. "Uncle Monkey bought me pizza," she exclaimed as she sat down on the dock next to Meredith, pulling the blanket open to cuddle. "He did?" Derek grinned, quickly looking up at Mark. "Thanks, Uncle Monkey." "No problem," Mark shrugged. "My best girl deserves the best." "She does," Derek nodded. "And what's a date without dinner and ice cream?" Mark chuckled, ruffling Hannah's hair. "A pretty bad one," Meredith giggled. "She's ten, Grey...Meredith," Mark frowned. "And we had fun, didn't we, Han?" "Lots and lots of fun," Hannah nodded quickly. "Exactly. She kicked my ass at Pacman. Again." "Of course she did," Derek laughed "You're kind of bad at Pacman, Uncle Monkey," Hannah smiled comfortingly. "Probably because you're getting kind of old." "I'm what?" Mark frowned. "You're getting old." "I'm not getting old." "Yeah, you are. You and Daddy are old," Hannah shrugged. "Everyone knows that. Jenny's mommy and daddy are old too." "I'm not old?" Meredith asked. "You're a little old." "I'm not old," Mark frowned. "Yeah you are," Hannah nodded. "When you're bigger than thirty, you're old. Thirty is really really old. "It is?" Derek asked. "Yep." "Well then," Derek sighed. "I guess we're all old. It's a good thing you're still young." "I am not old," Mark said firmly. "You, Shep, you are old. I am not old." "We're the same age," Derek pointed out. "Yes. But I am not old. I am...I am not old." "You're no spring chicken," Meredith giggled. "Old men don't have girls giggling over them," Mark smirked. "I walk into a place and there are girls who want me. I am not old." "You're almost entirely grey," Derek laughed. "It works for me," Mark shrugged. "Now if you want grey..." "I will look amazing when I go grey. Right, Mer?" "Completely amazing." "See?" Derek grinned. "Yeah, yeah, you're married to her. She has to say that." "Well...you have a point but still...I'll look good," Derek nodded. "I am not old," Mark muttered under his breath, turning to look at Hannah. "You know, Hannah Banana, you were a lot cuter when you couldn't talk." "That was a long time ago, Uncle Monkey," Hannah giggled. "Yeah, it was," he nodded. "But still...a lot cuter." "But you love me!" Hannah exclaimed. "Not when you call me old. I just bought you pizza and ice cream. When was the last time your old dad bought you pizza and ice cream?" "He doesn't buy me pizza and ice cream cept for special days," Hannah sighed. "Exactly," Mark sighed as his phone rang. "And now I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow, okay, Han?" "Okay, Uncle Monkey," Hannah nodded. "See you guys," Mark nodded, turning and moving back towards his car as he answered his phone. "Wonder what that was about," Derek sighed. "Probably Aunt Addie," Hannah shrugged. "Can I have coffee, Mom?" "You can have a sip," Meredith nodded. "Thank you," Hannah nodded, taking a small sip of Meredith's coffee. "So you had a good day with Uncle Monkey?" Derek asked. "Yeah," Hannah smiled. "We played Pacman and ate pizza. It was a lot of fun." "Good," Derek nodded. "Was he happy?" "Kind of," Hannah sighed. "He said he thought he was sick but he's not and now Aunt Addie might be sick." "What?" "But not really really sick," Hannah shrugged. "Just...sick. But he doesn't know if she's sick yet." "Did he say what kind of sick?" Meredith frowned. "No. Just the kind of sick that medicine doesn't help sometimes." "Oh..." Derek frowned. "That's...oh." "So he's really worried about Aunt Addie now and it's making him sad." "Okay," Derek nodded slowly, shooting a quick glance at Meredith. "That's...I have to talk to him." "Did he say anything else, Han?" Meredith murmured as she squeezed Derek's hand. "Nope," Hannah shook her head. "But he said she'd be okay. Or kind of okay. He kind of talked like you, Mom." "He rambled?" Meredith giggled slightly. "Yep," Hannah nodded. "Oh," Derek frowned. "Okay." "And then he stopped talking about it," Hannah shrugged. "Okay," Meredith sighed. "Do you have any homework, Hannah Banana?" "Yeah, math," Hannah sighed. "Well, you should probably get on that," Meredith nodded. "Daddy and I will be in soon to help you, okay?" "Okay," Hannah nodded, before getting up and walking toward the house "So..." Meredith murmured, squeezing Derek's hand. "That...I didn't expect that," Derek sighed. "Me neither," she shook her head. "What do you...I mean, sick...what do you think?" "I don't know," he frowned. "If it was something bad...he would have told me." "He thought he was sick too." "Which doesn't make any sense." "No, it doesn't. I mean, they weren't talking and he was living here and they...they've been having problems." "They have...and now...she's sick or something." "I'm sure it's nothing, Der," she whispered. "He would have told you. I mean...he said she would be okay. Or kind of okay or...he would have told you." "He would have," he nodded. "I'm his brother...he would have told me." "Have you...I mean, have you told him about us?" "About...the thing?" "Yeah...the thing or whatever." "No, I haven't." "I haven't told Lexie either. Or anyone. I just...I mean, we...we're keeping secrets and they're keeping secrets and...I don't think I have a point here." "I get what you're saying. I didn't tell him and he isn't telling me." "Yeah. But...I mean, maybe there's nothing to tell. I worked with Addison. She's...she's off but she seems fine. She doesn't seem sick or anything. Maybe there's nothing to tell." "He rambled to a ten year old, Mer." "And she might have misunderstood." "How can you misunderstand sick?" "I...I don't know," she sighed. "I don't know. I just...never mind." "What?" "You should talk to him. I know you should but maybe...maybe they don't know what to do yet. Or maybe she's not really sick or maybe...maybe they're just avoiding talking about it. Maybe he just needs time and...maybe it's nothing, Derek." "I hope it's nothing," Derek sighed. "I never thought he'd settle down and he did and now if she's...god, I hope it's nothing." "Derek, Hannah said Mark said Addie would be okay. We don't know if it's anything." "I know," he nodded, leaning into her. "Maybe it's nothing," she whispered. "Maybe there's nothing to talk about." "There's something." "Maybe there's not." "Mer...do you actually think that?" "I don't know." "I'm going to worry until I can get him to talk." "Good idea," she yawned slightly, leaning into him. "We should get in and help Hannah with math. Or she'll never actually do it." "Good point," he nodded, shifting out of her arms. "Come on." She stood up and gathered the blanket and her coffee cup as he slid his arm around her waist, pulling her close to him. "I love you, Der," she murmured, resting her head on his shoulder. "I love you too, Mer," he murmured. "Always." "Hmmm," she breathed before pulling out of his grasp and moving towards the house. Derek sighed as he followed closely behind her, trying to not freak out. Something was wrong with Addison. Meredith was trying to be positive and she was doing a pretty good job of it but still, something was definitely wrong. Mark wouldn't be talking if nothing was wrong. And now Derek was really worried. He had to get Mark to talk, he had to figure this one out. He knew he had more pressing issues to worry about. Their attempt at a talk had failed again, which was probably his fault. He needed to tell her the truth. Or what he knew of the truth. He just couldn't bring himself to say any of it. And right now, something was wrong with Addison, his best friend's wife. He and Meredith had time, they could worry about this later. But every road can hide a corner we can't see Disclaimer: You probably thought we were joking last time. But we feel the need to repeat the same message...if we owned the show Rose would be smushed under the rolling ambulance. Entirely smushed. And then Derek would say "She knew the exact number of surgeries of mine she was in on....creepy". Meredith was tired. And achy. But mostly just tired. In the past week, she had gone from kind of tired to just tired. Plain tired. It probably didn't help that she wasn't sleeping much either. She wanted to sleep, she needed to sleep, but sleeping was difficult when she was a busy resident and when her husband was worried sick about his best friend. But mostly sleep was impossible when she and Derek were avoiding the thing. It was kind of hard to sleep when you were avoiding a rather large elephant in the room. Even after sex, cuddled in his arms and feeling safe and content in his arms, it was impossible to fall asleep easily. His mind always seemed to be going a mile a minute which of course made her mind go a mile a minute. They had to talk, they had to figure out this issue once and for all. And Derek had to talk to Mark. He had tried. In the week since finding out that something might be wrong with Addison, he had tried. But Mark just rolled his eyes and told Derek to stop worrying about it. Which only made Derek worry more. Which was probably the biggest reason she hadn't brought up the thing recently. Derek was terrified. He couldn't stop worrying. He was pacing and running his hands through his hair. She couldn't say something about the thing...couldn't tell him she didn't want a baby when he was like this. It could wait. She didn't have to tell him yet. They had agreed that now wasn't good timing anyway, so she could wait to tell him. Mark would have to come clean eventually or whatever it was that was bothering him had to blow over and then Derek could stop worrying and they could talk then, when life was calmer. They could deal with their own drama later on. It was fine. They had plenty of time to discuss this. She was on the pill. They were fine. It was like a .1% chance of her getting pregnant right now. They had time. So they could figure this out later, when they found out if Addison was okay. Which was actually her job today. Well, part of her job. Her real job was dealing with a pregnant woman. But her other job was to apparently watch Addie. Which she could do. In the last week it hadn't looked like anything was wrong. Something was definitely on Addison's mind but she didn't seem sick, she didn't seem depressed or too worried...just off or something. But she could watch. If it made Derek feel any better she could definitely watch and see if she could get something out of her. One of them would have to talk eventually.



oncetherewasaway	Dec 4 2007, 08:44 PM Post #3
McEditor Posts: 1,625 Group: .Grey Girls. Member #23 Joined: October 25, 2006	Which she could do. In the last week it hadn't looked like anything was wrong. Something was definitely on Addison's mind but she didn't seem sick, she didn't seem depressed or too worried...just off or something. But she could watch. If it made Derek feel any better she could definitely watch and see if she could get something out of her. One of them would have to talk eventually. She stepped off the elevator, trying to stifle a yawn as she walked towards the patient's room, suddenly wishing she could just take a nap. A very long nap without the big elephant in the room. That would be nice. She frowned when she saw Alex standing outside the patient's room, reading the chart. "Hey," she greeted. "Are you on gynie too?" "Yeah," Alex sighed. "Don't know why she needs two of us." "Haven't you been on plastics?" she asked, leaning against the door, fighting the urge to take a quick catnap. "I have but Sloan sent me here today," Alex shrugged. "Something about extra help." Extra help. Mark wanted Addie to have extra help. Which meant nothing good right now. Definitely nothing good. "Karev, Shepherd," Addison nodded as she walked up to them. "Montgomery-Sloan," Alex sighed. "Morning, Addison," Meredith murmured. Addison looked fine. Really fine. Not pale or sick or...just a little distracted. But only a little. Not a lot. Just...off. "You look happy to be here," Addison raised an eyebrow at her. "Oh, I'm...fine," Meredith nodded. "Just a little tired. But good to go." "That's what I like to hear," Addison nodded as she led them into the patient's room. "Dr. Montgomery-Sloan," the patient sighed, "I...are you sure we have to do this now? I mean, are you sure we can't put it off for another couple weeks. I feel much better and I can't do this. I can't have this baby now. Not yet." "Lynn, we already talked about this," Addison smiled warmly. "We can put it off longer but it puts both you and the baby more at risk. It's best to do it now." "I know. I just...I can't be a mom. Not now." "Yes, you can. You can be a great mom." "I shouldn't have even had this baby," Lynn sighed. "It was a mistake and I never...it was a complete mistake." She frowned as she looked up. "Who are these doctors? Why do I need two more doctors?" "They�re residents, Lynn," Addison smiled. "This is a teaching hospital. I'm teaching them." "Residents," Lynn nodded. "Okay." "Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Karev will just be helping out a bit. Nothing to worry about." "Okay," Lynn sighed. "Dr. Shepherd...can you present the case please?" Addison asked. "What?" Meredith looked up quickly, shaking her head slightly. "Oh, um...yeah. Um...Lynn O'Neill, 32, 35 weeks pregnant. She, um...presented with a case of, uh...pre-eclampsia that threatens to, uh...her blood pressure and..." She frowned as she shook her head again. She knew this. She had read the chart. Except she was too tired to remember the chart. "Remind me to talk to that husband of yours about keeping you up all hours of the night," Addison frowned, turning to Alex. "Karev, would you mind finishing for her?" "Lynn O'Neill, 32, 35 weeks pregnant, presented with a case of pre-eclampsia that threatens to turn into eclampsia. Her blood pressure and vitals were stable as of this morning. Baby looks good, but best course of action is a cesearaen section before her condition worsens," Alex rattled off, frowning slightly at Meredith. "Thank you, Karev," Addison nodded. "I still don't see why we have to do this now," Lynn sighed. "I can't do this now. I didn't even want this baby. I think I deserve five more weeks to want this baby." "Five more weeks isn't safe. We discussed this. I know you're scared. I know becoming a mother is...difficult. But you can do this," Addison nodded. "Do you have kids, Dr. Montgomery-Sloan?" "Oh...ummm...." Addison cleared her throat. "No." "Then you have no idea," Lynn shook her head. "You have no idea and I didn't even want this baby. My husband or...ex husband. He wanted kids. And I didn't. I still don't. But now he's gone and I...I'm having a baby." "He got you pregnant and then left?" Alex frowned. "Yes," Lynn sighed. "He apparently found something better. He wanted a baby, just not the stress of a baby. And now...I never should have had the baby. Never." "Lynn, you'll love being a mother," Addison sighed. "Or maybe I won't. Maybe I just should have said no. But he wanted kids and I wanted him to be happy." "Oh..." Meredith breathed. He had wanted kids. She had never wanted them and her husband had and now he was gone and she was stuck with a baby she had never wanted. It didn't seem fair. It didn't seem fair that she had sacrificed her own happiness for some ass who left her. "Uh...parenting is...I never....I didn't...it's not as bad as it looks." "Lynn," Addison sighed, "you're going to love being a mother. And we have to deliver the baby today. Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Karev are going to run some last minute labs and then we'll take you in for surgery." "It's too late to turn back, isn't it?" Lynn asked. "I'm afraid it is," Addison nodded. "But you'll be okay, Lynn. This baby...you're going to love this baby." She turned to Alex and Meredith. "Shepherd, Karev, a minute outside?" "Of course," Meredith nodded as they followed Addison to the hallway. "Run the usual labs," Addison sighed as she handed the chart to Alex. "And then maybe page psych or a social worker to talk to her. She needs to remain calm." "Can you blame her for freaking out? Ass got her knocked up and left," Alex groaned. "That may be the case," Addison nodded, "but she's having the baby today whether she likes it or not. And if her blood pressure gets too high during the surgery, we might lose both of them." "We'll page someone, Addie," Meredith sighed. "Thank you. Page me when you get the results. And, Meredith?" "Yeah?" "Either take a nap in an on call room or think about fewer late nights with Derek," Addison said firmly. "I won't have mistakes in my OR." "Sorry, Addison," Meredith frowned. "I'll take a nap before we scrub in." "Thank you," Addison nodded as she turned and walked away. "It wasn't late night sex with Shepherd, was it?" Alex asked. "What?" Meredith sighed as she leaned against the wall. "You're clearly exhausted and it clearly has nothing to do with sex." "How do you know it has nothing to do with sex?" she asked. "It could. Derek and I have a lot of sex. A lot of late night sex. It could be sex." "You're miserable," Alex shrugged. "Unless the old man's lost his touch in bed, you're not usually miserable after all night sex marathons." "He definitely hasn't lost his touch in bed," Meredith shook her head, rubbing her aching temples. "It's just...I'm not miserable. I'm happy. I'm really happy and we're happy and I'm just...I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted but I'm completely happy. Definitely not miserable. Why would I be miserable?" "I don't know. You're the one that look miserable." "I'm not miserable," she said firmly. "I just...we're having...not problems. We're fine. We're happy. Really happy. It's just...things. There are things and...but we're happy." "Want to talk about these things?" "I...you can't tell Lexie. And I know you're going to. So...no. Because they're not a big deal. They're just...things. Or a thing. A thing we should be talking about but we're not. We're avoiding it. Because apparently that's what we do. Usually he's all about communicating but he wants to avoid and I want to avoid so we're avoiding. And avoiding leads to no sleep which leads to me feeling like crap." "You're not talking? Isn't that what you two to constantly?" "We're talking. We're talking. Just...not about the thing. We're avoiding the thing." "What's the thing?" "It's a thing. A thing you can't tell Lexie about because she's...Lexie." "I'm not going to gossip." "I know. But she's your girlfriend and you're living together or whatever. And you can't tell her." "I won't tell her, whatever." "Okay," Meredith sighed, biting her lip. "A couple months ago I had a scare or something." "A scare?" "I thought I was pregnant," Meredith whispered. "Okay...so?" "So...we never discussed it. Kids. We never discussed if we wanted more kids. Ever." "You've never discussed having kids with your husband?" "No. That's...that's bad, right? I mean, I know it's bad. It's really, really bad." "It's not bad," Alex shrugged. "Just...weird." "It's...we had Hannah. We had Hannah so we just...we never discussed it. And so now, we have to. We have to discuss it." "Yeah, it's probably a good idea." "But each time we try...I mean, I can't...we don't." "Why not?" "Because I don't know if...I don't think I want kids. And he's...he's him. Of course he wants kids. He has Hannah it would make sense that he would want more kids." "Has he actually said anything that sounded like I want kids?" "Um...no. We both just keep saying I don't know. Which I'm pretty sure he's saying because I'm saying it." "So stop saying it. Tell him you don't want them." "Alex, I can't. He wants them and...he wants them." "And you don't." "I don't know...I don't think I do. Maybe I do. Maybe I don't. I don't...it doesn't matter. We're avoiding. We're avoiding and I'm not sleeping and I feel like crap and...it's the big pink and purple and blue and green elephant in the room." "And you're going to have to talk to him eventually," Alex shrugged. "We will. Eventually." "Or you'll just keep putting it off till you turn into Lynn." "What?" Meredith frowned. "You won't want to tell him that you don't want any more kids. And then he'll want more and you still won't tell him. And then you'll be hours away from actually having one and having a mental breakdown because it's the last thing you actually want." "That's not...I'm on the pill, Alex. No kids. We're not. No. That's not what's going to happen," Meredith shook her head quickly. "And what if it does?" "It won't," she breathed, her hand going up to her temple again. "It won't." "Meredith...talk to your husband. He'll be cool with it." "You don't...I'm going to...um...are you good with labs?" she breathed. "Yeah, I'm good," Alex nodded. "Okay," she nodded. "I'm just...um...on call room. For a bit. Page me." "Will do," he nodded. "Mer?" "Yeah?" "Derek loves you a hell of a lot. He's always gotten you before. Give him a chance with this." "I know he loves me," Meredith murmured. "I just...page me." "Yeah," Alex nodded. "Thanks, Alex," she sighed as she turned and walked down the hallway, her head aching as exhaustion took over her body. She was tired. She needed to nap and clear her head. That's all she needed to do. She would nap and then she would take care of her patient. Her patient who was about to have a baby she had never wanted. Her patient who was having a baby for her husband. She would never do that. Regardless of what Alex said, she wouldn't let it get to that point, Derek wouldn't want it to get to that point. They'd talk. They would talk soon and figure this out. Because she wasn't going to be Lynn, she wasn't going to cry to her doctor about not wanting to be a mother, about not knowing how to be a mother. She wasn't going to be a woman who gave up her body to keep her husband happy. And he would never expect her to. If she told him...when she told him, he'd get that. Or at least she hoped he would. Because he probably wanted kids. He probably wanted kids with her and she wasn't sure if she even wanted them. But he wouldn't expect her to have kids just because he wanted them. She would never turn up like Lynn. It was completely ridiculous to think she could. But she would have to talk to him soon, really soon. Because she had a feeling this would change things. It wouldn't kill them. She knew nothing would do that, Derek made it clear that nothing would do that. But it would change things. It would burst their happy bubble and she was definitely not quite ready for that to happen. But they needed to talk. She needed to sleep again at night. But first she needed to sleep now. She needed to take a nap before she screwed up again. She needed to take a nap and not think about the thing that they were avoiding, needed to not think about her patient who wasn't ready to have a baby, who didn't even want a baby. She needed to just relax and sleep and try to get rid of this headache and the constant exhaustion. "Mer?" her husband's soft voice filled the on call room. "Hmm," she breathed, not even moving to look up at him. "Taking a nap?" he asked, his voice gentle as she listened to him take of his shoes and felt the bed shift under his weight. "Yeah," she murmured, moving over on the bed to allow him to fall next to her. "You didn't get much sleep last night," he murmured. "Neither did you," she pointed out softly. "No, I didn't," he sighed. "I just...tired," she murmured, turning over so that her back was against his chest. "Hmm..." he breathed, pulling her close to him. "Sleep." "Sleep," she nodded, her eyes suddenly wide open. Because of the damn elephant. Because of Alex. Who had apparently taken residence in her head or something and was telling her that Derek loved her and that he would understand. She hated the elephant. And Alex. "Derek." "Yeah?" "We...we have to talk." "Oh...now?" "Derek...it's been five weeks. Do you...I mean..." she bit her lip. "We should talk," he sighed, running his hand along her side. "We should," she breathed. "So..." "I..." Meredith started off, her voice strong. She had to tell him. She had to tell him that she didn't want kids. He'd get it. He'd be fine with it and things would change but...he'd get it. "I don't..." "Yeah?" he asked gently. "I don't...I mean, you...but I don't...." she shook her head as her headache returned full force. "Mer...I..." he breathed. He was about to tell her. He was about to say he wanted kids with her. That he had been thinking and he wanted another kid and...she couldn't do it. Not now. Not when he was worried and not sleeping and...they had time. They had time. "I don't know." "I don't either," he sighed. "Oh." "I really...I don't know, Mer." "Me neither," she whispered as her head pounded. "It's okay." "No, no it isn't," she murmured as tears sprang to her eyes. Great. Now she was crying. She was crying because she was stressed and this was stress and...stupid stress. "Oh Mer...." he whispered, pulling her closer to him. "Shhh...I'm here. We'll figure this out." "I'm fine," she shook her head. "I'm fine. I'm just...I'm just tired." "I know," he sighed, pressing a soft kiss on her neck. "Maybe...we need to talk and I'm not avoiding. But you need sleep." "We can't...the avoiding is...we can't keep avoiding." "I know we can't," he nodded. "But you're in tears and you're...obviously exhausted. You don't need this right now." "Yeah," she breathed. "And Addie...Addison's going to kill me if I screw up again." "You screwed up?" "I couldn't...I was presenting and I couldn't...Alex had to cover for me." "Oh Mer..." he breathed. "Sleep now. We'll talk later. I promise. We'll sit down and hash this whole thing out." "Okay." "Lay on your stomach." "Hmm?" "Lay on your stomach," he repeated. "Why?" she breathed as she shifted to lay on her stomach. "So I can help you sleep," he murmured, moving his hand to her back, rubbing it gently. "A little lower," she whispered, sighing at the feel of his hand on her back. "Stop thinking," he whispered, as he moved his hand down. "Not about Addie and Mark. Not about us. Not even about Hannah. Stop thinking." "Stop thinking," she echoed. "Just stop. Just...feel my hand and listen to us both breathe." "Der..." "Hmm?" "You're cheesy." "Hey, I'm trying to help," he protested, laughing gently "I know," she sighed. "Thank you." "It's my job, Mer," he murmured. "Now sleep." "Sleeping," she nodded as her eyes began to fall shut. "Love you, Der." "Love you too, Mer," he whispered, brushing his lips against her cheek as he continued to rub her back. It was right on the tip of her tongue. I don't want a baby. It was right there but he was rubbing her back and it felt amazing and she could wait. She could wait until after she got some sleep. They could wait. We turn left We turn right And all the while keep turning To ignore what neither of us can say Disclaimer: Actually, we've changed our minds. If we owned the show Rose wouldn't be smushed by the ambulance. Not that that wasn't a good idea. Just...she wouldn't actually exist in the first place. She'd be a nothing. Nothings can't be smushed. Scut, she was going to be in scut all day. She hadn't even known residents could get put on scut but apparently they could be. Something about her looking like she hadn't slept the night before and Addison not being here. Which was actually more odd than being told she looked like crap. She felt like crap. She felt like quiet possibly a truck had hit her. And Addison was MIA. That was strange. Addison never missed work. Except for her honeymoon. That was the only time in recent history Meredith could remember Addison not being at work. Except today. Addison was MIA today. Bailey had said something about her taking a personal day, and then suggesting Meredith do the same. Not that she needed a personal day. She didn't. She felt like crap, but she could work. Even if it meant scut. Scut sucked but at least it was work. Besides if she went home for a personal day Derek would want to come home with her because he would be worried. And there was nothing to worry about. She was stressed, her life was a ball of stress and it left her feeling like crap. Going home wouldn't help. Going home would give her time to think and that's not what she needed. She needed to work and be productive. And not worry about her and Derek or the fact that Hannah had had her first fight with Jenny, and definitely not about Mark and Addison. Except now she couldn't help but worry about Mark and Addison. Because Addison had taken a personal day. Not a sick day. A personal day. It was all very strange. And once she talked to Derek about this, she could be on scut, which hopefully would distract her from the dull nausea that had hit that morning. "What are you doing here?" Derek asked as she walkied into his office. "I'm on scut," she groaned, falling into a chair. "Scut? Why?" Derek frowned, getting out of his chair and walking over to the other side of his desk. "Besides the fact that I apparently look like crap?" she sighed. "Addie took a personal day. Or personal days. She's MIA." "She...what?" "She took today and tomorrow off," Meredith reported. "She never takes a day off. Ever." "Exactly. But she took today and tomorrow. Personal days." "Personal?" "That's what Bailey said. Is Mark here?" "I don't know," Derek sighed. "His name isn't on the board." "At all?" she frowned. "He was talking about skin grafts two days ago." "I know," Derek frowned. "I figured...it got cancelled or something but if Addie's not here..." "Do you think...I mean, do you think everything's okay?" "I don't know," he sighed, picking up his phone and quickly dialing Mark's number before hanging up a minute later. "He's not in his office." "Did he say anything to you about taking a personal day?" Meredith asked, taking a deep breath to calm her stomach. "No," he shook his head. "Is your stomach still bugging you?" "Just a little," she shrugged. "Okay," he sighed, running his hand through his hair. "Der...you're doing the freaking out thing." "Yeah, I am," he nodded. "Something is up, Mer." "I know," she sighed, getting out of the chair to stand next to him, her hand gently rubbing his arm. "He hasn't said a word. He's...he's my best friend and he hasn't said a word." "Then maybe it's not a big deal," she whispered. "Maybe they're taking a personal day to...I don't know, work through their issues or whatever. Or just having sex all day. That's a Mark thing to do." "He wouldn't cancel surgeries for that," he shook his head. "And he'd be bragging like an idiot." "True," she murmured. "Addie's sick...what does that even mean?" "I don't know. She didn't...I've been working with her for the past two weeks. She seems fine." "That's...good," he nodded. "I mean...that would be good, right?" "I guess...I mean, she seemed distracted a little. And a little off but...I mean, fine. Better than me.' "I'm not one hundred percent sure how good that is," he sighed. "Sorry," she breathed. "Trying to help." "I know you are," he smiled sadly. "Der, I'm sure everything is fine," she tried. "I don't see how it could be," he sighed. "They never take a personal day, ever." "So today they did," she murmured. "Maybe...wine country. They went to wine country and Mark didn't tell you because he didn't want you to think he was stealing your idea or something." "Mer...its not...Mark, he's not spontaneous like that. He doesn't....we both know there's been something up with them." "I know," she breathed, resting her head against his shoulder. "Something's been wrong and now...now they're not here." "Mark told you everything was okay." "Yes. He sounded like you." "Which is...weird. But he wouldn't lie, Der." "He might. If it was bad and he didn't want me to worry, didn't want my sympathy. You know my family, Mer. If something was wrong and he told them, they'd be all over them. Of course he wouldn't say anything." "True. But...I mean, if it was big. Really, really big...you two tell each other everything. Which sounds girly and he'd kick my ass but it's true." "I know but...I didn't tell him about...our mess. He has no idea." "Mess?" she frowned. "It's not�it's not a mess." "It kind of is," he sighed. "No...we're...we're not a mess," she shook her head quickly, which somehow only managed to make the nausea feel a little worse. "Anyway, the point is...Mark and Addison. They're MIA." "I know," he groaned. "I...should we head over there?" "I don't know if that's a good idea." "I don't....we could...help." "Derek, I really think it's a bad idea," she sighed. "If something is wrong then...they might be taking the day off to process it or something." "Yeah but he's...he's...my best friend." "I know. I just...they...if Addie's sick, like really sick then..." "Oh god...this could be...bad, really really bad." "Derek, no," Meredith shook her head. "No. It's...it could be nothing. It could be them...being I don't know. But bad...it's not bad. It's just them taking a couple days off and if something is wrong then...they'll tell us. Eventually. They have to tell us." "I know," he nodded, moving to pace around the room. "I know...if it's anything they have to let us in on it. They can't keep whatever it is secret forever and they'll tell us and then we'll know. And we can do something then. We can help them deal with it because Mark's my brother and probably my third favourite person alive so we'll help them. Oh god, I sound like you." "You kind of do," she giggled slightly. "It's just...he's happy, Mer," Derek sighed. "He's finally happy. No one ever expected him to settle down and he did. He's happy and in love and if something is wrong...that would be...bad. I don't even know how to help." "Derek, they've been having problems," she said gently. "And they're just starting to talk again and...I mean, this could be nothing. This could be small and not a big deal." "Or it could be huge." "Derek..." "Meredith, we don't know. We don't know. This could be...really bad. He's not here. She's not here. They pratically live here." "I know," she sighed, reaching for his hand as he paced by her. "I don't know what to do, Mer," he sighed, stopping in front of her. "Just...I think we have to wait," she sighed, pulling him towards her and wrapping her arms around his neck. "I think that's all...and it sucks but...I think that's what we have to do." "Yeah," he murmured, leaning into her. "He's my best friend and I don't even know what's wrong. And I don't know what to do to help. Unless it's a brain tumor, I can't help." "It's not a brain tumor, Derek." "We don't actually know that." "Mark would have asked you for help if he thought it was a brain tumor." "Unless they think it's inoperable." "They'd ask you." "Yeah...you...you probably have a point," he sighed. "I'm just...I feel lost." "It's going to be okay, Derek," she whispered. "How are you so calm?" "Because if I freak out, you'll freak out. And I think if I freak out and start pacing I might throw up. So...I'm sticking with calm until we know more." "Is your stomach that bad?" he frowned. "It's getting better," she sighed. "I should probably eat something. Or just...it's getting better." "Crackers," he suggested. "Crackers," she nodded. "I'll...I'll get some crackers and soup at lunch. It's just stress." "I know. Which I hate." "It's fine," Meredith shook her head. "I'm a resident...I'm supposed to stress. And with everything else...I'm probably developing an ulcer or something. Did you try to call Mark on his cell?" "No," he sighed. "You think I should?" "It couldn't hurt...if he answers, just ask him where he is. If he doesn't...leave a message." "Good idea," he nodded, pulling his cell phone off his hip and dialing a number quickly, holding it for a few minutes as it rang. "It's me. I'm just...you're not here and neither is Addison. So Mer and I were just wondering...if there's anything you need, if you need to talk...you know my number of whatever. And I know you don't want to talk but...I'm here. In a manly way. Bye." "You two are so weird," Meredith smiled, rolling her eyes. "How was that weird?" "In a manly way," she said lightly, deepening her voice slightly to try to match his. "Well...saying I'm here sounds kind of gay, Mer." "Of course it does," she sighed, resting her forehead against his chest. "You better never get sick. Ever." "Even a cold?" "Okay, maybe a cold. But not sick sick." "We don't even know if she's sick sick, Derek." "I know." "Hannah said Mark said Addie would be fine "She did say that," Derek sighed. "So breathe before you give yourself a heart attack," she murmured, rubbing her hand over his chest. "I'm not going to give myself a heart attack." "It's a phrase." "I know," he sighed, kissing her quickly. "Sorry I'm freaking out." "He's your friend. You get to freak out a little.' "He's my brother." "Which means you get to freak out even more. And I'll join you later." "Good. I'm not supposed to be the one freaking out." "It's a little strange." "It really is. I think the world has been thrown off axes or something." "Probably," she giggled slightly. "Hmmm...I should go do charts or something scut-like." "Are you actually not up for real work?" "I'm good with real work," she nodded. "But Bailey...you know Bailey." "Go do scut. I'll try to steal you back." "Seriously?" she grinned. "Seriously," he nodded. "Scuts not going to help you relax." "True," Meredith nodded. "But you are putting yourself in Bailey's warpath or whatever. She sounded like she was going to talk to you about keeping me at home or whatever." "But you're not actually sick," he frowned. "I'm not going to keep you home because your stomach feels off." "She also said something about not sleeping. And my stomach feels better. Mostly." "Good." "But I'm definitely up for real work." "I'll see what I can do," he nodded. "It's been a while since I worked with my favourite resident." "Then you go talk to Bailey," she smiled widely, kissing him quickly. "And I'll do scut-like things." "You do that," he laughed, kissing her again. "They'll be fine, right?" "They'll be fine." "Hmmm..." he frowned slightly, pressing his forehead against hers. "Go do your thing...hopefully I'll be paging you soon." "Hopefully," she murmured. "Don't freak out, Der. They'll be fine." "I know," he sighed, kissing her quickly. "Thanks." "You're welcome," she murmured against his lips. "I'll see you later." "Definitely. Soonish." "Good," she smiled. "Love you." "Love you too," he grinned. Meredith flashed one more smile at him over her shoulder before leaving his office, finally letting her hands shake a little. Because Mark and Addison had both taken personal days, which never happened. They had taken personal days and Addie was apparently sick and...it was scary. And she was definitely freaking out. She just couldn't let him see her freaking out or he'd really freak out. And he couldn't really freak out because she really didn't need the extra stress right now. That would be bad, really bad. Even if her stomach was starting to feel better and she was apparently not going to be forced to stay in scut all day, it didn't mean she needed her husband completely freaking out. So she'd stay calm. And they'd be okay. They had to be. If it was bad, they would have told them. Have heart my dear We're bound to be afraid Even if it's just for a few days



oncetherewasaway	Dec 4 2007, 08:46 PM Post #4
McEditor Posts: 1,625 Group: .Grey Girls. Member #23 Joined: October 25, 2006	Disclaimer: At this point you may have the idea that we don't like Rose. Which well...we don't. At all. I'm sure she's very nice in a creepy stalker who keeps track of how many surgeries of Derek's she scrubs in on way. But yes....we are not Rose fans. Which is why she wouldn't exist if we owned the show. There'd be no need for her anyway. If Derek weren't so worried about Mark, he would kill him. Right now, he would kill his brother and then probably admit to it. Because Mark had picked Hannah up from school that afternoon and his ten year old was now on the world's worst sugar high. He was pretty sure he had never actually seen her this bouncy. Which was a feat after seeing her on countless sugar highs for ten years. "Hannah, slow down just a bit," he yelled as she ran into the living room where Meredith was curled up on the couch, still not feeling well. He hadn't even gotten a chance to talk to Mark about the mysterious days off the week before. He had talked about his day with Hannah and the second Derek had asked about where they had gone missing to the week before Mark had made an excuse to leave. He had no idea what to do. Mark wasn't talking, Addison wasn't talking, and Mer was either too tired, too cranky, or too nauseous to make an effort at talking to Addison. So he was now worried about three people, three people who were being too stubborn for their own goods. He sighed as he grabbed a few crackers and put them on the tray next to some chicken noodle soup and ginger ale. Meredith swore that it was stress. No matter how many days it had lasted, no matter how bad it got, she kept saying it was stress. That had been an easy excuse last week when she had only felt ever so slightly nauseous but this was pushing it. There was obviously something more than stress going on but it was getting to the point that talking about anything felt awkward. As it might lead to the talk they were still avoiding. They needed to talk about it. He knew that. But she wasn't in the mood to talk. And he was fine with that. He just wished that avoiding that one talk didn't mean they avoided all talking. "Daddy, can we build the castle?" Hannah said excitedly as he walked into the living room. "Of course we can," Derek smiled, placing the tray on the table in front of Meredith. "You never say yes," Hannah grinned widely. "Well today I said yes," Derek laughed. "Did you hear that, Mom?" Hannah giggled. "Daddy said yes to building a castle. "He did," Meredith nodded. "So you have to eat your soup and then we're going to build the castle." "Hmmm..." Meredith sighed. "Maybe we could just watch a movie instead." "What?" Hannah frowned, staring at her. "But you love building castles." "I do...just...not today." "But...Daddy said yes," Hannah sighed, looking up at Derek for help. "Come on, Mer," Derek smiled gently. "It will be fun." "Maybe tomorrow," she said softly, pulling the throw over her shoulders. "Mer...are you sure you're okay?" Derek frowned, sitting down beside her. "I'm fine, Derek," she sighed. "You're obviously not," he shook his head. "Derek..." "Meredith, this isn't stress." "It could be an ulcer or something," she said. "And how could it not be stress? I just worked a fifteen hour shift, the entire time thinking I was going to vomit into a patient or something. Mark and Addison are...whatever. And we're...it's probably stress. It's an ulcer." "Okay, if it's an ulcer that's something wrong with you," Derek sighed. "And ulcers usually heal themselves." "I know. And it involves resting." "I'm resting. Right now...resting. I suggest a movie to rest and...I'm resting." "Fine. But I still get to worry about you and fuss over you." "Fine," she rolled her eyes. "Meredith..." "What?" she snapped and then took a deep breath. "Sorry. I just...sorry." "It's okay," he sighed, leaning forward to kiss her forehead. "You're allowed to be cranky when you're not feeling well." "I just...a couple days. A couple days and I'll be fine. And no stress. Which is impossible but..." "No stress," he nodded. "Mom, are you sick?" Hannah frowned. "No, Han," she shook her head. "Well...maybe a little, but nothing bad." "So you and Aunt Addie are sick," Hannah sighed. "It must be a...a...virus. Right, Daddy?" "It could be," Derek nodded. "Aunt Addie's sick?" Meredith asked Hannah as she sat up slowly to reach for her soup. "Yep," Hannah nodded. "Did Uncle Mark tell you that?" Meredith murmured. "He did," Hannah nodded. "Did he say what kind of sick, Han?" Derek asked quickly. "Nope, he didn't," Hannah shook her head. "But he said not bad sick." "Did he seem sad?" Meredith grimaced as she took a bite of her soup and put it down quickly, holding her hand over her mouth for a second. "A little, yeah," Hannah shrugged. "Oh," Derek frowned. "But he said it wasn't bad sick?" "Yep," Hannah nodded. "Well at least she's not bad sick," Meredith murmured as she stared at the crackers on the tray. "Yeah, that's good," Derek sighed. "Are we going to watch a movie?" Hannah asked. "We can do that," Derek nodded. "Postpone castle building till Mom's better." "Can I pick the movie?" "Of course," Meredith smiled softly. "Good," Hannah grinned as she ran to go look at the DVDs. "Are you sure you're okay?" Derek asked quietly. "Derek," Meredith groaned. "Mer...husband, I'm allowed to worry." "I know. But I'm not even throwing up. It's just nausea." "I know," he sighed. "But it's been sticking around." "It's only been a week." "A week is a long time for nausea." "Not if it's an ulcer." "Fine. I'm allowed to worry about an ulcer." "You don't need to worry," she shook her head, putting the crackers back down as she crawled back underneath the throw. "I'm a doctor. I know what to do. If I start feeling pain or vomiting blood I'll go talk to Bailey." "Mer...if I had been feeling nauseous for the last week would you be worried?" "Yes, but..." "But nothing. I worry about you. End of story." "Okay. But you...you have enough to worry about. Addison's apparently sick and Mark's being...weird. And work and Hannah and...I'm fine. It's just a little bit of nausea." "Still going to worry," he laughed softly. "Which will then lead to you getting an ulcer or something." "And then we can be ulcer buddies." "Derek," she groaned. "Meredith Shepherd...wife...husband...we worry about each other. Don't ask me to not worry about you." "You can worry. Just...don't make stupid jokes." "Fine," he rolled his eyes. "Stupid jokes don't...crap," she breathed, shooting up quickly and running to the downstairs washroom. "Mer..." he jumped up quickly. "Han...we'll be right back." He ran to the bathroom after his wife, frowning when he saw her hanging over the toilet, her hair in her hands. "I'm not...false alarm," she murmured, though still looking into the toilet. "Okay," he murmured, sitting down beside her. "But...I'm officially worried." "I didn't throw up. I just...I thought I was. I'm fine." "Thinking you're going to throw up is not fine." "I've been thinking I'm going to throw up for two days," she breathed as she slid down against the wall. "I know. And it's not good." "Derek...ulcer. Stress. Lots of stress." "Fine, ulcer," he nodded. "If you're not feeling better soon we're getting you checked out." "Define soon." "I don't know...it depends on if it gets any worse." "Which it won't," Meredith nodded as she stood up. "Our daughter is waiting for us." "She is. Are you okay for a movie?" "I'm not dying, Derek. It's a movie. We sit around and stare at the TV." "You're crabby when you're sick." "Mom?" Hannah poked her head in. "Are you okay?" "Yep, I'm good," Meredith nodded. "When my stomach hurts, Nana puts a hot thing on it," Hannah suggested. "She does," Derek nodded. "Want that, Mer?" "Couldn't hurt," Meredith sighed, taking a shaky breath as she put her hand to her stomach. "What movie are we watching, Han?" "Peter Pan." "Very cool," Meredith smiled slightly as she moved out of the restroom, her hand still holding her stomach gingerly. "You guys go start the movie and I'll be right there." "Okay, Daddy," Hannah nodded, grabbing Meredith's hand and leading her to the living room, slowly. Derek sighed to himself as he watched the two women in his life make their way down the hallway. Meredith was definitely sick. And she was definitely right that it could be an ulcer, which was probably his fault. They had to talk but they couldn't talk about that when she was sick. He just needed her to get better. And then they could figure everything out about them. He just had to make sure she wasn't stressing because of them. More stress wouldn't make her get better any faster. He'd maybe talk to the Chief or Bailey about letting Mer have a couple days off, though she would probably kill him. He just needed her to get well again. And then they could figure this out. Once they figured everything out, things would be good again. They would be them again. I'll wait until tomorrow Maybe you'll be better then Maybe we'll be better then Disclaimer: Paddy quotes Frank Sinatra. And his fave hotel is this rustic place in Georgia. And his fave restaurant is in Scotland. If we owned the show we would own him. And we'd be demanding that he became a polygimist and marry us too...because he's perfect. He's like this weird odd form of perfect. Derek rushed down the hallway, skirting around the groups of nurses and other doctors that were jamming up the hallway. There had been some sort of pile up and he was being paged 911 and he wasn't really moving fast enough today to actually get there quickly. He hadn't slept well the night before, worried about Meredith and now he was trying to just get through his work day. She was still sick, though it hadn't seemed to get any worse. There were a couple of moments early in the morning when she would bolt out of bed and hang over the toilet, only to cough a little and then come back to bed. He wasn't sure if he was supposed to be happy it hadn't gotten worse or worried that it hadn't gotten better. He just knew he was worried about her. And worried led to lack of sleep and moving slow. He wasn't in the mood to have to deal with a trauma patient, which was probably a very bad thing. It was his job and it was the last thing he wanted to be doing today. He still hadn't convinced Meredith that she should be talking to someone about the symptoms and he needed to get her in. He still needed to talk to Mark and figure out what the hell his problem was. He didn't have time for this. That definitely made him a bad person. And a bad doctor. Because there had been a pile up and it was his job to fix the people who would come in with head and spinal injuries. He was the head of neuro, people looked to him for those kinds of surgeries. He just wished he could be at home, instead of here. The only upside to this was possibly seeing Meredith and making sure she was okay. "I was paged," he asked as he walked into the pit. Meredith looked up as he walked in. She was standing next to a pregnant woman who looked like she had a pretty serious head contusion. "Over here," Meredith called to him as Addie stood next to her, the wand of an ultrasound in her hand. "What do we have?" he asked as he walked over, taking the chart from Meredith's hands. "Sheila Hanes, 38," Meredith stated, "25 weeks pregnant, involved in MVA. Blood pressure is 158 over 94. Several lacerations to her face, arms, and chest, as well as what might be a subdural hematoma." "We have to get her for an MRI," Derek sighed, looking into the patients eyes. "How's the baby look, Addie?� "Fetal heartrate is low, there's signs of beginning distress," Addison sighed. "If we don't get her blood pressure under control..." "We have to move fast on this one," Derek nodded. "Shepherd, call ahead to MRI to let them know we're coming and get an OR cleared." Meredith turned to leave, bumping into a man in a suit. "My wife," the man exclaiimed. "My wife. Sheila Hanes. They called me at work, they said she was in an accident on the freeway." "Oh...umm...yes, sir...we're just taking her for some tests...you need to sit down," Meredith sighed. "Tests? Is she okay? Where is she? I just...my wife...I need my wife." "Sir, you need to sit down and someone will come to talk to you very soon," Meredith nodded. "We won't have anything to tell you till we get her for some scans." "At least tell me if she's okay. Just tell me...is she okay? She...she was coming to meet me for lunch and...what happened?" "A man fell asleep while driving and veered out of control causing a pile up. Your wife is...we won't know exactly until we get her to these scans. She's alive and has two of the best doctors in the hospital working on her." "I need to see her," the man breathed her. "Can I see her? Is she awake?" "Sir, you can't see her right now. She's being taken up for an MRI. Dr. Shepherd will come find you when we know more." "Okay," the man breathed. "I'm um...Jacob. Jacob Hanes. She...take care of her. She was coming to see me for lunch." "Jacob, she's in good hands," Meredith smiled. "Someone will come find you the second we know anything." "Okay," Jacob nodded. "Will you...will you tell her I love her?" "I can do that," Meredith smiled. "Thank you," Jacob nodded. "Thank you." "Just doing my job," Meredith smiled. "I can...I know it's hard but just have a seat and we'll get back to you soon." "Dr. Shepherd," Addison sighed, "we need to move." "Of course," Meredith nodded. "Sit...and someone...someone will come." The man turned and left the area while Meredith came back over to the gurney. "The baby's distress is getting worse," Addison stated. "Meredith, I need you with her at all times. Watch the fetal heart rate." "Of course," Meredith nodded. "Page me if there are any changes," Addison said and then turned, walking away quickly. "How's the husband?" Derek asked. "He's a wreck," Meredith sighed. "She was on her way to eat lunch with him." "God," Derek shook his head. "I can't even imagine...nor do I want to." "Me neither," she sighed. "He just wanted to see her. He's a complete wreck and she's...she's going to make it right?" "We'll do everything we can," Derek nodded. "Let's move her. Keep a close eyes on that heart rate, Mer." She paused for a second, her hand moving her mouth and then nodded. "I am." "You okay?" "Yeah. Just...yeah. Let's go." "Yeah," Derek nodded. "I told her husband you would talk to him," she said once they had gotten the patient settled in the MRI. "I will," Derek nodded. "Hopefully have something good to tell him." "I just...she's pregnant," Meredith murmured. "She's pregnant and they were going to have a baby and now...she was going to eat lunch with him." "I know," Derek sighed. "It sucks." "It really does," she murmured, her hand holding her stomach as she took a deep breath. "You should go see someone." "Derek...� "Meredith...husband...worried...allowed." "Okay, but..." she paused and frowned as she stared at the screen. "Oh crap." "Crap," Derek echoed. "That's a huge bleed." "It is," he nodded. "Do we have an OR?" "OR-2," she stated, standing up quickly. "Thanks," Derek nodded. "I have to go talk to the husband quickly...can you prep her?" "Definitely," Meredith said as she walked out of the room and back to the patient. Derek sighed and headed toward the waiting room, running his palm over his face. This was crap. The woman had been driving to meet her husband for lunch and now her brain was bleeding. It wasn't going to be an easy case. And there was a baby. This was hell and it was the last thing he had wanted to deal with today. These kind of cases always made his stomach turn. There was a better than good chance the baby wouldn't make it through the surgery, and the woman...he wasn't sure. It was a huge bleed and it would be a long surgery, and he wans't sure if she could survive it. He hated these cases. He hated cases when he risked losing two patients, and thankfully they didn't happen often. But this was not a surgery he had wanted to do today, not something he needed to be stressing about when his own wife was so sick. "Mr. Hanes?" Derek asked, stepping into the waiting room. "Are you Dr. Shepherd?" a man in a suit turned quickly from where he was pacing. "Are you...the doctor or nurse or...the woman said you would talk to me about my wife. Are you Dr. Shepherd?" "That was Dr. Shepherd," Derek nodded. "And yes, I'm Dr. Shepherd...too." "Okay so...my wife? Sheila? Is she okay?" "She's....maybe we should sit down," Derek sighed. "Oh god," Mr. Hanes groaned. "She's not...she can't be dead. I kissed her this morning. We...she was coming to eat lunch with me. She wasn't feeling well and I said...she was coming to eat lunch with me." "She's not dead," Derek shook his head quickly. "She's going to need surgery...brain surgery. My...the other Dr. Shepherd is preping her right now." "Brain...brain surgery," Mr. Hanes stammered. "What's...what's the matter with her brain? The police...they said there was a car accident. What's...what's the matter with her brain?" "She hit her head in the accident and there's...quite a bit of bleeding in her brain." "Bleeding in her brain?" "Yes," Derek nodded. "We're going to go in and do all we can to stop the bleeding before it causes any permanent damage." "Permanent..." Mr. Hanes shook his head. "No. She can't have permanent damage. She was fine this morning. She...she was fine. And we were going to eat lunch together. Dr. Shepherd, you have to do everything you can. She's...I thought I was done. I thought I was done before her. I worked and...and then she came. And she's my everything." "That...I know how that feels. I understand and I can't even...god that would be hell," Derek breathed. "I'll do everything I can, I promise you that. I've done this procedure countless times." "She can't be just another patient. She's my Sheila. I can't...I can't live without her. We fought so hard...she's my life." "Yeah...yeah, I get that," Derek nodded. "You have no idea how much I get that." "Just...save her, please. I can't lose her," Mr. Hanes said as he buried his face in his hands. "I promise I will do everything I can," Derek sighed, patting the man's back gently. "Dr. Shepherd?" Meredith poked her head in, "she's ready." "Thank you, Dr. Shepherd," Derek nodded, fingering the ring on his finger for a second before standing up. "I'll keep you up to date on our progess." "Just...please save her," Mr. Hanes choked out. "Please." "We'll do everything we can," Derek nodded. "Addison doesn't think the baby is stable enough for the surgery," Meredith murmured to him as they walked quickly towards the scrub room. "If we don't do the surgery it won't matter how stable the baby is," Derek sighed. "She gave me a very weird speech about not giving up on something just because it seems impossible," Meredith frowned. "Oh," Derek frowned. "Well he gave me a speech on how she's apparently his Meredith." "What?" she sighed as she leaned against the sink for a minute, taking a deep breath. "He fought hard for her, she's his everything, she's his world, can't imagine life without her. Oh and he was done looking for someone and suddenly she was there. His Meredith." "Oh," she breathed, her hand moving up to her mouth before moving it down to wash her hands. "You okay?" "I'm fine, Derek," she murmured. "So you keep saying," he sighed. "I have to operate on her, I can't put it off till the baby is more stable. I can't." "I know," she nodded. "If you don't operate now, it won't matter about the baby. You can't just wait for that." "I can't," he shook his head. "And...the husband is going to want the operation first." "So you do the operation first," Meredith agreed. "The baby...if the baby survives, then that's good. But she's...you have to do the operation first." "I do," he nodded. "And the rest...we'll do everything we can to make sure the baby makes it." "I'm just going to be sitting there watching the baby," she nodded. "That's my job. Make sure the baby makes it." "How far along is she?" "Twenty-five weeks." "Okay," he nodded. "We can do this, Mer." "We can." "Because he might kill me if I lose her." "You won't lose her. She wouldn't...he's probably her Derek or whatever." "Her Derek or whatever?" he raised an eyebrow. Katie-Belle says: "You know..." Meredith bit her lip. "The guy she's with that makes her feel safe and...content. The guy who fought for her and got her and now she can't...you know, live without him." "Oh that guy," Derek smiled. "That guy," she smiled slightly. "So she'll fight," Derek nodded. "She'll fight." "Ready?" "Ready," she nodded as they walked into the OR "Good morning everyone," Derek smiled behind his mask. "It's a beautiful day to save lives, let's have some fun." He stared at the patient's brain, trying his hardest to ignore the fact that Meredith had asked for water about twenty minutes ago, trying to ignore the fact that every time he looked up it looked like she had her hand either over her stomach or over her mouth, trying his hardest to ignore everything but the bleed in front of him. The bleed that just seemed to keep getting worse. He had been at this for hours, and he wasn't sure he saw an end in sight. This was a mess. It was messier than he had even expected when he started and he needed to fix this. She was her husband's Meredith and there was no way he could do anything but fight his hardest. Because if it was Meredith he'd want the doctor doing the same thing. And there was something wrong with his Meredith, that he couldn't fix because he had no idea what it was. She was sick, that much was obvious. She was not acting like someone who wasn't sick. The nausea, the exhaustion...she was sick. He had no idea what she had, but his heart pounded with the thought that it could be something serious. Something he wouldn't be able to fix. But if some other doctor could, he would want that doctor to do everything in his power to save her. He shouldn't even be thinking about this. He was standing over an open brain of a woman that he had to save and he couldn't think about the fact his wife might need saving. He was fine. She was probably right, it was probably just an ulcer caused by stress and eventually it would clear up and she'd be his wife again, his cute giggly wife. It was probably nothing to worry about. "Baby's heartbeat is dropping, Dr. Shepherd," she reported from her chair for the tenth time. The baby's heart beat just continued to drop. He was working as fast as he could, but there was only so much he could do. "Crap," he murmured. "I haven't gotten the bleeding under control yet." "I don't know how much longer the baby can be..." she trailed off as she took a deep breath. "Do you have an estimate for how much longer, Dr. Shepherd?" "No clue," he sighed. "It should have been done already but this bleeding doesn't want to quit. Do you...are you okay here?" "I'm fine, Dr. Shepherd," she said firmly. "Okay," he nodded. "I'll...I have to get this out of control." "Pressure's dropping, Dr. Shepherd," a nurse reported quickly. "Crap," he groaned. "We need to end this now." "Dr. Shepherd," another nurse said to Meredith, "there's bleeding vaginally." "Crap," Meredith murmured, moving out of her chair. "Dr. Shepherd, I think we need Dr. Montgomery." "Page her," Derek sighed. "I just...I need to get this bleeder under control." "Someone page Dr. Montgomey....911...we're losing this baby fast," Meredith sighed. "Dr. Shepherd, pressure's still dropping," a nurse said urgently as the machines beeped around him. "Okay...I just...I think I nearly have it," Derek sighed. "Derek...I've lost the baby's heartbeat," Meredith said quickly. "And there's a lot of bleeding...where's Dr. Montgomery-Sloan?" "She's on her way," a nurse answered. "Crap," Meredith breathed. "Derek...are you...do you have it?" "I think...yes...it seems...I think we're good," he sighed. "What happened?" Addison demanded as she walked into the OR. "I lost the heart beat," Meredith murmured. "And there's bleeding, a lot of bleeding." "I told you the baby wasn't stable enough for this surgery," Addison sighed. "I told you. There was no way...the pressure on it was overwhelming." "And if I hadn't cut the mother would be dead right now," Derek groaned. "It was lose lose, Addie, you know that." "No. It's not...we can keep trying," she breathed. "We can keep trying." "You saw the scans, Addie, the mother was a goner if I hadn't gone in." "I'm going to have to see how much damage there is," Addison groaned. "We have to keep trying. She deserves her baby. She deserves it." "There's still no heart beat," Meredith pointed out. "It doesn't matter," Addison snapped. "Derek, close her up while I try to save the baby or at least her ability to have children." "That was the plan," Derek groaned, shooting a quick glance at Meredith. "Addison," Meredith breathed and then paused, putting her hand over her mouth. "Mer...you okay?" Derek asked again. "I'm fine," she nodded quickly, her hand still over her mouth. "Addison...the baby..." "I'm doing what I can," Addison sighed. "I knew this operation was a bad idea." "Okay, okay," Meredith nodded as she looked up at Derek quickly and then went to work with Addison while Derek closed. "Any change?" Derek asked as he motioned for an intern to bandaid the head. "No," Meredith murmured quietly. "We have to go tell the husband," Derek sighed. "Addison, come on," Meredith sighed. "There wasn't...we have to go tell the husband." "No, not yet," Addison shook her head. "Addison..." Meredith breathed. "Addison, it's done," Derek frowned. "I'm sorry we lost the baby but it's done." "It can't be done," Addison shook her head. "It can't be. It doesn't get to end like this.� "Addie, sometimes it does," Derek said gently. "Come on." "She deserves her baby. She wants this baby, she deserves it." "I know," Derek murmured. "But there's nothing you can do now. With the amount of distress the baby was in....there's nothing you can do." Addison paused for a moment, taking a deep shaky breath. "Fine. Will someone close please while we go tell her husband he just lost a baby?" "And kept his wife," Derek sighed. "Dr. Shepherd, are you coming with us?" "Of course," Meredith nodded quickly. "Let's go do this," Derek nodded, leading the two woman out of the room. "You okay, Addie?" "I'm perfectly all right, Derek," Addison murmured, tearing her gloves off. "You're not," Derek frowned. "I am," she nodded. "She didn't have to lose her baby, Derek." "There was nothing we could do, Addie." "There's always something. You don't just give up because it seems impossible. You can't just give up." "Is...is there something we should be talking about?" Meredith asked gently. "What do you mean?" Addison frowned. "I was talking about the patient, Dr. Shepherd." "Sure you were," Derek sighed. "Dr. Shepherd," Mr. Hanes said the second they walked into the waiting room. His suit coat was off and his tie was undone, his hair a mess. "Dr. Shepherd, how's Sheila? Is she all right?" "She made it through the surgery just fine," Derek smiled. "Barring any complications...she should be fine." "She's...oh thank god," Mr. Hanes breathed. "Oh thank...thank you. She's...I just kept sitting here wondering what I would do without her. She's everything to me. And...but she's okay? She's okay." "She's okay," Derek smiled. "It took a little longer than I hoped but everything looks fine. We'll know more when she wakes up." "But she will wake up?" Mr. Hanes smiled. "Thank you, Dr. Shepherd. Thank you so much. I...she's going to wake up and we'll go home and everything will be fine. We'll be us." "You're welcome," Derek sighed. "And..." "I just can't believe she's okay," Mr. Hanes breathed. "I was expecting the worse. We've been through so much and...she's okay though. She's perfectly okay. And we'll go home and...god, I can't believe she's okay." "Mr. Hanes," Addison cut in. "There was one complication." "A complication?" Mr. Hanes frowned. "Dr. Shepherd said Sheila was all right." "Sheila's fine," Addison frowned. "But...I'm afraid the baby didn't make it." "The baby?" Mr. Hanes nodded. "The baby. I...of course, the baby. I...we never wanted kids. Or, I didn't. And she didn't. We were happy with our lives, our lives were perfect. And then her friends started having babies and she wanted a baby and I couldn't...what kind of bastard doesn't want children with his own wife?" "Oh," Derek frowned, looking quickly at Meredith. "You...you didn't want the baby?" "No," Mr. Hanes shook his head. "I couldn't tell her though. She was so happy to be pregnant and...I couldn't tell her. I couldn't tell her I didn't want kids. That I didn't want kids screwing up what we had. It was so incredibly perfect. But I thought...you know, I was being a selfish bastard." "Yeah, I get that," Derek nodded. "So the baby..." Mr. Hanes said as Meredith looked quickly at Derek, a frown on her face. "The baby was in too much distress to survive the surgery," Addison sighed. "Oh," Mr. Hanes breathed. "Oh." "We're very sorry," Meredith murmured. "Oh," Mr. Hanes repeated. "The baby...was it...do you know..Sheila knew. She found out if it was a boy or a girl. I didn't really...was it a boy or a girl?" "It was a girl," Addison frowned. "A girl," Mr. Hanes took a deep breath. "Okay." "Are you okay?" Derek asked. "Do you need to sit down? Water?" "I...I don't know," Mr. Hanes murmured. "I had...I was going to have a daughter." "I'm going to have to do more tests, but you should be able to try again," Addison murmured. "Try again," the man said distractedly. "When can I see her? When can I see Sheila?" "She's in recovery right now and with brain surgery...it will be a couple of hours," Derek sighed. "Can I...can I at least see her?" "Yeah," Derek sighed. "You can." "I just have to see her," he nodded. "I have to make sure she's still here. Thank you, Doctors." "You're welcome," Derek nodded. "And I understand...the seeing her...I get it. A nurse will show you the way. I'll come and check on her but if you have any questions just get a nurse to page me." "Thank you," Mr. Hanes repeated as Derek, Meredith, and Addison turned, walking away. "He didn't even want the baby," Addison frowned. "He didn't," Meredith sighed. "He...he didn't want a baby. Some people don't want babies." "Yeah," Derek nodded. "He was happy with what he had." "Which...I mean, it makes sense," Meredith murmured. "Being happy with what you have. That's good." "It is good," Derek smiled. "It was a baby," Addison said firmly. "A baby that...he didn't even want it. He got to have a baby and he didn't want it." "Not everyone does," Derek shrugged. "Until they can't," Addison said after a moment. "Until...what?" Derek frowned. "Nothing," Addison shook her head. "I'm meeting Mark for lunch. I'll see you two later." She turned and walked quickly away. "That was weird," Derek sighed. "Very," Meredith agreed, grabbing his arm to stop him as she leaned against the wall, taking a deep breath. "Mer, you have to get this checked out," he sighed. "I...give it another few days," she murmured. "It gets better sometimes." "Fine. Another few days and if you're still like this, we're getting you looked at. I refuse to be in Mr. Hanes's position." "You won't be," she smiled slightly. "You don't know that," he frowned, pulling her into an on call room. "I can't wait in a waiting room while someone else tries to save your life." "Derek...it's nausea. With a little bit of dizzyness. You're not going to have to wait in a waiting room while someone else tries to save my life." "Mer...we have no idea what's wrong with you. Do you have any idea how terrifying that is to me?" "I know. But it's...it's nothing." "Mer...you don't know that. And I can't... I can't lose you." "You're not going to lose me," she shook her head as she fell onto the bed, her hand moving to her lower back as she rubbed. "Really?" he asked, sitting down beside her and pushing her hands out of the way as he rubbed her back. "Because you know exactly what's wrong with you?" "No. But it's not serious. I would know if it were serious." "How would you know that?" "Because I'm a doctor, Derek," Meredith snapped. "And doctors can't self diagnose." "I could. And I'm telling you, it's not serious. It's an ulcer. Or just some stress-related something. Because I've been stressed. I've been completely stressed for the last two months and...it's stress. That's all it is. It's stress. Stress messes with the immune system and that's what's going on. The stress messed with my immune system." "What if it's something worse, Mer?" he asked quietly. "Derek, seriously, drop it." "No, Mer. I'm not. What if...we have no idea what's wrong with you. Have you not even thought of it?" "No," she shook her head. "I've been too busy being a resident. I've been too busy raising a ten year old who has friend drama and has a crush on a boy in her class. And I've been busy worrying about Mark and Addie because something is going on there and I have no idea what. And I've been busy worrying about us. Because we don't talk anymore. We're becoming that couple that doesn't talk." "We need to talk," he sighed. "Maybe...talking might help you feel better." "About the thing?" she breathed. "Yeah, about the thing." "Okay." "I can't...I have post ops and work but...we need to talk. And we can't...I hate this. We can't keep doing this. No I don't know. No putting it off till later. Really talk." "No more avoiding," she shrugged slightly as she moved to lay down on the bed. "No more avoiding," he nodded. "Because this is killing us." "It can't...we're...we're us." "I know we are," he smiled, shifting to lay down beside her. "But we've been kind of depressed us recently and I hate it." "Me too." "Hannah has that birthday party next weekend. If we don't find time before then...that's the day. We're talking." "Okay," she murmured. "Next weekend. Really talking." "Good," he nodded. "And hopefully that helps you feel better." "I hope so." "And if it doesn't...we're going to the doctors." "We are doctors," she giggled quietly, wrapping her arms around him. "Other doctors, goof," he laughed softly, drawing her up against him. "Fine, other doctors." "Thank you," he breathed. "Just taking care of my everything." "I love you, Derek Shepherd," she murmured as her eyes began to close, her hand moving from around his waist to her stomach. "I love you too, Meredith Shepherd," he whispered, his hands gently stroking her back as he cuddled close to her. loves been a long time coming didn't know i was lost til you found me



oncetherewasaway	Dec 4 2007, 08:48 PM Post #5
McEditor Posts: 1,625 Group: .Grey Girls. Member #23 Joined: October 25, 2006	Disclaimer: Let's face it...if we owned Grey's Anatomy Meredith and Derek would probably be married by now with a billion kids. But we don't own the show so instead we get stuck with Rose. Sigh. Side note....this update lightly touches on abortion...very very lighty but it is suggested in a tiny way, just so you know. (if you don't want to read...PM us and we can tell you briefly what happened as it's important for plot) Meredith leaned against her cubby as she reached blindly for a scrub top, wondering what would happen if she actually vomited today. Because she was pretty sure it was getting to that point. She had been feeling worse than usual all morning, though she definitely hadn't told Derek. If she told Derek, he'd drag her to the doctor's and she'd never get work done. But she definitely felt worse. It was nothing. She didn't have to go to the doctors, it would be a completely useless trip. She was stressed. Hers and Derek's big relationship changing talk was growing closer and closer and she was dreading it. That was the only reason she was getting worse and that was nothing to talk to Derek about. She would be fine. They would talk and there would be yelling and it would be bad but they would be fine. He didn't need to know that she was too tired to actually move, and he definitely didn't need to know that she was probably going to vomit at any second. Those were not things her husband needed to know. Her husband was about to find out she didn't want kids, that was probably bad enough without adding on the fact that she felt like crap. Of course, maybe he wouldn't yell as much if he knew. It was going to be bad. Her stomach turned even more just thinking of what was coming. She'd tell him she didn't want kids and they were going to have the worst fight of their relationship. They'd survive it, they had to survive it. Because Derek was right, they were them. And nothing could destroy them. But this nothing was possibly big and entirely devastating. There was no way he'd be okay with it. She groaned as she pulled her top over her head, taking a deep breath as she felt the vomit rise in her throat. She was not going to throw up. Throwing up was bad. It was gross and bad and she really shouldn't be stressing this much over the fight. They'd figure it out. They had to. They were them. And they had a daughter. And it wasn't like he'd divorce her for not wanting kids. She was his Sheila Hanes or something. She had to stop worrying. If she stopped worrying the nausea would just go away and she could get through her day. That was all that mattered. She would get through today. And the next couple of days and they would talk. Talking was good. It would be fine and things would be okay. They were Meredith and Derek. As long as she didn't throw up before the talk. As that would make him worry more. She took another deep breath as she pulled away from the support of her cubby, fighting off the nausea and the dizziness. Ulcers or stress or whatever the hell this was sucked. She had to get through today. That was all she needed. She grabbed her lab coat and opened the door, jumping slightly when she saw Lexie. "Hey, Lex," she murmured. "Hey Mer," Lexie sighed. "What's up?" she asked as she closed the door quickly behind her and struggled to pull on her lab coat. Maybe anti-anxiety meds would work or something. "Nothing, I have..." Lexie frowned. "Did you pull on the wrong shirt?" "What?" Meredith looked down at her scrub shirt. "It's...kind of really tight." "It's..." she stared at it for a second. "Okay, maybe I did. I wasn't really paying attention." "Oh," Lexie nodded. "I need to bitch. Can I bitch?" "What did Alex do?" Meredith sighed as she pulled her hair back in a ponytail. God, she felt like crap. Really crap. Worse crap than she had felt yesterday. "He's an ass," Lexie sighed. "He's just...why am I dating him?" "I'm going to pretend you don't want an answer to that," Meredith murmured as they started walking, hoping her sister would slow down a little. Walking fast only made the nausea seem worse. "What did he do?" "He was flirting with a nurse. Except he swears to God that it wasn't flirting and he was just trying to get her to do something or other for him. But he was flirting. He was definitely flirting and all...smiled and leaning. I think he's been around Derek too much. But definitely flirting." "Ass," Meredith offered weakly. "Complete ass," Lexie rolled her eyes. "And it was that slutty nurse. You know the one? She told him exactly how many surgeries they had scrubbed in on together. Creepy, right, that's creepy?" "Completely creepy." "I'm his girlfriend and I don't even know that. That's like...I think she's a stalker. I swear she must go home and write about him in her diary or something. It's creepy. She's stalking him. She's stalking my boyfriend and he's flirting. The ass was completely flirting." "With creepy stalker nurse." "Yes," Lexie nodded. "And he acts like I'm crazy. He's sitting there and acting like I'm some kind of weirdo that's clingy and controlling and paranoid. I'm not paranoid. My boyfriend or soon to be ex-boyfriend was flirting and acts like I'm in the wrong. He's an ass." "Hmmm hmmm," Meredith nodded carefully, her hand moving over her stomach. "Oh God, what did Derek do? He's an ass too, isn't he? Men. I swear, they're all asses. Every one of them...ass. What did he do?" "What?" Meredith breathed and then shook her head quickly. "He didn't do anything. He's...he didn't do anything." "That's what you always say." "He didn't, Lex. He's been...Dereky and perfect and...he didn't do anything." "Then what exactly is your problem? Because you're being all like you are when he's an ass." "I...crap," she gasped as the vomit came up in her throat and she stopped, grabbing the trashcan by the nurses� station as she vomited, her body shaking. "Mer...are you...what's wrong?" Lexie asked, walking behind her and rubbing her back. "Ulcer or something," Meredith coughed as she spit out the remaining amounts of vomit, looking around at the people who were staring at her. "Ulcer." "You've been feeling like crap for weeks. Derek told me. And now you're vomiting." "Ulcers do that, Lex," Meredith rolled her eyes as she looked apologetically at Debbie before turning and going towards the nearest washroom. She leaned over the sink, trying to catch her breath. "They do," Lexie nodded. "But...Derek said I was supposed to tell him if things got worse." "Don't you dare tell him," Meredith shook her head, her eyes widening as she turned and went into the stall, the vomit coming up again. "Mer...you can't keep this from him. He's worried about you. I'm worried about you." "I'm fine, Lex. It's just...I'm tired and stressed and it's screwing with my immune system." "How long have you been sick for?" Lexie frowned. "A few weeks," Lexie groaned. "Mer, you need to talk to Derek and get this checked. A few weeks isn't normal and it's getting worse." "Okay, you need to stop talking to my husband. He's all protective and...I'm fine. It's stress. That's it," Meredith sighed and then frowned. "Crap. Now I have to pee. Again." "Again?" Lexie frowned. "This isn't stress, Mer." "It's stress," Meredith nodded. "Though the peeing thing...weird. Definitely weird. I peed twice before we left the house and then when I got here and now again. That's weird. But the rest of it...stress. I've been stressed." "Stress doesn't make you pee." "Maybe the peeing has nothing to do with the stress and I just have to pee." "That's...." Lexie frowned and then her eyes widened. "Oh my god." "What?" "Peeing. Nausea. You're tired, you're kind of cranky. You're boobs are definitely bigger. Mer...when was your last period?" "What?" Meredith paused, turning to stare at her sister. "No...I...that's...Lexie, no. I am not...no." "You...the symptoms, Mer. You...they're all there. All there. You're...oh...." "I...I know I got it..." Meredith frowned and then her own eyes widened. "Oh crap." "How long ago, Mer?" "Um...I...almost two months ago." "Meredith!" "That could be stress though," Meredith said quickly. "That could totally be stress. Three months ago I...I mean, I missed a period and it was stress and then I got it and then Derek and I had sex on the kitchen...oh crap." "I'm going to get a test," Lexie smiled. "What?" "You need to take a test...because...you could...wow, Mer." "I might not be. That would be...crap." "You might not be. And you might be." "Okay," Meredith breathed, sliding down the wall. She couldn't be...she wasn't. She was on the pill. The pill. There was no way..."Okay, test. But not hospital test." "I can run to the drugstore across the street." "Okay." "Should I page Derek?" "What?" Meredith looked up quickly. "No. Definitely...he has a surgery. And I don't want to get him...if it's false. So...no Derek." "Okay," Lexie nodded. "I'll be right back." "Okay," Meredith breathed as her sister ran out of the bathroom. She couldn't be pregnant. She couldn't be. There was no way. She was just stressed. Really, really stupid stressed because of everything and...there was no way. Or there was a way. Maybe. Small way. But she hadn't skipped any pills. And...she couldn't be. She probably wasn't. Lexie was probably just being...Lexie. She hadn't had her period in nearly two months but that didn't mean anything. Stress made periods stop, they did it all the time. And stressed messed with your immune system. It was fine. She was just stressed. She couldn't be pregnant. She never missed a pill, she took it religiously and they were careful. She couldn't be pregnant. That would bad, really really bad. They hadn't talked yet. She didn't want kids. Derek did...but she didn't. Or Derek didn't want them right now. He had been happy last time. But he wanted kids and she didn't and...they hadn't talked yet. They had time to talk. This was just...okay, so she had the symptoms. Her boobs were bigger and she had been swatting Derek's hand away a lot during sex because they were tender but...she couldn't be pregnant. She had the symptoms but that didn't actually mean she was. Because if she was it would be some horrible way of karma kicking them both in the bum for not talking before. They had kept putting it off. That's what this was. They had put it off and now God was making her stress look like a pregnancy to teach them both a lesson so they'd start talking again. She couldn't actually be pregnant. She groaned as her stomach rolled again and she quickly moved to the toilet as the vomit came up, coughing hard. This could be anything. It really could. This might not be pregnancy. And if it was pregnancy...she wasn't going to think about that. Because it wasn't pregnancy. She wasn't pregnant. That was ridiculous. Completely and totally ridiculous. She was not pregnant. "Got it," Lexie announced as she re-entered the washroom. "I ran into Derek and had to lie to him." "What did you say?" Meredith groaned as she grabbed the bag from Lexie's hand, retreating back into the stall to relieve her bladder. "That I had no idea where you were." "He's looking for me?" "Yeah," Lexie shrugged. "The usual worrying about you thing." "Great," Meredith sighed as her pager went off. "Of course it's him. I'm telling him I'm with a patient." "You're going to lie to your husband?" "It's not lying...it's...hiding." "So much better." "Exactly," Meredith nodded as she exited the stall. "Three minutes." "Three minutes," Lexie smiled. "Wow." "Yeah," Meredith sighed as she leaned against the wall again. Not pregnant. It would say she wasn't pregnant and then she would go get checked out. It just had to say not pregnant. "This is so...amazing." "Hmmm..." "This is just...so...wow." "Wow," Meredith echoed monotonously as she stared at the test on the counter. She wasn't pregnant. She wasn't. It wasn't even possible. She took the pill. She always took the pill. She couldn't even remember a day in the past year when she hadn't. "How long has it been?" "Two minutes," Meredith sighed, still staring at the test. "And you're going to look." "I can look," Lexie nodded. "Just...I mean...stand next to it, or whatever. And don't do the whole waiting thing. Just...I mean, it's going to say not pregnant," Meredith sighed as Lexie moved over to pick up the test. "You have all the symptoms, Mer." "Which could mean anything." "No, it means pregnant." "Does the test say that or do you say that?" "At the moment...me. Give it a minute." "Fine," Meredith breathed. She wasn't pregnant. She definitely wasn't pregnant. There was no way. She was sick and stressed and...she didn't actually have an explanation for the boob thing. She hadn't been eating more or anything. The boob thing was just weird. And maybe she was PMSing. That was possible. She definitely wasn't pregnant. And the test would say so once the longest minute in the history of minutes ended. "Mer...you may want to keep breathing. We still have thirty seconds." "Seriously?" "Seriously," Lexie nodded. "I...this is ridiculous," Meredith groaned. "Just look at it." "Okay," Lexie nodded, leaning over. "Oh." "It says no pregnant, right? I mean...it says not pregnant and you were wrong. Hence the oh thing because you hate being wrong but you're wrong because it's just stress so...not pregnant." "Mer...you're....you're...it says...pregnant. You're pregnant." "What?" Meredith breathed. "No. No. I...it's wrong. It...false positive. Did you...why didn't you buy another one?" "I didn't...we can get your blood checked." "Addison," Meredith nodded, her heart racing. "Addison. We...I'm not pregnant, Lexie. I'm not pregnant. It's wrong. Definitely...it's wrong. It's completely wrong because I'm on the pill and there's no way I'm part of the .1% or whatever. No. I am not pregnant. I can't be pregnant. Addison. We have to...I'm not pregnant." "This says differently." "Well, it's wrong, Lexie," Meredith snapped. "Addison. We're going to see Addison." "Okay," Lexie frowned. "Why aren't you happy?" "I'm...because it's false. I know it's false." "We'll go find Addison," Lexie nodded. "Should I page Derek now?" "No," Meredith said firmly. "You are not...no paging Derek. No. Because...you can't. Because if I am he...I want to tell him at home. At home where there aren't people and...no." "Oh of course," Lexie nodded. "Just the two of you, I get it." "Exactly. Just...and it doesn't matter because I'm not pregnant. You probably got some cheap ass pregnancy test and I'm not...I'm not pregnant." "We'll find Addison...because you're definitely pregnant." "No, I'm not," Meredith shook her head, throwing open the bathroom door. "And...don't say that word. Here. People will...and I'm not. It's wrong. Totally wrong. Completely wrong. I'm not...I'm stressed." "Won't say a thing...but...you might be." "I'm not." "You might be.' \ "Lexie...I'm not," Meredith said firmly as she moved up the stairs as fast as she could, her nausea now a dull wave in her stomach. There was no way. She wasn't. It was stupid and...she should have gotten a test herself. Cheap tests with false positives were...they should all be burned or something. "Dr. Montgomery Sloan?" Lexie asked, knocking at the door of Addison's office. "Addison," Meredith threw open the door to find Addison at her desk doing paperwork. "Meredith, Lexie," Addison smiled. "What...you're not on my service." "No, I'm not," Meredith sighed. "But...I need a fake chart." "You need a fake chart?" "Well, I need bloodwork. And then a fake chart." "What are you talking about?" "I...I've been feeling off and Lexie thinks I'm pregnant..." "No, the pregnancy test thinks you're pregnant," Lexie sighed. "Okay, fine, the cheap, crap pregnancy test gave me a false positive," Meredith groaned. "And I need...I need you to do a blood test and show I'm not because clearly the test is cheap and I should have gotten it myself instead of sending my sister but...anyway, bloodwork. And a fake chart. And bloodwork under a fake name." "You're...pregnant?" Addison breathed. "No!" Meredith gasped as she fell into a chair, her hand over her stomach as it rolled. "No. I am not...the stupid pregnancy test is stupid and cheap and it said I was but I'm not. I'm definitely not pregnant." "We'll get you for a blood test," Addison nodded. "But...fake chart?" "I...the hospital gossips. You know that and Derek...I want to tell him. If I am. Which I'm not. And if I'm not and the stupid lab guy tells someone I am while the test is being done...everyone will know before Derek and he'll hear about it during surgery from Alex's skanky stalkery scrub nurse." "She is not Alex's skanky stalkery scrub nurse," Lexie rolled her eyes. "Though she can have him." "My point is," Meredith sighed, "Derek will freak and...fake chart. And fake name." "We could just page him," Addison suggested. "He'd want to know about this." "No," Meredith shook her head quickly. "I...home. Just us. Not...not the whole hospital." "Okay," Addison nodded. "Fake chart. But only because you're family." "Thank you," Meredith sighed and then grabbed Addison's trash can as she vomited. "Crap." "Mer...how long since your last period?" Addison frowned. "Um...seven weeks, I think?" Meredith breathed. "Almost two months." "Meredith..." Addison sighed. "Stress, Addie. I have been stressed." "What are your other symptoms?" "I...nausea, vomiting," Meredith sighed. "I've been completely exhausted but that's...I mean, that's stress. And I have to pee every five minutes but...okay, that's not stress but..." "Blood work," Addison nodded, getting out of her chair. "Come on." "Okay," Meredith murmured as she and Lexie followed Addison out of the room and into an exam room where Addison closed the blinds and locked the door. "I'll rush these results for you," Addison sighed, gesturing to the exam table. "Sit." "And fake name, Addie," Meredith sighed as she sat on the exam table. "Fake name. Like...Mary Brown or something stupid and...something." "I'll use a fake name. We don't need Meredith Shepherd having a chart floating around." "Exactly," Meredith nodded as Addison took her blood. "And then, Addie...I mean, obviously something's wrong so maybe...I mean, personal consult or something?" "Personal consult?" Addison raised an eyebrow. "Just...don't tell anyone and...give me an exam," Meredith sighed. "I'm not pregnant but I am...I mean, I'm sick and Derek's worried and I'm kind of...so since I'm not pregnant you can give me an exam and we can go from there." "If you're not pregnant I'm not sure I'll be the best person to do the exam, Meredith." "Just...you're my friend and family. You're family so...just do the exam. Because I'm not pregnant. I can't be. I'm on the pill." "People on the pill get pregnant all the time." "It's .1%, Addison." "Which is enough." "Addison...test. Bloodwork." "Doing it," Addison nodded. "And it's only .1% with perfect use." "I have been perfect use. I'm obsessive about it because Derek and I had a scare and...obsessive, Addison. Every night." "Okay," Addison sighed. "I'll go get this checked. And I suggest you rest in my office till I have the results." "Fine," Meredith murmured, hopping off the exam table and making her way back to Addison's office. This test would say not pregnant. It had to. It wasn't a cheap pregnancy test from the drugstore. It was...it was the hospital. So the hospital would say not pregnant and she'd be okay and...well, probably be diagnosed with an ulcer. But otherwise, okay. There was no way she was pregnant. Derek mocked her for how diligent she was about making sure she took the pill every time the same night. Which she figured he wouldn't be mocking her if he had any idea how desperate she was to make sure that she didn't get pregnant as it was the last thing she wanted to be. Which was why being pregnant now would be really really bad. But it didn't matter, because she wasn't. She wasn't pregnant. She was nauseous, dizzy, and exhausted but that didn't mean pregnant. The boobs thing was weird but...she was probably PMSing. Or the pill was doing something weird. She wasn't pregnant. There was no way in hell she was pregnant. Addison would come back and tell her she wasn't pregnant and she could worry about other things. Like the conversation that was coming up with Derek and the fact she definitely had an ulcer. She had an ulcer, nothing worse and she'd probably be ordered to relax or something or maybe surgery but that was fine. She could handle that. And her and Derek would talk and go back to being her and Derek and she wouldn't get any more ulcers. The happy bubble would be back. She fell back on Addison's couch, her hands covering her eyes as she listened to Lexie ramble about nurseries and names and...this was stupid. Her sister had bought her a cheap pregnancy test and now she was talking about names. And Addison was rushing bloodwork. She was definitely not pregnant. She had an ulcer from all the stress and things would stop being stressful and the ulcer would go away. "Mer...do you...you're okay, right?" Lexie asked. "I'm fine, Lex." "Okay," Lexie nodded. "Wonder how much longer it will be." "No idea," Meredith breathed just as Addison walked in. "Addie...I'm not, right?" "Well...actually....you are," Addison smiled. "Congrats." "Con...crap," Meredith groaned. "Are you...I mean...false positives? Can they...they happen with hospitals, right? Or maybe mixed up blood or...crap." "It's your blood and it's... you're pregnant." "Crap," Meredith breathed as Lexie grinned. "Crap." "Crap? How is this crap?" Lexie frowned. "I...I can't be pregnant. I can't be. I mean...Addison, I can't. I can't be pregnant." "Your blood says differently," Addison shrugged. "But...I'm a doctor. I'm a doctor. I would know if I'm pregnant." "Well actually...7 weeks, Mer? How did you not notice?" Addison asked. "I don't...stress." "But...you and Derek," Lexie frowned. "You're both doctors. How...how the hell did you not notice?" "I don't...stress. We thought it was..." "It didn't even cross your mind?" Addison asked. "No," Meredith murmured. "You've been on my service for the last month," Addison sighed. "How did I not notice?" "That's a great question," Meredith smirked slightly. "Crap." "Crap?" Lexie asked. "You're having a baby...with Derek. How is that crap?" "We haven't...we don't...I don't...we haven't talked about it." "Haven't talked about what?" Addison asked. "Babies...kids...whether or not..." Meredith groaned. "I mean, he wants them. And I...I don't. But we haven't talked about that." "You've never talked about babies?" "Not really. No." "But...how long have you been married? Like...2 years?" "Almost." "And...no talk?" "We...we were going to. Since the scare or whatever we've been...thinking." "Thinking?" Lexie asked. "I...we kept saying I don't know because I didn't want to tell him..." Meredith trailed off. "I don't want another kid. We have Hannah and I'm a resident and I...I don't want more. I don't. And he probably does because he's Derek and I didn't want to hurt him but now I'm pregnant and I..." "You don't want to be pregnant," Lexie said slowly. "I don't want to be pregnant." "No," Addison shook her head. "Don't even think it. You're having this baby." "Addison, I..." "You can't give this baby up." "I don't want..." "You're pregnant," Addison sighed. "And that...this is a blessing. That's...you don't get to not want this baby." "A blessing?" Meredith groaned. "I don't want more kids. I don't. We're happy with Hannah. We're great with Hannah and I don't..." "You're having a baby. You know how many women would kill to have a baby?" "Okay...but, I wouldn't." "I'm not doing anything until you talk to Derek." "Addison..." "Meredith, this is your baby. Your's and Derek's and I'm not doing anything until Derek knows there's a baby." "I...he'll want it. He wants kids. I know he does." "Do you...you have to tell him, Mer," Lexie murmured. "I..." Meredith breathed, taking her hand away from her stomach. "I know. I will. I will tell him but...I don't..." "You have to talk to him," Addison shrugged. "I'm going to, Addison," Meredith nodded. "But I'm a resident and...and I don't want a baby. I don't think...I mean...I know it's a baby but I don't..." "It's your's and Derek's baby." "I know." "You can't..." Addison sighed. "Talk to your husband." "Okay. I...I'll talk to him. Soonish. I mean, if I'm...the sex...six weeks. That means I have six weeks to...to make a decision, right?" "Meredith..." Lexie breathed. "You can't...no..." "Just...I have six weeks?" "Yes, you have six weeks," Addison nodded. "I don't suggest waiting six weeks." "I'm not going to." "We could page him," Lexie suggested. "There's private places in the hospital and you two know them." "No," Meredith shook her head quickly. "This is...this is a big talk and...we're talking on Friday. I...I'll tell him on Friday." "Friday?" Lexie frowned. "Friday," Meredith murmured. "Hannah has a birthday party and if we're going to fight...Friday. I'll tell him Friday." "Fine, Friday," Addison nodded. "If he hasn't been told by Monday I'll make sure he accidentally finds out." "You're my doctor." "And I'm your family." "Addison...you're my doctor. Doctor patient confidentiality." "If he accidentally finds out, that's not my fault." "Addie..." Meredith groaned. "It doesn't matter. I'm telling him Friday. Just...don't tell Mark. You tell Mark everything and...he'll tell Derek. So don't...and Lexie, you can't tell anyone. I'm telling him Friday." "I'll keep it quiet," Lexie nodded. "Okay," Meredith sighed. "Okay. Friday." "After you talk to him you're going to have to set a real appointment," Addison sighed. "I know," Meredith nodded. "And discuss...options or whatever." "Options," Addison frowned. "Addison..." "Fine, it's up to you and Derek." "Me and Derek..." Meredith breathed as her pager went off. "It's the pit. I have to go." "Okay," Addison nodded. "And slow down a bit." "I will," Meredith nodded. "Bye, Addison. I'll um...I'll call you. Saturday for an appointment." "Good," Addison nodded. "Bye, Lex," Meredith murmured as she stepped out of Addison's office. She was pregnant. Pregnant. She was having a baby. Or had a baby inside her or...she couldn't have a baby. She didn't even want a kid but Derek would want it and...she was pregnant. Which was the very last thing in the world she wanted to be. And now she had to tell Derek. Who was going to be ecstatic. And then she wasn't exactly sure what she was supposed to do after that. Her husband would be the happiest man alive and she would than have to crush him and tell him she didn't want this. She loved her life. She loved her daughter but she had no idea how to be a mother of a baby. A baby would need her and would depend on her and she didn't want that. She didn't know how to want that. This made the talk Friday completely different. Completely. Because...not wanting kids was one thing but actually not wanting the baby...that was...it would ruin them. It would completely and totally ruin them. He would hate her. He would resent her. It changed everything. And she could act happy. She could. Except she'd end up like that patient she had had who didn't even want a baby but had one because her husband wanted one. And that wasn't what she wanted to do. They couldn't become that couple. Because she would resent Derek for the rest of her life and Derek was her...Derek. He was her everything and she couldn't resent him. And if she didn't keep the baby he would resent her. This was bad. This was crap. She wasn't supposed to be pregnant. She had been so careful trying to make sure that she didn't get pregnant. And yet she was. She frowned as she stood in the elevator, her hand lightly resting on her still flat stomach. She was pregnant. She was pregnant with hers and Derek's baby which had apparently been conceived against a kitchen counter with sex that had left them both with bruises and scratches for a week afterwards. It was...this was karma. This was stupid karma for not talking about babies and for having sex instead. And now nothing was ever going to be the same again. They would talk and everything would change. Their little perfect existence was about to come to a crashing halt and she didn't want that. They were Meredith and Derek. She wasn't even sure exactly what that meant but she liked being half of Meredith and Derek. They couldn't go through this and come out as Meredith and Derek at the end. She couldn't think about this now. She couldn't think about the baby inside her or what this meant or...she had to work. She had to work and she had to try to avoid Derek. Because he would be Derek-y and concerned and she might blurt it out and she couldn't do that. So she had to work and not think about any of this. She'd think about it Friday. Friday would be a good time to think about it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Meredith's stomach flipped as she pulled into the driveway and she stared at her house, contemplating running away for the night. Because Hannah was gone to her friends and wasn't going to be home until tomorrow. And it was Friday. She had been dreading Friday since the blood test results. Her and Derek were going to talk and not about what Derek expected them to talk about. She had spent most of the last few days trying to find excuses to stay at work. And trying to hide the vomiting. And the peeing. She was doing pretty well. He had only heard her throw up once, and she had managed to convince him it was nothing, or at least gotten him off her back about it by snapping at him. Which she hated. But they were going to talk today and...it wasn't good. He had been so worried recently and she knew he was already terrified about how this talk would go. For the last week he had been distracted and jumpy. He had asked her constantly if she was okay. And she said she was. Now he was going to find out she wasn't okay. He was actually going to find out what exactly was wrong with her and he was going to be thrilled. And then she'd tell him. She'd tell him she didn't want to be pregnant and they'd yell and scream and...she fully expected this to be it. Expected him to take Hannah and go. Or something. She wasn't actually sure he could do that considering she was Hannah's mom but...he was going to hate her. He was really going to hate her. "Der?" she called as she went into the house. "In the living room," he called back. Living room. He was in the living room. Probably ready to talk and tell her he wanted kids and she'd tell him...she had to tell him. He couldn't find out by accident. She had to tell him. Had to tell him she was pregnant and...it was bad. It was completely bad. "Hey," she tried to smile as she walked into the living room. "Hey," he smiled awkwardly from his place in front of the fireplace, his hands in his pockets and his hair a complete mess. "You've been...are you...Hannah's at Jenny's." "Good, that's...good," he nodded. "Yeah." "So...we should...umm...talk," he murmured as he walked toward the couch, gesturing for her to follow. "We should," she breathed, trying to swallow down the vomit. Morning sickness sucked. And who ever named it morning sickness deserved to die. "How are you feeling?" he asked, grabbing her hand and pulling her onto the couch beside him. "I..." she trailed off. Now would be good. Now would be perfect. But she couldn't actually say it. Not now. "Fine. I'm fine." "Good," he nodded, taking a deep breath, ducking his head down to kiss her gently. "I love you." "I love you too," she murmured as tears pooled in her eyes. That would not be the last time he said it. It wouldn't. They were...them. This would not break them. "Mer..." he breathed, squeezing the hand that was still entwined in his firmly. "This will be okay." "Yeah," she murmured, ducking her head down. "I know." "So...we should...fix this. Talk and get back to...fixing this." "Fix this..." she murmured. She had to tell him. She had to completely break this and tell him. "I got...wine," he suddenly said, gesturing toward a large bottle of wine on the table and two glasses. Wine. He had...she couldn't... "Derek," she murmured, pushing the wine away and looking up at him, "about the thing." "Yeah?" "I...I know what's wrong with me," she blurted out. "You do?" he asked, turning to look at her more carefully, his hand squeezing hers again. "Mer...whatever it is...we'll be together. The best specialists or whatever you need and we can...whatever it is, I'm here. We can beat this." "No," she shook her head quickly. "No...it's not...Derek, it's not bad. Well it might be. But it's not....physically I'm okay. Physically..." She took a deep breath, squeezing his hand as she looked down at her lap, her stomach rolling slightly. Her other hand moved over it, rubbing it slightly, trying to calm the nausea before stopping. "Derek, I'm...I'm pregnant." Cause this is the day that everything changes and the world stops turning Disclaimer: We clearly don't own the show. As Rose was no where near the ambulance. As Derek was no where near the ambulance and apparently Rose goes where Derek goes. God, she's a creepy stalker. And a stripper. Well she would be if we owned the show. Pregnant. The word was bouncing around in his head even though he wasn't sure he heard it right. He assumed he did from the strange numbness that had evaded his legs and arms. She had probably said it. He wasn't sure why he would have thought it if she didn't say it. "You...you're...pregnant?" he finally managed to gasp out. "Yeah," she breathed, still staring at her lap. "Um...about...about six weeks. Well, almost seven now." "Seven...seven...weeks...you...pregnant," he nodded slowly. "Yeah." "Crap.� "Crap?" she looked up quickly. "Crap?" "I...I..." Derek cleared his throat, squeezing her hand. "This is...we...there was...no plan and now...we haven't talked." "I know we haven't," Meredith murmured. "I know. We haven't...we should have. Because if we had we wouldn't have had sex and then karma wouldn't have...we should have but we didn't and now...now I'm pregnant." "You're...pregnant," Derek breathed. "I'm pregnant." "Pregnant." "Pregnant," she echoed, biting on her lower lip. "This is...I don't even know what this is," he shook his head. "Just...say something or..." she trailed off. "We...just say something." "I don't," he sighed, running his free hand through her hair. "You're...how? You...I made fun of you because you had that damn alarm on your cell to make sure you didn't miss it. You never missed it. You're like the Pill nazi or something. How? How did this...you...are you sure? You're sure you're pregnant?" "I'm sure," she nodded. "I...Lexie bought a test and then I went to Addison and there was fake names and fake charts and...I'm sure." "Fake names?" "I didn't want...I didn't want the hospital gossip whatever ot know so...fake names. My name was fake. It wasn't Meredith Shepherd it was...I don't actually know what it was. But it was fake." "Oh." "Yeah," she breathed. "At least...you're not dying," he whispered, squeezing her hand again. "I had a worst case scenario and this isn't it...you're not dying." "I'm not dying," she smiled slightly. "Just...just pregnant." "Which...that talk that we keep putting off...that....we need to talk." "That's why...I know," she nodded. "So...I...do you want it?" "I..." she frowned, her hand immediately going to her stomach, wrapping her arm over it protectively. It was something he had seen Hannah's mom do a thousand times during her pregnancy and his heart skipped a beat. "I don't think so." "You...you don't?" he breathed, feeling his heart pounding in his chest. "I don't think so," she breathed, her arm wrapping tighter around her body. "Do...do you?" "I...no, no, I don't think so either," he shook his head. "You...you don't?" she breathed, finally looking up at him, though he could swear her arm moved even tighter. "No," he whispered, resisting the urge to reach out for her stomach. "I don't think I do." "Oh," she gasped slightly. "Oh." "I'm...Hannah and you and work and everything...it's good, Mer. I'm...I have everything I want," he murmured. "Me too," she nodded, loosening her arm slightly as her hand moved over her stomach. "I'm happy with...with everything." "So you don't...you don't want a baby..." "I don't think so." "I..." he laughed softly. "We haven't talked for weeks because we were too terrified to tell each other the same thing. I was...terrified you wanted a baby and you didn't and now....oh god, karma." "Karma," she nodded slowly. "You're...pregnant." "I'm pregnant," Meredith breathed. "And you...you don't want a baby. We...we don't want a baby." "Which...it...this is a problem." "Definitely a problem," she murmured, a frown overcoming her features as she rubbed her belly. "You...how are you feeling? The stress of this conversation...that's not good," he shook his head. "Are you okay?" "I'm fine, Derek," she whispered, looking up at him. "We're talking and...I'm fine." "Okay," he nodded. "You don't...lay down? Or water? Do you need anything?" "No," she shook her head. "I don't need anything. I just...I'm pregnant. And you...we don't want our...the baby. We don't want it so..." "What do we do?" "Do?" she looked up at him and her hand tightened against her abdomen. "I mean...I don't know. I...we could...but I don't know." "I...I don't...we coud but...I don't know either," he shook his head. "We...we have five weeks." "Five weeks? Five...oh." "Yeah," she murmured. "So...I mean...god, this is...you're pregnant and we don't...this is bad." "Very bad," she sighed. "Very, very, very bad." "It's....at least we're in this...together. We're together." "Together," she whispered, squeezing his hand. "So I guess we should...my head is...racing." "Mine's been racing since Tuesday." "Tuesday? You've known since Tuesday?" "Yeah." "You...how did you...you didn't tell me." "You don't get to be mad," she looked up quickly. "I...I had to figure it out. I had to wrap my mind around it or whatever. And telling you...I thought you wanted kids. I thought you wanted more and I wanted to pretend for a little bit longer that I wasn't about to ruin us." "Oh Mer," he breathed, brushing her cheek with his hand. "You...not mad, I can't be mad. And even if...I don't more kids but if I did...and you didn't, that would be okay. I would have...nothing can ruin us." "That would have," she whispered. "That would have ruined us. I wouldn't have been able...it would have ruined us. You can't say it wouldn't. It would have. Because I would have resented you or you would have resented me and...it doesn't matter. Because I'm pregnant and neither of us want it so..." "Mer, it does matter. I love you. I love you more than anything. If I had wanted kids and you didn't...I have Hannah. I would have dealt with it because us being ruined, kind of not an option for me." "It's not an option for me either," she sighed. "Good," he nodded. "And this...I think...I need time to process or...something. Wrap my head around it." "It's not easy," she warned. "Wrapping your head around it. I...I don't think I have yet." "So you need time too," he sighed. "We need...time...to think." "Again." "Again but this...this definitely isn't avoiding. I just...I can't make any concrete decisions when my brain is screaming baby over and over again in an entirely terrified voice. It's distracting and I...we...thinking is kind of...appropriate." "It's kind of huge." "Just a little." "So thinking...we have to think." "Thinking," he nodded. "Who knows?" "Lexie and Addison." "Okay," he nodded. "Okay," she took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "Come here," he murmured, tugging on her hand as he reached his other arm out. "Hmmm," she sighed as she cuddled into his chest, one hand still in his, the other still on her abdomen. "You...you came into this conversation thinking it was the end of us," he whispered. "I did," she nodded, a tear slipping down her cheek. "You...god, that must have been terrifying," he murmured. "I considered running away." "I would have found you." "It would have taken you a while." "Nope," he shook his head. "I have Meredith radar." "Of course you do," she rolled her eyes, giggling slightly. "Never, Mer," he whispered, looking down at her. "I said 110 years old in your arms and you agreed to it. I plan to hold you to that." "I still find that slightly weird that you think you're going to live to 110," she smiled at him. "You'll see," he grinned. "I'm sure I will," she giggled again. "I love you." "I love you too." "We'll...be okay. We'll figure this out." "We'll figure it out," she nodded, and he tried not to flinch as he felt her body tighten her so slightly in his as she wrapped her arm protectively around her midsection again. "Together," he murmured. "Together," she breathed and then suddenly pulled out of his arms, jumping off the couch and running to the washroom. Derek sighed to himself as he followed close behind. This was better. It was ever so slightly better because at least now he didn't feel worry through out his entire body. She wasn't sick, she wasn't dying, she was pregnant. They could figure out some way to deal with pregnant. "I'm here," he whispered, as he reached her as and his hands pulled her hair back. "I...sorry," she gasped as she heaved into the toilet, her small body shaking. "Don't be," he shook his head, his other hand rubbing her back. "It happens." "It...it happens," she breathed as she coughed slightly before falling against his chest, her hand finding his. "Which reminds me...how the hell did you not even suspect this? I mean, you have a kid." "Oh," he frowned. "I...wasn't actually there for the first bit. Once she found out...yeah, but...not right away. I missed it." "You missed it," she sighed. "Well now...now you're not missing it. And it sucks. Vomiting sucks. Peeing sucks. Everything sucks." "Sorry." "I'm not even going to say it's not your fault." "I wouldn't expect you too," he laughed softly. "You and your hot, dirty counter sex." "You really liked it at the time." "At the time." "Do we know that was the time that well..." "Well...no," she sighed. "But I'm guessing it was." "Why?" "Because we were supposed to be talking and we had sex." "True." "And it fits the timeline or whatever," she shrugged. "And so does the sex we had later that night.' "You used a condom during that sex." "Also true. But that doesn't completely rule it out." "Condom and the pill rules it out." "Nothings 100% but abstinence and god knows we do the complete opposite of that." "True," she giggled and then sighed. "I'm okay now. I think that's it for throwing up. Well, right now it's it." "Good," he smiled. "And so good we now know why." "Good we know why," she murmured, pulling out of his arms. "Not good the why." "No, not really," he sighed. "I'm going to go shower," she sighed as she stood. "Okay," he nodded. "I'll get supper on." "Supper," Meredith nodded. "Nothing really heavy or anything. I...soup is good." "I can do soup," he smiled. "Movie marathon tonight?" "Sounds perfect," she breathed, kissing his cheek. "Sorry, I'm vomity." "My fault." "I love you." "I love you too." "Come get me when supper's ready," she said as she walked out of the washroom, leaving him alone as she climbed the stairs, her hand moving back to her stomach. Derek ran his fingers through his hair and headed toward the kitchen. She was pregnant. They were entirely too careful and still she was pregnant. And he had been about to tell her he didn't want anymore, which apparenty she didn't either. Except for now that was all beside the point as one was on its way. Unless they did something. His head felt like it was running laps. He couldn't believe it. Pregnant. Everything made sense now. The nausea, the exhaustion, the getting out of bed ten times in the middle of the night to pee...all of it came together. But he still couldn't completely believe it. He couldn't believe he had five weeks to wrap his mind around this and make a decision. A huge, life-changing decision. Five weeks to either ignore or listen to that small voice in his head that was telling him this was amazing. And now there�s no way out And I can�t help the way I feel



oncetherewasaway	Dec 4 2007, 10:43 PM Post #6
McEditor Posts: 1,625 Group: .Grey Girls. Member #23 Joined: October 25, 2006	Disclaimer: The hiatus is over! Hiatuses suck and might make you wonder if we own the show as well...the show is about to go into a hiatus. A possibly really long one. That will make this hiatus seem like heaven. We don't own the show....we'd never be that evil. (not that the strike is evil...you all know how we feel about that) Meredith took deep breaths in as she stood over the kitchen counter, her hand grasping at her mug desperately as she tried to calm her rolling stomach. The coffee pot hummed next to her as the smell of coffee permeated the air. Thankfully, the coffee didn't make the nausea worse. Because she needed coffee today. After a weekend of being off and trying to figure everything out, she needed coffee. She and her husband, who usually talked about everything and anything weren't actually talking. Which she should probably be used to by now as they just gone through weeks of not talking to avoid talking. But now it was different. Derek was somewhere completely in his own head. And Meredith knew she could get in if she tried, she just didn't actually want to know what he was thinking at this point. They had somehow found a way to avoid each other but not actually avoid each other. He had spent the entire weekend either in his office or playing with Hannah or taking really long walks with Eskimo. Of course, she had spent the weekend either hanging over the toilet or curled up on the couch, trying to work through everything. They weren't talking. And when they did, they didn't mention the baby. Which was probably good. They needed to take a step back and think. Thinking was good. Because she was pregnant and now the question had changed from whether they wanted a baby or not to what to do about the one that was on the way, regardless of how they felt. Thinking was probably a really good idea. They'd think for a bit and then they'd talk again. And avoiding while thinking made sense. She didn't want to pull him into this. He was always there. When she got up at three in the morning to vomit, he was right there, holding back her hair and whispering to her. He brought her ginger ale and crackers and in the mornings he made her toast. He was there. But he didn't need to be involved in the whole pregnancy thing. Not now. Not when they couldn't figure this out. The fact he was there for any of this was enough. She had no idea how he managed to avoid her and still be this entirely perfect husband but he did. And she needed that. She hated hugging the toilet constantly but Derek's hand on her back and his soft murmurs made it a little more bearable. At least she still had her husband. That was all she needed right now. She smiled slightly as she heard Derek and Hannah coming down the stairs, Hannah talking excitedly about her day. They weren't telling her. They couldn't tell her. They weren't even sure what would happen right now, and they definitely didn't know how to explain that they were thinking about things. So they just weren't telling their ten year old about her potential baby brother or sister. "Morning," Derek murmured to her as they reached the kitchen and he pressed a soft kiss on her cheek as he grabbed the mug from her hands and poured it down the sink. "Derek!" she frowned, watching the dark liquid pool in the sink. "What?" he asked, eyeing her stomach quickly. "You can't drink that." "But..." she frowned, moving her hand over her stomach. "I need coffee. And we don't...I need coffee." "I know you do and I know we don't...but...there's...I mean...you can't because...you just can't, Mer." "I hate you," she groaned. "Not generally just...just right now in this moment." "Figures," he laughed softly, ducking his head down to kiss her quickly. "Sorry." "You better be," she murmured as she leaned into him, taking another deep breath in as vomit rose in her throat. She was not going to throw up again. Definitely not again. Throwing up was the worst and she was tired of it. She was tired of throwing up. And now she couldn't even have coffee. This sucked. This completely sucked. "How are you feeling?" he whispered, a hand going to her back as he carefully avoided her stomach. He hadn't touched her stomach once since she had told him the news. "Like crap. As usual." "Are you okay to work?" "Derek..." "It's just a question. A yes or no question. With me being the protective husband taking care of his wife. I'm allowed to ask." "I'm completely fine to work," she sighed as she pulled away from him, looking back at the coffee pot longingly. "I'd be even better to work if I had coffee since I was up all night throwing up and...but I'm fine to work. I've been working for the past seven weeks. I'm fine." "Okay," he nodded, before frowning. "You've also been living on coffee for the past seven weeks." "Which I'm sure is fine," she shook her head, though she moved her hand quickly over her stomach. She hadn't thought about that. Coffee. She had had a lot of coffee. But they weren't sure if they were even...and there were women who went out and drank all the time during the first few weeks. But it didn't matter since they didn't even know. She rubbed her stomach slightly, turning towards the toaster where her toast had just popped up. "It probably is," he sighed, running his hand over his hair. "Are you still sick, Mom?" Hannah asked as she grabbed a bowl and the Lucky Charms, bringing them to the table as Derek turned to grab the milk for her. "Yeah, Han, just a little," Meredith sighed. "I learned in school that if you get sick a lot, it means you need more vitamin C," Hannah reported proudly. "And orange juice has vitamin C and so does strawberries and oranges. I don't like strawberries though. But maybe you do, Mom." "Strawberries are good," Meredith nodded, ruffling her daughter's curly hair. "But none for me this morning. I'll keep it in mind though." "Maybe orange juice like me," Hannah grinned as she poured herself a glass of orange juice. "Hmm..." Meredith frowned, her hand going to stomach. "Not right now." "Maybe later," Hannah shrugged. "And maybe you should go to Dr. Ross like I do when I'm sick." "Maybe I will," Meredith nodded. "Good," Hannah grinned as Derek sat down next to her, pouring himself a bowel of muesli. "And we'll keep taking good care of her," Derek smiled as he grabbed the orange juice from Hannah. "Yep, because you're a really good doctor and I'm gonna be a really good doctor," Hannah nodded as Meredith sat down at the table and took a bite of toast. She chewed it once, and then twice and then put it back on her plate, her hand moving over her mouth while her other held her stomach. "Mer, are you okay?" Derek asked softly. "I'm fine," she nodded quickly, standing up to throw the toast in the trash. "You should eat. You have a long day." "I should eat," Meredith nodded again. "I should. I want to. But every time I do I just..." She leaned forward and threw up a little bit into the trash can, coughing as Hannah grimaced. "Mer..." Derek sighed, jumping up to go over to her, his hand traveling to her back again. "I'm here." "Mom should definitely go to the doctor," Hannah sighed. "She will, Han," Derek nodded. "I'm okay," Meredith nodded, spitting out the last remnants of vomit. "I'm okay. And I'm running late." "It happens," Derek shrugged, rubbing her back. "Are you taking Han to school?" she murmured as she moved to the sink to wash her mouth out. "Yeah," he nodded. "Are you good to drive yourself to work?" "Derek, I can drive. I'm fine. It's just morning...it's just whatever. I'm fine." 'I know," he sighed. "But I get to worry." "Not all the time. Women do this all the time and...and we don't know yet. So...not all the time. I can drive. I can work. I'm fine." "Okay," he nodded. "Okay," she took a deep breath, moving her hand lazily over her flat abdomen. "You should probably get going," he sighed. "Probably," she nodded, reaching for her bag and her jacket. "I'll see you later, Hannah Banana," she murmured, kissing top of their daughter's curly head. "See you later, Mom," Hannah nodded. "Have a good day," Meredith nodded and then turned to Derek, biting her lip for a second as she quickly took her hand away from her stomach. That just made everything more awkward than it already was. "I um...I'll see you at work." "You will," he nodded. "Love you," she sighed, kissing him quickly on the cheek. "Love you too," he murmured, pressing a light kiss on her cheek. "Bye, guys," she sighed as she walked quickly out of the house, her stomach still rolling. Awkward. They were completely and totally awkward. Which was normal. It had to be normal when he was in his head and Hannah didn't know and she didn't know what was going on. She was pregnant. She had never wanted to be pregnant and now she was. Pregnant. It was big and huge and completely scary. She didn't know what to do. Derek didn't know what to do, which made everything even scarier because Derek always knew what to do. But he didn't. He hadn't wanted a baby. And she hadn't wanted a baby. But now there was one. There was a baby and everything in their usual happy family felt awkward and like some big fat lie. They needed to figure this out. They needed to do something. She just didn't know what. Because they were supposed to be happy. They were supposed to be living in a bubble. The three of them were supposed to be in a happy little bubble. And now they weren't. Now they weren't in a bubble, and they were barely them. He held her. At night, he wrapped his arms around her, but he wouldn't go near her waist or her stomach. And it was weird. He was so careful not to touch her stomach, so careful to not even look at it long. He'd look at her face, and smile. It wasn't his smile that still sent shivers down her spine but at least he'd smile. But he didn't look at the rest of her. He acted like it wasn't there. And if he wasn't talking with Hannah or trying to talk to her he would stare off into space a lot. He'd be there one second and the next he'd be somewhere entirely different, staring off and not really seeing anything around him. He was doing the Derek-y thing. He was doing the Derek-y thing where he went in his own head and didn't let anyone else in. Which was fine. It was probably even good. Because somewhere in his head he had to be able to find an answer to this. He had to know what to do, or what to feel. Because sometimes, just sometimes, she'd feel the tiniest bit of excitement, and she had no idea why. She just doubted that Derek was feeling that tiny bit of excitement. So maybe being in his head would help. And they would talk again soon. They didn't have that much time to make a decision so they'd talk again soon and maybe by then he would have an answer. And maybe she would because right now everything was getting jumbled up in her head. She didn't want a baby. She had no idea what to even do with a baby. But that excitement buzzed inside her, trying to say something about Derek and how amazing this could be. They had a daughter. They had an amazing ten year old daughter who was independent and mostly self-sufficient. Their life with their daughter was perfect. But their life with a baby...it could be perfect too. Or at least, that's what the voice was telling her. She wasn't sure she believed the voice. She was vomity and tired and had to pee all the time and her husband was being Dereky, nothing about that felt perfect or amazing. She just needed more time to think this all through. And he did too. And then they'd get rid of Hannah and do the talking thing again. It had gone well the first time, or at least a lot better than she had expected and it would work again. They were good at the talking thing. They would talk and she would just have to take some time to figure out if that happy voice had any valid points. She just wished her head wasn't all jumbled. And that her stomach would calm down long enough for her to get some sleep. Right now, being pregnant completely sucked and she couldn't help but wonder if any of this would end anytime soon. She hoped it would, she had a feeling it was supposed to, she just wished it was now. Immediately. Working today would be so much easier. At least work was easier than being at home, she thought to herself as she pulled into her parking spot. Which was the most twisted thought she had ever had because she loved her family, she loved being at home with her family. But right now it was awkward. Really completely awkward and she didn't know what to do about it. Work wasn't awkward. It was just work. Long and slightly torturous but not awkward. And avoiding Derek would be easier at work. Which actually probably beat the thought before in twistiness. She never wanted to avoid Derek. Ever. They usually found ways to be around each other at work. But avoiding him now...she needed to. She needed to clear her head and just...think. Think without worrying what was in his Derek-y head, where everything was quiet and sulky. "Meredith! You're here!" Lexie greeted her brightly, the second she entered the building. "Hey, Lex," Meredith sighed, trying to smile at her completely too bouncy sister. "How are you feeling?" Lexie breathed. "You kind of look like crap." "Thanks, Lexie," Meredith rolled her eyes. "I thought people were supposed to say crap like I'm glowing or whatever." "Well...you're not," Lexie sighed. "Where's Derek?" "Taking Han to school." "Oh," Lexie nodded, all of a sudden holding up books. "I was out last night and I found these and I thought you'd like them. Or well need them." "Books?" Meredith frowned. "Lexie...why...what..." "You're pregnant," Lexie whispered. "And you need to know...things." "Things?" Meredith sighed. "What...Lexie, seriously? A baby name book?" "He or she is going to need a name." "He or she..." Meredith shook her head, her hand going over her stomach. "Lexie, Derek and I...what's this one? What to Expect When You're Expecting?" "I figured it would be helpful," Lexie shrugged. "It's your first and it's...you should know those things." "My....my first," Meredith nodded slowly and then sighed, shaking her head. "Lexie, Derek and I...we don't...we might not...we don't know what we're going to do yet." "You...what?" Lexie frowned. "We don't...neither of us want kids and...we don't know what we're going to do." "Neither of you...what? But he's...you guys have Hannah and Derek is like...Derek's an amazing dad. Of course he wants kids. He probably wants a soccer team or something." "No," Meredith sighed, wincing slightly at the thought. "He's happy with Hannah. He said...and he hasn't touched my stomach or...he doesn't want kids. Neither of us want kids." "But...that doesn't make any sense. You're...amazing parents." "I know we are. We just...we're happy with Han and..." Meredith trailed off as she opened one of the books, peeking slightly at the text. Now she knew who the voice in her head sounded like. Lexie. It sounded exactly like Lexie. "And you love each other," Lexie insisted. "I mean...of course you love each other, you're married and everything but you both, you love each other in this strange and amazing way that most people don't. It's...you're like...some kind of fairy tale. Don't you want...I mean, it's your baby, Mer. Yours and Derek's baby." "Fairy tale?" Meredith frowned as she looked up from a paragraph about morning sickness. Which could apparently last until the end of the first trimester or the entire pregnancy. She would kill Derek if it lasted the entire pregnancy. If there was an entire pregnancy. There might not...they were thinking. She was thinking. "Lexie...I just...we're trying to figure this out." "What's there to figure out?" "Stuff. There's stuff to figure out. We don't...neither of us...there's stuff to figure out. We're trying to figure it out. Trying really, really hard to figure it out." "But it's...a baby." "Not helping, Lexie," Meredith murmured as her hand moved back over her stomach. "Sorry," Lexie frowned. "I thought...I thought Derek would be thrilled." "He wasn't." "He doesn't want a baby with you?" "I...he doesn't want a baby," Meredith shrugged. "He doesn't want a baby and...he wasn't thrilled. I wasn't thrilled. We just...we're figuring things out." "You don't have a lot of time." "Five weeks." "That's not a lot." "I know, Lexie." "Just...I thought..." Lexie frowned. "It's a...baby." "Lexie..." Meredith shook her head and then took a deep breath. "I have to get to work. I...thanks. For the books." "You're welcome," Lexie nodded. "If you need to talk...I can listen." "I know," Meredith smiled slightly at her sister. "But I...I'm figuring things out. I am. So...but thanks. I'll see you later." "See you," Lexie nodded. Meredith tucked the books into her bag as she made her way to the locker room, her head spinning. Because now Lexie and the voice had apparently joined forces to make this all even more confusing. Because it was a baby. And because Derek was an amazing dad. And because this could be perfect and amazing. Could be. Maybe. There were no promises that this could be amazing. It could be hell. Babies were babies and they were hard and they made things change. And they were happy. Their tiny little family was so perfectly happy that it still all felt kind of surreal. This wasn't the life she had planned on having and yet she had gotten it. She was happy. She was happy with life going against the plans. And now the voice was saying that this baby wasn't planned and that could be amazing too. Great. She just needed time to think. Which worked as she was apparently stuck catching up on charts all day. She could think while doing charts. She could finish up the charts and sort through everything and try to get to some kind of point where everything wasn't floating around her head like a big jumbled mess. And then maybe the voice that sounded like Lexie wouldn't be so damn loud. And maybe Derek had that voice too. It was possible. He was a great dad, he loved kids, at one point in his life he had wanted them so desperately he had done it alone. He wouldn't even have to be alone this time. Derek might have a voice too. And if he did they should probably talk. Because they needed to. They were in this together or whatever and talking might be good. Scary but good. They couldn't keep avoiding this. Avoiding this was bad. Really, really bad. They had avoided it last time and this was the karma for that. Now they were pregnant and confused and avoiding. They had to talk about the voice. The voice that was currently telling her to look at the books Lexie had given her. The voice that was telling her to look at names and to read about pregnancy. She could flip through the pages quickly at least. She was pregnant for now, regardless of what they decided in the future and it might be good to understand exactly what was going on with her body. And maybe there'd be a page about Derek being an idiot and she could drink coffee. It wouldn't hurt to look through the books or something. And the baby names book was just a list, that could be fun. Not pregnant people looked at baby names books all the time. There were thousands of names. Thousands and thousands of names and that made the baby names book just a little overwhelming. Because the baby could be a boy or a girl. Which then probably made the list grow to millions of names. Looking at a list of millions of names was not quick and she'd have to put it off. But she could flip through the pages about early pregnancy. Really fast. It was definitely a good idea to know a few things. And she should probably make that appointment with Addison. To make sure everything was okay and she was healthy and the baby was healthy. That was stuff they needed to know before making decisions. It was good to know that stuff. And it was okay that she was smiling while looking at the pages. It was only a little smile. It all sounded a little scary...but still...good. Because now she knew how big the baby was...or really how small it was. And it was really, really small. And she knew that its spine was starting to form. She knew things, and knowing things made her smile. It made her smile that her baby was developing a spine. Her hand moved over her stomach as she flipped over to a list of things to avoid during pregnancy. Which made the smile go away. Coffee was definitely on the list. She knew Derek had known what he was talking about. Of course he knew what he was talking about. He might have missed most of Hannah but his sisters had gaggles of kids. Derek had been right and she couldn't drink coffee for another six months. If they actually decided to keep it. They might not. She wasn't sure. She didn't know if she wanted to keep it. Birth control was on the list too, which made sense. And wine. Well, alcohol in general. She knew that. She knew she wasn't supposed to drink during pregnancy, she had done her OB rotation and she knew that. Except she was pretty sure she had had wine before finding out she was pregnant. She had drank coffee and wine and taken birth control and...this wasn't good. This could be really bad. She hadn't thought of avoiding it. People who were trying to get pregnant avoided it and they certainly hadn't been trying. They had been having sex to avoid talking about if they wanted to try or not. And there had been wine and birth control and none of this could be good. She needed to talk to Addison. She needed to make sure this was all okay and there was a decision to still be made. She closed the book quickly, hiding it in her bag and then moved quickly out of the locker room, staring at the surgical board. Addison wasn't in surgery. Which was good. Really good. Because she needed to talk to her. She really needed to talk to Addison and make sure everything could still be okay and that she wasn't growing some mutant baby or something. "Addie!" she called to her friend as the surgeon walked by with Mark. "Addie!" "Meredith," Addison frowned as she slowed to a stop. "I um...coffee," Meredith blurted out, looking over at Mark who was also frowning. "Coffee and probably some wine. Not a lot but...I've had it. And the pill. Coffee and wine and the pill and other stuff. I mean...I just...coffee. Derek said no coffee but then there's the wine. Which is...not a lot. But still...wine. The book said...the book said things." "The book," Addison nodded slowly. "Meredith, you're...it shouldn't be a problem." "But it might be." "There's lots of...it wouldn't be the first time something like this has happened to someone and it should work out fine as long as you start avoiding now. The first weeks won't hurt anything." "The book said a lot of development happens in the first weeks," Meredith sighed and then looked over at Mark, whose eyes were starting to widen. "Can we...I mean...private?" "Of course," Addison nodded. "We can make an appointment and talk about whatever you need to." "An appointment," Meredith nodded slowly. "Um...tomorrow? Are you free tomorrow? Because I can take my lunch and do an appointment and...I mean, I just want to make sure I'm okay. Because we still haven't...but tomorrow?" "Tomorrow sounds good," Addison smiled. "And try to breathe. They never mention it in books but it tends to be important." "I'm breathing," Meredith sighed. "I'm breathing. I just...the book said things and I've done things and we still haven't...but I just want to make sure....breathing. Right. I'm breathing." "There's no need to worry, Mer," Addison sighed. "I'll give you the completely work up tomorrow but everything should be fine." "Okay," Meredith whispered. "Have you...will Derek be coming as well?" "I told him," Meredith nodded carefully. "But um...surgery. He's really busy with surgeries." "Okay," Addison nodded. "So I guess I'll see you tomorrow." "Tomorrow," Meredith agreed and then turned to Mark. "Don't...you don't...whatever you're thinking it's probably wrong so just...don't." "I'm not stupid," Mark frowned. "There's only one way to think. You're...you and Shep..." "Don't," Meredith lowered her voice. "Please just...we haven't and...he'll tell you. He will because you're you and he tells you everything and if neither of you were married people would probably think...but he'll tell you. Just...don't. And don't tell anyone. Please." "Secrets safe with me," Mark nodded. "Thank you," Meredith breathed, her hand moving over her stomach. "And um...tomorrow, Addison." "Tomorrow," Addison nodded. "Good," Meredith nodded as she turned on her heel and walked back towards the nurses' station to grab her charts. Tomorrow. She had a doctor's appointment with Addison and they would make sure everything was okay before they made any decisions. And Derek didn't have to know or be there or...it was just an appointment. It was just a normal doctor's appointment. And she didn't need Derek thinking things. If she dragged him it would be pushing and she wasn't going to push. She was still thinking and he could still think and she didn't need him there for the appointment. She'd be okay without him. Entirely okay and then she would know more about the baby and she could do more thinking. And maybe the voice that seemed happy would be quieter tomorrow. A feeling, a moment A bursting of bubbles A panic to overcome On the verge of, on the verge of something wonderful Disclaimer: If we owned Grey's Anatomy, Katie wouldn't have had to deal with her bitchy mother and evil sister today over seeing Enchanted. Paddy would call us up and tell us to come to premieres and stuff. We really do wish we owned Grey's. He should probably be concentrating. Some strange, Meredith like voice in his head, was telling him that he should be concentrating on the task at hand. He had an important job to do. A job that involved saving lives and doing all that of that stuff. He needed to concentrate on something other than Meredith and the baby she was carrying. Not that he could actually concentrate on anything. He hadn't been able to concentrate all weekend. He had spent most of his time either with Hannah or in his office, but he hadn't actually been able to concentrate on anything but the word baby over and over again in his head. Meredith was pregnant. She was carrying a baby. A baby they hadn't planned, a baby he didn't think he wanted. A baby that could change anything. Concentrating was out of the question at this point. They needed to figure this out. They needed to figure out what the next step was and how to take it, together. Because this whole not talking thing was driving him completely insane. His wife was pregnant. She was pregnant with a baby. He couldn't think of it as his baby, if he did he wasn't sure he could really figure things out. It was just a baby, that his amazing wife was carrying. He needed to think. He just couldn't actually think. He had been trying. All weekend he had been trying. But between a busy ten year old and a wife dealing with morning sickness, he hadn't time to sit and think. He had even tried fishing, but Hannah had come along and had talked the entire time. He had no idea what do. Because there were two very loud voices in his head, and he couldn't concentrate on either one. One voice was screaming things about how amazing this was. Meredith was the love of his life and they were pregnant. She was carrying their child. And it was definitely amazing, everything in him knew that something about that sounded actually perfect. Him and Meredith sharing a child together would be something. And his other voice was screaming about how bad this could all be. They had the perfect life. He finally felt as if everything was going right. Finally felt as if he had something to go on. Hannah was ten. She had a busy social life, and she had ballet and horse back riding and everything else. But she was finally at the age where he could hand her off to his mom for a week while he and Meredith went away for a week. She was finally at the age where he could lay in bed with his wife without her walking in and demanding something. And a baby would change everything. A baby would destroy their perfect existence. A baby would demand attention for years, instead of them being the center of it all the baby would be. So that voice seemed stronger, that voice that told him this was perfect. He had never expected his life to get to this point after he had had Hannah. His life was never supposed to be perfect again and now it was. He had a career. He had a wife. He had a perfectly happy daughter. Everything was right on track. That voice was definitely louder. The voice that reminded him how hard this had been last time. The voice that reminded him of crying in corners while begging a baby to stop crying. Promising trips to Disney World if she would just stop. And then there was the other voice. The voice that kept screaming things about this being Meredith, his Meredith, the love of his life and having a child with her would be all kinds of amazing. He loved Hannah, he loved having Hannah and he loved sharing her with Meredith but actually having a child with her would be entirely different. It would be there. An that voice kept screaming words about perfection and rightness. Sometimes, that voice was louder. But most of the time, it was the other voice. It was the other voice that reminded him he could lose this perfectly happy life if they had a baby. The other voice reminded him that he wouldn't be able to sleep naked with his wife for another eighteen years. The other voice reminded him that he would have to give up his career again. And so would Meredith. He just wasn't sure which voice he was expected to listen to at this point. They both were right, or at least they could both be right. This could be amazing. Sharing a child with Meredith could be the most perfect thing they had ever done. Or it could blow up in their faces and go entirely and completely wrong. He needed to figure out exactly what voice he was supposed to listen to. And in the meantime, he had to take care of his busy ten year old and keep her from asking too many questions. He had to take care of his wife, who had morning sickness at all times of the day. He couldn't remember how long Hannah's mom had had it for, but he didn't remember it being this bad for her. Which of course led to him worrying. Not so much about the baby, but about his wife, which made figuring things out almost impossible. Meredith had to come first. Because right now they were a complete and utter mess but if he knew anything it was that above all he loved his wife. No matter what happened in the next few weeks, whatever they decided he loved his wife and he hated seeing her like that. She seemed to be sick constantly, this pregnancy that he didn't even want was waging war on her body. He hated watching it. He supposed it was one reason why he was hiding from her. Avoiding her. He had never avoided her. He loved her, he wanted to take care of her. But watching what this pregnancy was doing to her made him feel a whole range of emotions he wasn't ready to deal with. And those emotions made the thinking thing harder than it already was. So he avoided her. They avoided each other. And it sucked. He hated avoiding his wife, he hated the need to felt to avoid his wife. Meredith was his world, at least she was supposed to be. He didn't remember a time before where he had completely avoided her. Or kind of avoided her. He was there. He was as there as he could manage to be with still thinking. Because being around her made it impossible to think so he was trying to balance it. The best he could do was crawl in bed with her at the end of the night and pull her close, trying his hardest to avoid her stomach, and tell her he loved her. He wasn't sure why he couldn't touch her stomach, she did it all the time. She slept with one hand on her stomach, she walked around the hospital with her hand firmly in place. He wasn't sure she knew she was doing it. But he couldn't bring himself to do it. He just couldn't. If he did he was worried that the one voice would become stronger and then he wouldn't be sure which voice to listen to. Not that he knew to begin with. He felt like just maybe he was going entirely insane as both voices were making a lot more sense than he cared to consider. Hacng a baby with his Meredith could be the most amazing thing that ever happened to him. Or it could be the worse. He groaned as he threw his pen down. Paperwork would have to wait. Charts would have to wait. He couldn't think right now. He couldn't concentrate when the word baby was on constant repeat in his head. He couldn't dictate what had happened to a patient during surgery when the voices were battling things out. He couldn't figure any of this out when he was terrified his life was falling apart. They had been so damn happy and so damn perfect. A tiny voice in his head had kept reminding him that there was some other shoe to drop, that things couldn't remain in the perpetual state of perfection forever and eventually something like this would happen. And now it had and he had no idea how to deal with it. He wanted to do what was right, he just had no idea what that was. He loved his wife. He wanted their lives to be perfect. Maybe not the honeymoon state they had lived in for almost two years now, but he had wanted their lives to at least be perfect. For whatever reason, kids had never entered into his equation of perfect. They had Hannah. Hannah was more than enough for him. But then there was the other voice reminding him how incredible a baby with Mer could be. He needed to figure this out. He might have to take a weekend away from Meredith and the hand that was resting constantly on her stomach and from Hannah and he had to think. It was the only way he would get an answer. And they needed an answer. He needed o figure out what he wanted to do about this baby so he could help Meredith figure it out. He just needed to think. "You look like shit, man," Mark said from the doorway of his office. "Yeah, well I feel like it," Derek sighed, snapping out of his thoughts as he looked up at his friend. "Seems to be going around the Shepherd household," Mark said sarcastically as he fell onto the couch, running his hands over his face. "What are you talking about?" Derek frowned. "The whole hospital's talking about the She-Shepherd or whatever the hell they call her throwing up all over the place," Mark shrugged. "Not that I have any idea why." "She's...do you know something?" "Do you and Meredith think I'm stupid or something?" Mark growled. "No," Derek frowned. "Then yes I know something." "You do," Derek nodded slowly. "I was going to tell you." "I'm not bitching because you didn't tell me, Derek." "You're not? "No," Mark shrugged. "It's not fucking high school. You didn't tell me. I didn't come in here to whine like some kind of chick who needs to be the first in the gossip line." "Fine," Derek sighed. "Meredith is pregnant." "No shit." "It wasn't planned." "I'm shocked." "What's your problem?" Derek frowned "I don't have a problem," Mark shrugged. "Why the fuck would I have a problem?" "You're obviously pissed. I wasn't trying to keep it from you." "Yeah, I know." "I don't know what I'm supposed to do, Mark." "You mean have the baby?" Mark looked at him. "Doesn't seem that difficult to me." "I wish it was that easy," Derek groaned. "I...how the hell am I supposed to have another baby?" "You're not that old, Derek. You do it the same way you did it last time, only this time the mom sticks around." "You really think it's that easy?" "Yeah I do." "I wish it was." "You're doing the Derek thing. Going to make everything fucking complicated. There's nothing complicated about this, Derek," Mark growled. "Your fucking wife is having a baby." "Yeah, I know she is," Derek groaned. "I just don't know if I want it." "I should get you on your ass for that," Mark mumbled under his breath. "For what?" "Nothing.� "Nothing?" "I'm not seeing why the hell this is so damn complicated," Mark sighed. "She's pregnant. You're married. It happens." "But we didn't want it to happen." "Yeah, but it did,� Mark said after a minute, looking down at his hands, his fingers playing with his wedding ring. "It happened and now you have to deal with it." "Exactly where we run into the problem," Derek nodded. "You deal with it," Mark repeated, his voice stronger. "You deal with it in the best way. And you don't regret shit." "Regret...Mark...what are you talking about?" "What?" Mark sighed, running his hand over his face again before shaking his head. "You, man. You and Meredith and the baby. What the hell else would we be talking about?" "I don't actually know," Derek sighed. "I don't know what to do, Mark." "I'm not seeing the problem," Mark shrugged. "The problem is we didn't want to get pregnant. We didn't want what we're now facing." "So now you're just going to fucking throw it out like trash?" Mark growled. "What? No...I mean...we don't know." "Maybe you should learn to use protection if you don't want something," Mark growled, pacing the room. "Honestly, what the hell is your problem? We use protection...Meredith is like a Pill nazi." "Forget it," Mark shook his head. "Congratulations." "There's nothing to congrayulate me about," Derek sighed. "But honestly...what is going on?" "Nothing is going on, Derek," Mark snapped. "Something is clearly going on." "Just accept my congrats and forget it." "There's nothing to congratulate me for....unless you think a big mess is worth a congrats." "Hannah was a big mess and you bought the cigars before you even knew if she was a she." "That was different." "You got a random resident pregnant after a few dates instead?" "She wasn't random and it was still...different. We weren't...Mer and I are perfect. Our life has been perfect." "So glad yours is." "What the hell is your problem?" "Nothing," Mark groaned. "What the hell is wrong with us?" "What do you mean?" "We're Derek and Mark, we've been best friends for how long? And now we can't even sit and talk about our lives? How the hell did that happen?" "Shit happened." "Shit's not supposed to happen to us. You�re my brother." "Yeah," Mark sighed, turning towards the door. "Do me a favor. Have the kid. Name me godfather again." "If we have the kid you're godfather," Derek frowned. "But that's a big if and how is that doing you a favour?" "It just is," Mark shook his head sadly. "See you, Shep. Get your shit together." "Working on it," Derek nodded slowly. "Not if you're leaning where I think you're leaning," Mark mumbled, shutting the door firmly behind him. And now life had just gotten more complicated. Not that Derek was even sure that was possible at this point. Meredith was pregnant and they had no idea if they wanted to keep it, that should have been complicated enough. And now Mark was in on the act and Derek couldn't shake the feeling that he was leaving alot unsaid during their conversation which just caused another headache. He didn't need more headaches right now. He didn't need something to be wrong with his best friend, his brother, not when his wife was apparently throwing up all over the hospital. Not when the word baby was on repeat in his head. Those things caused enough of a headache. Add in work and now Mark...he needed time. He just needed time to figure this all out. Without headaches. He should probably try fishing, it usually worked best. He'd take a weekend to get out of here, without Hannah and the constant barrage of questions and Meredith and her likehood of getting sick everywhere. They could get away and talk and think and come out on top. It would be fine. it had to be fine. He'd take a little more time and figure out what voice to listen to. As for what to do now, he had no idea. Work. He had to work. He had to get work done and try not to think about the fact that his wife was sick. Try not think that she was sick because there was a baby growing inside her, wreaking havoc on her body. Try not think about any of this. He could work. It seemed like the only safe option until one of the voices finally won out. And eventually one of them had to. He wasn't sure which one he was rooting for. If he knew that all of this would be a hell of a lot easier but he didn't know. He didn't know if he wanted to listen to that calm practical voice that seemed to be making a lot of sense or the insanely excited one that didn't make as much sense but seemed too entirely too happy to stress about. He'd figure this out. They'd figure this out. Together. He had promised her they were in this together, and they were. He just wished he could believe she was as confused as he was. Something told him she wasn't, and something told him the more time that passed, the less confused she would be. Which meant he had to figure this out soon. Or at least after he got some work done. Maybe if he got some work done the figuring it out this would just follow. It was alway that way. Cutting cleared up his brain. He just need to cut and then all of this would make more sense to him. At least he'd hope it would. He wasn't sure how dealing with someone else's brain was going to make him feel better bout any aspect of his life but it was worth a try at this point. Anything was worth a try. Anything that could help him forget this mess for a few hours at least and then make it all clear in the end was worth a try. He knew what to do in the OR. He was in control. He had lost control of all of this seven weeks ago, and he just needed to get it back. Right now, that was all he needed. To get back control and to be with his Meredith again. Without this mess. And you keep it together Those feelings inside There's nowhere to hide Disclaimer: If we owned Grey's Anatomy Derek would totally take on a dragon. Cause that whole "Over my dead body" is entirely hot. Of course there's no such things as dragons. But we think Rose kind of looks like one. It works. Oh...and please not...abortion is slightly mentioned in this update. Very slight but it is there so we thought we'd tell you. And as said before if you don't want to read PM us for a brief over view of what happened. Meredith shifted slightly in her seat, looking up and around the kitchen as she took another bite of toast. Derek wasn't down yet. Neither was Hannah. Which was good. She had to put the book away when Derek came down and she wasn't done yet. She wasn't done taking notes, writing down all the questions she wanted to ask Addison today. So Derek taking his time was definitely good. He couldn't know she was doing this. And she hated that, she hated that she couldn't share this with her husband. She hated lying to her husband even if it was only lying by omission. It felt entirely wrong and dirty. But she couldn't tell him. He didn't know. She still didn't know. If she talked to him about this it would be bad. She needed to do it but he couldn't be part of it, not yet. There were things she wanted to tell him. She wanted to tell him that the baby was starting to get arms and legs. She wanted to tell him that the baby's head was getting bigger. She wanted to tell him the news that made her want to kill him...the morning sickness was only going to get worse before it got better. She wanted to tell him everything. But instead, she was hiding the book behind her neuro text. It wasn't supposed to be like this. She wasn't sure what it was supposed to be at this point but she knew this wasn't it. She hadn't meant to even read the book this much but once she started she couldn't actually stop. She liked reading the book, she liked knowing what was going on. Even if it made that tiny voice get even louder and she had to fight the urge more and more to talk to Derek. They still weren't talking, which bothered her. They talked. Except when they didn't, which was how she ended up pregnant in the first place. But they were supposed to be talking. They were supposed to be making decisions. And she assumed he was supposed to know what was going on. He noticed things. He noticed the morning sickness, he smirked when she couldn't button her button down shirt over her boobs, he noticed things. He just didn't talk. He just looked spacey. If Hannah wasn't distracting him he spent a lot of time looking spacey. He'd hide in his office and when she walked by he would never actually be doing work, just staring at the wall and looking too distracted to do anything. She wondered how he even managed to cut at this point. He was in his own head and for once she didn't think she had the right to push herself in there. They had things to figure out. They hadn't wanted more kids. The plan hadn't involved a baby. And now there was one on the way who was apparently the size of a blueberry and they needed to figure things out. She understood the spaceyness. She understood the avoiding. She wanted to do it sometimes too. So she'd let him be spacey for a while until they wrapped their heads around this. "Morning," he murmured suddenly appearing in the kitchen. "Oh, um...morning," she said quickly, reaching over quickly to close her notebook. She had pages of notes. It was what she did, what she was used to. College and medical school made her take notes and she had notes and questions. Notes and questions she wasn't sure he wanted to be involved in yet. "How are you feeling?" he asked, stifling a yawn as he reached into the fridge for the orange juice. "Better than an hour ago," she sighed, turning the page of the book quickly. She'd finish this paragraph and that would be it. "That's good," he nodded, yawning again. "Tired?" she asked, closing the book and slipping it into her bag as she stood up to wrap her arms around his back, wincing at the tenderness of her boobs. Okay, not only was she wearing his t-shirt instead of hers, but she was in pain. Which was normal, she knew that. She just hated it. "Yeah," he sighed as he leaned back into her, his hand going to tangle over hers. "Didn't get much sleep last night." "I know," Meredith whispered, squeezing his hand tightly. He hadn't even come to bed until almost one and then had spent most of the night moving around. "Sorry if I kept you up." "You didn't," she promised quietly as he turned in her arms and kissed her gently. "Good," he smiled against her lips. "I made Hannah lunch," she pointed out, nodding towards Hannah's lunch box which sat next to her own pile of crackers and cheerios and carrots and celery sticks. She wasn't actually sure she could keep any of it down, but the book said it would help. She really had to thank Lexie if it did. "Thanks," he sighed, looking at the other bags and smiling at her quickly, pressing another soft kiss on her lips. "Morning," Hannah announced sleepily as she came into the kitchen, already dressed for school. "Morning Hannah," Derek smiled, pulling back from Meredith but leaving a hand on her back. "Are you feeling better, Mom?" Hannah asked as she grabbed a bowl from the cupboard. "A little," Meredith nodded. "At least today I am." "Good," Hannah grinned. "Did you go to the doctor and he made you feel better?" "Well no," Meredith sighed. "But I'm feeling a little better anyway. And that's all that matters." "Daddy," Hannah looked up, "Mom's wearing your favorite t-shirt." "She is," Derek smiled. "Why?" "Because she felt like wearing it today," Derek shrugged, kissing Meredith's cheek quickly. "She looks cute in it." "Yeah, right," Meredith rolled her eyes as she leaned into him. He was in a good mood. A really good mood and he was...they weren't awkward. Which was nice. It was nice to be them for once. "You do," he laughed softly. "Very cute. Very mine." "Very yours?" she raised an eyebrow. "Yes," he nodded. "Wearing my clothes, it makes me look at you and think mine." "You're such a caveman," she giggled as her hand moved over her stomach. "I try my best," he sighed, looking at her hand for a second, a tiny smile tugging at his lips before he cleared his throat and looked up. "I um..." she said after a moment, her own smile tugging at the corners of her lips as she fought the very strange urge to take his hand and put it over hers. It was weird. Very, very weird. Maybe the book said something about that urge. She was starting to depend on the book too much. In one day, the book had become her weird everything. "I um...are you taking Han to school or me?" "Up to you," he shrugged, smiling softly at her again before turning to Hannah. "Han, who do you want?" "You," Hannah sighed. "Last time Mom took me she pulled over and got sick on the street." "Sorry about that, Han," Meredith frowned. "It's okay," Hannah shrugged. "You said you feel better now." "I do," Meredith nodded. "Today I do." "Good," Hannah grinned widely as she started slurping at the milk in her bowl. "So it is still me?" Derek asked. "I think it's probably best," Meredith sighed. "I have to get to work early anyway." "Okay, I can take her," Derek nodded. "Good," she smiled, wrapping her arms around his waist. "Hey, Der?" "Yeah?" "Can we have stir fry for dinner tonight?" "Stir fry? The kind full of vegetables and healthy things?" "Yeah," she grinned. "With soy sauce, lots of soy sauce. Like that Chinese place down the street from the hospital." "We can have that," he nodded. "We can have that," he nodded. "Don't forget the soy sauce though." "I won't," he smiled, kissing her gently. "And maybe lo mein or something," she sighed and then frowned. "I hate Chinese food." "That would be...cravings," he murmured. "You're having weird cravings." "Cravings," she whispered. She had read about it in the book. Cravings. She was having weird cravings for things she didn't even like. She had to make sure to ask Addison about that too. "Cravings. Okay." "I'll take care of it," he nodded. "Chinese it is." "Thank you," she murmured, kissing him quickly. "Let me know if you change your mind. Sometimes...they can change." "They change?" "They can. By supper you might want pizza covered in pickles." "Derek," she groaned, one hand moving over her mouth quickly as the nausea rose. "No pizza. Ever." "Okay, I'll keep that in mind," he nodded. "Okay," she sighed, resting her forehead against his chest, willing her stomach to settle. He was doing the protective thing. Or the normal thing. Or...he was taking care of her. He was willing to go out and get Chinese food and...she should tell him. She should tell him about the appointment and that their baby had a heart and kidneys and a spine. "Derek?" "Yeah?" "I um...there's..." she trailed off. "I have...um..." It was simple to say. Simple to tell him she had a doctor's appointment with Addison during lunch. Except she wasn't even sure he wanted to go. And he was spacey. She was supposed to let him be spacey, not make him even more spacey. "Hmm?" he murmured. "I have to go to work," she said lamely. "Oh," he frowned slightly. "I know that." "Yeah. I know. I just...work. And I'm scrubbing in with Dr. Wheeler today which is...I mean, he's a great neurosurgeon but he doesn't...he hates...so yeah, I have to go to work." "He hates me so he hates you by extension and he's not even as good as you," Derek sighed. "You're going to have a long day." "And he hasn't been...I mean, the vomiting and the peeing and the...long day," she groaned. "He hasn't been?" Derek asked. "Patient or...he snaps," Meredith sighed. "It's fine. I can handle it. Just...long day." "Okay," he nodded. "If he gives you any problems let me know." "Derek..." "No," he shook his head. "Not being over protective. I'm the head of neurosurgery. If one of my surgeons is giving another hell I need to know about it." "And it has nothing to do with me and the...with me?" "Maybe a tiny bit but really...if he's being more assish than usual let me know. I've been looking for a reason to yell at him." "Fine," she rolled her eyes, reaching around him to grab her baggies of snacks. "I'll see you later?" "Definitely," he nodded, kissing her quickly. "Love you." "Love you too," she smiled, turning to grab her bag and her notebook off the table. "Bye, Han." "Bye Mom," Hannah smiled. "Have a good day at school," Meredith grinned, kissing the top of her daughter's curly head. "Love you.' "Love you too," Hannah sighed. "I hope your tummy stays good." "I hope so too," Meredith groaned, moving her hand over her stomach, rubbing it gently. "It will be fine," Derek nodded, smiling at her. "You say that like you know," she shook her head, looking at her watch. "Okay, seriously. I have to go. I'll see you at work, Der." "I'll be there soon," he nodded. "Okay, bye," she smiled as she turned and walked out, hugging her notebook close to her. It hadn't been bad. They hadn't been that awkward. She probably should have told him about the doctor's appointment. If Addison found out she didn't, she'd kill her. Actually kill her. Addison was all about Derek knowing everything and...she probably should have told him. He seemed pretty good today. He was smiling at her, smiling a lot at her. And she wasn't actually sure what the smiling meant but it was nice. He wasn't as spacey and it probably would have been good to tell him. He was all about taking care of her and that's all the appointment was, her taking care of herself. It didn't mean she was going to keep it, she just needed to get checked out. The weird thing was she...she wasn't sure what the weird thing was except knowing that her baby had a spine and a heart and kidneys made this...she was excited. She couldn't even explain why. She felt like crap all the time. She couldn't stop vomiting, she was exhausted, her bra was way too tight, and none of her t-shirts actually fit her. But she was excited. Kind of. She had a human growing inside of her, an actual human. That was part of her and Derek. That had been created during some violent sex on their kitchen counter which just seemed appropriate for them. She was pregnant and it was terrifying. She didn't know about being a mother to a newborn. The books didn't talk about that part. But this part was starting to seem kind of cool. The book was scary. The book talked about things she didn't even want to think about. But just the fact that in a couple weeks she would be able to hear the baby's heartbeat...that wasn't scary. Not really anyway. It was the after part. The after part was terrifying. After she had a baby and there was a newborn and...that was scary. That was completely scary. That voice wasn't even quite saying no anymore. It was repeating scary over and over again. Over the last five years she had gotten used to the mother thing with Hannah but that had taken a lot of time. And Hannah wasn't a tiny baby that depended on her. Hannah was an amazing little girl that was great and easy to be a mother to. A baby would be so different, so frighteningly different. She wasn't sure how to take care of a baby. She had done a round in OB and pediatric surgery. So taking care of a baby medically...but there was something completely different about actually bringing a baby home and taking care of it and...it would depend on her. Completely on her. Well, Derek too. But on her. She would be a baby's mom and that just seemed...insane. And scary. And she didn't know if she wanted to face that fear. She definitely didn't know if Derek wanted to face that fear. He was better today, he seemed more like Derek today and he kept smiling. She just didn't know what that smile meant. It could have been a happy pregnancy smile or it could have been his usual I love my wife a lot smile. She didn't know where his head was and that wasn't helping her head. She had to talk to him. She had to figure this out and talk to him. Because that might help. That might help with the fear and everything...or it might just make everything else completely insane again. "Lexie," she called out to her sister as she walked into the hospital. "Hey Mer!" Lexie grinned. "You look good today." "I feel better," Meredith sighed. "I don't know how long it's going to last. The book says it could get worse before it gets better so...but I feel better." "You've been



oncetherewasaway	Dec 4 2007, 10:45 PM Post #7
McEditor Posts: 1,625 Group: .Grey Girls. Member #23 Joined: October 25, 2006	~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "So far everything is looking good," Addison smiled. "Really?" Meredith breathed, shifting uncomfortably in the stirrups. "Really," Addison nodded. "Looks perfect actually." "So I'm...I mean...everything is okay?" Meredith smiled slightly as Lexie grinned next to her. "Everything is okay," Addison smiled. "Want to see?" "See?" "Sonogram," Addison nodded. "There's not actually much to see at this point but it kind of makes up for all the boring parts of the appointment. We'll even take a picture for Derek." "Oh," Meredith gasped. "There's...picture. I mean, the book said...it said small like a blueberry or raspberry or...really? See?" "It won't be much but there is something to see." "Um...I guess," Meredith bit her lip. "I mean...I don't know. Yes. Maybe. I guess." "I'll take that as a yes. You can take your legs out of the stirrups and get more comfortable. You know how this works." "I know," Meredith nodded as Addison prepped her and then turned on the machine. Baby. There was going to be a baby on the screen. It seemed...it seemed big and huge. Even for a raspberry it seemed really big. "As I said, there isn't much to be seen at this point, the fun pictures don't come till later but this gives you an idea. Your first peek at Baby Shepherd." "Baby...Baby Shepherd," Meredith breathed as she stared at the machine. She had read these before. Unlike most moms, she knew where to look and suddenly..."Oh wow." "See it?" "Yeah. Yeah...I...the heart is...and yeah." "Always nice not having to explain everything," Addison laughed "Is it...I mean, does it look okay?" Meredith murmured. "It looks great, Mer. Baby Shepherd seems to be developing right on schedule." "I...when? I mean, if...if we decide...when?" "December," Addison smiled. "A Christmas baby." "That will be amazing, Mer," Lexie grinned. "The family will love it," Addison grinned. "I...yeah," Meredith stared at the machines, her eyes filling with tears. "Maybe...maybe you should turn it off." "Taking a picture for Derek first." "He doesn't want a picture," Meredith choked out. "He doesn't...we don't...we haven't...he doesn't want a baby." "Oh Mer," Lexie murmured. "He's thinking, you're both thinking." "No," Meredith shook her head. "No. He doesn't...he's thinking and we're thinking about...and it's right there and I can't...I can't take care of a baby. That's...I can't. We're thinking about...we didn't want a baby. We didn't want a baby and now we have four weeks to make a decision. We have a month. A month and that's not a lot of time. That's not a lot of time to think." "It's enough time," Addison sighed. "You two just need to talk. And show him the picture as he's conveniently in surgery." "Addison..." Meredith breathed. "He...I didn't...turn it off. Please." "I'll turn it off but you have to show him this picture, you both need to talk." "He doesn't want to see a picture, Addison. I'm letting him think. He's spacey and he won't...he doesn't want to see a picture." "Are you trying to claim that Derek Shepherd doesn't want to see his child?" "Addison, he doesn't even want a baby." "Meredith, he's thinking," Lexie sighed. "You're both thinking and you...you're thinking differently. He might be to." "I'm not thinking differently," Meredith denied as she grabbed her clothes. "I'm not. I'm not thinking differently. A baby...the baby...our baby...I...I don't know. I don't know what I'm thinking. I'm nauseous and...I don't know what to think." "And neither does he," Addison sighed. "You don't know what he's thinking." "He doesn't even...he won't even touch my stomach and he's avoiding. He's avoiding which is fine but...I have a month." "You both have a month. He doesn't get to avoid this." "Maybe I should...I mean, he doesn't want a baby. He doesn't and I...it's heart was beating. I couldn't...I can't it for another two weeks, right? But...I mean, beating. It was beating." "Meredith, he's your husband," Addison sighed. "You...you seem like you want this. You need to talk to him." "Maybe I don't. Maybe I don't want this." "Really?" Addison raised an eyebrow. "I don't...I usually don't...I can't be a mom. I can't be." "Why not?" "Because it's a baby. It's a baby and I...I can't do this. I can't. I should just go ahead and...not wait. I should not wait." "Not wait?" Addison frowned. "I'm not doing anything until both you and Derek have talked to a counselor about your options and have had a long talk with me." "Options...I...I have to go." "You have to talk to him, Meredith." "And say what?" Meredith breathed as she pulled her scrub pants back on. "I don't know...because it's a baby. It's a baby." "It's yours and Derek's baby," Lexie whispered. "Our baby," Meredith gasped as tears ran down her cheeks. "I can't...I don't know...I have to go.� "Mer...do you need Derek?" Lexie asked gently. "No. No I don't need Derek. I don't need Derek because he's...I have to go." "You're upset, you need someone." "I'm not upset," Meredith shook her head, wiping her cheeks quickly as she tried to take a deep breath. "I...I have surgery. I have surgery and...I don't need Derek." "Okay," Lexie nodded, wrapping her arms around Meredith. "It will be okay, Mer." "I have to go," Meredith murmured. "I feel like...I feel like...nauseous. I'm nauseous and I have to work and there are pictures. Right, Addison? A picture?" "There's a picture. Here," Addison sighed. "Oh," Meredith breathed, staring at the picture. "Oh." "It's your baby," Lexie murmured. "My...my baby," Meredith nodded and then paled. "I'm going to vomit." "Garbage," Addison pointed to a garbage can. Meredith nodded as she leaned over the trash can, emptying her stomach of the snacks she had been trying to eat all day. Baby. She was having a baby. There was a baby with a heartbeat in her. A really small baby...but a baby. There was a baby and she couldn't...she wasn't ready. She wasn't ready for a baby. But it was a baby. Her baby. Their baby. There�s no escape So keep me safe This feels so unreal Disclaimer: If we owned Grey's Anatomy Derek would borrow Robert's sexy outfit from the ball. We're not exactly sure why a neurosurgeon would be wearing that kind of thing but we'd find a way to work it in. That and the dancing and the singing. Derek would Robert basically. She should probably find him. The picture Addison had handed her was burning a hole in her pocket and she needed to talk to him. She just needed to get it over with and figure out where he stood or something. It would be fine. She was scared but it would be fine. It had been fine the first time and the talk was just...they needed to talk about this. They needed to decide this together. They had a month. One month. Four weeks. And it wasn't getting easier to figure this out. She had thought she would just get checked out. And instead she knew things now. She knew that her baby's heartbeat was a little fast, but it would slow down soon. She knew the baby was born around Christmas time. She knew her baby was a little bit bigger than a blueberry. She knew things now. And Derek knew nothing. Well he might know a few things because of his sisters and because of Hannah's mom but he didn't know things about this baby, Baby Shepherd. Addison had scribbled that on top of the picture, Baby Shepherd. Derek knew nothing about their baby Shepherd and he should probably know things. At least before he really made a decision. It was only fair. She should have told him about the appointment. He should have been there. He should have been able to see things. The heart and...their baby. Baby Shepherd. He didn't know the things about Baby Shepherd and he should have been there because he was Baby Shepherd's dad. He was Daddy Shepherd or...she wasn't making sense. None of this was making sense. Which made the talking thing seem quite possibly impossible. She wasn't sure how she was supposed to talk to him about the baby when nothing made sense to her. But he was Derek and it was quite possible he could help this thing make a little more sense. She was carrying their baby. She was pregnant with a baby they hadn't been trying for but it came anyway. And now they had to figure out what to do. But she had to find him. She had to talk to him. She had to at least show him the picture that had been in her pocket since noon. The picture of Baby Shepherd. She practically had it memorized. The heart. The small blueberry that was in her uterus. She had to at least show him the picture. He had the right to know about the picture of their baby. The baby they hadn't wanted. "Mer..." his voice came from behind her. "Derek," she turned quickly, stuffing the sonogram picture back in her pocket. "Hey." "Hey," he nodded. "I um...was coming to find you." "You were?" "Yeah. I um...I had this...are you okay?" she sighed, looking at the look in his eyes. The sad look. The spacey look. The look that meant he wasn't coming to look for her because he wanted to be around her. "I'm fine," he attempted a smile. "No you're not. Did you...I mean...patient?" "No," he shook his head, reaching her hand and squeezing it softly. "Just...didn't have much cutting to do today and been...thinking. But I'm good." "Thinking," she nodded slowly. "I...I was...and there was and I..." She trailed off as the nausea hit and her free hand went immediately to her stomach. Where Baby Shepherd was. Baby Shepherd. He needed to know about Baby Shepherd. Except he had been thinking. He had been thinking and he looked...panicky. "You okay?" he frowned slightly. "Yeah," she nodded quickly. "Just Bab...nausea. That's it." "Okay," he nodded as his frown deepened. "Why are you still in scrubs?" "Still in..." she looked down. "What time is it?" "Five." "Oh," she breathed. Five hours. It had been five hours since she had gotten the sonogram of Baby Shepherd. The picture that was in her lab coat pocket. The picture with a heart. She had had it for five hours. And he looked sad. And panicky. And spacey. He wouldn't want to see the picture. He wouldn't. He was going to go home tonight and stay in his office until one or two and then come to bed and put his arms around her, being careful not to touch her stomach. She couldn't tell him. "Yeah, time to go," he sighed. "I um...I had...and now I have..." she trailed off. Sonogram. She had a picture of their baby. She just had to say that. She had a picture of Baby Shepherd. A picture he probably didn't want to see. A picture that would probably make him spend all night in his office, not looking at her at all. They had had a good morning. And now he was spacey. "Have?" he frowned. "I have to stay late," she shrugged. "You...what?" "I have to stay late," Meredith nodded. "With a patient. The patient I operated on earlier. Dr. Wheeler...I have to stay late." "Oh," he nodded. "What time will you be home?" "I don't know. I might...I might have to stay all night." Lying was easy. It was easier to lie when he wouldn't look her in the eye. Easier to lie when he looked like the last thing he wanted to be doing was holding her hand right now. "Okay. I guess Hannah and I will have a Daddy Hannah night," he sighed. "She'll like that." "She'll miss her mom." "I know," Meredith sighed. "I'll miss her too. But...how long has it been since it was just the two of you for a night?" "It's been a while," he nodded. "Will you miss me?" "I'll definitely miss you," she smiled slightly. "Good," he nodded. "I'll miss you too." "You will?" she sighed. "Yeah. Of course I will." "Oh," she breathed, running her free hand over her eyes. Hormones. She was hormonal and that was why she felt like crying. Not because she had the image of her baby in her brain. And not because he looked completely panicked and spacey. "So I guess I'll see you later." he sighed. "Later." "Call me tonight if you're lonely in an on call room," he smiled slightly. "Okay," she smiled back, her hand moving to the pocket of her lab coat, tightening around her picture. She had to tell him. She had to tell him something. Even if it was something small and stupid. She had to tell him. "And get some rest because...just get some rest." "I'll try," she nodded, chewing on her lip. "December." "What?" "December," she repeated. "I...around Christmas. That's when...if we decide to...December. A Christmas baby. December." "December," he breathed, his eyes suddenly focusing on her for the first time since the conversation had started. His hand moved suddenly, lingering over her stomach and pulling away before he actually touched it. "A Christmas baby." "A Christmas baby," Meredith echoed, her eyes filling with tears as her own hand wrapped around her stomach. "How do you know?" he whispered. "I...Addison," she finished lamely. "And math and I'm a doctor. But I told Addison and she...December. You know, in case...if we want to...December." "December," he nodded, his hand going to her stomach again but not touching it. "December." "Derek," she breathed, blinking back tears. "Hmm?" he murmured. "I...it changed." "What?" "Grilled chicken ceasear," she smiled slightly. "All I've wanted since...grilled chicken cesear." "Oh," he smiled slightly. "Want Han and I to drop some off?" "If you do..." she grinned. "Yes, please. I'm...unless you don't want to. But cravings and...please?" "We'll be here," he smiled. "It will take a couple of hours so I can make it...but we can do that." "Okay," she nodded. "Thanks." "No problem," he nodded. "Anything for desert?" "Chocolate ice cream?" she frowned slightly. "Yeah, chocolate ice cream. Oh, and that bread. You know the bread they have at the grocery store. The one you like. The Greek Olive or whatever?" "You hate that bread." "I know." "Okay. Grilled chicken cesear, Greek Olive bread and chocolate ice cream." "And milk." "Lucky I love you." "I love you too," she murmured. "So I guess Hannah and I will see you in a few hours," he nodded. "Can't wait," she sighed. Maybe she'd show him the picture then. Probably not. Because of Hannah. But maybe she could at least tell him that their baby had a heart. Which he probably knew. He probably knew that. "I love you," he sighed. "I know I'm...but I do. I love you." "I love you too." "Good," he smiled slightly. "So I'll be back in a bit." "Okay," she sighed. Picture. She had to tell him. Had to show him Baby Shepherd. She had to. "Derek." "Yeah?" "I...Add...I have...I have to go check on the patient," she finished lamely. "Okay," he frowned, leaning forward to kiss her quickly. "See you soon." "Bye," she murmured. "Bye," he nodded. "Love you." "Love you too," she sighed as he turned to walk away, his shoulders hunched. Spacey. He was spacey. He was spacey and panicky and he wouldn't...they were having a baby. She was pregnant with a baby who was going to be born around Christmas and he couldn't even look at her. Or touch her stomach. She saw enough new dads to know that was normal. But not Derek. He was spacey. He was trying, she knew that. He was bringing her supper and he said he would miss her. That was good. He didn't look like he really wanted to be around her at this point but he seemed like he would at least actually miss her when she wasn't home tonight. Which made her feel even worse. Because she should be home tonight. She just didn't want to be around spacey Derek. Spacey Derek at home meant hours in his office while she played with Hannah. Spacey Derek came out of his office for an hour to tuck Hannah in and read her a bedtime story, or have her read him a bedtime story. And then Spacey Derek went downstairs and back into his office. And she would go to bed alone until around one when he would find his way upstairs. She couldn't be around Spacey Derek now. Not when she had a picture of Baby Shepherd. She just needed a night away from the house to think about what do next. Because she had the picture and something told her she needed to show it to him. He needed to know that there was a blueberry in her stomach that had a heart and spine and everything else. And maybe when he came with the meal he'd be less spacey. They could send Hannah off to play with someone and they could talk. She just wasn't sure what to say to him. Because right now the voice in her head was telling her there was a blueberry in her with a spine and heart and that was amazing. And it was. It was kind of amazing. It was kind of amazing that there was a person in her, that she wasn't just vomiting for no reason. Or not fitting into her blouses for no reason. She had a person. She was going to have a baby. That was pretty amazing. She just wasn't sure Derek would find it all that amazing. Which was a problem. So she'd just have to waste some time at work before she could talk to him. Except for now she was stuck at work and she didn't actually have anything to do because she was supposed to be home. She had a night stretching in front of her and nothing to actually do. Which had never happened at the hospital before. She needed to think too. That was the thing too. She had to think. Derek was spacey. But she needed to think through this. She needed to work through everything and decide what she wanted. Because she was starting to get the feeling she knew but the thought of what she thought she wanted was...scary. And she wasn't sure she could do it. She wasn't sure about anything. So she needed to think. Which meant she should probably find somewhere quiet. She could use Derek's office. She had his key and it would be quiet. But she wasn't exactly sure how much thinking she would get done if she was sitting in the chair they had had sex in more than once, surrounded by pictures of them and Hannah and all of the stuff that was so entirely them. Derek's office wouldn't work. If she went into an on call room, she'd fall asleep. And the locker room always had people. Tunnels had her friends and other residents and interns. And it was pouring rain out, the roof wouldn't work. But she needed a quiet place to think. A quiet place to think and process everything. Process the fact that she was thinking maybe having a baby could be completely amazing. Babies. She could go to the babies. She used to do it constantly, she used to constantly go see the babies when she needed somewhere quiet to think or to just be away from the headache of her internship and that annoying attending that made her life hell and was now at their house being spacey and pouty. She could go to the babies. It would be a good place to think about babies. Definitely babies. That was the best idea. She would just go up to the babies and look at them and then look at her own blueberry. Which sounded weird. Calling her baby a blueberry was probably very, very weird. Baby Shepherd. She had a picture of Baby Shepherd. So she would look at other people's babies and then try to figure out what to do with her own. She headed upstairs and hoped that no one would see her. Because she wasn't supposed to be here and she didn't need Derek to find out the truth. He'd get it. He had spent a few nights at work that she knew hadn't been needed. He had been stretching out his hours so he would get it. But he had never actually lied to her about it so she didn't need him finding out that about the lie. She smiled as she neared the window, her eyes on the newborns. They were cute. And there were other parents around her, waving and grinning. They were happy. They were ecstatic. She couldn't help but wonder if any of them had been terrified in the beginning. If any of them had thought about not keeping their babies. Probably not. They looked too happy. She wasn't exactly sure her and Derek would ever look that happy about the baby. Or if it would even get to the point that they'd be standing here waving and pointing to their own baby. She didn't even know if she wanted to be at that point. That was a big point. These people were happy and definitely wanted a baby. She wasn't even sure she wanted a baby. She had a baby though. She had a baby inside her. A really small baby with a heart and kidneys and a spine and...they had a baby. They were going to have a baby. In December. She had never even wanted a baby and now she was going to have one sometime around Christmas. It was insane. It was completely insane and she had no idea what to do. "Mer?" "George," Meredith greeted, smiling and then gasping. "Crap. Crap. I'm not here. Me...you don't actually see me. Or you do. But if Derek asks you don't. I mean, if you see him and he asks if you know...I'm on that Wheeler cars. I'm not here." "Okay," George frowned. "Um...except, why aren't I telling Shepherd? He's um, he's your husband and I thought you were off. Are you not...unless you aren't off. You might not be off." "I'm off. My husband just doesn't know I'm off. Which is why you can't tell him that I was standing here looking at babies. Because if he knew I was looking at babies he would think...things. And he can't think things. He has enough thinking about other things." "Things?" George turned to look at her. "Meredith, you'd, um, you'd tell us if something was wrong right, with you and Dr. Shepherd? Because um...I mean, you're off. You're off and you're looking at babies which we used to do all the time and I still do sometimes but, you're here and uh...you don't want me to tell Dr. Shepherd because of...things." "Don't call him Dr. Shepherd. That's confusing. We're both Dr. Shepherd and you're my friend and he's my husband. And we're good," Meredith sighed. "I mean, we're not good. Well we are good. Life is good. We love each other and things are...complicated but nothing...we love each other." "Okay, um...Derek. Things are...talking is good. It helps. Sometimes. Sometimes talking helps." "Talking," Meredith nodded slowly. "Talking might be good. I should be talking to my husband. I just don't how to talk to my husband." "You and Dr. Shep...Derek...you guys always talk. And now you're staring at babies when you're supposed to be off. So that...that suggests something is wrong. Not bad wrong but just wrong. And you can talk. And then if you talk now maybe you and Dr. Shep...Derek...can talk later." "Nothing is wrong. Not wrong wrong," Meredith sighed, her hand travelling to her stomach. "I just have to...think. About...babies." "Okay," George looked down at her stomach and then back at the babies. "Babies are...well, babies are cute." "They care cute. Really cute. Cute cute babies. And that's�good. Really good. And I like babies. Everyone likes babies." "They do," George nodded slowly. "Babies are...that one right there. With the yellow. He's kind of smiling which makes him cuter than the rest of the babies. All the babies are cute but he's kind of smiling so he's pretty cute." "He is," Meredith murmured, blinking back tears. "He's...adorable." "And then there's the girl in the pink," George grinned, pointing to another baby. "She's kind of small and tiny and...she's cute too. Babies are...they're cute. And she keeps kicking her socks off." "She does," Meredith agreed. "And they're...they are lucky babies. Really lucky babies. Their parents...their parents probably wanted them. Their parents probably never stopped talking and avoided each other. Their daddy probably touched the mommies bellies and they're lucky. Really lucky." "Maybe," George nodded slowly. "Except...the boy over there. His mom...I mean, no one's looking at him. And that sucks. Because he was just born and people should be looking at him. But no one is. And he still...he's still cute. And he hates the hat." "Well it's a stupid hat. Baby Shepherd needs a nice hat. If there was a baby Shepherd that would need a hat. Because I don't know. I don't...no. It's just...babies. They're cute. I like babies. I don't do babies but I like babies.� "Baby Shepherd," George nodded. "Baby Shepherd could have a cool hat. If he needed a hat. I think they have to give them hats. Something about keeping them warm. But um...Baby Shepherd could have a really cool hat. And Baby Shepherd would have a really great mom." "He would?" Meredith whispered. "Yeah," George smiled. "I mean, his mom is a really great surgeon and she's...she's nice. And funny. And really good with his big sister. But his mom would be a great mom. But he'd uh...he'd have a really great mom. Probably a better mom than um...than all the babies here. And his mom is probably really excited about him." "Terrified. Completely terrified." "Yeah...but excited. Because his mom is really good with kids. And she cares a lot about other people. And that's what moms have to do. They have to care. And she's a great friend and a great mom and a great wife so...she's probably excited too." "His dad is...his mom doesn't know what his dad wants," Meredith murmured, a tear falling down her cheek. "He didn't...he didn't want a baby." "Neither did his mom. But now she does," George sighed and then turned to her. "Right?" "She...she doesn't know," Meredith whispered. "She...might." "She might," George nodded and then turned to look at the babies again. "I think the baby there is pretty cute. In the yellow hat. He's pretty cute. Hey there, little guy. Hi. You're so cute, yes you are." "He is cute," Meredith murmured. "And he's...cute." "It's okay, Mer," George threw his arm over her shoulder. "It's okay. To um...to not know. But I think Baby Shepherd's mom knows." "Baby Shepherd's mom needs Baby Shepherd's dad." "Baby Shepherd's dad loves you," George smiled comfortingly. "And he...he loves Baby Shepherd. Because he's Baby Shepherd's dad and he...he's figuring it out. Probably." "What if he's not? What if he doesn't want him?" "Everyone likes babies. They're...they're cute. And they laugh and they have stupid hats." "He hasn't touched my stomach. He doesn't even look at my stomach. He did...once. Earlier. And I don't know." "Oh," George frowned. "Well um...he's figuring it out. He's going to get it and you'll see, Mer. He'll want this and you'll want this and then you'll be standing here and waving to Baby Shepherd in his stupid cute hat." "No one knows. You can't tell anyone. We're not telling people." "No one knows. Only me you and the babies. "I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do." "Maybe you do," George murmured. "Maybe you're standing here and you're looking at babies and you're not...you're a fighter, Meredith. You're a fighter and fighters...fighters don't just watch babies and avoid things. You're good at avoiding but you wouldn't...you wouldn't avoid Derek if you didn't have a really good reason and I think...I think maybe you know. And you just don't know how to know." "You think?" "Yeah, I think," George grinned. "I just...Derek is...I need Derek." "Yeah. You'll...he'll figure it out. Maybe he knows too. I don't know because...but you know. And maybe he knows." "Maybe," Meredith sighed, shifting to lean against George. "Want to see a picture?" "Of Baby Shepherd?" "Yeah...or well the blueberry in my tummy." "Blueberry?" George laughed as Meredith handed him the sonogram. "Awww, he's cute, Mer." "I know," she grinned, brushing a tear of her cheek. "And he has a spin, and a heart beat." "And kidneys," George smiled. "Congratulations, Mer. On Baby Shepherd." "Thanks. I think...thanks. You're...you're the first person I told. And thanks." "Hey, no problem," he smiled widely, squeezing her shoulders. "I needed that," Meredith nodded as her pager went off. "Derek." "You want me to go lie to him and you can look at babies?" George asked. "It will be my present to Blueberry." "No," Meredith giggled softly. "He has food for me. He went home and made me food because he thinks I'm working all night and all I ant is a chicken caesar salad. So he went home and made me it. Which might make him perfect." "You should show him Blueberry, Meredith," George sighed as he looked at the babies through the glass. "Blueberry is cute. And he'll...everyone wants a cute baby." "I don't know if he wants to see Blueberry," Meredith murmured. "McAss," George offered awkwardly. "Thanks," Meredith sighed, giving George a quick hug. "If I decide to keep him and Derek divorces me I'm going to marry you, okay?" "He's not going to divorce you," George shook his head, squeezing her tight. "But I'd marry you and Blueberry in a second." "Good to know," Meredith sighed. "And now I should go find my husband and his salad." "Bye, Meredith," George smiled. "I'll see you and Blueberry later." "Bye George," Meredith grinned slightly, running her hand over her stomach as she headed down the hallway. Got a fear of falling under Underneath the dream A fear of going too deep Disclaimer: If we owned the show Derek's whole entire part would be sang. It would be odd and ever so slightly out of place and maybe just a little off key but it would be sexy as all hell. We don't own the show though so we have to pray he sings on Enchanted 2. Meredith grimaced as she pushed her food away, shaking her head slightly as she put her book down and rubbed her stomach gingerly. She felt like crap. She was eight weeks pregnant and she felt like complete crap. She had been feeling like crap all day, which had been why Dr. Wheeler had kicked her out of surgery. She almost vomited into a patient and he told her to get out. So now she was trying to eat. And failing. She had to get something down. She hadn't managed anything at breakfast and Derek had been concerned and then things got awkward. Because that's what they were now. Entirely awkward. She was sick, he tried to help and it would make her want to show him the picture. And she would chicken out and then things would go awkward. Which would make her feel even more sick. It had been four days since she had gotten the picture. The picture that already had a crease down the middle. The picture of Blueberry. Their Blueberry. George asked all the time in really quiet whispers how Blueberry was doing and now she was calling her baby that. Blueberry. She wanted to tell Derek that. She wanted to tell Derek she called their baby Blueberry. But that involved talking about Blueberry. And they definitely weren't talking about Blueberry or much else. Which sucked, really sucked. She missed her husband. She missed the guy that she talked about everything to do. She wanted to talk to him about this. They should be talking. Blueberry was there and Derek should know that his son or daughter had a nickname. Maybe it would help. Or just make things more complicated. He was spending even more time in his office, completely spacey. He had even taken to going fishing at three in the morning. And sometimes...sometimes it seemed like he wanted to touch her stomach, but he'd pull away. She loved touching her stomach. It was...Blueberry was there. And the book said she'd start showing sooner or later. Right now, she looked exactly the same. She wanted Derek to touch her stomach. George had started to if they managed to be entirely alone. Lexie seemed to make a point of it. And her own hand seemed to be permanently rested there but she was starting to ache for Derek to touch her stomach. She didn't know why. She wasn't sure if it was just odd having an area of her body he didn't touch or if she needed him to acknowledge Blueberry. Blueberry was his baby. Blueberry was their baby. Their very small baby who had grown a little more in the past week. Their very small baby whose heartbeat they'd be able to hear soon. It was exciting. And she wanted Derek to know all of this. She wanted Derek to touch her stomach and call it Blueberry. Of course, the hormones and the nausea were screwing with her emotions right now, so maybe this weird ache was just that. Except for it seemed wrong that she was alone in this and she didn't really think she could blame that part on hormones. She was married to the love of her life, her best friend, her soul mate, her one true love, all of that stuff. He was supposed to always be there, for everything. And now there was this really big and huge something and he had no idea what any of it felt like. She wanted to talk to him. She wanted to show him the picture. She wanted to tell him what she was reading in the book. She wanted to tell him that Blueberry had toes and fingers. Because that was huge. Their baby was looking like a baby and she couldn't tell him any of it. Because she had just told him the due date and he had completely spaced out. Even more than usual. She didn't even know where his head was. She needed to get him to sit down so she could at least figure out that much. She just needed to have some idea what he was thinking so they could be thinking it together. Because she was excited, really excited and really scared and she didn't even know what she was supposed to be feeling. They needed to talk. But she couldn't, she couldn't make him talk. It was weird and strange. Derek talked. He made her talk. He made Hannah talk. He made everyone talk. But he wasn't talking. He was in his head and she didn't know how to get in there right now. She didn't know how to pull him out and make him talk. At this point, she fell like her marriage was starting to fall apart. And all because of Blueberry. Who she would love so much if her stomach would just settle down long enough for food. "What the hell is that?" a voice said from behind her. "What's...what?" she said quickly, fumbling with the book hiding behind her neuro text as she tried to shove the picture of Blueberry back in her lab coat. "Too late, Shepherd, I saw it," Alex laughed. "Someone is hiding a dirty little secret. And more little than dirty." "I...it's...not...mine," she tried as he sat down next to her, grabbing a carrot off her plate. "It said Baby Shepherd on the top." "You suck," Meredith pouted slightly. "And you're eating my food." "Well you're not. And this explains a lot." "Like what?" she sighed. "And keep your voice down. No one knows. Well, Derek knows. And Lexie and Addison and Mark and George. But no one else." "That's a lot of no ones. And the boobs. And the puking. And the general crappiness but mainly the boobs." "You've noticed my boobs?" "Kind of hard to miss." "They're not that...you shouldn't let Derek now. That you noticed them. And stop noticing." "I'm not going to tell Derek I noticed. Or Lexie." "Probably a good idea," Meredith sighed. "So now you know." "Congrats," Alex nodded. "I...thanks, I guess." "You guess?" "I...we don't know if...I mean, Derek doesn't...we don't want a baby. Or we didn't." "What?" "We weren't planning on this. We never even talked about it," she laughed harshly. "Ever. We tried and then we had sex and then I was pregnant and he...we didn't want this." "Why not?" Alex frowned. "You're like the perfect parents are something." "To Hannah. Not to...I mean, it's a baby, Alex. A newborn and they depend on parents and...we like our lives. We love our lives. We had perfect lives." "I get that," Alex nodded. "But...you got knocked up. It happens." "It wasn't supposed to," Meredith sighed. "And now...we don't know." "What is there to know?" "We don't know if we want to keep it," Meredith sighed, wincing slightly as she wrapped her arm protectively around her stomach. "Derek...Derek doesn't know. And I...I don't know. We don't know." "You know," Alex shrugged. "I...no I don't. I mean, maybe I do. I don't know. I don't know. Because it's a baby and I don't..." she sighed as she bit her lip. "I don't know. I need Derek and he's...I don't know." "Mer, someone who doesn't want a baby doesn't stare at some worn out picture of it." "I wasn't staring." "You didn't even hear me walk up." "That doesn't...I mean...it's..." Meredith sighed. "I...I think I want him. Or her. Blueberry. I think I do but..." "But what?" "Derek," she whispered. "He won't even...Alex, he doesn't even touch my stomach. Or look at it. And anytime it looks like he's about to...we had a perfect life and now we don't and it's because we're having a baby and he doesn't want it and I didn't either but now...I mean, it's my baby. With a heart and a spine and a head and toes and fingers." "It's Derek's baby too." "He doesn't want it." "Neither did you at one point," Alex shrugged. "But you changed your mind." "I didn't say that." "You bascially did. With all the moaning about heartbeats and spines." "It's not moaning. It's amazing," she snapped. "You want this kid." "Alex...I don't know. Because so far...I'm doing this by myself. And I don't...I love Derek. I need Derek. He's...he's it for me and if he doesn't want the baby," tears pooled in her eyes and she wiped them away quickly, her arm tightening around her abdomen. "Don't cry, I can't help you if you cry," Alex groaned. "Mer...you want this baby because this baby is real to you." "Alex...I haven't...I mean, yes. It's our baby. It's Blueberry and...I have a picture and Derek...he's so spacey. He won't look at me and I can't give him a picture. I can't. So it's real. But it's real to him too. He sees me throwing up...he knows my cravings and...I mean, it has to be real. It's his baby. Our baby." "The throwing up and shit just makes the pregnancy real. You have to make the baby real." "What do you mean?" "Stop avoiding it or whatever. Show him the picture and that book or whatever and that stuff about fingers. He's the one that needs to hear it. Make him touch your stomach." "Alex...he's trying to think and that...I don't think that will help." "It helped you." "Yeah but...he won't even look at me, Alex. The second Blueberry is brought up he...he shuts down." "So...he's your husband. Don't let him." "I don't know," she sighed, closing the book and twirling her fork around in her salad. "Maybe...I don't want this to ruin my marriage. And I...it's my baby but maybe it's just best if..." "You're right. You and Shepherd seem to be doing fine without talking." "We're...we're fine," Meredith stammered as a tear slipped down her cheek. "Damn it. I don't cry." "Hormones," Alex groaned. "They're hell. And you're not fine. You two need to talk. I don't even see what you're so worried about." "Alex, if I tell him I want this baby and he doesn't..." "It will suck and you'll have to figure something out. Knowing your husband...you'll get your baby." "Or I might not," she murmured. "And I...he has a heart, Alex. A heart and a spine and kidneys and toes and fingers and...I think...I want him. I don't know why because I could really screw this up but I...he's Blueberry." "Tell Derek that." "I can't." "Okay. Don't. Exactly what do you plan on doing instead?" "I...I don't know." "You have to tell him." "And then what?" Meredith sighed. "And then you figure it out together." "Together," she sighed, reaching back into the pocket of her lab coat and staring at the creased picture of her baby. Baby Shepherd. Blueberry. "Do you want to see him?" "Sure," Alex shrugged. "There isn't a lot..." Meredith sighed, handing the picture over. "He's small which is why I call him Blueberry. And I don't even know if he's a he...I just have a feeling. But yeah, he's small. And that's his heart and...he's small." "He really is," Alex laughed. "He's lucky to have you." "Really?" "Yeah, you'll be a good mom. And Derek will be a good dad." "If he even wants to be a dad again. He has Hannah. He's happy with Hannah." "That doesn't mean he won't be happy with Blueberry." "You called him Blueberry," Meredith giggled slightly, rubbing her stomach carefully. "It's his name, isn't it?" "Well...not officially. But right now...yeah. It's his name. Right now." "It fits." "Because he's small. Like a blueberry. Though the book says he's a little bigger than a blueberry now. That he's almost the size of an olive. Which is...I mean, it's still small. It's still really small. But...he's small." "Olive sucks as a name, stick with Blueberry." "I can do that," she giggled and then sighed. "So you think...I mean, you think I should tell Derek? Show him the picture and...what? Just grab his hand and make him touch my stomach?" "It's worth a shot. What's the worst thing that could happen?" "He could say he doesn't want Blueberry. And I...I really want Blueberry." "He might take some time but he'll come around." "I hope so," she sighed as she stood. "I'm going to go find him." "Good," Alex smiled. "He loves you, it will be fine." "Maybe," she murmured. "Thanks, Alex." "No prob, Mer. Congrats again." "Thanks," she smiled as she took her picture back and gathered her books. She was going to tell Derek. She wasn't going to chicken out this time. Because now she knew. Now she knew that she wanted Blueberry. She wanted their baby. She hadn't been sure before. George had made her think maybe...but now she knew. And she wasn't going to chicken out. And Derek would be fine. Or maybe not fine, at least not at first but that was okay. She had needed some time to think and if he needed more that was okay. They would be fine though. They loved each other. And not telling him was ridiculous. He needed to know eventually, she couldn't just keep waiting until he was ready. So she would tell him and it would be bumpy but okay. But Alex was right. Derek had to know. Derek had to know that Blueberry had fingers and toes. He had to know that his son or daughter, though she was pretty sure it was a son, had a nickname. He had to see the picture and touch her stomach and...Alex was right. Alex was completely right. And now she wasn't going to chicken out. She wanted the baby. And Derek would too, at some point. "Hey," he greeted her as she walked up beside him. "Hey," she breathed. She had to do this. Feeling like crap wasn't going to stop her. She had to do this. "How's it going?" he asked, putting one chart away as he grabbed for another. "It's...I feel like crap," she sighed. "Can we...we need to talk." "Oh okay," he frowned slightly. "My office?" "Your office," she nodded, fighting the urge to vomit. She was nervous. She was nervous and the morning sickness was the worst it had ever been but she wasn't going to vomit. Not now. "Okay," he nodded, putting the chart back down and leading her down the hall, his fingers lacing lightly through her. "Is everything okay?" "I...yes," she nodded. "I mean, the morning sickness and everything but...I mean, it's good. I read...I read morning sickness means everything's okay." "That's good then," he sighed, as he opened the door of the office. "It is good," she murmured. "So what's up?" he asked as he kissed her quickly. "I'm having a baby," she blurted out, immediately wishing she had planned this better. Because he knew that. He knew she was having a baby. "You are. We are. Maybe." "No," she shook her head. "No. I'm having a baby. We're...he has fingers. And toes. The book says...he has a heartbeat and a spine. A spine, Derek. We...we operate on spines all the time and our baby has a spine. And he has a head and fingers and toes and arms and legs and...he has a nose. Or he's starting to get one, he doesn't have one yet. But the book says he's starting to look like a baby.� "Oh..." Derek breathed. "And his heart...the book says his heart is beating 150 beats a minute. Which is...that's...that's insane, Derek. That's completely insane. But that's what the book says. And he's small. He's really, really small. But he's...he's here. He's here and we're...and he's not even a fetus yet, which is crazy. But in three days...three days he will be. That's what the book says." "Three days," Derek nodded slowly, running his fingers through his hair. "I'm...I'm eight and a half weeks pregnant," she sighed. "I'm almost nine weeks pregnant and...I'm scared. I'm terrified. But everything is okay. I'm okay and Blueberry...he's okay. He's okay. We're both okay and I...I mean, yeah, there's the morning sickness, and that completely sucks. But the books says that will go away by the fourteenth week." "Blueberry?" "That's what I call him," she breathed. "Because he's so small. He's...he's almost as big as an olive but last week he was a blueberry so I decided to call him blueberry. George and Lexie and Alex call him that too." "George...and...how many people know?" "Just George and Lexie and Alex and Addison and Mark." "I know Mark knows," he sighed. "I'm pregnant, Derek," she murmured, her hand resting on her stomach. "I'm having a baby. I'm sick all the time, I want nothing but salsa today, even though the taste makes me sick because I can't keep anything down, I'm exhausted, I pee more than anyone I know, and I'm hormonal. I cry at everything. But I...I'm pregnant." "Mer...what are you saying?" he asked quietly. "I want to keep him." "You....what?" "I want to keep him," she said a little louder, swallowing some vomit as she looked up at him. "I want our baby." "Oh...you...oh," he nodded. "And I know...I know we didn't plan this. I know that. But, Derek, he's a baby. Our baby and he has...in three days he'll be a fetus and in two weeks we'll be able to hear his heart and...I want to keep him." "I...you..." he sighed. "I have...surgery. I have a surgery." "What?" she breathed, watching as he moved around her. "Derek..." "I need to...surgery," he whispered. "We'll...I need to get out of here. Right now...I need to...get away. Surgery." "Oh," she murmured, fumbling to balance herself against his desk as a wave of nausea overtook her. "Oh." "Later, Mer. We'll...later." "Later," she nodded as he walked out of the room, closing the door firmly behind him. That had...she hadn't expected that. She hadn't expected him to walk away. She had expected...something. But he had walked away. He had needed to get away. He didn't look at her. He looked like someone was trying to kill him, trying to strangle him. That was bad. That was really bad. He was supposed to be Derek-y about this. He was supposed to want to talk this out. When she had told him she was pregnant he had been so perfect. So freaked out but so perfect but this was bad. He had just walked away. He had looked like she had tried to kill him and then he was gone. He said later but she didn't even know what that meant. She fell into a chair as she took a deep breath, trying to keep the vomit down. He had said later but he hadn't looked at her. At all. He hadn't looked at her and he hadn't even...he said later and she didn't know what later meant. Because he had panicked. He didn't offer to talk about it and...she was pretty sure he didn't have a surgery. But he had needed to get away from her. That had never happened. They had been together for years, they had been in messes before but he had never ran away from her like that. She hadn't even thought that he might have reacted like that. She expected some fighting or maybe some spaceyness but not that. Telling him had been stupid. Even if it felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders, it was stupid. Because now she was sitting in his office, tears already starting to pour down her cheeks as she tried not to vomit all over his rug. She shouldn't have told him. She should have just left it alone but Alex and George had both made it sound so easy and Derek...he was supposed to be McDreamy. He was supposed to be perfect and he was supposed to want this. And instead he had walked away. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The other half of the bed was still empty. She couldn't sleep with the other half of the bed empty, she never could. He was downstairs somewhere, doing something that didn't involve talking to her. Like he had been doing all night. Even through supper he had managed to not talk to her, or even to look at her. Pain ripped through her chest as she curled further into a ball, hoping he'd come to bed She needed to sleep. She needed to sleep and just forget today had ever happened. But she couldn't. She had been sick most of the day, and Derek had avoided her. He wouldn't look at her. He wouldn't talk to her. He didn't even give her small smiles. He was completely avoiding her. And it was almost two in the morning. She just wanted him in bed with her. She heard his footsteps on the stairs suddenly and she sucked in her breath. He might not even stay, he might just get his pajamas and disappear again. Or lay on his back and stare at the ceiling all night and act like she wasn't even there, like he had been doing all day. He was taking forever to even get to the room and she knew he had stopped to check on Hannah and still her heart raced. The bedroom door opened slowly and she resisted the urge to look up at him, instead burying her head against the pillow as she put her hand over her stomach. He wasn't saying a word. Usually, he would climb into bed and kiss her cheek before getting ready for bed. Now he just moved into their washroom, closing the door behind him. She blinked back tears as she heard him change and go through his nightly routine. The bed finally shift underneath him as he climbed in, still no words passed between them as she did her best to hold back a sob. It would be best if he thought she was sleeping. They could avoid some awkwardness if he just didn't know that she was awake and fighting not to cry as he didn't talk to her. A hand unexpectedly brushed her hip. "Mer?" he whispered. "Yeah?" she murmured, wiping a tear quickly. "I'm...sorry," he breathed. "Earlier...I shouldn't have. I freaked and I walked out. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry." "Oh," she breathed. She wanted to tell him it was okay. Except it wasn't. It hadn't been okay. None of this was okay today. "I didn't mean to be an ass. I just...I need some more time." "I know," she sighed, turning to look at him. "But...I don't...I mean, not to freak you out or...there isn't a lot of time." "I know there isn't," he nodded. "And...I'll figure this out." "Okay." "And you want him. You want...Blueberry." "Yeah," she smiled slightly, her hand moving to her stomach again. "I want Blueberry." "Time," she nodded and then bit her lip as she moved her hand from her stomach and tentatively reached for his, resting it on the tiny bit of fat that was starting to appear. "He's the size of an olive right now," she explained, linking her fingers over his tightened ones. "Oh," he breathed, his eyes growing slightly wide but he didn't move to pull his hand back. "But you call him Blueberry." "Olive is a stupid name." "Hmm..." he nodded, looking at his hand that was still on her stomach. "And he has fingers and toes," she murmured. "And they say...I mean, by the tenth week, he'll be moving but I won't be able to feel it yet. Because he'll still be small." "Moving," Derek breathed. "Yeah," Meredith nodded. "And by the end of next month...he'll have toe nails and finger nails. Which is...I mean...it's weird and strange and kind of amazing." "Yeah," he murmured. "If you don't want this..." she whispered after a second, squeezing his hand tightly, holding it against her stomach. "If you don't want this I...he's your baby too. You get to decide too." "I don't know what I want, Mer," he sighed. "I'm thinking. I just...I'm thinking." "Okay. But if you decide...I want him but if you think and decide you don't..." "Shh..." he whispered. "It's late and my head is...running a thousand miles per hour. Give me...a few days and then we can talk this all out. Okay?" "Okay," she murmured, turning so that her back was to him again, though she kept his hand against her abdomen. "I love you," he breathed, shifting his body to pull her back tight up against him, spooning her closely. "I love you too," she whispered as another tear trailed down her cheek and she squeezed his hand tightly. "It's okay," he murmured. "I'm here. I'm always here." "You're here," she sighed as he buried his nose in her hair. Her eyes moved down to look at his hand still over her stomach as she held it firmly in place. He was touching her stomach. He hadn't pulled away. His hand was there. And for right then, that was enough. She just wasn't sure how long it would be enough for. This is not what we planned And I know its hard to understand But if this isn't what you want then If this isn't what you need pry my fingers from your hand



oncetherewasaway	Dec 4 2007, 10:48 PM Post #8
McEditor Posts: 1,625 Group: .Grey Girls. Member #23 Joined: October 25, 2006	Disclaimer: It's probably a good thing we don't own Grey's right now. What with the strike and Rose...yeah, definitely a good thing. Of course, if we owned the show, Rose would have died a tragically bloody death last week. Can't say much about the strike though. His hands were shaking. He had avoided cutting all day because his hands wouldn't stop shaking. Which probably had a lot to do with not sleeping at all the night before. Instead he had stayed awake, his hand on his wife's stomach for the first time in weeks and tried to think. Except he couldn't think. He hadn't been able to think all night. Thought and sleep had both escaped him. They were having a baby. Which he knew. He knew she was pregnant, the thought had been keeping him awake now for almost two weeks. But now they were having a baby. She was having a baby. A baby she called Blueberry. A baby who had a heartbeat and a spine and was getting a nose. They were having a baby. She wanted to keep the baby. And he couldn't stop shaking. He hadn't expected that. He didn't know what he expected, he hadn't known where Meredith's head was and it had been driving him nuts but he hadn't expected her to tell him that. She was Meredith, she was the one that was terrified of everything. She was the one that was supposed to be more hesitant. And now she was so damn sure. And he was too scared to even do his job right. He couldn't figure out why this terrified him so much. He hadn't been this scared with Hannah. When Liz had told him, he had panicked for a day or two and then had sat down and talked to her. But now he was so scared he couldn't concentrate. He couldn't sleep. Even eating was becoming a problem. The idea of Meredith having the baby made him almost unable to function normally. Meredith had no idea what a baby would mean. Their lives were perfect. The two of them and Hannah were living some fairy tale version of happily ever after. He was happy, completely happy for the first time in a long time. And a baby would change everything. Babies were hard to take care of, they were messy and meant no sleep, no sex. A baby would tear everything apart. She had no idea how much their lives would change, how hard this would be on them. They were happy. They were happy without a baby. Except now he could tell she was happy. Or would be happy. He caught her rubbing her stomach, a smile on her face all the time. She was excited for a baby. But she had no idea how much this would change their lives, what they could lose. And he couldn't let them lose that. They had been so incredibly perfect. Meredith was his world, their tiny family was his world and it wasn't supposed to have a new member. And now they were getting one. Or at least she wanted it. She wanted Blueberry. She had even given him a nickname and she was happy. He had no idea what he was supposed to do now, what his next step was. He assumed his next step was to think about this. Not avoid it. Not go into surgery so he didn't have to think. He had to actually think about this. Because the voice in his head telling him this was going to be amazing had been an almight roar the night before when he had kept his hand firmly on his wife's still flat belly, long after her own hand had fallen away after she had fallen asleep. Except the thinking thing hadn't worked out so far. He had been trying to think and then his head would become a huge jumble and he stopped thinking before he developed an anneurysm. He didn't know how to think through this one. His wife was pregnant. His wife wanted to keep the baby. And it was amazing and bad all at once. He wasn't sure what thought process that was supposed to follow. He probably needed to talk this out. He needed to talk it out with someone other than Meredith, because when he looked at her, he automatically thought baby. Baby. Or Blueberry now. She was calling him Blueberry. Or her. They might be having a girl, but Meredith kept calling the baby a boy. Which only made his thoughts swirl faster and the shaking worse. He had to talk this out. "Mark!" Derek yelled down the hallway, suddenly seeing his best friend leaning against the nurses' station. "What?" Mark groaned, turning to look at him. "I need you," Derek shrugged and then frowned. "That sounded...bad. But I do." "Your wife's not cutting it for you?" Mark rolled his eyes. "Sorry, Shep, you're not my type." "Don't be an ass," Derek groaned. "I know we're not actually talkng to each other right now...but...I need someone to talk to." "And again...wife's not cutting it for you?" "About this? No." "About what?" Mark frowned and then nodded slowly. "The pregnancy." "Yeah, the pregnancy. Mark, I have no idea what the hell do and thinking is getting me no where. I need to talk." "Fine," Mark sighed, looking at his watch. "Joe's in two hours?" "That sounds good," Derek nodded. "And if I have to listen to you bitch, you're buying me alcohol." "I probably owe you it," Derek sighed. "No probably about it," Mark shook his head. "By the way, your wife's been in the washroom for twenty minutes now. Thought you'd find that important." He turned and walked away quickly. His wife had been in the washroom for twenty minutes. He should go to her, he knew that. He should definitely go to her because he was her husband and he should be there. Part of him wanted to be there. But the other part was shaking badly, hating that she was even sick to begin with and his head hurt. His head hurt because he couldn't figure out whether he should go this wife or not. It seemed wrong that he was pausing at this. She was his wife and she was sick. He should go in there and make sure she was doing okay, hold back her hair, rub her back. He shouldn't even have to think about this. She was his wife and she was pregnant. She was having a baby. He didn't have a reason not to go to her and rub her back. Except he was starting to feel sick himself. This was bad. They weren't supposed to be at this point, they weren't supposed to be this couple. They were Meredith and Derek. They were supposed to be happy and in love. He wasn't supposed to hesitate when she was sick, he was supposed to rush to her side, no questions asked. This was a mess, this was a huge mess and he hated it. He hated it even though he knew a lot of it was his fault. He ran his fingers through his hair as the washroom door swung open and Lexie walked out, shaking her head and then sighing when she saw him. "She's pretty sick," she said as she walked away. "I have a patient but...she's pretty sick." He sighed one more time before heading in the door. Because going anywhere else really wasn't an actual option, not when Meredith was sick. Regardless of hesitation, she was sick. That's all that mattered. "Mer?" he asked quietly, as the door swung shut behind him. "Derek?" she coughed as a stall door opened to reveal her sitting on the floor, her hair falling in her face as she ran a paper towel over her lips, her other hand moving to her stomach. "Oh Mer," he breathed, walking over to her and kneeling down beside her. "I...oh god," she gasped, kneeling over the toilet again as she retched. "It's okay," he murmured, taking her hair in his one hand as he rubbed her back. "I'm here." She emptied her stomach before leaning against his chest, a hand grasping for his as she tried to breathe. He ignored the smell of vomit as he continued rubbing her back, pressing a soft kiss to her neck. "Sorry. I'm...I'm sorry. You're working." "Don't worry about it," he shook his head. "Nothing to be sorry about." "It's...really bad today," she whispered. "Really, really bad." "Do you want to go home?" he asked softly. "Derek," she breathed and then nodded. "I...I still have four hours on my shift but...Dr. Wheeler will kill me." "I'll find him another resident," he sighed. "I don't want you working when you're this bad." "I think it was the salsa," she sighed, turning to look at him. "I finally...I wanted salsa." "Apparently that was a bad idea," he smiled softly. "Apparently," she smiled, cuddling against his chest, her hand moving to bring his down onto her stomach. "Hmm..." he murmured, tensing slightly but leaving his hand there. "I'm...better," she sighed. "Well, not better. But...I'm not going to throw up. Or maybe that's because I don't have anything to throw up anymore. But...better." "Better is good," he nodded. "Don't eat anything else to heavy." "I won't," she promised, moving to wrap her arms around him as she yawned. "What time...what time are you coming home?" "Oh," he frowned, squeezing her tightly. "I'm...I asked Mark out for drinks because I need...but I can cancel if you need me home." "No," she shook her head. "You need...you need time and...Hannah's at Jenny's so I should...I just need sleep. You can go out of drinks. Because you need time and...you need time." "I won't stay out too late. I doubt he'll want to put up with me for long anyway." "You should...I mean, after you've taken time and everything...ask if he's okay." "You noticed that too?" "He and Addison...something's wrong, Der. And he's...he's not...oh god," she gasped, turning quickly to retch over the toilet again. "Mer..." he breathed, already beside her again, rubbing her back as she hugged the toilet. "Blueberry's grounded when he's born," she mumbled under her breath. "Oh," he nodded, having no idea what else to say. Because she was calling the baby Blueberry and talking about him being born and it made him want to push her aside so he could get sick. "I'm...home," she sighed. "Home and...just...pager? Keep your pager or cell phone or...but you need time and I'll be okay." "Are you okay to drive home?" he asked. "I could...I'm not cutting so I could drive you home quickly. "I'm fine, Der," Meredith nodded, standing up shakily and making her way to the sink, splashing water over her face. "Okay," he nodded, walking up behind her. "But you're calling the second you get home so I know you made it safely." "I will," she smiled slightly, leaning against the sink as she took a deep breath. "Mer...maybe you should just hide in my office for a bit." "Why?" "You look like crap. Beautiful crap but crap. I don't know if I want you driving." "Beautiful crap?" she giggled slightly. "Only you can manage it," he laughed softly. "Maybe just for a little bit," she murmured. "Good," he nodded. "And you need to see if you can keep some crackers and water down." "I'll try," she smiled softly. "All I can ask for," he murmured, running his hand along her back. "I love you," she whispered, turning and kissing his cheek. "I love you too," he smiled gently. "I really do." "I know," she sighed, moving towards the door, her hand in her labcoat pocket. "Derek?" "Yeah?" "I um...a couple...I have..." she bit her lip and then shook her head. "Have a good time with Mark." "Oh okay," he nodded. "Let me know when you're headed home." "I will," she nodded, walking out of the bathroom quickly, her hand still on her stomach. She was going to say something else, he had no idea what it was but there was something she wasn't saying. It had been on her mind for the last few days and she never actually said it. Which was confusing. It was added on the end of a very long list on confusing thought he was having. Thoughts that one second told him to run after her and tell her he wanted this and the next told him to run the other way. He should want this. He knew that. He knew he should want this. She was his wife. They were married, they were in love. She was his everything. He should want this. There shouldn't be a single part of him telling him to run away. But there was. There was a very big part of him that wanted to run away and make this all a very bad dream. And then there was the very big part reminding him that he should want this. And there was that voice that wasn't even a quiet voice anymore that kept screaming things about how amazing this could be. Because Hannah had been amazing, diffcult, stressful, but amazing. And this was Meredith. The love of his life was carrying his baby and that voice definitely thought that was amazing. He knew he should probably just listen to that voice. He tried to remember if he had been this terrified with Hannah. After she had been born, yes. But he couldn't remember if he had been standing in washrooms when Hannah's mom had been pregnant, fighting the urge to be sick. He couldn't remember if he had ever been unable to work because of the fear. He didn't think so, but he wished he could figure out what about this was so hard. This was Meredith. Nothing with Meredith had ever been hard. Well convincing her to give him a chance had been complicated but he had always known what he wanted when it came to her. He wanted her, plain and simple. He wanted her and anything she wanted. And now his wife, who at one point thought she didn't want children, wanted their baby. And he was confused. Their roles had completely shifted. Usually he was sure about them. He was sure about their future and what they could have together. Now, he was fighting the panic while she called the baby inside her Blueberry and had apparently read books to know what was going on with their baby, and with her own body. Everything was shifting and his head was aching. Hopefully talking to Mark would help. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He was supposed to be talking. He dragged Mark, who wasn't even talking to him, out to the bar so he could talk and now he was just staring at the scotch in his hands, wishing he could have more than one or two but knowing he coudn't go home to his pregnant wife drunk. And he had no idea how to actually start talking about this, what he was supposed to say at this point. They had been sitting here for over an hour, Mark had had more than a couple of drinks, but neither of them had really said anything. In an hour, he hadn't said a word, just stared at the Scotch he had been nursing for much too long. And tried to think through everything. Tried to think through walking into his office to find his wife sound asleep. Tried to think through waking her up to make sure she was okay. Tried to think through the fact that he had a pregnant wife at home. "I'm terrified," he finally admitted. "Of?" Mark sighed, lifting up his glass towards Joe. "The baby. I'm terrified of the baby and what it would do." "It's a baby," Mark sighed. "It cries. It shits. Eats. Vomits. You remember that, right? Hannah was a baby once." "Yeah," Derek nodded. "If I didn't remember that we wouldn't be having this problem." "I'm not seeing what the problem is." "Having Hannah was hell. You remember what it was like...sleepless nights, tears...mine, not Hannah's. I was barely standing by the time she turned one." "And you did it alone," Mark shrugged. "Well, I was there. But let's face it, I was entirely useless." "You were," Derek nodded. "Guess it's good that..." Mark shook his head. "Meredith would be here there this time." "I know she would," Derek sighed. "I just...how am I supposed to risk this?" "Risk what?" "Risk everything," Derek snapped. "We're happy. The three of us are this strange little happy family. I didn't even know it was possible to be this happy and yet I am. I'm happy. My life is perfect. How am I supposed to risk losing that?" "Your life is fucking perfect." "That's the point. I have this perfect life and a baby changes everything. Meredith doesn't get that, she doesn't know. She has no idea that Blueberry could kill us." "Who the fuck is Blueberry?" "The baby. Meredith nicknamed the baby Blueberry. Something about it being the size of a blueberry. You should see the smile on her face when she says it." "You should see the smile on your face right now." "What? I'm not smiling." "You said Meredith and Blueberry in the same sentence and you looked the exact same you did the day Hannah was born," Mark shrugged. "Yeah well...it seems kind of amazing," Derek sighed. "I keep remembering when she told me she couldn't date me because she didn't do kids." "And now she's having a kid." "That she wants. She wants to have a baby." "You know, Derek, ten years ago some random slut you slept with a few times told you she was knocked up and she didn't want it and you begged her to keep it. You remember that?" "Of course I remember that." "And you got Hannah. What if she had aborted Hannah like you're thinking about aborting Blueberry?" "I...I...aborting?" he breathed. "Isn't that what you're talking about? You don't want the kid?� "I didn't....I didn't say that." "That's usually what people do with kids they don't want." "It's...I didn't...I don't know what I'm supposed to do, what I'm supposed to feel," Derek sighed. "We were happy, we were so damn happy." "And what now you won't be happy?" Mark slammed his drink down. "You want to know what makes people not happy, Derek? Not having fucking kids. Wanting them and not being able to have them. There are people all over the fucking world who would kill to be in your shoes." "Mark...what?" "You have this perfect life. You and Meredith are happy. You lead this fucking charmed life where you get everything you want and you take it for granted. You act like a baby could screw that up. You're a selfish bastard, Shep. A selfish fucking bastard who is making this more complicated than you have to be because you have it all and you can't accept that." "But..." "Babies don't fuck things up, Derek. They can, but they don't. Not when you have a wife who can have them. Not when you probalby want them but you act like you don't because you want your perfect charmed life. You have to be the best surgeon, the best husband, the best dad and you keep acting like this is going to fuck everything up. I'd kill to be in your shoes right now." "Mark..." "Your wife is pregnant. She's pregnant with your baby and you're actually sitting here telling me you don't want it? You wanted Hannah so fucking bad and she did fuck everything up, Derek. You gave up your life for her and you have the balls to tell me this baby you're wife is carrying is going to do more damage than Hannah did? You're sitting in a bar while your wife is sick and telling me you don't want this baby?" "I don't...." "Why the fuck not?" Mark demanded. "Why the fuck don't you want this baby? It's a baby, Derek. It's your kid. Yours. Just like Hannah. Only it's yours and Meredith's. Not yours and some random slut's. Yours and Meredith's. And you don't want it. Which is bullshit. I know you, Shep, you want this kid and you're just making things complicated for the fun of it. You know what's really complicated? Infertility treatments. Those are complicated. Not having a baby with your wife." "Infertility..." "Those are complicated. Wanting a baby desperately and watching your wife cry herself to sleep every night because she can't have kids. Because suddenly she wants them. Before they were a maybe and now she wants a kid so bad she cries herself to sleep every night and I can't do a fucking thing. Because I'd rather not be doing infertility treatments. I just want my wife back." "Mark...you and Addison..." "Can't have kids," Mark groaned, draining his drink. "Shit," Derek breathed. "So don't sit here and tell me the worst thing in the world for your marriage is having Blueberry or Blackberry. My marriage is barely hanging on by a thread." "I...I had no idea," Derek shook his head. "I've been...god, I'm a crap friend." "I haven't been throwing it out there. But yeah, crap friend covers it." "I'm sorry. I...is there anything I can do..that's a stupid question but...talking or something." "Talking doesn't change anything," Mark shrugged. "Addie can't have kids. We were trying the treatments for a while, I refused." "You refused?" "I wanted my wife back," Mark sighed. "Do you have any idea what it's like? No...because you have your perfect fucking life with your perfect fucking Blueberry." "You might want to talk to Mer. She probably wants her husband back. I hope she wants her husband back." "I didn't even want kids, Derek," Mark shook his head. "I had enough with the neices and nephews and now..." He looked down into his empty glass. "Joe, more scotch." "That's crap. That's complete crap. You and Addison..." "Are barely hanging on at this point. She wants her own baby and I...we can't have them. Didn't think it would hurt this much." "Have you thought about adoption?" "Derek, at this point, I'm trying to save what's left of my marriage. Adoption can come later." "It's that bad?" "What do you think?" Mark looked up at him, tears in his eyes. "We spent months blaming each other. And now I'm telling her to fuck the treatments." "The treatments could help," Derek sighed. "And it's not like you can't afford them." "They don't help. They haven't helped. And she's...you've seen her. She's a wreck." "She is," Derek nodded. "You should...get out of town, take a vacation." "I'll think about it," Mark shrugged. "I'm just saying, Derek. There's a lot worse things in the world that can kill marriage besides a baby." "I know," Derek nodded slowly. "And you love her. You didn't love Hannah's mom. Hell, you didn't see her for three months until she told you. You keep that baby but not the baby your wife is carrying?" "You make it sound so damn easy." "What the fuck about this isn't easy?" "Right now...I don't actually know. I'm just...I didn't want this. I didn't expect this and I don't know how to deal with it." "It's your kid, Shep. You didn't want it. It happened. Exact same with Hannah. Only this time it's with the woman you love." "It is," Derek nodded slowly. "Why the hell would you get rid of it? Because it's going to stay up all night and cry for a year? Big fucking deal. I'm not sure why the hell you're acting like this is the world's biggest tragedy." "I don't know." "Why the hell did you keep Hannah, Derek?" "Because...I wanted to be a dad. I wanted to be a dad more than anything and suddenly... I could be. I couldn't give that up. I couldn't give up my baby." "What? And this one's not your baby?" Mark smirked. "You think your wife got pregnant by herself?" "She got pregnant from rough sex on the kitchen counter to avoid talking about whether we wanted her to get pregnant or not." "Still...you had a part in that." "I know I did. I know it's mine...it's...mine." "It's yours." "And I've been a crap husband." "No shit," Mark sighed. "Missing appointments, not even looking at her. It's a miracle the stress hasn't gotten to her yet." "Appointments?" "One appointment," Mark corrected himself. "Addison said Meredith practically had a nervous breakdown." "She...she didn't tell me," Derek breathed. "I would have gone." "You don't act like you would have." "I would have," Derek nodded firmly. "I...she's my wife." "Your wife who is currently puking her guts up while you sit around acting like your baby is the worst thing in the world." "I've been there for that. I was with her today." "How long did it take you to figure out to get your ass in there?" "A few minutes." "She's your wife, Derek," Mark said as Joe poured him another glass of Scotch. "And that's your kid. You couldn't get rid of your kid ten years ago. What the hell makes you think you want to now?" "Told you...terrified." "You were terrified with Hannah too. Didn't mean you wanted to get rid of her." "I know," he sighed. "And I swear, Shep, if you make Meredith get rid of this kid, your marriage is going to be ten times more fucked up than if you keep him." "I know," he nodded. "She has a nickname for him." "Blueberry. You told me." "I don't know what to do." "He's your kid." "I know." "So get your ass home and be with your wife and kid," Mark sighed. "I'll stick around here." "Are you okay?" "I'll make it." "If you need anything...I know there's not actually anything we can do but anything...Mer and I are here for you guys." "Just don't tell Mom yet," Mark sighed, running his hand over his face. "We'll get there. When we can talk without resenting each other." "Won't say anything," Derek nodded. "Good," Mark nodded. "Now get your ass home to your wife and kid. Your kid. Not the ten year old. Your baby." "Going," Derek sighed. "Thanks. I didn't deserve this but thanks." "You deserve to get your ass kicked. And I'll do it if you get rid of this kid." "Duly noted," Derek nodded, getting up from his seat. "Joe, don't let him drive home." "I never do," Joe nodded. "Usual, Sloan? Call the cab at eleven?" "Usual?" Derek frowned. "He's here every night," Joe sighed. "Oh," Derek nodded. "Mark...once I get my life figured out I'll help you figure yours out." "There's nothing to figure out," Mark shrugged. "And yours is easy to figure out. Have Blueberry." "Yeah," Derek sighed. "I have to go, Mer needs me. And...we'll talk later." "Yeah," Mark nodded. "See you, Shep." "See you," Derek nodded as he walked out of the bar. You're bruised and beaten down And I'm the one Who's looking for a favor Disclaimer: You know how we've been waiting forever for certain things to happen on the show and they never actually happen? They just don't deliver. And we do. So that thing you've been waiting to happen...it finally happens. Because we don't own the show. "Daddy!" Derek turned quickly to greet his grinning daughter as she ran towards him, Meredith following much slower behind. "Hey Hannah," he grinned. "Hi," she wrapped her arms around him. "Do you have to work still?" "For a bit longer," he nodded, resting his hand on her head. "And you have ballet, don't you?" "Yep," Hannah nodded excitedly. "Mom's taking me. And then Nana's going to pick me up." "Very cool," Derek nodded. "I'll be home by the time you get home so you don't even have to miss me." "Hey, Han, slow down a bit today, okay?" Meredith sighed as she came up to them, her entire body hunched as she leaned against the wall. "You okay?" Derek asked quietly. "Tired," she sighed. "Exhausted actually. She wanted to come see you before we left though." "Of course she did," Derek laughed softly, ruffling his daughter's hair. "Daddy, guess what?" Hannah grinned. "What?" "I got a one hundred on my reading test," Hannah reported proudly. "Wow," Derek breathed. "Great job, Han." "That was the highest grade in my class and Mrs. Garrison says I'll be in the gifted and talented classes next year." "That's amazing, Han. I think that might even call for a special desert or something." "Really? Like...chocolate chocolate cake?" "We can do chocolate chocolate cake." "Yay!" she giggled and then grinned widely. "Tyler!" she ran off towards the nurse's station. Derek laughed softly as he looked at his wife who was still leaning against the wall. "Take a nap when you get home," he murmured, pulling her off the wall so she could lean against him instead. "That's why your mom is picking her up," she murmured against his chest. "I told her I had a long couple of days and...I just need to sleep." "Definitely sleep," he whispered. "I won't be here much longer." "Hmmm," she breathed. "Good." "How's Blueberry doing?" he asked quietly, his one hand lightly resting on her stomach. "Blue..." she trailed off, looking down at his hand and then smiling. "Good. He's...he's good. Making Mom tired but...good." "That's good...that he's good, not that you're tired," he nodded. "I don't think I've ever been this tired in my life," she groaned, though she still had a smile on her face as she moved her hand over his. "Yeah, that happens," he nodded. "Head home and sleep. And I'll join you when I get home before I put supper on." "If you can wake me up to eat," she sighed. "I want to sleep forever." "You have to eat. Anything you want?" "Not right now. Later though...maybe." "Okay, let me know," he nodded. "As long as it goes with chocolate chocolate cake." "Which I assume cuts out the Greek olive bread?" "Well you can have one if you want," he laughed, rubbing her stomach gently. "Definitely need the Greek olive bread," she breathed as his hand moved her abdomen. "We have some at home," he nodded. "Um...we might not," she bit her lip. "Mer...we had half a loaf left when I checked." "Yeah..." "I'll stop and get some on the way home." "Thank you," she smiled widely, kissing him. "Blueberry likes it." "Apparently," he rolled his eyes. "Don't make fun of Blueberry's favorite foods." "I'm not. I like the olive bread, you're the one that usually doesn't." "I know," she sighed. "Which clearly proves he's going to be annoyingly healthy like his daddy. Why can't he like cheesecake or something?" "I think you like cheesecake enough for the whole family." "Hannah likes it too," she smiled. "But the only things I can keep down are Triscuits and vegetables or fruit. That's...that can't be normal. Or right." "That's what happens when you're carrying my offspring." "I should have known," she groaned, lacing her fingers over his as he rubbed her stomach again. "Der..." "Yeah?" "Mom, we're going to be late!" Hannah exclaimed as she came running back. "It's almost four-thirty!" "Oh," Meredith nodded, pulling off of Derek. "Well that would be bad." "Very bad," Hannah agreed. "Especially since if I get the solo this year, next year I'll have pointe shoes." "Pointe shoes?" Derek asked. "Remember, Daddy," Hannah rolled her eyes, "the special shoes that let me dance on my tippy toes." "Oh yes, those," Derek nodded. "Well then, you should get going." "We can't be late," Hannah nodded firmly and then hugged him tightly. "Chocolate chocolate cake, right, Daddy?" "Chocolate chocolate cake," Derek smiled. "And be good for your grandma." "I will," Hannah nodded, running off towards the elevators. "I guess this is goodbye," Derek laughed softly. "I guess," Meredith sighed. "Our daughter has way too much energy." "When Blueberry isn't kicking your ass you're just as bad." "Blueberry isn't kicking my ass," she smiled widely. "He's the size of an olive. He can't kick my ass." "Of course," he rolled his eyes. "I love you," she murmured, kissing him quickly. "I love you too," he breathed. "Get some sleep and I'll be home soon." "Okay," she sighed. "Bye, Der." She moved off of him and to where Hannah was standing, her hands on her hips as she reached forward to grab Meredith's hand and drag her the rest of the way to the elevator. She looked exhausted. He wished he could go home with her now instead of being stuck here. She needed something, he had no idea what it was but he hated sending her home alone. He just needed to check on some post-ops. And then he'd go home. Maybe they would talk. Talking might be good if she wasn't still so tired. They needed to talk or something. He rubbed his hand slightly, the hand that had been resting on her stomach. Since his talk with Mark the day before, he had been trying to be better. Be better for Meredith. And he had a feeling just the fact that he was touching her stomach made her feel better. And asking about Blueberry. He still wasn't entirely sure what to feel, but at this point, anything to make Meredith feel better was what he needed to be doing. This was better, it hadn't been that long but this felt better. He wasn't sure how but at least Meredith seemed better. And now he was feeling like the talk was coming. It would help, it would solidify things and take away whatever issues they still had. They were running low on time and talking was the next step. He just wasn't exactly sure what he was going to say to her. He had spent most of the night thinking about Mark and Addison, instead of thinking about what to say to her. He had come home and she had been sleeping and he didn't want to wake her up. So he had let her sleep, and he had spent most of the night thinking about the fact that his brother was never going to be a dad, and that it was ruining his marriage. He hadn't even thought about Blueberry. Which was probably not a good idea. He knew that Meredith would get it, when he told her Mark's news he wouldn't hold it against him for occupying his thoughts. He felt terrible for him, he was terrified for them and he wanted to do something. But there was nothing, nothing but trying to figure out what to do about Blueberry. Which seemed even more terrifying than Mark and Addison's problems. He sighed as he grabbed a chart and made his way to the NICU to check on a baby he had operated on that morning. Mark and Addison's issues were huge. And they were treading water. They couldn't have a baby, and that was...that was awful. But his wife was carrying a baby. A baby she apparently already loved as she had created a nickname for it. A cute nickname that even he couldn't help but grin at. Blueberry, Meredith was carrying his tiny blueberry. The happy voice in his head, the one that was pretty sure all of this amazing, loved the nickname. He loved the nickname. Blueberry because he was really tiny. Meredith wasn't even showing yet, but he was in there on her hand was permanently on her stomach now. Which was nice, it was nice to see her so happy about this. Five years earlier, she had told him she couldn't date him because he had a daughter. Because she didn't do kids. And now she was carrying their baby. Their little blueberry, and he hadn't seen her this happy in a long time. She was glowing. Which he figured she'd kill him if he said it, his sisters had always threatened to. But she was. Even with the exhaustion and the morning sickness, she was glowing. He wasn't sure she even noticed it. He was pretty sure that she had no idea how happy she was and how much time she spent touching her own stomach. She was thrilled. She was so happy he wondered how other people hadn't started to ask questions. And he wanted to be that happy too, he wanted to smile with her and touch her stomach. Everything about him said that was amazing. But there was still that other voice. That other voice that was telling him this would ruin everything. Hannah had put him through the wringer. He had considered checking himself into the psych ward more than once before she had turned a year old. But Mark was right. Meredith would be there this time. He just wasn't sure how much that actually helped. "Hey, Dr. Shepherd," the NICU nurse greeted him. "He's doing really well." "Good, that's good," Derek nodded, reaching into the incubator. "Poor little guy," she sighed. "But vitals are good. We had a little scare earlier but he's doing a lot better." "Have the parents been in to see him?" "Mom came in earlier," she nodded. "Dad's still a bit iffy about it." "Doesn't want to see his little one in bad shape," Derek sighed. He got that. He had had a little one. He might have another little one coming. If he said yes. If he told Meredith he wanted her to keep Blueberry. "I think Mom's talking him into it though," the nurse smiled as she wrote down some information into the chart. "I don't think I've ever seen a dad cry like that. We get a lot of worried moms, not as many worried dads." "I get it," Derek nodded. Because he did. He had been terrified of something being wrong with Hannah and now, now Meredith had Blueberry. Blueberry was still too tiny to know if he was okay, there could be lots of bad things wrong that they didn't even know about. And he could understand a worried father. Not enough fathers worried enough. "At least they prepared themselves," she sighed. "They knew what was going to happen the second he was born." She looked up as a nearby monitor went off. "I have to check on another baby, you okay to finish, Dr. Shepherd?" "Of course," Derek nodded. They knew. The parents had known this was going to happen. He had sat down with them before the baby had even been born to explain everything that had happened. He watched them both break down while he thought of his own baby and now theirs was okay. They had known it would be a battle but it was okay now. At least they had known. "Let me know if you need anything," the nurse smiled widely as she walked away towards the beeping monitors. He had no idea how Blueberry was. He had no idea what he expected if they decided to keep him, he had no idea if another surgeon would have to operate on his baby and he had no idea if he was even healthy enough to carry full term. Meredith had had the appointment, she knew something. But he didn't. He had no idea how Blueberry was and that was wrong. It was definitely wrong. Blueberry was his baby. His baby and he had no idea if everything had checked out at the appointment. He didn't know if Meredith was going to be running any tests to make sure everything really was okay. He didn't know anything. All knew was that there was a baby. A baby who was now as big as an olive, but had once been as small as a blueberry. That was all he knew. Which made him feel like an ass. Meredith was dealing with this all alone. Meredith hadn't even thought to tell him about her appointment because she thought that she was entirely in this. Which was wrong. He had promised her that she would never be alone again and now she had probably spent weeks worrying about Blueberry and about him and he had done nothing to help her. He stared at the baby in the incubator in front of him, the little boy who didn't even have a name yet, because his parents had been too scared to become attached to him. He had watched them break down just two weeks earlier, both of them crying after he told them their newborn would need brain surgery. But they had been in this together, they had helped each other. And he hadn't even thought to do the same thing for Meredith. He had given her the impression he didn't want to be involved. He was trying now, he was making an effort but it didn't feel like it was enough. Meredith did this for a living, she saw everything that he saw and she had to have the same fears. Meredith was somehow managing to be strong amongst all of this and she had to be terrified. He was terrified and he wasn't even sure how he felt. She was pregnant and that was big, that was huge. He looked around at the sick babies in the incubators, at the preemies, at the machines keeping them alive. And he felt his heart skip a beat. This could be his baby. He had spent hours worrying about it before Hannah had been born, a week late and completely healthy. But now it was back again. The fear that this could be Blueberry. And he didn't even know if Blueberry was growing okay. He had been so concentrated on his other fears, on him and Meredith and Hannah he hadn't even thought about the other life that was involved. It had been the baby, it had been the thing that was making Meredith sick and nothing more, nothing he wanted to think more of. But Blueberry was his. Blueberry was his and anything could go wrong. The babies surrounding him proved anything could go wrong. He needed to know. He needed to know that Blueberry was okay, that Meredith was okay. He should have known by now. He had known about Hannah every step of the way. He had been to every appointment, seen every ultrasound and sonogram. He had heard her heart beating when she was a little bit bigger than Blueberry was right now. He had known. And he needed to know now. Which probably said something, it probably said something really big that he hadn't even considered. He didn't feel sick thinking about it anymore. He wanted to rub his hand again, the one that had been rubbing her stomach earlier. She was pregnant with his Blueberry and he didn't know how everything was. But he wanted to and that should mean something. He didn't want something to be wrong. He ran his hand over the baby's bandages, his chest twisting. This could be his baby. This could be his Blueberry. It wasn't, but it was possible. He felt tears building in his eyes and he took a deep breath as he closed the incubator and signed his name quickly to the chart. He should have been at that appointment. Meredith hadn't told him about it, but he should have been there. For her and for their little blueberry. He needed to get home and talk to her. He still wasn't sure what to say, what to do but he needed to at least talk to her and see how his baby was. That she kept calling him and he and he didn't even know why. She didn't know but she acted like she knew. Which was amazing, his little boy. She might be carrying his little boy or his little girl and he needed to know more. Before something bad happened. He suddenly felt an overwhelming need to know everything. To know how fast the heartbeat was, to know that the kidneys were developing properly, to know exactly what Addison had said. He wanted to know when exactly Blueberry could get here, because Meredith had just said around Christmas. But he needed to know exactly when. He needed to know everything. Every little thing. He had to get home now. He had some more patients he should probably check in on but they could wait, or he could get a resident to check up on them. They were post op and so far they had been fine. They could wait. Meredith and Blueberry couldn't wait. He needed to talk to her, he needed to find out that his baby was okay and then figure out what to do next. He had a feeling he knew. Because this was Blueberry. This was Blueberry and Meredith. And because suddenly, the idea of losing Blueberry made him sick. The idea of losing something he had never even wanted made him...he wasn't even sure. He hadn't wanted this. He hadn't wanted another baby. He loved their perfect life. But Blueberry was on his way and...losing him was unimaginable. His heart was racing as he reached his office and he pulled off his scrubs. She'd be at home by now, probably sound asleep from the way she had looked when she was leaving. And Hannah would be gone for a while, with ballet and then doing something with his mom. Which was good, it was really good and it would give them time to talk. He had to figure out what this fear meant. He had seen a lot of devastated parents. In all of his years of being a doctor, he had seen too many parents completely devastated by the loss of a baby. Or just a child. They were his least favorite cases. There was nothing worse than telling parents their child hadn't made it. Even parents who had never wanted kids were devastated. Parents who stared at him when he told them their baby hadn't survived, tears in their eyes. Parents like Jacob Hanes who hadn't even thought to be concerned about his baby but the second he had found out that the baby was gone he had been devastated. Derek couldn't become that parent. He couldn't loose the baby he hadn't even wanted, he couldn't lose the baby period. Meredith was far too happy and he wanted to be that happy. he wanted that for them. His mind raced as he drove home, his heart pounding in his ears. He couldn't imagine losing Blueberry. He didn't even know the baby, he had no idea how this baby was doing and he already felt a soaring amount of emotion towards him or her. He wasn't sure what it was, but he knew he needed to get home to them. He knew he needed to know everything, needed to protect them both. "Mer?" he called as he walked into the house, not surprised to hear no answer. She was sleeping, probably up in their bed. She needed the sleep and he would let her get it. He was home, that's what matter. Blueberry needed his or her mother to sleep. He just needed to see her, watch her sleep and know that for now at least they were both okay. Talking could come later. He had forgotten her bread. He realized that as he was walking up the stairs towards their bedroom. He'd get yelled at for that later. But bread didn't seem all that important when he needed to see her, when he needed to watch her sleep and make sure everything was okay, needed to make sure they were both healthy. He opened their bedroom door slowly and smiled when he saw her, sound asleep on her back, her hand resting slightly on her stomach. She was okay, he knew she would be but it was good to see her sleeping fine. She looked better, some colour that had been missing earlier had returned to her cheeks and she looked peaceful. Peaceful was good. He moved slowly, trying not to move the bed too much as he crawled beside her. He didn't want to wake her up. He just needed to beside her. That was enough. He turned onto his side and looked at her, his eyes moving up and down her body as her chest rose and fell. She looked different. He had noticed that a few times, but never like this. Her face was a little fuller and she was...softer. She looked softer. She had always been so thin, and now there was something about her that looked much softer. Her chest was bigger. He had noticed that first but had never concentrated on it, her chest had grown. And everything else was starting to round out, in this entirely gorgeous way that made his heart feel ever so slightly tighter. His Meredith, who had never wanted children, was pregnant with his second child and she looked amazing. And he was just noticing it. He ran his hands down her sides, pausing as he noticed something new, something entirely new. She felt...different. Around her stomach, she was different. He couldn't exactly place his finger on it, but something was different. Her hips were a little bigger, her chest was a lot bigger, but there was something about her stomach that he couldn't remember ever noticing before now. He lifted her shirt slowly, watching her face carefully to make sure he wasn't waking her up. She needed her sleep, she couldn't wake up yet. He just needed to look at her. Mainly look at her stomach. That was so different. It wasn't as flat. There was no bump, not quite yet but it wasn't exactly Meredith's stomach. It had changed. Blueberry had already left his or her mark on her body. He ran his hand lightly over the smallest bit of fat that was there now, smiling as his hand rounded just a little. Blueberry. His little blueberry was in there right now, already changing her completely. She had griped about her jeans being too tight and this was why. She didn't have a bump, but she had gained weight. She was gaining weight in her stomach, where their baby was growing. Their baby was in there. He had felt her stomach a couple of times, but never like this, never thinking about exactly what was in her stomach, their baby. Which was so amazing. For once there was no other voices in his head, jut the one that kept screaming that this was amazing. There was a baby in her. Their baby which was perfect. And she looked amazing. His breath caught in his throat as he watched a tear fall onto her stomach. She was having his baby. She was carrying his second child. His son or daughter was in there and he pressed his lips softly to the skin, his fingers still dancing across her slightly raised abdomen. He was going to be a daddy again. He hadn't even thought he wanted it, but he was going to be a daddy again.



oncetherewasaway	Dec 4 2007, 10:50 PM Post #9
McEditor Posts: 1,625 Group: .Grey Girls. Member #23 Joined: October 25, 2006	"Mer..." he murmured, kissing her stomach again. "Mer...wake up." "Hmmm..." she groaned. "Wake up," he repeated. "Please wake up." "Der," she sighed, her eyes opening and then closing again. "Sleep." "Later..." he whispered, his voice catching in his throat. "I need to talk to you. Now." "Sleep now. Talk later," she sighed as her eyes fluttered open again. "No. Now. I need...now, Mer." "I hate you," she mumbled, forcing her eyes to stay open as she looked at him. "What?" "Let's do it." "Do...it?" she frowned. "Derek, if you woke me up for sex..." "No, not sex," he shook his head, taking a deep breath. "Let's have Blueberry." "Let's...Blueberry," she suddenly sat up slightly, her eyes wide. "Have...you want to...I mean, you want to have Blueberry? Like...have him?" "Yeah," he nodded, smiling up at her. "I...let's do this, Mer." "Seriously?" she breathed. "You...seriously?" "Seriously. I'm done thinking, I can't keep thinking. It's...yeah, Mer. Blueberry." "You're...you're done thinking." "I am," he nodded. "I want this. I'm terrified but...I want this." "You want this," she whispered, her eyes filling with tears. "You want this." "I do," he breathed. "I want our son...our daughter...whatever. I want more family, with you." "Oh," she breathed, her hand moving down to her stomach. "Oh." "Say something," he laughed softly. "Please." "I don't...you...we're going to have a baby." "We are," he nodded. "Our Blueberry." "Our Blueberry," she giggled as a tear trailed down her cheek and she leaned forward to kiss him. "Our Blueberry." "I'm sorry," he murmured, his hand running over her stomach. "I am so sorry." "It's...it's not okay," she shook her head. "I could tell you it is but it isn't because...but now you know. And now...Blueberry. We're having him and he's...I think he's a he. I don't know why but I do. I really do." "Boy...I wanted Hannah to be a boy. Which I never actually said out loud, but I wanted her to be a boy so if Blueberry is a boy...that would be good." "I could be wrong," she sighed. "Blueberry could be a girl but...I don't think so." "It doesn't matter," he shook his head. "It doesn't?" "No," he shook his head. "It's Blueberry." "It's Blueberry," she breathed, running her hand over his hair as he kissed her stomach again. "I am so sorry, Mer. I shouldn't have...I love you. And I love our family, any family. I never...I'm sorry." "I know. I know you're sorry." "Mark told me about your appointment. I shouldn't have missed that. I won't miss anymore." "He wasn't supposed to tell," she shook her head. "I...I didn't think...I thought it was just me getting checked on and...I didn't think you'd want to be there. I thought it would confuse everything and it did. For me. It...and I couldn't tell you." "I get it," he nodded. "I just...I wish I hadn't made you feel like that. You're not supposed to feel alone...ever." "I...I did. Feel alone. I mean, Lexie was there. And Addison. And George and Alex and...but you weren't. You weren't." "I'm here now. I'm not missing anything else, I promise," he murmured. "Okay." "I mean it, Mer. I shouldn't have...I should have never not been part of this. But I want this...I'm part of this now." "Because you want Blueberry." "I do," he nodded. "Are you okay?" "You mean right now?" she sighed, smiling slightly. "Right now. Over all. I haven't asked. Not really," he sighed. "And right now you seem...I don't know." "I'm exhausted, Der," she murmured. "And this...I thought...I mean I hoped and you...I think I'm kind of in shock. And exhausted. But overall...I'm fine. Everything looks good." "Good," he nodded. "And...Blueberry? Is Blueberry okay?" "Blueberry's perfect," she grinned and then sat up quickly. "Do you...I mean, do you want to see a picture?" "Picture? What?" "A picture," she smiled, opening her bedside table drawer and pulling out a picture from in between the pages of a book. She smiled for a second and then turned back to him, holding out a creased sonogram picture. "Addison did it. At my appointment." "You have a picture?" he breathed, grabbing for it. "It's old," she grinned. "I mean...he's bigger now. But that was...that's when he was a blueberry. It's a couple weeks old but...I have a picture." "It's...it's our baby," he murmured, letting a tear fall down his cheek. "It's Blueberry," she breathed. "It is," he whispered. "Wow." "That's um...I mean, right there," she pointed, "that's his heart. I could see it...it was beating. But he's small. He's a blueberry there and now...now he's bigger. A lot bigger. Not big big just...bigger than a blueberry." "When...I want to see him, when can I see him?" he asked quietly. "You..." she smiled softly, her hand moving over her stomach. "I have an appointment next week. With Addison. I...because I read in the book I can hear his heartbeat and...I want to hear it." "I'll be there," he nodded. "I want to be there." "I want you to be there too," she murmured. "I will be," he promised. "And...we need more pictures. I want one for my office." "Seriously?" she giggled breathlessly. "Seriously," he nodded. "You want...of Blueberry?" "Well...yeah." "Okay," she nodded, her grin growing. "We can get pictures." "Good," he nodded. "Our...baby." "Our baby," she echoed. "And you...I mean, you want this and...you're not just...you didn't want more." "I didn't," he shook his head. "And I still...this isn't what we planned but it's what happened. And...now that he's here, I want him. I can't...he's my son or she's my daughter." "Son," she smiled. "I think. I'm pretty sure." "Son," he nodded. "Just...now that he's here, I want it. I can't...I can't not have him." "I know," she breathed. "I...I can't either. He's...he's ours. And it's scary and huge and I don't...I have no idea if I can do this, Derek. I don't. But he's here and he has a heart beat and fingers and...I've told you all of this. I know. I know I have." "I know you have," he nodded. "And now I'm listening. And...you're terrified, aren't you?" "Completely," she murmured. "I...something could go wrong and I...I don't know how to be a mom to a baby. Hannah was...she was easy. But a baby...I don't know how to do that. I don't. Everyone thinks I'm going to be great and I might not be. I could be really, really bad. And I...I'm terrified." "So am I," he admitted. "We can be terrified together." "At least you've done this before." "Which is why I'm terrified." "You're...why?" she murmured as he rested his head on her stomach, her fingers playing in his curls. "It was hell the first time," he sighed. "I told you that stuff, I told you how I cried myself to sleep." "So you think...you think it could be hell again," her eyes widened. "Yeah," he nodded. "I can't...I wish I could pretend that I'm confident about this but I'm not. It's why things have been so...hard." "Oh," she breathed. "Oh." "Don't freak," he shook his head. "I'm...scared but we're doing this. Me and you...we're doing this. It's okay." "We're doing this," she nodded slowly. "It won't always be easy but...we've never done easy." "No, we haven't," she giggled slightly. "We love each other. And we love Hannah. And Blueberry." "And Blueberry," she smiled, her hand falling from his hair to her abdomen. "I love him. Which is...I don't even know him. He's a blueberry. Or an olive now. Or...I can't remember what comes after olive. Next week he'll be even bigger. But I...he's small. And I don't know him and he doesn't do anything except kick my ass but I...I love him." "I know you do," he nodded. "I can see it in your face when you're talking about him.' "Do you...I mean, you don't have to yet. I understand if you don't." "I don't know," he admitted. "I think right now I'm still adjusting to even wanting him. But I will, I know that." "Good," she smiled. "And we can manage this." "We can." "I love you." "I love you too," she breathed. "I...I thought you wouldn't and I...I'm glad you did. I'm glad you do and I love you." "I didn't think I would either," he admitted. "Mark helped. A lot." "Mark helped?" "Yeah...he...he gave me some perspective." "Mark? Mark Sloan? He gave you perspective?" "Him and Addie can't have kids." "What?" she breathed. "Are they...I mean, are they sure? Did they try the treatments?" "They've tried everything and nothing is working," Derek sighed. "That...that explains things. A lot of things. But...is he okay? Are they okay?" "No, I don't think so," he shook his head. "He said...their marriage is hanging by a thread." "Oh god," Meredith breathed. "I...they...they've only been married a year longer than us, Derek. They...and they didn't even...that's...they're not okay. They're not okay and that's...they have to be okay. It's them. And they love each other and they...but he gave you perspective. He gave you perspective and I thought...I thought things and George said he'd marry me and Blueberry and..." "Woah," Derek frowned. "Them...it sucks, Mer. And if they can't...it will suck. But...that has nothing to do with us. We're...us, Mer. We're having a baby and...we're good. We're not hanging by a thread." "We came close." "Yeah, maybe we did," he nodded. "But...we held on. And the next bit...months, years...might not be easy. But we will always hang on." "We better," she yawned widely. "We will. 110 Mer, remember?" "Hmmm," she nodded. "And you officially need sleep," he laughed softly. "I officially needed sleep when you woke me up," she mumbled, shimmying to lay back down. "I'm sorry. Next time I have something that big to tell you I'll put it off." "Don't you dare." "That's what I thought," he murmured, laying down beside her. "What do you want for supper?" "Quesadillas," she whispered. "No...um...lemon chicken. With rice and...and tuna. Do we have tuna?" "I'll check in a bit." "With ranch sauce." "Gross." "Or peanut butter. Maybe peanut butter." "On your tuna?" "Maybe," she breathed as he wrapped his arms around her, his hands resting on her stomach. "Whatever you want, Mer, but that's gross." "I know," she sighed. "Blame your baby." "I'm not blaming Blueberry." "It's his fault." "Sure, blame my baby." "I'm going to." "You're just using the pregnancy as an excuse to try gross combinations you've been dying to try." "Seriously?" she turned to him, her eyes flashing. "You think I like eating gross disgusting things one minute and then throwing them up the next? Seriously?" "Mer...I was joking...shh..." he murmured. "Ass," she hissed, hitting his shoulder. "It was a joke." "You're joking with your tired hormonal pregnant wife. That makes you an ass." "Sorry," he murmured, pulling her close as he rubbed her back. "Does this help?" "Maybe," she sighed. "You're still an ass." "I'll make you your tuna and peanut butter." "I don't want tuna and peanut butter." "You just...what do you want?" "Steak." "Fine, I'll make you your steak." "Good," she yawned, her hand moving to join the one that was wrapped around her abdomen. "Sleep," he whispered. "I'll stay here for a bit." "Okay," she breathed, her eyes falling shut. "I love you." "Love you too," she mumbled. Her breathing deepened as she quickly fell back asleep, her fingers tangled in his as she held his hand closely to her stomach. Her stomach that was getting bigger now that she was pregnant. And now she was staying pregnant. For the next six months of their lives she was going to be pregnant. It would be amazing to watch her get big and fat and pregnant. He tightened his hand slightly, smiling as he buried his nose in her hair. The other voice was still there, a little. The one that said this was too scary. But it was the other voice...the big loud voice that kept screaming Blueberry that he heard. The voice that swore this would be different from last time, better than last time. And for the first time in almost three months, he felt completely at peace. Life is beautiful, but it's complicated. We barely make it. We don't need to understand, There are miracles, miracles. Disclaimer: Kristin should probably learn the definition of the word spoiler and be taught that when you take something from a promo it's not actually that much of a spoiler. Of course if we owned the show she wouldn't have that spoiler at all. Stupid Rose. Her jeans wouldn't button. Yesterday they would button. Yesterday they were the only pair of jeans she had left that would button. But this morning they refused to close all the way. Which was impossible, there was no way she got that much bigger over night. It was bad enough that she was wearing baggy shirts to hide things, she at least needed a pair of pants that fit her properly. She stared down at the jeans that were hanging open. Bed. She could lay down on the bed and suck in and try it that way. They had to fit if she did it that way. Because there was no way her very last pair of jeans had become too small in a twenty four hour period. No way at all. She sighed as she fell back onto the bed, sucking in her breath and trying to pull her jeans closed. "What are you doing?" Derek frowned as he walked into the room, a towel around his waist. "Trying...I can't..." Meredith gasped as she let go of her jeans, letting her arms fell to her side. "Shit." "That wasn't an actual answer. At least not one that made sense." "They don't fit." "Oh," he smiled and then quickly faked a frown. "That's not good." "No it's not good," she groaned. "It's not good. Nothing about that is good because they were my last pair of jeans that fit. Yesterday they fit. Yesterday they fit and I could button them. Today...I'm not that big. I'm not. Right? I'm not that fat?" "No," he shook his head quickly. "You're not fat. You're stomach's a little more round, that's all. It's sexy." "My stomach is round?" she frowned, staring at her stomach. "Fat?" "Pregnant." "Pregnant," she sighed. "I...I can't look pregnant yet. That's not...the book said that doesn't happen unless...unless you're really skinny which I guess I am and...I can't look pregnant yet. And I can't...I can't not fit into my jeans yet." "You don't look pregnant," he sighed. "If I didn't know I wouldn't be able to notice. Well I would...but normal people wouldn't." "So then I look fat." "You don't look fat. You look sexy as all hell and if we didn't have an appointment to get to I'd be taking advantage of your undone pants." "You would," she rolled her eyes as she looked down at her stomach. It was rounder. Not a lot. But she was definitely...it was rounder. Showing. She was starting to show. And she had been getting away with baggy tops but now..."I don't have pants." "Wear your sweats," he shrugged. "Or one of your skirts." "Derek, I don't have pants. And if I wear sweats...people will know." "Pull on sweats. We'll sneak in for the appointment and then get you more jeans." "You really think we can sneak into the hospital? Us? Really?" "Mer...we can try," he sighed. "Fine," she groaned. "Sweats then." "And try to smile. Today is...a really good day." "I'm trying," she murmured. "I just...I don't know what's wrong with me today. I don't. Today is a good day. It's a really good day I just...I don't know what's wrong with me." "Hormones, Mer," he shrugged. "It's okay. Just...try not to bite my head off." "Stupid hormones," she sighed. "Stupid freaking hormones. They make me fat and...and don't say I'm not fat. I am. I am fat." "Fine, you're fat. And in the most amazing way." "I should kill you." "You'd be lonely." "I'd have Blueberry," she shook her head, putting her hand on the slightly rounded curve of her belly. Which was a weird feeling. She was used to flatness. Or maybe a little bit of fat. But now her stomach was actually starting to get round. And it felt...amazing. And weird. "And Blueberry would be fatherless." "That would be sad," Meredith admitted as she moved to lay back against the pillows, her hand still moving up and down over the slight roundness. "And I swear to god you're still sext as ever," he smiled, climbing naked onto the bed beside her, kissing her stomach gently. "You're lying," she giggled slightly. "And naked." "Obviously not lying," he murmured, taking her hand a running it along his erection. "Derek," she sighed. "I know we don't have time, just proving a point." "Even if we had time..." "Oh," he nodded. "Okay." "No...don't...I just...I'm dizzy and a little nauseous and fat and bloated and...I'm sorry." "Mer, no need to apologize," he smiled. "There is. Because you want sex. And the last thing I want is sex which is...we have amazing sex. Really amazing sex and you want sex and I don't want sex. Which isn't fair to you." "You don't want sex because you're not feeling well, I get it," he shrugged. "I'm not holding this against you." "Okay," she bit her lip. "And not to mention, Hannah's downstairs." "True," he nodded. "And really don't worry, I know pregnancy well enough to know what's coming." "I'm not worrying," she shook her head quickly, kissing him. "Just...get dressed. Please?" "Getting dressed," he nodded. "Thank you," she murmured, rubbing her hand over her stomach. She hated this. She hated when she was like this. Hormonal and cranky and...and now she was showing. Which was going to lead to questions. From coworkers and..."We have to tell Hannah." "I know we do," he sighed. "She's going to start asking questions," Meredith pointed to her stomach that was very clearly rounded when she laid on her back and her t-shirt smoothed against her. "Yeah, I know she is. And she needs to know." "She does need to know. I mean...she's getting a baby brother. Or sister. But probably a baby brother. So she should probably know. At some point." "We'll tell her," Derek nodded. "Soon. After today." "I don't know. Maybe...I mean, maybe we should wait." "Wait?" "Until...I mean, something could still...Blueberry might...we should wait." "We can't wait forever." "Derek, I know. But first trimester..." "I know," he nodded. "So...after the first trimester?" "Yeah," she murmured. "Another two weeks. Or three. Just...unless something happens." "That's okay," he nodded. "I'm good with waiting." "She'll probably wonder why I'm getting fat though." "Probably," Derek laughed softly. "You can come up with that story." "Me?" "Yes." "Why me?" she groaned as she pulled up her sweat pants. "Because you're the pregnant one," he grinned. "And I might tell our daughter something about liking the new chest." "Okay, a, you got me pregnant. And b, that's not something you would tell our daughter." "I didn't mean to get you pregnant. And I might...I do really like it.' "Well you did. And...I know you do." "Can we keep those?" "Keep them?" she raised an eyebrow. "Yes...after we have Blueberry I wouldn't mind keeping those." "They're not pets, Derek. They're my boobs." "They're huge," he smirked. "And tender and sore," she groaned. "Which reminds me...I need new bras too." "Shopping spree after the appointment," he nodded. "Mom? Daddy?" Hannah knocked at the door. "Can I come in?" "One second, Han," Derek sighed, pulling his pants up. "Okay, come in." "I made breakfast," Hannah grinned widely as she came in a with a huge plate of waffles. "You did," Derek grinned. "Yep, with lots of syrup," Hannah nodded, putting the waffles down on the bed and crawling up to sit next to Meredith. "Thanks, Han," Meredith smiled. "I was going to make coffee but Daddy says I can't use the coffee machine." "Definitely no coffee machine," Derek nodded. "Not old enough yet." "Daddy, I'm ten." "You are?" "Yes. Almost ten and a half." "Oh well then..." "That's pretty old," Hannah grinned. "It is," Derek nodded. "But I think you need to be at least twelve." "Fine," Hannah rolled her eyes. "Are you going to eat waffles, Mom?" "Umm...maybe a couple," Meredith frowned slightly. "Are you still sick?" Hannah frowned. "A little," Meredith nodded. "But feeling a lot better." "Why are you still wearing your pjs?" Hannah asked, taking a bite of a waffle. "Oh...umm...it's not my pjs. Just...comfy clothes." "Comfy clothes?� "Yep," Meredith nodded. "Because I'm...I feel like wearing comfy clothes." "Oh, okay," Hannah nodded and then jumped off the bed quickly as a car pulled up. "That's Jenny and her mom to take me to camp!" "Okay," Derek smiled. "We're picking you two up, right?" "Yeah," Hannah nodded excitedly. "We'll be there," Derek nodded. "Okay," Hannah grinned, wrapping her arms around Meredith's waist and then pulling back slightly. "You're getting kind of fat, Mom." "I'm...what?" "Your stomach..." Hannah frowned. "It's bigger." "Hannah Rose Shepherd, you should learn right now, you never tell a woman they put on weight," Meredith giggled. "Never?" Hannah giggled as Meredith tickled her slightly. "Never ever," Meredith nodded. "Okay," Hannah laughed, hugging her again. "Bye, Mom." "Bye Hannah," Meredith sighed. "Bye, Daddy," Hannah moved to hug Derek before running downstairs. "Good answer," Derek smiled at his wife. "It won't always work," she sighed, pulling one of his sweaters on over her baggy t-shirt. "No, but in a couple of weeks we'll tell her the truth," he smiled. "Hopefully I don't get much fatter," Meredith said as she pulled on her shoes. "Ready to go?" "Definitely," he nodded, taking a deep breath. "Let's do this." "It's just an appointment, Derek," she shook her head, taking his hand and leading him out to the car. "I know," he nodded. "I'm good...I am." "Are you sure?" she frowned slightly, buckling her seatbelt as he got into the driver's side. "Yeah, a little nervous, that's all," he sighed. "Nervous?" she asked, taking his free hand and putting it over her stomach. "Do you think...I mean...I feel good. Nauseous but...you don't think anything's wrong?" "No," he shook his head quickly. "Things are just feeling a little...real all of a sudden." "Oh," Meredith nodded. "Real. Yeah." "This is my first one and it seems...big." "First one for Blueberry," she smiled, squeezing his hand. "First one for Blueberry," he grinned. "The book says he's as big as a prune now," Meredith giggled. "But I still like blueberry better." "Prune would be a terrible name." "It really would. So Blueberry still." "The poor guy is going to be Blueberry forever." "Probably," she giggled. "Blueberry Shepherd." "Cute," he laughed. "Hmmm," she nodded. "Derek?" "Yeah?" "You said...you said you wanted Hannah to be a boy. If she had been a boy...what were you going to name her?" "Michael after my dad." "Hmmm," she nodded. "Except one of the twins is Michael. So it's a good thing she was a girl." "Very true," he nodded. "Hannah was the perfect name." "Lexie got me a baby names book." "She did?" "Yeah. I...there are a lot of names." "We'll figure something out," he nodded. "Are we going to find out the sex?" "I want to," she murmured. "Do...did you with Hannah?" "Yeah," he nodded. "Since I was going at it alone I thought it was best." "Do you want to now?" "I'd like to, but it's up to you." "I want to," she smiled as they pulled up to the hospital. "Than we will," he nodded. "Hope it's a boy." "It is," she squeezed his hand. "I just...I mean, we won't know for a while but...I think it is." "My mom always claims you know," he nodded. "Did Hannah's mom know?" she asked as they got out of the car. "I don't know," he sighed. "She never wanted to talk about it. She was pregnant and just didn't care." "She...she didn't care? How...I mean...I don't..." she shook her head. "I'm sorry I keep asking. I just...you've been here and...I won't ask." "Mer, you can ask," he shrugged. "You have a right to know. And...I don't know how she didn't care. I never really got it. She was...a lot nicer than my stories make her seem. I don't know why she didn't care." "So when you found out...I mean...she didn't care? She didn't care about any of it?" "She didn't," he sighed. "She was...when she told me she was pregnant...she told me she was getting an abortion in the same breath." "Oh," Meredith breathed, her hand traveling to her stomach. "I know," he nodded. "It was...bad." "Bad," she agreed and then sighed. "We have to hurry. I kind of snuck in between surgeries." "Okay, come on," he nodded. "We'll sneak in and sneak out." "Yes, before someone notices I can't wear jeans." "And then we'll get you new jeans." "Not pregnant people jeans though," she demanded as she hid behind him, walking down the hall. "Just bigger sizes." "Just bigger sizes for now," he agreed. "Though you'll need pregnant people ones eventually." "I know that, Derek," she rolled her eyes. "I'm just saying..." "Don't say." "Sorry." "Hey, Addie," Meredith sighed, coming to stand next to Addison. "Do you still have time?" "Of course I do," Addison nodded. "Good," Meredith grinned. "Just an ultrasound. Or sonogram. Or whatever." "And pictures, we need more pictures," Derek smiled. "Lots of pictures," Meredith giggled as they followed Addie into an exam room. "We can do pictures," Addison nodded. "Good," Meredith smiled as she grabbed a gown to change into. "Addie...are you okay? I mean...with...things?" "Oh," Addison sighed. "Yeah Mark said...I could be better." "If this is too awkward or whatever..." Meredith bit her lip. "No, Meredith, it's my job," Addison sighed. "And you're family, we are happy for you. I mean...you're keeping it, right?" "We're keeping him," Derek grinned, resting his hand on Meredith's stomach. "Good," Addison smiled. "It's definitely good," Meredith grinned as she climbed onto the table, Derek sitting down on a chair next to her. "But if you need to talk or...I mean, there's adoption and...I probably should stop talking. Because you and Mark...I'm going to stop talking. Now. Right now. That would definitely be good." "No, it's okay," Addison sighed. "Or it's not. I'm...we're just trying to figure this mess out and...we'll see what happens." "Okay," Meredith sighed, shooting a quick glance over to Derek. "They know we're here for them, Mer," Derek nodded. "I know," she murmured. "And this is about Blueberry," Derek smiled. "We'll make them talk soon." "Blueberry," she grinned as Addison pulled the hospital gown up. "Blueberry? Do I want to know?" Addison asked. "It's my nickname for him," Meredith explained. "Because he was so small last time. Like a blueberry." "You keep saying him," Addison smiled slightly. "I think it's a boy," Meredith blushed. "I know it's too soon to tell but...I think it is." "The mothers usually know," Addison nodded. "That's what Mom says," Derek nodded, squeezing Meredith's hand. "Have you told your mother?" Addison asked. "No," Meredith shook her head quickly. "We...I mean...things could still happen. Go wrong. And we...I mean...no." "Understandable," Addison nodded. "A lot of people wait till the end of the first trimester." "Yeah," Meredith breathed. "I...I feel like everything's good. I'm not throwing up as much anymore and...I mean, I'm exhausted. And kind of dizzy but I'm keeping more food down and...I have a bump. A really, really small bump. So that's good, right? I mean, things still look good?" "Things still look great," Addison smiled. "You are showing a bit and it's a good sign that you're keeping more food down." "Okay," Meredith sighed. "Okay." "No cramping or bleeding?" "None." "Excellent," she grinned. "Any concerns?" "Um...no," Meredith shook her head. "Derek?" "I don't think so," Derek shook his head. "I just want to see my Blueberry." "Our Blueberry," Meredith corrected him. "Our Blueberry," he nodded. "Yeah," she breathed, squeezing his hand. "Okay, Addie." "We should also be able to hear the heartbeat today," Addison smiled. "I know," Meredith nodded, watching the ultrasound machine. "There he is," Addison grinned. "He's...he's bigger," Meredith breathed, staring at the screen. "That's what happens," Derek laughed softly, staring at the screen. "I mean, he's still really, really small," Meredith sighed. "But he's bigger. Bigger than a blueberry." "But still our Blueberry," Derek breathed. "Still our Blueberry," Meredith nodded, squeezing his hand tightly. "Addie...um...he looks okay, right? Everything...he looks okay?" "He looks perfect," Addison nodded, looking carefully at the screen. "He's developing right on time." "Do you know the exact due date?" Derek asked, still staring at the small shape of his son on the screen.



oncetherewasaway	Dec 4 2007, 10:51 PM Post #10
McEditor Posts: 1,625 Group: .Grey Girls. Member #23 Joined: October 25, 2006	"December 23rd." "Two days before Christmas," Meredith groaned. "Great." "That's just an estimation, Mer," Addison laughed. "And there's always early and late arrivals." "He better not be late," Meredith said firmly. "Can we...heartbeat?" "Of course," Addison nodded. "Let me just get a few pictures and we can get right on that." "Pictures are good," Meredith breathed, turning to look at Derek, whose eyes were filled with tears. "Derek?" "Hmm?" he murmured. "You okay?" "Yeah...I'm...yeah, I'm good." "Okay," she murmured, squeezing his hand tightly. He was quiet. Which was unlike Derek. But he was definitely quiet. "Okay, pictures are done," Addison nodded. "Ready for the heartbeat?" "Definitely," Meredith nodded eagerly. "I know you've both heard them before so I don't need to do any long spiel," Addison smiled, as she flipped the switch on the machine. It took the smallest of seconds, but suddenly, the room was filled with a soft whoosing noise, a noise that was clearly a heart beating. "Oh..." Meredith gasped as tears filled her eyes. "Oh...that's...that's his heartbeat?" "That's his heartbeat," Addison nodded. "Oh...wow..." Meredith murmured. "Oh wow...that's...wow." "Wow is right," Addison sighed. "My nephew has a very strong heartbeat." "He does?" Meredith grinned, reaching up with her free hand to wipe her eyes. "I mean...it sounds strong. It is strong?" "It is," Addison nodded. "Blueberry seems perfectly healthy." "Good," Meredith murmured, turning to look at Derek. "Der?" "Hmmm..." he breathed, staring at the monitor, his eyes full of tears. "You have to...I mean, it's Blueberry and Addison says...it's strong," she whispered. "Strong," he whispered. "I...my son, he has a strong heart beat, my son has a strong heart beat. Or my daughter, maybe my daughter." "He does. Or she does," Meredith nodded. "And that's...I mean, that's good. Right, Addison? That's good. That's really good and that means...I mean, can we still...can things still go bad?" "They can always go bad," Addison sighed. "But right now everything seems fine. You're good to tell people and good to start really planning. You and Blueberry are in great shape." "We're in great shape," Meredith murmured to Derek. "Great shape," Derek nodded, letting a tear slip over his cheek. "That's good, that's rea